Law and Peace (11 page)

‘Oh, come on, BabyB. After all we've been through?'

‘That's exactly why I want such a guarantee.'

‘And what exactly did you have in mind?'

Well, although I was trying to sound all confident and cool about the whole thing, I had absolutely no idea what sort of guarantee might be appropriate.

‘One hundred thousand pounds, to be held by ClichéClanger rather than Slippery and paid to me in the event of any dirty business.'

‘BabyB, you've got to start setting your sights a little higher. That's just a few settlements' worth. Anyway, you're on. I'm back in business.'

Later on, I met up with Claire for a drink. She said she wanted to meet up to apologise for her outburst.

‘I'm so sorry, BabyB. I really do want to be there for you but sometimes . . .' She hesitated as she looked for the right words. ‘Well sometimes you do seem to become a little over-involved in your cases.'

‘I'm sorry,' I said. ‘I'll try to make more of an effort and I promise not to talk about work ever again.'

‘That's not the point, BabyB. I want to hear about your work and to help if I can. I just don't like seeing you lose yourself to it.'

Then she smiled and with the twinkle back in her eye said, ‘So come on, tell me what happened at work today.'

I told her about the return of TheBoss.

‘BabyB! Are you absolutely crazy? I don't know everything that went on last year but I know you well enough to be sure that the prospect of his being back in your life is horrific. Why?'

‘I thought it might be one way in which I could get back a little time from work,' I answered and then explained the guarantee I'd garnered.

‘BabyB, this is a man who makes SlipperySlope seem like Atticus Finch. He'll wheedle his way out of absolutely anything you put in front of him. That's the only guarantee. Well, that and it'll all end in tears.'

Then, realising that she had started lecturing again, she made another effort at lightening the mood.

‘Kind of reminds me of Jack Nicholson screaming about Johnny coming' she said.

‘Or the return of Hannibal Lecter,' I agreed.

She gave a wry smile. ‘When the Luftwaffe took off a few years ago for the first time since the war, one of the German headlines said simply, “We're back”.'

‘My favourite headline is “Fog in channel, continent stranded”,' I responded, glad to get a chance to change the subject.

‘Or the apocryphal “Titanic sinks. Glasgow man feared dead”,' said Claire, thankfully taking the conversation completely away from TheBoss and all the potential problems he posed.

But at the end of the evening the subject was clearly still weighing on her mind and perhaps trying to avoid appearing constantly disapproving of me she said, ‘I think perhaps, BabyB, we both need a little space from each other for a while. What do you think?'

The look I gave was a blank one as I struggled to take on board the suggestion. In the end I just nodded. With which we hugged and then I watched her leave the bar and hail a black cab.

 

 

Monday 7 January 2008

Year 2 (week 15): MoreFlirt

 

Got an email from TopFlirt this morning asking what I'm up to and mentioning that she's free in a couple of weekends' time. What to do? Could it still be a trap set by TopFirst? Seems a bit extreme to pimp his fiancée, even by his standards. But does it carry the risk that it could unleash untold wrath from the Weasel One? Perhaps, but I'd already decided what I would do and so I arranged to meet her a week on Saturday.

 

 

Tuesday 8 January 2008

Year 2 (week 15): Small is beautiful

 

‘You will often find that the size of the bundle of papers is actually disproportionate to the size of the case itself,' said TheCreep, as he patronised a couple of the pupils who were listening politely.

‘Shame that's not true in other areas, my love,' said TheVamp, as she passed by and tapped him on the head Benny Hill­ style just to underline his shortened stature.

‘What on earth are you talking about?' asked TheCreep in a voice that was pompous even for him.

‘Oh, MrCreepyWeepy, you're so touchy these days. Not getting enough attention in the lurve department are we?'

‘I can always count on you to lower the tone. Even when I'm teaching them a very valuable lesson.'

‘And what exactly was that lesson then, CreepsyWeepsy? That “small is beautiful”, by any chance?'

 

 

Wednesday 9 January 2008

Year 2 (week 15): Scallies chasing scallies

 

Had a meeting with Slippery, TheBoss and ScandalMonger today. I told them that of the cases I'd reviewed there were a couple that I was concerned about because they looked just a little too perfect. My fear was that they were the ringers about which ScandalMonger had warned me. I suggested that TheBoss and ScandalMonger might be better placed to investigate this further, on the basis that the best person to catch a scally is another scally, although I didn't quite put it in those terms. It'll be interesting to see what they come up with.

Just as I was leaving Slippery's office, I bumped into Smutton and I have to admit that I blushed as she greeted me.

‘Ah, BabyB. My favourite hot little barrister. I hope you got your fill of goose over the festive period.'

Then she ever so slightly adjusted her blouse as she continued with, ‘I always find it so disappointing when we're forced to put away our Christmas baubles for another year. Still, won't be long until that first harbinger of spring.'

I looked at a loss and Slippery smirked in the background.

‘Oh, come on, BabyB. Do join in. The swallow of course,' she said, rolling her tongue over the word as she said it.

I blushed again, much to her obvious delight.

 

 

Thursday 10 January 2008

Year 2 (week 15):
Paranoia

 

What do you do when you overhear something you shouldn't have heard from the other side? That's the dilemma I have today after having heard UpTights gossiping about my case over lunch in hall. To be fair, she obviously didn't realise that I was sitting on the table just behind her but despite this her voice is such that I imagine even those sitting halfway across the room would probably have picked up some bits of the conversation. All I heard was, ‘The insurer's getting a little shaky and is thinking of trying to settle early for say twenty thousand each and tying it up with a big confidentiality clause.'

Once I realised that she was talking about the Moldy cases, I actually sidled off, worried that if I heard any more it might in some way conflict me out of the litigation. But then when I got back to chambers I started thinking it over and although I'm fairly certain that this can't possibly conflict me – otherwise barristers would be able to get rid of their opponents at the door of court just by talking loudly to their clients – I'm not actually sure that this is the case, and the last thing I'd want is to get it wrong when TopFirst is on the other side. And of course, that also makes me wonder whether UpTights did in fact know I was there and that it is all a trap.

 

 

Friday 11 January 2008

Year 2 (week 15): Lost dreams

 

Having mulled over what to do with UpTights's information last night, I've decided that it's time to wheel out OldSmoothie and get him involved in the case, on the basis that he knows specifically how best to wind her up. I went over to Slippery's office to discuss it this afternoon.

‘I used to know them both years ago,' he said, referring to UpTights and OldSmoothie. ‘Rising stars of their generation. Picked out for great things. They even made rather a glamorous couple for all of about a week.'

‘Oh.'

That was news to me.

‘But now they're like a couple of old has-beens fighting over lost dreams and faded glory, BabyB. Great to watch but you know what? It's one of the few spectacles in this whole money-making world that actually makes me feel just a little bit sad.'

He paused.

‘You know what I mean, BabyB. OldSmoothie with all his “I coulda been a contender” rubbish, as old colonels blow smoke up him on his golf club committees.'

I couldn't help smiling at the accuracy of that portrayal. It seemed there might be more to Slippery than his brash front suggested.

‘Then poor UpTights. One minute she's all Gloria Swanson and “I'm still big, it's just the world around me got small”, and the next minute she's Blanche DuBois and the kindness of strangers, lost in her own little world. These days UpTights hates the whole world, especially women and most especially OldSmoothie. He just hates himself.'

Golly. There really was no answer to that. Then he brightened up and said, ‘But hey, that's why they're still in business. Complex is good in your line of work, BabyB. I mean, no case is ever black or white. Just like barristers.'

Then he paused and looked at me sympathetically and added, ‘I wouldn't be a barrister for all the money in the world.'

With which he packed me off with instructions for the pompous one.

 

 

Monday 14 January 2008

Year 2 (week 16): OldSmoothie on board

 

OldSmoothie was delighted when I told him that he was to lead in the Moldy litigation, though the prospect of more UpTights baiting seemed to give him more pleasure than the case itself. After I'd been through the basic facts and issues this morning, I then went on to ask his advice about what I'd overheard UpTights say.

‘Don't worry yourself so much, BabyB. It's her own fault for giving it away. I think the best use we can make of it at this stage is to pay our stretched friend a little visit. I suggest that we pop round to her room when she is least expecting it, say tomorrow morning.'

Meanwhile, BusyBody's back in chambers, having handed over the day care of her baby to her mother. The deal appears to be that she'll be a third six pupil until the end of March and then she will automatically be made a tenant. No further explanation has been given, which as I've already speculated suggests that a certain overweight silver fox might have had to cut a deal of some sort behind the scenes. Whatever the reasons, she certainly wasn't looking quite as energetic as she had been last month. BusyBaby, it seems, is not following orders.

‘Yes, my motivational course for babies isn't quite going as planned and she still seems to wake up crying at four in the morning, every morning.'

‘That sounds pretty normal,' said HeadClerk in a very knowing way.

‘Well, I'm determined that there must be a way to train her,' said BusyBody. ‘I've got hypnotherapy tapes playing twenty-four-seven at the moment and I'm hoping that some of it might just kick in.'

‘But surely she'll struggle to understand what they're saying on the tapes,' said TheBusker.

BusyBody suddenly looked very alarmed, her tiredness clearly showing. As if she hadn't even thought of that very obvious point. Then she said, ‘Still, that's why I thought I'd come back to work. Let's face it, if I'm going to be woken up at that unearthly hour, I may as well make use of it by doing a set of papers or two, don't you think?'

 

 

Tuesday 15 January 2008

Year 2 (week 16): Confrontation

 

‘UpTights, my darling. What a lovely pleasure.'

OldSmoothie, with me in tow, had entered UpTights's room without an invitation – the same room in which I had spent the last half of my pupillage.

‘And what unfortunate circumstances brings a snake like you into my room, OldSmoothie?'

‘Oh, my, we did get out of bed the wrong side today? Or perhaps it was another pupil's bed instead?' he answered, referring to her brief tryst with one of my fellow pupils last year.

‘Look OldSmoothie, if you have something to say, then spit it out.'

Not even OldSmoothie was going to stoop so low as to follow this up with some innuendo or other and so he said, ‘You'll never guess what? We're against each other in the Moldy litigation.'

UpTights's mouth dropped. Well it opened as far as her stretched skin after all the facelifts would allow anyway, and she glared at me.

‘You coward, BabyB. Couldn't stick up for yourself, is that it?'

We had rehearsed what I would say and I let her have it. ‘Actually, I brought him in to help me with a professional conduct point. You see, I, along with the rest of Middle Temple Hall, couldn't help overhearing you screeching that your clients wanted to settle for twenty grand a claimant. Even a loudspeaker wouldn't have reached as many people.'