Law and Peace (6 page)

It's incredibly sad that they are being affected by something and yet it was clear from the conference that their symptoms are something of a double-edged sword. As one of them said, ‘Us oldies have never spoken out before. But there are lots of us now young man and sooner or later we're going to take back the power.'

There was a kind of breathless excitement to the whole thing. It was like they were on to something really quite big and that despite the injuries of which they were complaining, they also seemed to be treating it as the start of some great adventure. Perhaps it was the sort of adventure they wished they'd embarked upon years before. It just got me thinking. Because when I look around chambers there are so many people who have had all sense of adventure sucked out of them. It's as if the law has turned their lives to black and white. Erased the poetry.

 

 

Wednesday 14 November 2007

Year 2 (week 7): Memento mori

 

I talked through my thoughts on TheMoldies with OldRuin today.

‘
Memento mori
, BabyB.'

I looked at him a little lost and his kindly smile appeared, as if he was actually pleased that my ignorance gave him the opportunity to pass something on.

‘Reminders of our own mortality. It's what we're all running from. Sometimes so fast that we forget we are even alive.'

He paused and looked pensive. ‘It's what they're doing, BabyB. Reminding us to live.'

 

 

Thursday 15 November 2007

Year 2 (week 7): A chilly 'un

 

OldSmoothie walked into chambers tea today on a post-court high with his ‘I love myself' look even more prominent than usual. In order to collect his tea he had to pass in-between UpTights and TheVamp who were deep in conversation. As he approached, UpTights said to TheVamp, ‘Do you have a Brazilian?'

To which TheVamp replied, ‘A Chilean.'

‘Well, I should think it would be a chilly 'un if you've got a Brazilian,' said OldSmoothie, looking very pleased with himself.

‘Sorry?' said UpTights. ‘What on earth are you talking about?'

Doubt suddenly flashed across OldSmoothie's face and he stumbled back with, ‘Oh, er, er, what were you talking about?'

‘Our cleaners, you stupid old fool.'

Oh.

 

 

Friday 16 November 2007

Year 2 (week 7): The joys of being self-employed

 

I haven't seen BusyBody for a few weeks but today she was spotted in chambers by TheVamp. I asked if her due date was fast approaching.

TheVamp replied with, ‘Well, let's put it like this. She's on a donkey and heading to Nazareth.' Then she added, ‘By the way, have you heard that HeadofChambers has now indicated that he expects her to be given a tenancy once her maternity leave and third six come to an end?'

‘I hadn't heard that,' I said, reflecting on my own journey to tenancy. ‘Funny how it works out.'        

Later that day, I spotted BusyBody on the other side of the room as I entered chambers tea and heard UpTights muse, ‘If we were lawyers, in most parts of the world we'd be working for some terrible firm of solicitors.'

‘Can't think of anything worse,' said OldSmoothie.

‘But you already are,' said TheBusker, breaking it to them gently.

‘Oh, hmm, well, maybe so technically,' said UpTights. ‘But we don't actually “work” work. We're self-employed and so we, er, deign to give them a little of our valuable time.'

‘In return for cash,' said TheBusker, again looking sympathetic.

‘But that's not the same as working,' said OldSmoothie. ‘You know, like being employed.'

‘You're right there,' said TheVamp. ‘I love waiting two or three years for payment. I mean who'd want a regular pay cheque when bank loans will fill the hole?'

‘And I just can't get over how good that cold, empty frightened feeling is in your stomach when your diary becomes clear, your paperwork dries up and you still have a mortgage to pay. It's the kind of thing that makes me just skip to work,' said BusyBody.

‘Then there's the sick pay, company cars and pensions that we definitely wouldn't want to receive,' said TheBusker.

‘Not to mention paternity pay,' BusyBody added, looking pointedly at OldSmoothie who is still the bookies' (i.e. the clerks') favourite to be revealed as the father of her child.

‘My old head of chambers always used to say that if we were to succeed at the Bar we should get used to waking up unemployed every morning,' said OldRuin.

The room was silent as everyone contemplated the joys of being self-employed.

 

 

Monday 19 November 2007

Year 2 (week 8): Geriatrigation

 

In the last few days I've decided that I'm going to help TheMoldies whether they have a case or not. Don't start getting any ideas that this means I'm going all soft or anything. It's just that, win or lose, the David and Goliath-type story can only bring me the sort of career-enhancing publicity that most barristers never come near even once in their careers. Particularly if I can help them run the campaign. They haven't taken the fight anywhere yet but I'm figuring that with the whiff of adventure they'll be out on the streets if necessary.

So here's to geriatric litigation. Maybe I'll call it geriatrigation. Not quite Californication, but who knows, it might even be fun.

 

 

Tuesday 20 November 2007

Year 2 (week 8): Terms of enragement

 

One of my favourite instructing solicitors is ClichéClanger, a northerner whose no-nonsense approach belies a very wry sense of humour and a subtle twinkle in the eye. He also does wonders with the English language. Today I received a good example where I am still left not knowing whether he'd made a slip or a joke. They were instructions for a case involving a client who has been causing him no end of grief. They began, ‘Your instructing Solicitor is enraged to represent the claimant in this matter . . .' They continued with, ‘The claimant has been lying in London for the last ten years.'

When I mentioned it to Claire over a rushed lunch she chuckled and asked, ‘Is that what they call a malapropism?'

Then before I could own up to ignorance on that subject she continued, ‘Don't you just love the sound of that word? Just like mellifluous, flibbertigibbet, slubberdegullion . . .'

I certainly did when they came out of Claire's mouth, and once again I was struck by a pang of regret at not having taken the risk last month.

Then Claire added, ‘BabyB, I think you've just inspired my next set of submissions in court.'

 

 

Wednesday 21 November 2007

Year 2 (week 8): Credit crunch

 

Still no progress on my mother's debts. So far I've been to seventeen financial advisers with a glowing letter from HeadClerk setting out the millions I can expect to earn in the future. Yet each of them has eventually had to turn me away, claiming that the credit crunch makes things just too risky. With the threat of repossession hanging over my mother's head and no contingency plans yet in place, things are all starting to feel somewhat precarious.

But in the meantime, a worldwide recession hasn't stopped the banter at chambers tea, which inappropriately enough today seemed to focus on exactly that.

‘You know UpTights,' said OldSmoothie, ‘every time I hear mention of toxic debts, depression and sub-prime, for some bizarre reason it makes me think of you.'

But ever since BusyBody stepped up to the mark on her behalf, UpTights has occasionally been doing the same and today she replied with, ‘Well, from what I hear on the grapevine it's not just the economy that's suffering deflationary pressures, OldSmoothie.'

Then TheVamp joined in the fun. ‘Yes, what with that and a shrinking endowment, you're hardly best placed to be keeping anyone's interest rates particularly high, wouldn't you say? No more FTSE or asset stripping for you. More like dead cat bounce.'

Then UpTights came in for the killer blow, ‘Maybe an expansionary stimulus package might be of assistance.'

 

 

Thursday 22 November 2007

Year 2 (week 8): RoundTheBlock

 

I was working late once again last night when I got a call from my mother.

‘I was just wondering where you were. I've cooked a shepherd's pie and wondered if you wanted it keeping warm in the oven.'

I explained to her that I was as busy as I'd ever been and that I'd probably just end up eating a takeaway in chambers.

‘Well do you have time for a little chat?' she asked.

Again I answered that I was only just keeping my head above water but I assured her that I was hoping to work something out with the finances. Unfortunately this seemed to upset her and she said, ‘It's not about finances, BabyB. It's you, my son, I want to talk to. I'm just worried for you with all these long hours you've been putting in.'

I assured her that it was just something that came with the territory of being a junior tenant unfortunately and that I was sure it would calm down sometime soon. I'm not sure she was terribly reassured by this but she seemed to cheer up a little at least and ended with, ‘Well please don't forget your health, BabyB. It's the most important thing you have.'

Anyway, today we received the first tranche of evidence from RedTop's lawyers which, they claim, proves that BigMouth hired a certain lady of the night, who I shall call RoundTheBlock. There were also a couple of witness statements along with mention of a birthmark in a place where the sun most certainly does not shine. The only photo they have is a grainy CCTV image of a man in a suit standing next to RoundTheBlock and leaning forward slightly, as if he is offering something in his outstretched hand – possibly cash. To be fair, it could easily be a picture of any number of backbench Tory MPs though it does at least bear a passing resemblance to BigMouth, albeit from a distance.

OldSmoothie remains in denial and refuses to grill his friend about it. I've therefore figured that the only way forward is to look at discrediting RoundTheBlock. This will necessitate a disguise and then a chat. My plan is to pass myself off as a representative of RedTop itself. So today I acquired a couple of ID cards online. One visit to the printers later and I was the proud possessor of one National Union of Journalists identity card and a few copies of a personalised RedTop business card.

 

 

Friday 23 November 2007

Year 2 (week 8): Chinese walls and palm tree justice

 

UpTights was talking about her case at chambers tea today which involved a student appealing a decision by his college to expel him. ‘It was a complete kangaroo court,' she said.

‘I've always loved the image that conjures up,' said TheVamp. ‘You know, a huge kangaroo of a judge and all the little joeys coming up before him and with none of them able to sit still for a second. All bouncing up and down on the spot trying to make their submissions.'

‘It'd make it quite hard to keep their wigs on,' said TheBusker.

‘It's Chinese walls which make me chuckle,' said UpTights. ‘I just  imagine a huge wall of takeaway boxes separating two halves of an office.'

‘Palm tree justice has always done it for me,' said TheBusker. ‘Makes my mind wander to hotter climes than this.'

‘I always liked the idea of lawyers going on fishing expeditions,' said OldRuin. ‘Always brightened up even the most dreary day in court.'

‘As for skeleton arguments,' said OldSmoothie. ‘They make me think of two skeletons stepping out of a closet, squaring up to each other and then one of them saying “I've got a bone to pick with you”.'

 

 

Monday 26 November 2007

Year 2 (week 9): The sting

 

Went in search of RoundTheBlock on Saturday evening and I was delighted to find that RedTop's description of her working area was accurate. Right down to the exact street corner in fact. I found her in precisely the same place they'd described BigMouth picking her up. It seems her celebrity status hasn't gone to her head at least. Though I imagine bagging a backbench Tory MP is hardly in the same league as bringing home a story about a footballer or rock star.

She was very suspicious when I approached her and introduced myself as a representative of RedTop, all in my newly honed Scottish drawl. But then I whipped out my, er, ID and she was all ears. It's ridiculous really, given how easy it had been to fake. After that she visibly relaxed and agreed to go for a coffee in a kebab shop round the corner. Now, I admit this was a pretty big risk as all she needed to do was to call whoever she had previously dealt with and I would have been a goner. However, although she might be wise to the ways of the street, newspapers are a whole new game for her and in that I had the upper hand. The other thing I had going for me was that for RedTop this case was small beer compared to most of their stories and so I'd figured that they wouldn't have invested a great deal of time or effort protecting her from this type of situation.