Law and Peace (2 page)

But I can hardly tell them the truth. Imagine it: ‘Yes, thank you very much. I agree that as the most devious, sly and downright sneaky of all the pupils I thoroughly deserved to be awarded tenancy. These qualities, I'm sure you will agree, will serve me well in our esteemed profession. Yes, my fellow tenants, whether you like to admit it or not, these are qualities you have not only encouraged with this ridiculous pupillage system but you have now also generously rewarded.'

No, if I'm going to get anywhere in this job, I will endeavour to do what the English excel at, and what I say will rarely be what I mean.

 

 

Tuesday 2 October 2007

Year 2 (week 1): JackCard

 

Met the four new pupils at chambers tea this afternoon. And if yesterday I was playing the hypocrite card, today I was playing a gold-embossed Jack. I'm alright and for the next twelve months they're not. One of them asked my advice on how to survive pupillage.

‘Oh, it's easy. Really. Just keep your head down, don't cause any trouble and be nice to your fellow pupils.'

If he believes that then he doesn't deserve to be taken on in the first place. Then another one asked if I could offer any tips for working with his new pupilmistress, UpTights. I was starting to enjoy my new-found power.

‘Give her extra-strong coffee in the morning. Make sure it's caffeinated whether she says so or not. She always responds to a good dose of caffeine.'

She most certainly does. Watching her usual manic state go into hyperdrive should certainly provide some sport. On a roll, I then introduced another pupil to OldSmoothie, the man who last year had made sure that everyone with the name Wayne or Shane was rejected on the basis that ‘it wouldn't look good on the board'.

‘OldSmoothie,' I said. ‘May I introduce you to our new pupil Sharon?'

OldSmoothie's jaw visibly dropped but he just managed to keep it together enough to say, ‘How d'you do?'

‘Very well, thank you,' replied Sharon earnestly.

‘O tempora, o mores,'
whispered HeadofChambers, shaking his head. ‘Oh what times. Oh what manners.'

A silence descended upon the room and knowing looks were exchanged. We all knew what was coming next and the wind (some might say hot air) was back in OldSmoothie's sails.

‘Young lady,' he started, ‘just because your name is Sharon and you are quite clearly from Birmingham does not mean that you may answer, “How do you do?” with the words “Very well, thank you”. Do they teach you nothing at Bar School these days? Never again, understand? It's terribly non-U and barristers don't do non-U. Solicitors, now that's a different story. They can visit the toilet and have settees in their lounges as much as they like. But not barristers.' He paused. ‘Do you understand?'

He may as well have been speaking double Dutch as far as poor Sharon was concerned. She stood there mute, presumably fearful that opening her mouth to say anything would harm her more than the rabbit-in-the-headlights look she was currently demonstrating so well.

‘Do you understand?' repeated OldSmoothie slowly.

The pupil raised her eyebrows and nodded tentatively.

‘So what do you answer?' boomed OldSmoothie, now aware that he had an audience.

Sharon's brow furrowed and for a moment I thought she might try to make a run for it – and on only her second day in chambers.

‘Speak up,' said OldSmoothie. ‘I can't hear you.'

The silence again fell, this time so heavily that it seemed to be almost crushing poor Sharon into the floor. Then OldSmoothie eased up and said somewhat theatrically, ‘Well, let's give it a try. You give the greeting to me.'

This she could do and she put out her hand, saying, ‘How d'you do?'

To which OldSmoothie replied, ‘How d'you do?' and turned on his heels leaving the poor pupil utterly bewildered.

TheVamp and TheBusker moved over to offer words of consolation. TheVamp patted Sharon on her arm and said, ‘I wouldn't worry. He's a fat old git with a chip on his shoulder, not just about women and class but about life in general. He's certainly not representative of chambers as a whole.'

‘I really wouldn't worry at all,' said TheBusker kindly. ‘Terrible time, pupillage. We all understand that, believe it or not.'

Sharon visibly relaxed and answered, ‘To be honest I really didn't—'

She was interrupted by what can only be described as a ‘harrumph' from the far side of the room. It was HeadofChambers.

‘My dear,' he started. ‘It's all very well being the subject of OldSmoothie's little games but really, some things are truly beyond the pale.'

Once more, Sharon's face returned to what seemed to be her default setting of bewilderment.

HeadofChambers didn't keep her waiting.

‘“To be honest” is what a criminal says in the witness box. What a barrister should say is “to be frank”.'

Welcome, for another crop of pupils, to the all-inclusive modern Bar.

 

 

Wednesday 3 October 2007

Year 2 (week 1): BigMouth

 

OldSmoothie was once again holding court this morning, this time in the clerks' room just as everyone was arriving. I'd heard him sounding off before about how he was best friends with a Tory MP from the shires who, it seems, is stuck to the backbenches like a piece of old chewing gum. I'll call him BigMouth. Apparently, said MP created big headlines in one of last Sunday's tabloids because he had paid for the services of a prostitute. Or, I should say, he had allegedly paid for her services. For this was the point of OldSmoothie's story.

‘You see, he is very hard up for money and he wants to sue them. Naturally, I'll take it on a no win, no fee but I'm looking for a junior to do the leg work.'

Despite appearances, OldSmoothie is not stupid and this whole little performance was staged to whet the appetite of the junior members of chambers. Perhaps even to tender it out in a rather gentlemanly sort of way. Needless to say, first up to the crease was TheCreep, a jumped up little twerp who sucks up to the big beasts in chambers and struts around with erroneous self-importance. True to style he began to ooze: ‘Ooh OldSmoothie, I think you're great and I'm so very clever,' etc., etc. But he was batted away to the boundary without much more than a flick of the wrist from OldSmoothie. TheCreep is definitely not his style. Next up was TheVamp who was a far more serious proposition for the old lech.

‘You know,' I heard her whisper, throatily. ‘Libel cases are by jury. You're going to need a team who appeal
directly
to the jury.'

She gave OldSmoothie a knowing look and didn't need to elaborate further. I realised that there was no way I was going to be able to compete against her today, but with an opportunity like this coming up in chambers, I've got to try and think of a way to get myself on the case.

By hook or by crook.

 

 

Thursday 4 October 2007

Year 2 (week 1): CopyCat

 

Before I could even say ‘plot', never mind try to implement one, OldSmoothie announced today that TheVamp would be acting as his junior in the BigMouth libel case. The most high-profile case to come through the doors of chambers in years has been snatched from under my greedy little nose. However, they do have a problem. Neither OldSmoothie nor TheVamp have ever done any libel law in their lives. My problem is that neither have I. The difference is that they don't know this.

With that in mind, I popped over to the library and fished out a couple of random articles on libel law from the computer. I made sure they were unrelated to the issues in this actual case so that no one is likely to refer to them any time soon. I then copied and pasted them, substituting my own name for the author's. It's dastardly, I know, but hardly the wickedest thing in the world and, of course, it will only work thanks to the pompous fat one's own ignorance and laziness. So, off the articles went in an email to him suggesting he might find them useful.

I wait to see if he bites.

 

 

Friday 5 October 2007

Year 2 (week 1): Threats

 

An email came today:

 

Just to tell you that I now have a tenancy in the chambers my father went to after he'd finished with yours. Don't know why I even bothered wasting my time with you bunch of losers. And for the avoidance of doubt BabyB, I meant exactly what I said last week. You will regret having crossed me. What's more, if I ever hear mention of the Ginny Tapes [the secret recording I made of him trying it on with a girl I'd hired, despite being engaged], the consequences will be even worse. I do not use these words lightly.

 

TopFirst

 

He reminded me a little of a pantomime villain, shaking his fist and screaming petulantly, ‘I'll get you BabyB, if it's the last thing I do!' Well, talk to the gown 'cos the wig's not listening. Plus, I happen to know that the chambers he's been forced to join is renowned for taking on people who have been rejected elsewhere. It is what OldSmoothie would describe as ‘hardly top drawer'. However, I have already learnt that I underestimate TopFirst at my peril. So I decided to answer him in robust fashion:

 

I don't know what on earth you are talking about but I do not appreciate being threatened. Should I hear anything like this again I shall consider passing it straight on not only to the Bar Standards Board but also to the police. In the meantime, despite your unsavoury remarks, please give my regards to your lovely fiancée and I send you my warmest congratulations on joining such a well-known chambers.

 

With everything that has been going on in chambers I still haven't been in touch with Claire since the night last week when we both found out that we had been given tenancy. To be honest, or rather ‘to be frank', I think this is probably owing to the fact that that was also the night when we sealed our long-term friendship with a tentative first kiss. I still don't know whether it was just a drunken celebratory thing as far as Claire is concerned and I'd never really considered that she might like me in that way. For that matter I'm not exactly sure in what way I might like her. She's my best friend, and if we get this wrong our whole friendship might be ruined. So, to my shame, I've been too nervous to contact her since that evening and today I received a text message saying:

 

Hey, BabyB. Hope you've had a good week. I've just been added to a big case in Leeds for the next two weeks so I'm off up there this evening. Would be lovely to catch up when I'm back.

 

This of course makes the whole situation about as clear as mud but at least it has the advantage of delaying the need to make any decisions.

 

 

Monday 8 October 2007

Year 2 (week 2): Blind leading the blind

 

Had a visit from OldSmoothie this morning.

‘The problem, BabyB,' he explained, with his charmometer switched to full, ‘is that BigMouth has asked me to present the case, and TheVamp will no doubt prove a hit with both judge and jury, but neither of us know anything about running a libel action.'

Which makes three of us, I thought to myself.

‘In fact,' he went on, ‘the only thing I can remember about the subject is the well-worn advice to authors wanting to reduce their risk of being sued when they base a character on someone they don't like.'

‘Oh, what's that?' I asked innocently.

‘Think about it. If there's going to be a case then the description in the book has to be such that it leads the reader to think it's that man in real life. With me so far?'

‘Er, yes . . .'

‘So, to avoid that, you just tell the author in question to describe the size of the character's manhood.'

‘Oh.'

‘I mean, who's going to sue claiming that the man with the small one is in fact them?'

Then he returned to BigMouth. ‘And of course,' he continued, ‘he'll struggle to get some real libel barristers on a no win, no fee as these cases are seen as just too risky.'

‘But aren't there professional difficulties associated with doing something outside your area of expertise?' I enquired, reinforcing my own newly established position as a great authority on the intricacies of libel law.

‘Oh, it's never stopped me, BabyB. One of the joys of the Bar is that you can wake up one morning knowing nothing about a subject and then by the next day be putting yourself out as an expert in it. However, it's always useful to have a junior who can provide a little guidance from time to time.'

So, the good news is that I'm on the case. The bad news is that I will probably be up all night drafting a note on some of the legal issues that may arise – particularly given the fact that I'm starting from scratch.