Lead (36 page)

“I did some thinking after you left,” he said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “About stuff.”

The bullshit detector blared out loud and proud inside my head. “No you didn’t. You went to some party with Liv Anders, don’t lie to me.”

“But—”

“No.”

“Nothing happened, Lena. I swear. Please, let me explain.” He rubbed at his much-aggrieved face with a hand. “I didn’t know how to handle what you said. I just … if you felt that way about me, then the chances that I’d fuck up and you’d leave for good were too high.”

“You did fuck up and I did leave.”

“Yeah, you did.”

I opened my eyes painfully wide. “So, what?”

“So, I need you to come back. I reacted wrong. Come back and we’ll work something out.”

“What exactly is it that you think we’re going to work out, Jimmy?”

His forehead bunched up. The expression on his perfect face was so sincere, and yet so completely gut-wrenchingly clueless. “Well, I don’t mind that you feel that way. It’s all right. You come back with me and work for me again, and we can keep fucking. It can even be exclusive if that’s what you want, okay?”

“No, it’s not okay.” I tried to smile, as if there was any way to soften the blow for either of us. My hands twisted and turned, lying in my lap. “You need to leave, Jimmy.”

“What?”

It hurt to look at him. It hurt to love him even more. “You need to leave. I’m not coming back. That’s not going to happen.”

“Lena.” He grabbed my wrist, holding on tight. “You don’t mean that, you love me.”

“Yeah, I really do you know.” My throat hurt and my eyes itched.

“Then why won’t you come back?” he demanded, keeping up his grip on me.

“Self-respect, self-preservation, both of these things. And because you being willing to put up with my love is not good enough. Not even remotely. I’m not going to be your regular live-in fuck buddy, Jimmy, exclusive or not. Your whole offer is soul destroying.”

His eyes darkened. “I thought it would make you happy.”

“Well, it doesn’t.”

“I’m trying to give you what you want here, Lena.”

“No, you’re trying to give me what
you
want. That’s not how relationships work. You haven’t learned anything,” I said, my chin getting tight and quivery with emotion. Damn annoying. “Wondering what I might want has yet to even cross your mind.”

“Fuck’s sake, what do you want then, huh?” he bit out.

“I want you to love me.” I pushed off his fingers. This time, he let me go.

Frustration filled his face. “Ask for something else … anything.”

We were done. Slowly, I rose, standing tall.

Jimmy looked up at me, his jaw unyielding. “I can’t.”

“Then you shouldn’t have come here. You should have let me go.”

He flew to his feet, violently shoving back his chair. “Wait.”

“What?”

“She said no one would ever love me.”

She
being his bitch mother of course. I shook my head sadly. “She was wrong.”

The room swam in my tear filled eyes. Fuck love. God, I was so over this shit. I don’t know how many times a girl could have her heart broken by the one guy, but seriously, talk about being done. I needed to see if mom had a Kleenex.

Also, why was the band still playing that stupid song? As of now, I officially hated it. I determinedly walked on toward my designation, never say die and all that. Dad would drop me home. Only man a girl could depend upon was her father.

“Lena.”

I stopped. Faces were staring, but none of them mattered.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice close behind me.

“Jimmy—”

“Just listen. Please. Just let me get this out.”

My chin jerked.

“I need you to come back with me, please.” His breath warmed my ear. The heat of his body beckoned against my back. “I can’t stand not having you there, not knowing what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, not being able to tell you things and share them with you. It’s just … nothing’s the same. I hate waking up without you and I worry constantly that you’re okay, that you’ve got everything you need. Look, the truth is, I’m all about you, Lena. You’re my best friend. You’re my girl.”

I closed my eyes, just listening to his words.

“No one else has ever meant what you do to me. Please, just … just, come back with me and stay. For good.”

My shoulders started trembling this time, my knees apparently being worn out. Motherfucking rock stars. Seriously. Strong hands slid over my shoulders, turning me around.

“I’m sorry I fucked things up. I thought if we could just stay the same, then everything would be all right and you’d never want to leave. But I didn’t give you what you needed and it all went to shit.” His beautiful blue eyes shone suspiciously bright. “I’m sorry. I don’t want anybody else. You’re everything to me, Lena. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I need you to know that. You gotta understand that, okay?”

I just stared at him, transfixed.

“Say something,” he urged.

“Jimmy, that’s love.”

His mouth opened, shut again. The look of surprise would have been hilarious if my heart, soul, and future happiness weren’t at stake. I wasn’t projecting, he really had said all of those things. There was a chance at a happy ending, there had to be. Because you didn’t feel so damn much for someone and then just walk away again. Not like this.

“Love,” he said, like he was testing the words, trying them on for size. Hands sat either side of my neck, his thumbs stroking my jaw. “Shit. Okay. All right.”

I waited.

His eyes seemed impossibly wide. “Yeah, you’re right. I love you.”

“Are you sure?” I had to ask.

Slowly, he nodded. “Yeah. I am. I didn’t think I could do that, but…”

I grabbed two fistfuls of the bound-to-be-insanely priced white shirt and buried my face against his chest. It was all too much. His arms wrapped around me, holding on tight. Honestly, I was half-tempted to kick him in the shin for putting me through this.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his face buried in my hair. “I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I love you, Lena. So damn much.”

“I love you too,” I sniffed, any chance at decorum long gone.

He shook and I shook, and I’m not even certain how we stayed upright and intact. We clung together, swaying on the dance floor while the band belted out a classic love song by none other than guess what band?

“Christ,” he muttered. “We need to get out of here. That guy can’t do me for shit.”

At which point I lost it, laughing my ass off.

Life. What could you do?

Jimmy fit his mouth to mine and all humor fled, replaced by raw hunger. God, I’d missed him. It might have been only a couple of days but it felt like forever. The taste and feel of him, the scent of his skin. Each and every thing about him, both the good and the bad. His tongue slipped into my mouth and my eyes basically rolled back in my head. Heaven. We made out like we were alone and not being perved on by a hundred or so guests at a wedding. I kissed him good and hard until my lips lost all feeling and my brain turned dizzy oxygen starved circles inside my head.

“You really love me?” I asked again, as he rested his forehead against mine.

He grunted.

“Say it.”

A rare smile. “I love you, Lena.”

“About fucking time, Jimmy.” I grinned.

He laughed, then kissed me some more.

And that’s the story of how my sister married my idiot ex-boyfriend while I went home with the most beautiful man on the planet, Jimmy Ferris, the lead singer from Stage Dive.

What was meant to be an engagement party for Mal and Anne had degenerated into some sort of bizarre hedonistic musical bacchanalia. Instruments, gifts, vegetable pizzas, and drinks were strewn here there and everywhere. The happy couple had disappeared into one of David and Ev’s spare bedroom a while back. Killer the puppy was chasing Ben the bass player through the condo while Lizzy lay on the couch laughing.

It was pretty funny given the size differences.

Jimmy and David were playing guitar while Jimmy sang “Ain’t No Sunshine,” the sad old Bill Withers song. I sat on the floor opposite, snapping off pictures of him on the Nikon. My boyfriend, the most fascinating of subjects. And god save my panties when he went into crooning mode, because they never stood a chance.

He’d finally dared confide in his brother about learning to play guitar. David had been nothing but supportive, helping him practice songs. They’d been talking about the chances of Jimmy playing some rhythm guitar, back up his brother during the upcoming tour. He seemed more confident in his role, happier with having more to offer the band.

“All good?” asked Ev, hanging out on the floor beside me.

“Very good. And you?”

She smiled. “Just swell, thank you for asking.”

Over by the balcony doors, Nate and Lauren were slow dancing, lost in each other. Ah, love. So lovely and shit. The world was a glorious place.

“We going to be planning your and Jimmy’s wedding next?” Ev sucked down some of her beer.

“Nah, I don’t think so. We’re good as is.”

“We’re what?” asked Jimmy, the song having finished. He held out a hand to me and I waddled over on my knees. All the grace.

“Ev asked if we were getting married next.” I carefully placed my camera on the coffee table before climbing onto his lap. That he wanted me there, all over him, was both a duty and a privilege. Well, mostly a privilege.

“You wanna?” he asked, cocking his head.

“Someday.”

“Sounds good.”

“Jimmy.” I leaned in close to whisper in his ear. “I think I just came.”

One hand slid into my hair while the other grabbed hold of my hip. “Did you?”

“I mention a one day major commitment and you’re cool with it. I feel like I can have whatever I want with you these days. It’s starting to make me a little overexcited.”

He turned his head, kissing me gently on the lips. “I like you over excited. Keeps things interesting.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.”

He nipped at my bottom lip.

I grinned, ducking back to evade his teasing teeth.

“Animal.” I laughed.

“Yeah. I am. That a problem?”

My fingers slipped into his hair. “Nope. I like you as is.”

“Love you, Lena,” he said. He said it all the time to me these days. I never needed to doubt. My things had been moved directly into his bedroom upon our return and Jimmy had set about letting it be known far and wide that we were together. I didn’t eavesdrop in on his conversation with Liv Anders when he broke the news to her. I trusted him. After the way he’d taken off from LA to get to my sister’s wedding in time, she apparently hadn’t been surprised.

She had my sympathy. I knew what it was like to love him and lose him.

But I wouldn’t be giving him back.

Amidst much laughter and puppy barking, Mal and Anne finally emerged from the bedroom. Anne’s face was flushed and Mal was still putting his rhinestone-covered, white satin, Elvis-style jacket back on. My mind was still coming to grips with exactly why he’d felt the need to wear it. Obviously the whole wedding in Vegas idea had been embraced wholeheartedly and then some.

“The king lives!” He cried, hands high above his head. “So, Benny boy.”

The bass player collapsed on a chair in the corner, Killer still yapping at his heels. “Yo.”

“Now that fair Lena has tamed the mighty Jim, you’re the last of us swinging single.”

Ben laughed. “And you can bet on me staying that way.”

“Oh, come on.” Ev climbed up onto the couch beside David, throwing an arm around him. “Look at all the deliriously happy couples in this room. You’re not even tempted to settle down?”

“No,” the man answered simply.

“No one special you want to tell us about, Benny?” enquired Mal, giving him curious looks.

“No.” Ben crossed his arms over his barrel like chest. “I’m happy doing my thing, having fun. Why limit yourself?”

The women booed him. All except Lizzy who suddenly popped up from her place on the couch.

“I have to get going. I had a big day.” The girl threw an arm around Anne, giving her a squeeze. “Congratulations, again.”

“Thank you. Again,” laughed Anne. “I’ll see you for breakfast tomorrow?”

“Sure thing.” She gave the room a wave. “Night everyone!”

“Hang on, we’ll catch a cab back with you,” said Lauren, disentangling herself from an obviously amorous Nate. They’d both had a few drinks, neither were fit for driving. When Anne and Mal moved into the condo her sister had taken over her old apartment. Given Mal had paid the rent up for the next year, it would have been a shame to waste it. Lizzy had been only too happy to give up her small dorm room in favor of a rent–free, slightly larger apartment.

“’Night,” I said, waving to the party of three departing out the door.

Ben watched the group leave with a frown on his face. Curious.

But I was quickly distracted by Jimmy bussing his nose against my cheek. “You didn’t tell me you love me, Lena.”

“I love you, Jimmy.” I smiled and kissed him on the lips.

Since discovering love, he’d set out to become somewhat of a connoisseur of the emotion. I have to admit, I was definitely reaping the benefits, sexually and emotionally. The damage his mother had done was slowly being healed. His relationship with his brother was better than ever. He’d let me find him a new therapist and he was learning to trust and be open in all sorts of ways. Actually, I think we both were and it was a good thing. It wasn’t always easy, but we both persevered because it was worth it to us. Our dedication to sticking together now was absolute.

“Take me home?” I asked.

Jimmy smiled, both dimples on show. It always made my stomach tumble and my sex melt. What happened to my heart couldn’t be described.

“Whatever you want, Lena.”

Kylie is a long-time fan of erotic love stories and B-grade horror films. She demands a happy ending and if blood and carnage occur along the way then all the better. Based in Queensland, Australia, with her two children and one wonderful husband, she reads, writes, and never dithers around on the internet.