Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (12 page)

Jared

I
was at Rachel’s door within minutes of
receiving her last text. What the hell did she think I’d been up to? I thought
we were good… more than good. I fucking love her!

I
began with a light knock like I always would… well like I used to before Emily
gave me her key. But knowing she was mad with me, it didn’t seem appropriate to
let myself in… yet. When I got no response I knocked harder. Thirty seconds
later I was banging utter shit out of it.

“Fuck
this,” I muttered under my breath before pulling my key out and stabbing it in
the lock.

Fuck.
The chain was on.

“Rachel?”
I called through the small gap in the door. “Come on, Rach, at least tell me
what I’ve done!”

Silence.

“I
know you’re in there. Talk to me.
Please.
”

More
silence.

“Rachel
I swear to fucking God I will break this damn door down if you don’t open it
right now!”

Silence…
followed by the jangle of the chain.

“Who
in fuck’s name is the ‘whore’ I’m supposed to have seen last night?” I
practically growled the second my eyes met hers. “I’m confused,” I added in a
softer tone, reaching out to touch her and then backing off when she yanked her
neck back.

“Holly
saw you last night with your hands all over some slut. Don’t bother lying to me
either. It was definitely you. You were right outside your apartment with her.”

Thank.
Fuck.

“Are
you laughing?” she barked. “Jesus, you’re
actually
fucking laughing at me! Get the hell out of my house NOW!” she yelled… even
though I wasn’t technically
in
her
house… I was still standing on the opposite side of the doorway.

“I’m
laughing because that ‘slut’ I was seen with last night, was my little sister.”
I couldn’t seem to prevent the smug tone of my voice, even though I knew it
would piss her off even more.

“But
you had your hands all over her,” Rachel accused, eyeing me up warily. “Holly
saw
you, remember?”

“I
hugged her. I think I might have cupped her face at one point too. Hardly all
over her.”

“Well
why the fuck would you
cup
your
sister’s face? That’s just… weird.”

“Because
she was upset. Because she’s in a bad place right now and needed her big
brother to comfort her. Do you need another reason? Or how about you just let
me in so we can talk about this without me freezing my balls off?”

Rachel
moved aside and I stepped cautiously passed her, tucking my hands into my
pockets to stop my fingers - that were itching to touch her - reaching out and
grabbing her. I settled myself on the sofa and waited for her to close the
door. It felt like an eternity as I watched her wheel backwards from the door
and spin around to face me, then my heart sank into my bollocks when she
applied her brakes at the farthest end of the room.

“You’re
still angry?”

“Yes.
No. I… I don’t know.”

“Come
sit with me,” I said encouragingly, patting the cushion beside me.

“I
don’t want to,” she spat petulantly.

“Is
there more to this than Jess coming round? Have I done something else? Because
honestly, Rach, I thought we were solid.”

I love you.

Christ
knows why I wasn’t brave enough to say that out loud in that moment.

“So
did I,” she murmured faintly with a look of pure unadulterated sadness oozing
from her deep-brown eyes. “But now…”

“Now
what
?” I all but demanded. “You know
I haven’t done anything wrong, so what’s changed?”

“I
have. Or rather… I
haven’t
. I don’t
do
relationships, Jared. They’ve always
been a nice idea in my head… but when it comes to it, I’m…”

“You’re
what?”

“Insecure
I guess.” She looked embarrassed as she shrugged her small shoulders and swept
the carpet with her eyes. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms,
take her to the bedroom and just…
hold
her. But I figured right now that would probably earn me a punch in the balls
so I stayed where I was with my arse fixed firmly to the sofa.

“Look
how quick I was to judge you?” she continued. “I wasn’t even prepared to give
you the benefit of the doubt. I just
believed
in here,” she laid a flattened palm across her heart, “that you would hurt
me. That’s no kind of relationship for either of us.”

Screw
it. I needed to touch her and I needed to touch her
fast.
Almost leaping from the couch, I went over and dropped to my
knees in front of her before resting my hands on her knees.

“If
you don’t trust me, Rachel… I can deal with that. I’ll prove myself to you. I
will
make
you trust me. Just don’t do
this to us. I’ve never felt so close to someone before. I… I… Oh for fuck’s
sake Rachel, I
love
you!”

“You…
love
me?”

“I’m
afraid so, saffy. I am one hundred and fifty percent, wholeheartedly, can’t
think straight when you’re not around, can’t imagine your face without getting
a raging hard-on, in
love
with
you.
”

“I
don’t know, Jared. Being in a relationship has never really interested me
before. Therefore I never knew I was so insecure until we started going out… or
jealous, possessive. I’m one of those girlfriends I have spent my life thinking
were dumbarse fucking imbeciles and now, it turns out I’m one of them.”

“But
I want you to be
my
dumbarse fucking
imbecile.” Ah, there we go… a smile! I was getting somewhere and the feeling
was like crack in my veins… addictive. I will spend my life proving to her how
much I want, no
need
her if I have
to.

“I’m
worried I’ll end up pushing you away. Honestly, I’ve been so bleeding miserable
all morning. All I’ve done is whine to myself – feel
sorry
for myself. I don’t like being that person, Jared and if
that’s what being in a relationship does to me, then we’re both better off
steering clear.”

“Right,
so if I hereby promise to accept you and all your whiney, possessive and
jealous flaws… can things go back to normal? ‘Cause I’m kinda hungry.”

“Pot
Noodle?” she asked with a slightly embarrassed smile.

“Well
we’ve missed McDonald’s breakfast thanks to this whiney bitch I know,” I
teased, winking at her. I stood up and planted a lingering kiss on top of her
head, inhaling the scent of her hair as if I wouldn’t be able to breathe
without it. Then, smiling widely, I started making my way to the kitchen.

“Jared?”
she called after me.

“Uh
huh?”

“I’m
sorry,” she said faintly.

“I’m
not sure I believe you,” I replied with my best poker face. “I’m going to need
you to prove it in
there
after
breakfast,” I said, pointing towards her bedroom as a suggestive smirk crawled
across her face.

Fuck
me.
That
was one hell of a morning…
but not nearly as strenuous as the hours that followed.

**********

Heaven.
That’s where I was. Lying on my back with the naked body of the most beautiful
girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on nestled into my chest after what can only be
described as a sex marathon. I traced the lines of her tattoos with my fingers,
noticing the firmness of her arms compared to the flimsy softness of her legs.
Her arms are so strong - she could
easily take me out with one punch.

“Does
this have a meaning?” I asked, running my finger over the koi fish’s fin on her
upper arm.

“Well,
koi fish are supposed to stand for luck and good fortune.
There was an old fable that stated a koi fish would try to climb
up
the falls
at a specific point on the
Yellow River
to become a dragon.
It’s supposed to represent the strength and perseverance a person experiences
through the trials and tribulation of life.”

“Wow.”

“But really, I just got it ‘cause I thought it looked pretty.”

Laughing softly, I brought her hand up to my mouth and kissed
her knuckles. Then I pulled her closer and wound my fingers in her hair.

“Would you ever get one? A tattoo or a piercing?”

“Not a chance. I’m way to much of a pussy when it comes to
needles and shit.”

“Wimp.”

“And proud, baby.
So anyway, Sunday should be a
barrel of laughs,” I continued. While twirling strands of her fading red-hair
around my finger, I’d been telling Rachel earlier all about my sister and the
fact we were planning to drop the ‘you’re gonna be grandparents’ bombshell on
my mum and dad this weekend. “What’s so funny?” I asked when Rachel started
giggling against my bare chest.

“Your
accent,” she said. “You’re so posh sometimes. Like the way you just said
‘barrel of lorfs’.”

“I
do
not
talk like that!” I protested.
“So are you saying you would prefer me if I was a common northerner like you?”
I teased, earning me a swat on the arm. “If I said ‘laff’ instead? Or maybe, ay
up, chuck?”

“I’m
a Mancunian, not a fucking farmer.”

Rachel
and I both laughed a little and then I scooted down the bed so her head was on
my shoulder and I buried my face in her hair.

“Do
you trust me, Rach?” I asked quietly. The question created a brief pang of
panic in my heart while I awaited her response.

“Why
are you asking me that?” she replied nervously, turning her head to look me in
the eye.

“Before
this morning, I thought we were
good
you know. Tight. I thought you had no doubts about how much I care about you.”

“I’m
sorry,” she breathed on a long exhale. “I’ve never done
this
before. If I’m honest I never thought I would. I didn’t think
anyone would… I don’t know… want to stick around with the cripple. I suppose
I’m finding it difficult to accept that you just might.”

“Don’t
talk about yourself like that. It hurts me when you belittle yourself in that
way. You know, when I was an outsider so to speak, I never would’ve guessed you
had these doubts about yourself. And it really gets to me that you do. But at
the same time, I kind of like it. To everyone else you’re so
sure
of everything and I feel sort of
honoured that I know a different side of you - that I know the
real
you.

“I
don’t know if you’ve had some kind of bad experience, whether some guy has said
something out of order or treated you differently because of your disability…
but I need you to remember I’m
not
that
guy. The fact your legs don’t work means shit to me, Rach.

“I
fell in love with your personality – your confidence and your sense of
humour. I love the way you would make mince out of a man’s balls with your bare
hands if they dared mess with someone you care about, and for some bizarre
reason I even love your gross fetish for Pot Noodles. I love
you
, Rachel… fucked-up spinal cord and
all.” I said firmly, cupping one side of her face with my hand and stroking my
thumb across her jaw.

“I. Love. You. Every little piece of you.
Your mad hair, your tattoos, your rich-brown eyes, this sparkly little ring,” I
traced the ring sitting flush on her lower lip with my thumb, “and I especially
love that cute little freckle just below your left bum cheek.”

“Jared,
I…”

“Shh,”
I muttered, pressing a finger over her lips. “You don’t need to say it back.
Not yet. I already know you feel it… but I don’t want you to say it until you
trust me. And like I said this morning, you
will
,
Rach, because I’m going to spend every day of forever proving it to you.”

“I
don’t know what to say,” she mumbled timidly before chewing on her lip ring.

“Well,”
I said with a devilish grin as I took hold of her hand and placed it on my
throbbing hard-on. “Actions speak louder than words, baby.”

“Now
that
,” she breathed - her eyes
beginning to twinkle. “That, I can do.”

And
by God was she telling the truth. Rachel spent the next two hours
showing
me how she felt over and over
again and in a thousand different ways.

Yes.
I
definitely
fucking love her.

**********

Sunday
rolled around quickly enough. It’s been a strange week with Rachel though. I
think she feels guilty for doubting me. Either that or she is still secretly a
little suspicious. It’s like she’s closed a part of herself off from me. The
invisible wall she puts in front of herself for the rest of the world suddenly
seems to remain when we’re alone and I don’t like it.

I’ll
find a way to break it down though. I have to. I’ve just got to figure out how.

So,
shoes on – check. Jacket on – check. Sweaty palms – check.
Yep, I was ready to go and pick Jessica up and take her to our parents for the
not-so-joyous announcement.