Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (7 page)

“Annoying
but cute though right?”

“Ugh,”
was her response, before she picked up another cushion and went to throw it at
me. Thankfully this time, my reflexes didn’t let me down and I caught it
mid-air.

“What
the hell happened to your hand?” she asked, concern and curiosity flooding her
voice as she lifted my hand closer to her face. My knuckles were red and
beginning to swell and I didn’t notice how much they were throbbing until
Rachel pointed it out.

“Someone’s
face happened,” I answered nonchalantly. I hoped she didn’t ask for details
because I wasn’t prepared to give them to her.

“Whose
face? What happened?” But it’s Rachel… of course she’d want details.

“A
jerk’s face. No big deal.”

“What
jerk? And of course it’s a big deal. You’re not the type to go around punching
people for no reason. What happened?
Tell
me
.”

“An
old friend said something I didn’t like. I warned him to drop it. He didn’t. So
I punched him.”

“What
did he say?”

“Just
drop it, Rach.”

“Or
what? You going to punch me too?”

“That’s
not even funny. You know damn well I’d never hurt you.” I knew she was teasing
but my mood was slipping as I recalled the things Ben had said at the pub.

“Something’s
wrong. This whole thing isn’t like you,” she said seriously, her voice cracking
slightly. “What the fuck did he say?”

“He
said something about you, alright?” I snapped unintentionally. “Sorry,” I
muttered. “I’m not getting into what the dickhead was saying. He was drunk and
talking shit.”

“You
don’t need to tell me - I can imagine. I’ve grown up with it.” Rachel shrugged,
acting completely unfazed. But I suspected that’s exactly what it was –
‘acting’.

“Well
you shouldn’t have done. It’s fucking bullshit. People are so fucking up
themselves with their fucking stupid, insensitive, judgemental fucking
opinions.”

“You
do realise you just said ‘fucking’ four times in one sentence? That’s not very
gentlemanly of you.”

“You’re
implying there’s a lady in the room,” I joked, raising an eyebrow and feeling
safe in the knowledge she’d ran out of cushions. “But seriously, how do you
deal with that shit?”

“By
ignoring it. I have to. If I allowed myself to listen to it or give it a second
thought, I’d spend my whole life crying.”

Rachel
crying… it’s almost unimaginable.

“So
you’re not the big tough badarse you make yourself out to be then, eh?”

“Maybe
not. But if you ever tell anyone I’ll punch you so hard in the balls you’ll be
coughing up sperm for a month.”
Ouch!
I
literally squirmed slightly in my seat. “I’m used to people judging me. But
you
? Well… I don’t want that for you
too.”

It
took less than a second for a light bulb to switch on in my head.

“Wait…
is that why you won’t go out with me? Because you’re worried what people will
think… of
me
?” The air turned
instantly thicker as Rachel’s face melted into a frown. “Rach?” I prompted
while squeezing her knee with my hand. “Talk to me.”

“Partly,”
she said quietly. I waited patiently for her to elaborate but after several
minutes of serious silence, I figured she needed a little prompting.

“Please
don’t worry about me, saffy. I’m a big boy now, you know. No amount of looks or
whispers could ever be bad enough to make me regret being with you. So if
that’s all that’s stopping you…”

“That’s
not all. I just… well… ah fuck, I don’t know.”

“You
do
know,” I argued, hopeful that we
were
finally
getting somewhere. “You
trust me don’t you?”

“That’s
just it…” she trailed off, shaking her head at herself.

“What?
You don’t trust me?” Crap, that stung.

“I
do
trust you, Jared. That’s the
problem.”

“I
don’t get it.” I scratched at my head for a second but guess what? I
still
didn’t get it.

“I
don’t like trusting people. The only people I’ve ever trusted are my parents
and Emily. I can’t afford to become reliant on you. I can’t let myself
need
anybody, Jared. But sometimes when
I’m around you I feel it slipping. Sometimes when you’re not here I think I
do
need you. Then when we’re together I
find myself letting you take control sometimes… it could be something small
that I’d usually do myself, and then you’ll do it and… and I
like
it. That’s scares the living shit
out of me.”

“I’m
sorry, Rach but I still don’t understand. You
like
me being around but you don’t
want
to like it?”

“No.
I don’t. Because what if I let myself get used to it, or even worse
dependant
on it? And then you’ll leave
and I’ll be completely fucking screwed!” I tried to hold it back but it came
anyway – a huge, proud smile took up residence on my face. “What the fuck
are you grinning at?”

“That’s
the first time you’ve said you want me.”

“I
didn’t say that.”

“You
kinda did. Or at least, that’s how I’m choosing to interpret it.”

“Well
it doesn’t even matter. I can’t be with you.”

“I’m
not going anywhere, Rachel. I have no way of proving that to you right now, but
if you let me in, I will show you.” She looked up at me with such sad eyes.
They weren’t dubious, or doubtful… just sad. “It’s okay to need people, saffy.
It doesn’t mean you’re weak. Hell, no one could deny what a strong person you
are. I’ve never heard you complain about your disability
once.
Never heard you ask for
help
once
– even though it’s
okay to ask. You’ve never let it hold you back and I admire you so much for
that. But there’s independence, then there’s loneliness, Rachel. Don’t live
your life alone because you’re too afraid of being close to someone… to
me
.”

“You
don’t know what you’re saying. I know I’m independent and I play it off as no
big deal but the truth is, it
is
a
big deal. Everything I do is a struggle. Yeah I’ve grown up like this, so I
don’t know any different… but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it tough
sometimes, you know? I like how you see me now. I like that we’re ‘mates’. I
like how we can drink together, insult each other… I like that you see
me
and not that bloody chair…”

She
nodded her head towards her wheelchair that was parked parallel with the arm of
the sofa.

“But
if you had to see me
every
day…”

“I
do
see you every day,” I interrupted.

“I
mean
really
see me – see how I
live, how I get through each day. I know I sound dramatic but I’m just…”

“Just
what? Spit it out, Rach.”

“Afraid.”

“Afraid?”
I repeated incredulously. “Afraid of what?”

“Of
being pitied. Especially by you.”

“I
do
not
pity you, Rachel,” I said
assuredly. “And I never will.”

“You
will. Everyone does. My mum, dad and even Emily to a degree. Imagine if I
wanted that pen over there,” she pointed to the small glass table in the corner
of the room. “Could you just sit there while I hauled myself in my chair, went
and got it and then hitched myself back on here? Or would you just get it to
save watching me struggle? Or what if I fell getting out of the bath again?
Would you feel sorry for me?”

“Of
course I fucking would! But that’s got jack shit to do with the fact your legs
don’t work, Rach, it’s because I’m fucking
human
!
I could walk in one day and find Emily’s slipped and cracked her head open… and
yeah, I’d feel sorry for
her
too.
You’re confusing caring about someone with pitying them. As for the pen? I have
no idea if I would get it. My guess is, sometimes yes, sometimes no, depending
on whether I could be arsed. It’s like you’re worried people can’t see past
your chair… but I think it’s
you
who’s
struggling to see past it.”

“I
just don’t think you know what you’re getting into,” she argued. “I couldn’t
bear it if you thought I needed taking care of. Or that you-”

“You’ve
got it
so
wrong, Rachel.” I
interrupted. “I don’t want to be your carer. I want to be your lover dammit!”

“Kiss
me.”

“
What?
” I had to double check because her
voice was so faint I barely heard her.

“Kiss
me, Jared.”

“Are
you saying y-”

“I
don’t know what I’m saying yet. I just want you to kiss me. I
need
you to kiss me.” Well I’ll be
damned. She just admitted that she
needed
something from me. If I thought I could’ve gotten away with it without
getting a whack to the nose, I would’ve punched the air.

So,
resisting the urge to high-five someone, I knelt up on the sofa and slowly
pressed Rachel down into the cushions. My fingers trailed up her neck and
settled on her cheek as I bent down and brushed her nose with mine.

“Anything
for you.”

Rachel

“
I’m
sorry,” I murmured against Jared’s bare
chest as I traced small circles around his nipple with my finger. We were both
warm, sticky and still a little breathless from yet another mind-blowing sex
session.

“What
the hell for?” he all but snapped, pushing slightly away from me so he could
see my face.

“Being
a whiny bitch who doesn’t know what’s good for her,” I confessed.

“So
you’re admitting that I’m good for you?” Honestly if he’d smiled any wider his
skin would’ve split.

“You
were right. It’s
me
who’s been making
a big deal of everything. I never realised until recently how insecure I really
am. Even admitting that makes me feel stupid.”

“Don’t
ever
feel stupid. Not around me,”
Jared assured, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand and staring intently
into my eyes.

“It’s
not all an act. I
am
loud, too opinionated
for my own good and not overly keen on other human beings… but I never knew how
badly I wanted to be… accepted I guess, until I developed these weird feelings
for you.”

“Weird,
huh? Good weird I hope.”

“Now
that I’ve decided to roll with it, pardon the pun…
definitely
good weird.”

“Whooooa,
wait up,” he said, shrugging out of my hold on his chest and sitting upright
against the headboard. I had to try very hard not to stare at the tip of his flaccid
cock poking out from beneath the sheet. “Is this your way of saying
yes?
”

“It’s
me saying you screw me around and I will serve you your bollocks for
breakfast.”

“Sounds
fair,” he agreed, reigning in his smile. “Does that mean I can fuck you
whenever I want now you’re my girlfriend?”

“Um…
no. I’m afraid you still kinda need my permission. There’s this law about rape
and shit. I’ve heard it can get pretty ugly if you go against it.”

“Well,
girlfriend… I’m requesting permission to fuck your brains out,” he groaned
against my ear after rolling himself on top of me and nudging between my thighs
with his suddenly gloriously hard cock.

“Permission
granted,” I said, grinning wickedly and already feeling the swell of
anticipation between my legs.

There
was no going back from here. This is the first person I’ve let get close enough
to break my heart… and I’m powerless to do anything but wait and see if it
happens.

**********

The
next morning I rolled over expecting to drape my arm over Jared’s warm body.
Holy fuck, I’m in a
relationship. How
grown up does that sound? However, I was met with a cold empty space. His shirt
from the night before was still in a crumpled heap on the floor so I knew he
was nearby.

Pulling
myself to the end of the bed, I reached over to my chair and pulled it so it
was level with the mattress. After lifting myself into it I made my way to the
door, plucked my dressing-gown from the hook on the back and wrestled my way
into it.

I
found Jared in the kitchen filling the kettle with water. He hadn’t seen me
approach so I just sat gawping at his shirtless body while he pottered around
my kitchen. It was like watching a scene in a movie – perfect. I sighed
contentedly, feeling a bizarre sense of completeness. As I stared up and down
his glorious athletic body, landing on his head of sandy-blonde ‘bed hair’
sticking out in every direction… I had to stop myself yelling ‘I love you’.

Because
I do. He’s become my best friend, my lover and the only person I want to spend
every breathing second with. I love him – and it scares the fuck out of
me.

“Dammit,
saffy!” Jared grunted when he spotted me in the doorway. “Will you stop getting
up every time I plan to bring you breakfast in bed!”

“Well
I hope you’re going to make it right this time,” I sneered over the fuzzy
warmth wrapping around my heart and making me breathless.

“At
least go and sit down.”

“Are
you taking the piss?”

“You
know what I mean,” he said, shooing me away with his hand. “In the living room.
Now.”

“Ooo
how very dominant of you,” I teased. “If I don’t do it will you spank me,
master?”

“Either
that or I’ll ruin your breakfast. So go on, piss off.” Chuckling like a
lovesick thirteen year old, I turned to leave. “But, Rach?” he called after me.
“If you want kinky shit, I can give you kinky shit.” The intense ache deep in
the pit of my belly, spreading downwards and making me wish I could squeeze my
thighs together, told me I did indeed want whatever ‘kinky shit’ he was
offering.

Biting
my lip to stop a moan escaping as an unfamiliar giddiness seared through my
veins, I kept my hands on my wheels-rims and practically sped into the living
room.

Five
minutes later Jared and his glorious abs sauntered into the living room. He
walked slowly, balancing a tray in his hands which he cautiously lowered onto
my lap when he reached me. This was his second attempt at making me a Pot
Noodle and as I prodded inside the plastic cup with my fork, I wondered if he’d
taken on board the advice I gave him last time.

“Looks
good. Not too watery,” I said while twirling the noodles around my fork.
“Smells good,” I added, bringing it up to my mouth. I made a point of chewing
for longer than necessary, noting that Jared was watching me with eager eyes as
he awaited my opinion. “Tastes good too,” I praised with a smile.

“So
I’ve mastered the perfect Pot Noodle?” he asked enthusiastically.

“Not
quite.” He raised an eyebrow, looking down quizzically at me. “You’ve cut my
bread into rectangles. I like
triangles
.
They’re easier to dip that way.”

“In
that case maybe it’s
me
who’s in need
of a spanking, eh?”

Images
of smacking that perfectly taut arse of his flooded my mind and I had to push
them away before I started drooling into my breakfast.

“I
need to take a shower after this and leave. I’ve got classes this morning and
then I’m going to attempt to finish my Cezanne assignment in the library… where
there’ll be no hot men to distract me.”

“There’d
better not be. I’m the only man who gets to distract you now, saffy. Hot or
otherwise… got it?”

“Wow,
you’re really getting into character aren’t you, master? I can’t wait to get
home tonight.” I winked at him before tipping the dregs of my noodles into my
mouth. “You got work tonight?”

“Yeah.
Suppose I better show my face. I’ve had a lot of time off lately and after my…
disagreement
with Ben yesterday, I think
Mick’s pretty pissed off with me.”

“You
know, I’ve heard you and Dex talk about Mick being this big fat arsehole… but
come on, he lets you get away with a lot of shit.”

“Yeah
well, Mick can be an arsehole – but he’s an arsehole who just happens to
be my uncle.”

“Your
uncle?
” How didn’t I know that
already? “How didn’t I know that already?” I repeated out loud.

“Probably
‘cause I’ve not told anyone before,” he shrugged.

“You’re
being weird. Why are you being weird? Jesus, he didn’t fiddle with you did he?”

“
What?
Fuck no! I guess I’m just used to
not being allowed to talk about him. I’d be thrown out before I even finished
speaking his name in front of my parents.”

“Why?”

“Apparently
he got pissed one night and tried it on with my mum. Oh, and in case that
didn’t make it clear – Mick is my
dad’s
brother.”

“Yeah
I got that.”

“It
was years ago now. I barely saw him growing up but I knew who he was and that
he owned the pub. But as you can imagine, my dad’s not happy that I work for
him.”

“So
why do you? Aren’t you mad about what he did too?”

“Sure.
At least I
was.
But Mick helped me
out when I was going through a pretty tough time. He got me back on my feet
when my dad wouldn’t even speak to me.”

“What
ha-”

“But
that’s a whole other story. Go on, you better get ready or you’ll be late,” he
cut me off, deliberately forcing a subject change. I nodded weakly and forced a
smile. Then, after kissing my nose Jared took the tray from my knee and
disappeared into the kitchen.

I’ve
always seen Jared as my goofy friend who could rival any fifteen year old in
the behaviour department. But now it feels like I’m seeing
more
of him every single day and it’s as exciting as it is
nerve-wracking. When I looked into his vivid green eyes as he spoke about Mick,
his surprise uncle, helping him out… I witnessed a sadness in his eyes that
made me suspect he wasn’t as carefree as he liked people to believe.

Maybe
we’re more similar than I originally thought.

**********

“You’ve
slept with someone!” is how my friend Holly greeted me when I met her in
Starbucks. Holly’s great. I suppose she’s the closest thing I’ve got to a
‘girl’ friend since Emily left. She’s in several of my classes and like Emily,
she’s too sweet for me to be a bitch to, so somehow we’ve ended up mates.

“It
was Jared,” I admitted, wondering what gave me away and blushing ridiculously
like I’d just lost my virginity or something.

“About
time! Congratulations!” she squealed and I couldn’t help wonder what setting
the love balls she must’ve been wearing were on.

“Seriously?
You’re congratulating me on having sex?” Holly laughed and flicked her
mousy-brown hair over her shoulder like really ‘girly’ girls do.

“I’m
congratulating you on making your mind up. It feels like he’s been chasing you
forever.”

“It’s
only been a few weeks,” I argued playfully.

“In
guy time that’s forever. Unless he was completely smitten with you he would’ve
given up after a couple of days. So does this mean I get to meet him now?”

“Sure.
You could’ve met him anyway, you know that. We hang out all the time.”

“No
I couldn’t. How awkward would that have been? Watching him drool over you while
you pretended you weren’t interested. Sounds about as much fun as plucking my
bikini line.”

“How
about Saturday? We can swap ideas about our sculptures for the display next month.”

“Sounds
good to me. Providing I finish this Cezanne assignment. I’m so behind I just
can’t seem to get into it.”

“Really?”
I’d been finding it quite easy but I didn’t want to gloat.

“His
paintings depress me. They’re so dark and miserable. Ugh.” Holly literally
shuddered. “Anyway – subject change. What’s going on with your hair?”

“What
do you mean?” I asked quizzically, curling one of the pink strands around my
finger and bringing it in front of my face.

“It’s
been pink for weeks. That’s not like you.” Hmm, she was right. I usually get
bored after two weeks max.

“Guess
my mind has been preoccupied. But now you’ve mentioned it I won’t be able to go
to sleep tonight before I’ve changed it.” I was quiet for a moment while I
decided which shade to go next. “Red. Not had red in months. I’ll go and get the
stuff during dinner hour. Want to join me?”

“Sure.
I’ll help you apply it if you want?” My back instinctively stiffened slightly.
Then I remembered everything Jared had said and realised I had to let this
stupid notion about people pitying me go. “We’ll make it a real girly
afternoon!” Holly beamed, snapping me from my thoughts. You see? She would have
offered to help
any
of her friends.
Like I said, she’s girly. She’s into this kind of shit. She probably just
wanted to play human dolls while talking about guys –
nothing
to do with the damn chair.

“Great,”
I agreed.

“You
could sound a little more enthusiastic,” she complained, pouting at me.

“You
should know by now I don’t
do
squealing
and waving my hands in the air. I’ll leave the girly shit to you thanks.”

“I’ll
make a girl of you yet, Rachel Mason.”
Doubtful.
“Look I’ve got to get to sketch class but I’ll text you when it’s over and
we’ll arrange a place to meet, ‘kay?”

“Sure.
Catch you soon.” Holly blew me a kiss before flicking her hair again and then
she stood up and left. I waved her off through the window as she passed it and
continued sipping my Gingerbread Latte. This drink is without a doubt the
best
thing about winter.

After
draining the cup, I began my journey through the maze of tables, chairs and
caffeine addicts towards the exit. The queue for the counter was backed up
though so I ended up waiting in line, hoping it would go down quickly so I
could escape. Now, you’d think it’d be hard to miss someone in a big square
chair with two giant wheels on either side of their arse wouldn’t you? Well
you’d be wrong. Honestly, the amount of people who carry on about their
business as if I’m invisible is unbelievable.