Learning to Drown (21 page)

“Lucas, I’m not going anywhere,” I
said. I toed the rag rug in the center of the room. “I don’t want to.”

“I’m not a good guy. You could do
better.” His face was stone, I couldn’t read him.

“You are.”

“I shared you with my brother.”

“I wanted you to.”

“I knew I didn’t want to.”

“That’s all that matters now,” I said,
feeling anxiety crawl in my chest. Did he want me to leave? Was that what this
was about?

He stared at me. “No,” he said,
simply.

“No what?”

“No, I don’t want you to leave. That’s
what you’re thinking isn’t it?”

I nodded.

“Right. Like I said, no. I do not want
you to leave. But I need you to understand that you have the option. Wrong,
scratch that, I
want
you to understand. That if you stay, it’s you who’s
staying, not me making you. Not some game. Not some scene. Not some scenario.”

“I know.”

“I hope so. Because I’m kind of
freaked out. And when I get freaked out I get pissed. When I get pissed, I’m
hard to be around. So, here I go, off to get our provisions. You are aware of
the vehicle, you have a phone, you are free and clear of me if you want.” His
voice was gravel, hard and unforgiving. "Any requests before I go?

“Hurry back,” I said and turned my
back before I started to cry.

I wanted to be here. I didn’t know how
to get him to believe me.

When he left, I watched him do a three
point turn in the truck and head down the road in a sudden burst of gravel
dust. The tail lights winked at me, glowing red and demonic in the sudden dusk.
It had fallen from a twilight purple shadow to darkness in a blink, or so it
felt. The snow continued to drift down, looking more enchanting out here in the
woods than it ever did in the city.

I dialed Dawn and told her I’d had a
family emergency. An issue that had to be dealt with. She was free to choose a
new planner if she wanted. I felt a pang realizing I was cutting her loose
verbally the same way Lucas had just done to me. There was a difference,
though. Dawn had hired me to do a job and I was lagging. Lucas was cutting me
loose after doing the emotional equivalent of getting me hooked on heroin. But
in this case, he was the drug.

Dawn assured me that she would be
patient, we had plenty of time and I was the planner for her. She showed some
faith. So now I had to set about showing Lucas some faith.

Chapter 24

He returned with a bottle of red wine,
rotisserie chicken, what looked like a whole garden of vegetables from the
salad bar and a chocolate cake. He nearly looked startled to find me there, and
I smiled, uncorking the wine with a wine opener I’d found while peeking in the
kitchen drawers. “I’m starving.”

“Did you call anyone?”

I nodded, not looking at him. I poured
each of us a glass but let them set to breathe. “I called Dawn and told her she
could find a new planner if she liked.”

He frowned. Was he really expecting me
to leave that easily? Did he really think he was that off-putting. “And?”

“And she said no way, Jose, I was the
girl for her. So she was going to stick with me.” I said the last few words slowly
so they’d sink in.

“That’s nice of her,” he mumbled,
pulling out plates and silverware.

“Not so much. She knows I’m right for
her and she doesn’t need to second guess it.”

We pretty much ate in silence. The
wine was phenomenal and the sofa felt like heaven. A big overstuffed, off-white
monstrosity draped in various throws and padded fat with throw pillows. I
curled in around Lucas and he draped a loose arm across my back, stroking the
small of my back so softly my eyes eventually drifted closed. Some movie with
explosions and bad guys blared on the TV but I was listening to the lulling
sound of his heart.

I woke to him carrying me in his arms.
I wasn’t much shorter than him so I had no idea how he managed me, a
cumbersome, gangly package. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Time for bed.”

He took me to the bathroom where I
sleepily stumbled through my nightly routine. In the hall, he took my hand and
led me down the hall. Instead of veering into the room he’d shown me as he
master bedroom, he veered into the guest room. I opened my eyes, feeling so
sleepy I felt drugged. The last few days had sapped me emotionally and that
always made me feel like I’d been hit by a truck. “Why here?”

“I need to think.”

“About what?” I pulled back but he
tugged me gently. He stripped me of my clothes and basically dressed me in the
new flannel pajamas. I let him. I wasn’t sure why. I wanted to punch him on
some level. He was banishing me again.

“About us. About me and how I feel and
why you are so goddamn different.” Each word he spit out felt like a nail
flying from his mouth. Sharp and dangerous and possibly rusty.

“Can’t you do that with me in there
with you?” I snapped.

“No. If you’re in there with me, I’m
going to fuck you. And when I fuck you I’m going to want you.”

“You want then fuck,” I growled.

“Not with you. I fuck and then I want.
I want you more after I’ve had you than before. On all levels. My heart…”

I stared at him, eyes narrowed,
stinging with tears that I absolutely refused to shed. We weren’t away together
if he was putting me in separate room like some visiting cousin from Kalamazoo.
“Your heart what?”

“Aches. My heart aches when I’m with
you. And I don’t know if I like that.”

“I…” I shook my head and then gasped
when he pulled my arms out and put two leather cuffs on my wrists. They were
soft and pink and connected. A figure eight of buttery pink leather with
buckles that I could not reach once he’d put them on me. I know, because I
immediately tried. “What’s this?”

“If you decide you want to leave, you
can. Come to me and I’ll take these off for you before you go.”

“Why not just leave them off and I can
go if I want to go,” I bit off each word, my heart racing with hurt and
outrage.

He leaned in and kissed my forehead in
a shockingly tender manner. “Because you’ll have to come tell me this way. I
can’t stand the thought of you sneaking out of here in the dead of night like a
thief. I’d just need to know.” One more kiss on the head and then he pulled the
covers back for me. I climbed in, swallowing convulsively so I wouldn’t cry, or
worse yet, beg him to change his mind.

“Goodnight, Ember.”

“Yeah,” I said and turned my back to
him.

“I’m right next door,” he said.

I nodded, but stayed silent. He shut
the light off and I tried to look at the bright side. At least Daisy wasn’t
here.

* * * *

I was sure I wouldn’t fall asleep. I
simply
knew
I’d never drift off this way. Not as hurt and pissed and
irritated as I was. So of course I drifted off immediately upon Lucas leaving
the room. But I woke at two thirty, the chartreuse green digital numbers of the
alarm clock stared maliciously as me from the nightstand. I wasn’t hindered in
any way other than having my hands bound so I tossed the covers off and sat up,
smelling the air. A lake air smell that spoke of fewer vehicles, open land and
big bodies of water. I’d go in and I’d make Lucas let me sleep with him.

I tiptoed, the cabin's floors creaking
and groaning in certain spots. I stilled and heard outside some night bird
sound its call. Probably an owl, I thought. Hopefully and owl. A country girl I
was not and though I adored the cabin, the landscape and the seclusion was a
bit unnerving.

Lucas’s door wasn’t latched and I
pushed it open with the tips of my toes. “Lucas?”

Silence. No snoring or heavy breathing
or anything. His room was darker than mine and I wondered if he’d left the
shades cracked to the outside just enough to let the light from the side porch
shine a yellow beam of light into my room.

I inched forward in the dark so I
wouldn't stub my toe or trip. My fingers, close together because of the leather
cuffs, waved through the darkness like feelers. Finally my knee hit the edge of
the bed and I leaned in, groping for the feel of him. Slowly, my eyes were
showing me the darker outlines of objects and the hump shape of a man in the
bed. When I touched his leg a hand shot out and grabbed me hard, pulling me off
balance. I screamed as I fell but then Lucas clamped his hand over my mouth.

“Are you leaving? Did you need me to
take your cuffs off?” he said, his voice velvety in the darkness.

“No. I was lonely. I wanted to be in
here with you.”

He sighed. I heard the frustration in
that sigh. But I also heard something that sounded like desire. But that could
have been my imagination. “Go back to bed, September.”

“Lucas. Let me sleep with you.
Please?”

“No. I can take the cuffs off and you
can go or I can help you back to bed.”

Okay, so my throat felt pin-sized at
that point and my own frustration was so out of control I felt like throwing a
temper tantrum. Simply coming unglued and screaming and carrying on until he
either gave me my way or tossed me out into the night on my ass. “Lucas—”

“It’s not up for debate. Those are
your choices. Will you want to leave if I forbid it? If I won’t fuck you? Will
that make you go?”

Silence. Dark and silence. I felt like
I was in a cave, lost and on my own. I hated that feeling. “No,” I said, my
voice wavered with tears and I willed it to stop. Why did I have to be such a
fucking girl sometimes?

“Then I’ll help you back to bed.” I
felt him rise more than saw him. When his warm hand wrapped around my bound
wrists I wanted to beg him again. The urge to try anything and everything to
get him to change his mind was overwhelming. But either respect for him or
pride got in the way and I willingly let him tug me back to my bed.

Lucas tugged the sheet up over and sat
down on the edge of the bed. His hand smoothed over my forehead and now that we
were in my room I could see a slice of his profile from the meager light
through the window. “Good night again, Ember. Don’t come back. Okay?”

“Yes,” I said. “Can I…” I shook my
head as a wash of unwanted tears overflowed my lower lids.

“Can you what?” He smoothed my bangs.
I didn’t know if he could tell I was crying. Part of me hoped so, so that he
felt like shit. Part of me hoped not, so he wouldn’t know how fucking weak I
could apparently be.

“I was just going to ask if I could
ask a question.”

“Ah but that
is
a question,” he
teased. I actually laughed. It was an almost angry laugh. “But yes, you can.”

“Why? Why do I have to sleep in here?
Why if you are so protective of me? Why if I am different?”

“See, you are different. Which is why
you have to be in here. You're so special that when I’m with you, I can’t
think. I’m not sure I like that, and I’m damn sure not used to it. So you’re
close enough that I have you and you’re not so close that you’re fucking up my
head. Until I come in and touch you. Then you fuck up my head.” His fingers
slipped under the covers and he slid one into my panties. I bit my lip to keep
from making sounds. I arched my hips and held my breath when his fingertip met
my clit. He pressed and twirled and little swirls of pink stirred up in my
vision.

“When I touch you, I can’t be
rational,” he confessed. He slid that finger into my pussy, then another and
slowly started to curl his fingertips against my G-spot.

I held my breath, my head swimming and
my body thumping with pleasure. “When I touch you, all I want
is you
.
All I think of is you. All I can feel is you.” With each word he thrust just a
bit and his fingers curled and my pussy clenched. And when his lips met mine in
a soft, reverent kiss I came, my cunt seizing up around his fingertips, my body
greedily taking whatever pleasure he was willing to give.

“Oh,” I said.

“Which is why you have to sleep in
here sweet September. I’ll come get you when the sun comes up.”

Lucas left my room again. And this
time I heard him lock the door behind him.

Chapter 25

“Rise and shine sexy,” Lucas said. He
watched her struggle, watched those big blue eyes flick open and then drift
closed. Open and then closed. He wanted to smile, wanted to chuckle at her.
Though he rarely every put anything in the category, Ember could often only be
described as cute. Hot and sexy, funny and smart, a bit unsure of herself and
easily flustered, but there were times that the only word he could dig up from
his memory banks that handled all that was September Sullivan was cute.

“Hunh?”

“I said rise and shine. It’s sunny and
it’s chilly and we’re going to eat some kick ass pancakes, courtesy of me. And
then we're going to go on a hike.” His eyes drifted to her window where he’d
pulled back the curtains. Fat flakes of snow drifted down and swirled around
the small deck that lay outside her room. “It’s snowing.”