Least Said (29 page)

*

I
tried
not
to,
I
really
did,
but
when
we
returned
home
I
found
myself
counting
the
days
until
my
next
period
was
due,
certain
in
my
own
mind
that
it
wouldn’t
be
making
its
regular
appearance,
convinced
that
all
our
efforts
had
created
a
baby,
a
brother
or
sister
for
William.
Were
my
breasts
swollen,
my
nipples
slightly
sore?
I
imagined
my
belly
was
bigger,
standing
in
front
of
the
mirror
and
turning
this
way
and
that,
and
pushing
it
out
in
an
exaggerated
fashion
in
an
effort
to
convince
myself.

When
the
day
of
my
cycle
came
and
went
I
was
almost
beside
myself
with
excitement,
totally
convinced
that
this
was
it.
My
body
clock
was
nothing
if
not
regular
and
it
was
all
I
could
do
not
to
rush
out
and
buy
a
pregnancy
test or
two.
I
knew
that
these
days
they
could
predict
a
pregnancy
within
days
of
conception,
but
I
didn’t
want
to
tempt
fate,
holding
tight
to
the
possibility
that
this
really
was
it
and
we
were
having
another
baby.

A
second
day
passing
and
the
fact
that
I
felt
lethargic
–
just
as
I
had
very
soon
after
I’d
realised
I
was
pregnant
with
William
–
allowed
my
hopes
to
soar,
to
rush
forward
to
choosing
the
decor
for
the
new
baby’s
nursery
and
already
anticipating
picking
out
one
of
those
modern
prams
that
made
life
so
easy
for
a
new
mother.

Perhaps
I
could
just
take
the
briefest
peek
into
Mothercare,
I
tempted
myself
–
but
no,
Will
was
still
on
holiday
from
school
and
would
be
bound
to
mention
such
a
trip
to
Jon
–
and
then
I
remembered
that
they
weren’t
the
only
store
to
stock
everything
a
baby
might
need.

‘I’m
bored,
Mummy.’
Will
came
wandering
into
the
kitchen
looking
for
me
right
on
cue.

I
put
aside
one
of
the
bridal
magazines
I
perused
regularly,
looking
for
ideas
for
customers
making
bookings
for
wedding
cakes,
and
asked
him,
‘What
would
you
like
to
do?’

William
was
just
as
consistent
as
I
had
expected
him
to
be,
and
he
said
without
hesitation,
‘Go
to
Toys‘r’Us
and
then
McDonalds.’

It
was
said
with
a
great
deal
of
hope,
but
without
much
expectation
of
an
agreement
from
me.
Such
trips
were
usually
quite
rare
and
confined
to
Will’s
birthday
or
the
necessity
of
buying
a
present
for
one
of
his
friends,
because
of
our
determination
not
to
spoil
our
son.

‘Ok,’
I
agreed,
and
felt
a
little
flicker
of
excitement.

‘Yesssssss,’
he
was
off
and
running
around
the
table,
obviously
quite
unable
to
believe
his
luck.

‘You
can
choose
some
Lego,’
I
promised,
adding,
‘but
just
a
small
box,
because
it
isn’t
your
birthday
yet.
This
is
just
a
little
treat
because
you’ve
been
such
a
good
boy
through
the
school
holidays.
Now,
let’s
have
a
look
at
you.’
Will
hopped
impatiently
from
one
sandaled
foot
to
the
other
as
I
checked
the
t-shirt
and
shorts
he
was
wearing
for
grubbiness.’
I
nodded.
‘You’ll
do,’
I
told
him,
and
then
I
looked
down
at
the
cropped
white
jeans
and
blue
t-shirt
I’d
chosen
to
put
on
that
morning
and
added,
‘and
I
look
ok,
too.’

Despite
our
visits
to
the
outlet
being
fairly
infrequent,
we
still
came
often
enough
for
me
to
know
the
layout
of
the
store
like
the
back
of
my
hand,
and
I
was
immediately
drawn
to
the
area
where
I
could
see
an
amazing
array
of
prams
and
cots
set
temptingly
out.

Will’s
gaze
followed
mine
and
he
tugged
my
hand
impatiently,
advising
me,
‘That’s
just
baby’s
stuff
over
there
–
we
don’t
want
to
look
at
that
.
The
big
boy’s
toys
are
over
this
way.’

Sometimes
I
honestly
thought
my
son
was
far
too
intelligent
for
his
own
good,
but
I
swallowed
my
impatience
and
just
said
mildly,
‘Of
course
it
is.
I
just
thought
I
saw
someone
I
knew
over
there.’

Accepting
that
explanation
without
question,
Will
dragged
me
towards
the
aisles
full
of
transformers,
robots,
weird
and
wonderful
games
and,
finally,
to
the
shelves
stacked
with
the
Lego
that
was
his
current
passion.