Leaving: A Novel (53 page)

“Do you think I’m a tease now?”

He nodded.

“Do you want to go inside me?”

He nodded again.

“How much?” she asked with a smile.

He just nodded again, trying with all his might to hold back.

“Do you really want me? Tell me.”

“Yes.” He rolled onto her, and she began to push against him. It felt so good he thought it was over.

“Now,” he said.

“Tell me that you love me,” she said. The feeling overwhelmed him and he collapsed onto her, pushing frantically. “Say you love me.”

“I love you,” he whispered into her ear. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said, and caressed his head with the palm of her hand.

*   *   *

AFTER THEY HAD
sex, they fell asleep against each other, Love’s face on her breast. Then Joyce woke up and whispered, “Get off me now. I’ve got to pee.” She got up, held her underwear between her legs, and went into her bathroom. He rolled over and covered his face with his arm. She came back in and lay close to him, her hand on his stomach.

“Did you like it?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Was it the best you ever had?”

“D-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.”

She laughed. He lifted his arm off his face and looked at her. “What about for you?”

“The best.”

“Better than them frogs, I bet.” Love got up and pulled on his underwear and pants.

“You are my frog prince, come to rescue me from this evil kingdom,” she said.

“You crazy? You call this an evil kingdom? Man, I could tell you stories.” He walked around the room looking at the magazine cutouts on the walls.

“You think you’re so bad,” she said.

“I am bad.” He turned to her with a straight face. “I am bad, and you shouldn’t get mixed up with me.”

“I know, I know: you a G from Oaktown. A hard-ass G with a bad rap.”

“That’s right.”

“You ain’t all that.”

“I killed someone once.”

“You did not.” She sat up in the bed, like she was about to hear a ghost story.

“You don’t know.” He walked around and put his fingers on the giant plastic bubble of the gum-ball machine.

“Then tell me.”

“You don’t want to know.”

“You just don’t have nothing to tell.”

He shook his head and stared at the multicolored balls rising halfway up in the clear globe.

“You just talking,” she added.

“I wish I was. But I ain’t. I killed a boy named Snapple.”

“Now I know you’re lying.”

“His name was Murrell, but he called himself Snapple. You know: ‘made from the best stuff on earth,’ like the commercial.”

“Why’d you kill him?” She took the other pillow and held it in her lap.

“He was bugging me.”

“So you killed him?” She shook her head and turned on her side.

“Ask my brother.”

“Like he’s going to deny anything you say.”

“Whatever.” Love went to the picture of Charley Pride, sitting on a fence in a wide-open expanse of grazing land. Joyce sat up again.

“How did you kill him then?” she asked.

“I thought you didn’t believe me.”

“Maybe I do and maybe I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”

“I pushed him off a building.”

“High up?”

“No, I pushed him from the ground floor and he died.”

“That’s not what I meant. I mean off the roof?”

He turned to her. She was lying on her stomach, her chin in her hands, the blanket covering the lower half of her body.

He shook his head. “Why you smiling at me like I helped some old lady across the street or somethin?”

“I don’t know. I guess it just seems funny to me.”

“Well, it ain’t funny. I’m probably going to hell for it.”

“I didn’t mean funny like ha-ha funny. I mean interesting.”

“Well, you got a sick mind.”

“I’ve got a sick mind? You said you killed a kid ’cause he bothered you, but I have a sick mind.”

“That was a long time ago, and I didn’t mean to do it.”

“You killed him by mistake? That ain’t no hard G.”

“I pushed him on purpose. It’s just that I didn’t want to kill him.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“I just meant to hurt him. Never mind. You can’t understand.”

“Yes I can. Tell me. You didn’t want to kill him, but you had to. Right? It was some G thang to get yo props.”

Love shook his head.

There was a crash in the hallway, like a stack of china falling to the floor, and LaTanya screamed.

“What was that?” she said. She stood up, naked except for her underwear. She pulled a red robe out of her closet and ran to the door. Love opened it and almost stepped into the hallway, but Joyce pulled him back. Large pieces of glass lay on the carpet around the frame of the gold plaque. The front door was open, and LaTanya was standing in the middle of the street yelling: “You better come back here or I’m calling the police!” She ran back inside and shook her hands anxiously like she was drying nail polish. “He was chasing me with the fork,” she said. “I locked myself in the bathroom and then I didn’t hear him anymore, and when I came out, he took the frame and then smashed it against the wall and took the award and then he ran out of the house, and he’s running down the block now, but I can’t chase him. He ought to be locked up.”

“Shut up,” Love said. “Don’t worry about the award. I’ll get him.” He went back into the room and put on his shoes.

“What are you doing?” Joyce asked.

“I’m getting the award back, what you think I’m doing? Then we’ll be out of your hair. We’re too much of a handful.” He walked up the hall to the front door, but she came after him.

“Wait. You can get it tomorrow at the station.”

“Don’t you want me to get it now? He might not have it tomorrow. What if he loses it, or sells it or something?”

“Your daddy’s gonna trip, Joyce,” La Tanya yelled.

“Shit, shit,” Joyce said. “What am I going to do?”

“I’ll go get it,” Love said.

“I don’t want you to go. He’ll probably just come back here tonight anyway, right? Where else is he going to sleep?”

“I don’t know.”

“You think he might sell it, really?” she asked.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not his.”

Love raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

Joyce bit her thumbnail. “I bet he comes back. If not, we can check the station tomorrow.”

Love took a step toward the open door, but Joyce put her hand on his back. He stopped, turned to her, and then they went back into the house.

*   *   *

LOVE AND JOYCE
checked the station the next day before noon, but Li’l Pit never showed. They waited at her house that night and checked again on Friday, when LaTanya had to leave. There was still no sign of Li’l Pit when the bus took off to Atlanta.

“He thinks you’re planning to leave Saturday,” Joyce told Love. “That’s when he’ll show up.”

Love nodded but didn’t say anything. He stayed at the bus station until it got dark, then went back to Joyce’s. That night, the night before her father was to come home, Love and Joyce talked until two in the morning. He told her about growing up in Oakland with his mother and Li’l Pit.

She lay on the bed as he paced the floor, and when he was done with his stories, she opened her arms to hold him. He made love to her as hard as he could, pushing her over onto her stomach, holding her arms down, but it was not enough to rid himself of the unpleasant feeling he felt after telling her the stories, and he thrust himself at her again and again. When they were done, he lay against her, exhausted, and she held him like a baby after a temper tantrum.

*   *   *

LATER THAT NIGHT,
while Joyce slept, Love wandered into the living room. He didn’t need to turn on the light, for the streetlamp illuminated the house through the front windows. He walked over to the piano and put his fingers on the keys. He petted them, feeling their cold smoothness, but he did not press down. Next he wandered over to the TV, picked up the remote, but then put it back.

There was a rustling out front, and he quickly ran to the window to look. There was movement in the bushes, but he realized it was just a soft drizzle starting to fall. He looked up the street but saw no one in the mist of rain under the yellow lights.

Love let out a breath and sat down on the couch, pulling his bare feet up under his knees. The ticking of the mounted clock grew steadily louder in the spacious and hollow room, so that it seemed to be crying out for him to jump off the couch and do somersaults in the air. He stood up again but didn’t go anywhere. He had to do something. He felt himself sinking into the house as if it was quicksand, like all of Dallas was quicksand. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave. He hoped Li’l Pit would be there on Saturday, but he also didn’t want to leave Joyce now that he’d found someone who loved him. He might not find anyone like her again. But at least he now knew it was possible.

If he didn’t leave, her father would come home and kick him out and he’d just be on the streets and everything would be bad again, even worse because it was a new city. And what if Li’l Pit didn’t show up tomorrow?

He wanted to run out into the rain, to yell, to do something. He had promised Ruby he’d be a man, that he’d keep his promise, but now it didn’t seem like anything was going right.

There was a phone on the table by the couch, and Love picked up the receiver. It would be earlier there. He dialed and let it ring.

“Who is this?” Ruby answered. He could tell she’d been sleeping.

“Nanna?”

“Love? Where you at?”

“Dallas.”

“Honey, why you in Dallas?”

It was too complicated to explain.

“I thought you’d be in Norma by now,” she added.

Love took a deep breath. “We was on our way.”

“What happen?”

Love couldn’t answer. He felt the tears rising up in him, and he didn’t want her to hear him cry like a little boy.

“Where you callin from? You callin from jail?”

“Naw.”

“Where you at, then?” He didn’t answer immediately. The rain began to fall harder, and he heard it tapping against the window as it used to at Ruby’s when he was younger.

“A friend’s house.”

“Hold on just a minute, let me get myself up.” He heard her adjusting herself in bed.

“Okay now,” she said. “Why you callin me so late? You in some kinda trouble?”

“No.”

“Well, I’ve seen plenty of trouble come and go. You tell me what’s the matter and I’ll see how we can fix it.”

“It’s Paul.”

“I knew it. What’s he done?”

“I can’t find him.”

“What you mean?”

“I mean he’s somewhere, but I don’t know where.”

“You mean you lost him, or he ran away?”

“Both.”

He heard Ruby take a deep breath and let it out. “In Dallas?”

“Mm-hm.”

“In the station? You think someone mighta took him?”

Love shook his head, but he couldn’t answer. It was all his fault, and he’d promised her.

“How long he been gone?”

“Never mind,” Love said. “I’ll find him.”

“How long he been gone?”

“A few days. And we’ve got to be on the bus tomorrow.”

“Listen to me, Love.”

“It’s raining,” he said.

“Listen, Ronal. Have you done everything you can to find him?”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“Do what you can. Do everything you can, but you just make sure you get yourself to Norma. I’m going to tell you something. I know I said I sent you out there to save your brother, that’s what I said, but it’s you I been prayin for, Ronal—Love. I hoped you could both be safe out there, but if you have to, you got to let him go and save yourself.”

“But I promised.”

“I know what you promised, you promised it to me. But you got to listen now. Not everybody can hold up hisself and someone else too. If two people fall in a river, sometime the one that can swim get pulled down under by the one that can’t. You understand. I don’t know what kinda trouble Paul got into, but I’m sayin he ain’t the reason I sent you out there. My mama’s near ninety, and when she goes, all that lan and the house will be yours, you hear?”

“It’s my fault,” Love said.

“You’re not hearing me. You’re the last person I still got hope for in my life. Don’t let me be disappointed, please Love.”

Love felt the tears rise in him again and it choked him. There was a long silence while he tried to get control of his breath. Finally he spoke up.

“I’m going to keep my promise. I’ll find him.”

“I want you to make me a new promise.”

“I got to get off. I’ll call you when we get to your mama’s.”

“You hear me, Love? I want you to make me a new promise.”

“We’ll call you from Norma.”

Ruby let out a long breath. “All right. You be sure to do that.”

He hung up the phone and kept his hand on the receiver. He stood there in the dimly lit room, and he could hear his own breathing like someone who’d just been running from something and ducked into a corner. He stood there until his feet got too cold on the floor and he went back into Joyce’s room to lie down again.

*   *   *

HE WOKE UP
early the next morning to the sound of Joyce in the bathroom.

“You okay?” he asked.

Joyce didn’t answer for a second. He heard the toilet flush and the water run, and then she came out.

“I’m fine.” She got back in bed and lay close to him again.

They both closed their eyes, but Love was thinking of Li’l Pit waiting in the bus station. He was sure to be there this morning. He might even be waiting already. Love opened his eyes wide in panic now, realizing that Li’l Pit might not know the trunk was in storage, and if he showed up at the station, he’d believe he’d been left behind.

He sat up and pulled on his shirt while Joyce slept. He looked at her and thought of waking her to say good-bye. He wanted to at least put his hand on her hair, but he felt himself getting sad and decided he’d just better go before he thought about staying again. She didn’t wake up when he closed the door and slipped out of the house.

It had rained all the previous night, and Love inhaled deeply the cleansed air as he walked away from Joyce’s. He walked along the freshly washed streets beside the wet lawns and felt a slight intoxication, a sort of beginning again, but he knew that somewhere in the city, probably in an alley, in a box or even a Dumpster, Li’l Pit had been sleeping in the cold.