Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (12 page)

SHE WAS
QUICKLY
APPROACHING THIRTY
, and unmarried.

Her friends were all getting married and constantly asking her to be a bridesmaid. It was humiliating. She saw them whispering about her at the weddings. But she held her head high and fulfilled her duties, knowing that when it was her turn, she would show them all.

She was the oldest of her sisters, and she was tired of the questions about when it would be her turn. They were all getting engaged or married, and she wasn’t even close right now. At least her youngest sister was in high school so she wouldn’t be the very last to marry. She would never hear the end of it from her mother.

Although she was close to getting married once, her mother still didn’t approve of her choices in men. At least that one had given her a ring that she got to wear around for a year. The engagement had been more for convenience, and less for love. The sex had been seldom, and mediocre at best, so when he broke it off, she was relieved. She said yes because as shallow as it seemed, he was a lawyer and she always dreamed of being the wife of a lawyer or a doctor. She knew she would need to marry someone worthy of her, who could afford to give her the life that she deserved.

But now the clock was ticking and she was beginning to wonder if she should have let him break it off so easily.
Maybe our life together would have been fine,
she lamented.
He would have gotten the better end of the deal.

So now, she would have to keep looking. She was anxious to find “the one.” She thought the guy she was dating now might be him, but she was still skeptical. He had broken up his engagement to be with her, but after being engaged to the lawyer, she had decided she wanted a little more excitement in her life. Her guy was nice, but she wanted something more. She wasn’t sure if he was going to live up to his potential, and she didn’t want to be stuck with a dud for the rest of her life. After all, she was tiny, smart, blondish, and pretty.
Men look at me all the time. But not Adam!

But lately, she had found that as she got ready for work, she looked forward to her day more and more. Her face was pretty enough but she worked out constantly, doing lunges and squats to accent her best feature. She made sure that her skirts and pants were always tight enough to show it off.

Every guy she ever dated eventually told her that it was the first thing they had noticed about her. She didn’t mind. She was proud of how she looked and felt that she should be.

She knew that Adam noticed her, but he didn’t act like the other men, and she supposed that is what intrigued her about him. It was almost a challenge to get him to notice her, so she made sure that she really turned it on anytime he was nearby.

She flirted with him innocently enough, but he was the devoted married type, and it was always just friendly.

“Hey, how’s your Day? A,” she emailed him daily.

“Going to get coffee. Go with? A.”

“Getting lunch. You? A.” She made sure she kept in close contact with him emailing and texting him, innocently dropping hints about how much she thought of him so that they could be “friends”.

“Hey, boy problems, talk? A.” They worked together for a couple of years, and she talked to him about her engagement when it ended as well as about the new guy in her life. She often went to him for advice, sounding as though she sincerely needed someone to steer her in the right direction.

“Brynn wouldn’t mind me talking to you about my ‘guy’ problems, would she?” Annie asked Adam innocently.

Adam laughed. “Brynn won’t mind. She doesn’t care about things like that.”

Annie knew she was walking the line of inappropriate talking to a “married man” but she figured she could be friends with anyone she wanted.

Recently, she caught Adam looking at her more and more, and she was pleasantly surprised. Trouble in paradise, she presumed. He never even really looked at her before, at least not the way he was looking at her now. And she found herself looking forward to seeing him more and more.

Annie never minded when men looked at her, even the married ones. But she really enjoyed when Adam looked at her. She started making more excuses to talk to him as often as she could. She started substituting texts messages for emails and found herself “dropping by” his office sometimes “just to say hi.”

She always liked men like him. Tall, dark, handsome. Adam was smart and funny, and when he walked into a room, he took command of it without realizing it. Adam had charisma and was unlike anyone Annie had ever met. When Annie first met him, she remembered how disappointed she was to find out that was married.

Annie also admired how committed he was to Brynn and found herself imagining what it would be like to be “Mrs. Michael.” She knew it was silly, but she even resented his wife for finding him first. But as she caught his eye more frequently throughout the day, Annie decided that she had no loyalty to his wife. Hers and Adams’ friendship was their own, and she could do with it what she wanted.

Adam came into work one Monday looking as frustrated and forlorn as she had ever seen him. When she was able to corner him alone that morning, she did the best she could to hide her delight when he said he had left Brynn.

ADAM COULDN’T
BELIEVE
that he had walked out on Brynn.

And he couldn’t believe that he walked out on their anniversary. He hadn’t intended to leave right at that moment, but he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He had looked at an apartment several weeks before, but reasoned that he was just exploring his options. Adam needed to have a backup plan if he ever decided to leave Brynn. When he walked out on their anniversary, he got a hotel room and the next day rented the apartment. It was a years’ lease, which was a big commitment to make. But he and Brynn had been on the outs for a long time and he couldn’t imagine that Brynn wanted their marriage anymore. Not after she just let him go, let him leave, and didn’t even say anything as he walked out the door.

Adam had nowhere else to go.

His parents still lived in their hometown, which was too far away. His best friend, Sam and his wife, Alyssa, just had their first child, and he wouldn’t dream of trying to intrude. Alyssa would never allow it, and he had no desire to upset either of them.

In fact, he was jealous of them. They had a baby and although they weren’t sleeping, they were happy. He was ecstatic for them, but he was sad for himself. Their life was the life that he was supposed to be living with Brynn. He always dreamed of having a baby with her.

“Don’t you want a baby with your beautiful eyes, my awesome hair, my sense of humor, and your brain?” he asked her trying to wake her up. They were lounging on the bed on a rare Sunday afternoon, reading and relaxing.

“Adam! Can’t we just rest? Do we have to talk about having a baby? That’s all you ever want to do.” Brynn became agitated quickly. She sat up and glared at him with dark eyes.

Adam looked at his wife. Her cuteness always disarmed him, and today was no different as she lounged in his old t-shirt and her favorite pink boy shorts. “All we ever do is ‘talk’ about it, but we never get anywhere.”

“I’m not ready, Adam. Period.” Brynn tried to end the conversation.

“I’ve wanted to have a family with you since we were fifteen. You’re just afraid! You’ll be a wonderful mother because you are a wonderful beautiful woman. Please believe me, Brynn. I know you better than anyone.” Adam pleaded with her, trying to keep her attention. Brynn turned away and left the room without a word.

At one point, Adam even had his mom talk to her to try to reassure her that motherhood was just a normal part of life, but Brynn was still irrationally afraid.

Adam loved Brynn, but he had been thinking of leaving for a long time. He was unhappy, and he was too young to be so unhappy. He wanted a family. He wanted a child.

But more than that, he wanted his wife to love him. It had been a long time since he felt loved. Adam was her first love, and Brynn was his. But instead of growing in love, they were stalled. It was as though Brynn had a limit to what her heart could feel and, she closed it off. They stopped growing, or at least she did.

And now he came home, and she was rarely there. When she was, she acted as though he didn’t exist. Brynn couldn’t see how much he needed her because she was too busy being needed by everyone else. Most of the time, Adam was alone and he missed her. She was so close, but he missed her every day. Adam even tried telling her that he needed her, but she never heard him.

Adam missed kissing and hugging her. He missed seeing her light up when he got home from work, and he missed sending her cute little text messages throughout the day. He missed her smell and how soft her skin felt on the flat of his hand. He missed the hollow of her neck and the curve of her back. He missed everything about her.

Adam taught her how to laugh and Brynn had given him purpose in life. He enjoyed introducing her to a normal family life with his family. He knew that her own family was screwed up, but she never confided in him until after Thomas had died. He had met and spent time with Rose, and that was all that he needed to see to know that her family was atypical of most.

Soon after they began dating, Adam introduced Brynn to his family, and she was in awe of them. Their house was light, clean, well furnished, and yet comfortable. Even though Adam hadn’t known her entire story, he knew that he had to be delicate with her, and he told his parents so.

“Why do I have to be ‘gentle’ with her, Darling? What does that mean?” his mother has asked. She wasn’t used to being told how to act by her own son, and she was a little offended.

“Mom, trust me, you’ll see once you meet her.” Adam didn’t know how to explain Brynn to them. He just didn’t want them to scare her off. They were fun loving people with big personalities, and Brynn was not used to people like them.

But then they met her and understood how lovely, yet cautious and broken she was. They could see it in her eyes. They knew that it would take time for her to trust them. They were desperate to know her story but didn’t pry for fear that they would ruin it for their son, who was clearly in love with her.

The Michael’s home was unlike anything Brynn had ever seen before. Adam’s father was nice to his mother. He even flirted with her and made her laugh, and Brynn watched them both uncomfortably, yet amazed at how they genuinely like one another. Adam was just like his dad. He was quick with a smile and easy going, and he tried to make her feel comfortable even when he could tell she wasn’t.

Adam’s mom was funny and youthful, but Brynn could tell that she was also strong and Brynn liked her immediately, though she didn’t usually like most people right away. Adam’s mom spoke to her gently and protectively as if she were a lost puppy, which made Brynn more comfortable with her. Brynn’s exposure to “normal people” had been minimal and she could tell that they were easing her in, and for that, she was grateful. She was also grateful that they didn’t ask her very many questions about herself. The more she spent time with them the more comfortable she became, but she was always careful not to reveal too much.

After a year and a half of dating, Brynn was finally beginning to relax.

But sometimes Adam would catch her frowning for no reason and he didn’t understand it. Brynn didn’t even realize she was doing it, but even during the lightest of moments, her face would grow dark, and he would see a storm brewing behind her big dark eyes. He couldn’t understand what was happening in her head and when he asked, she smiled quickly and changed the subject. It took two years of dating for him to finally get her to share her thoughts with him, but he still felt as though she didn’t trust him. She was still holding back.

He didn’t truly understand her pain until the first time that he saw her naked.

He was willing to wait for her for as long as it took. He knew the first time that he kissed her that she was a virgin. He was too, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit that to her. But she was different from the other girls he kissed who hadn’t done it yet. The other girls were stiff, robotic, and tentative when they kissed him. But when he kissed Brynn, he felt her warmth, her wanting. She became vibrant and alive, and it excited him just to be near her. He knew that she was the one, but Brynn made it clear that he would have to wait for her to be ready, and she didn’t budge.

The first time that he saw her naked, he knew that it was only by her choice. His parents weren’t home, and they lay together on the couch watching TV. They were at the point where she was letting him feeling on top of her clothes, but never let him go under, no matter how many times he tried. She seemed to keep him away from her side and her stomach, always moving his hands to her back or shoulders. She did it so much that it became a game, and they laughed and kissed, but they both knew he would try again.

With his parents gone for a guaranteed long period, Adam knew that this time was different. She was different. Sometimes when he kissed her, he felt that she was somewhere else completely, but this time she was there with him with every touch.

He tried to take off her shirt as they kissed, but she held tight to it. He was so distracted with her mouth on his, and how she was breathing faster, that he didn’t realize when he was completely naked and she wasn’t. He looked down at her dismayed to see her top remaining, while everything else was gone.

“Take it off,” Adam said hungrily between kissing her ears, her neck, and her throat. “Take your shirt off.”

Each deep wet kiss felt like electricity zapping her in all of the right places, but she knew she couldn’t let him see her. He didn’t know about the blade, and she knew that he wouldn’t approve. Brynn didn’t want him to judge her. She could lose him if he realized how screwed up she really was. “I can’t,” she whispered. She was hoping to distract him as she pulled his muscular body down on top of her, almost pulling him inside of her completely. They were so close that they could both feel it.

He groaned with excitement and anticipation, and she could feel his nakedness against her. They were never this close before. She hadn’t allowed it. He wanted to have all of her, to see all of her. He kissed a trail down her neck, on top of her shirt pausing as he buried his face in between her breasts and pulled her as tight to him as he could. Adam loved how she pulled gently and twisted at his hair, and he loved how she smelled. He couldn’t get enough of her sweet, clean smell. He paused and before she could stop him, he pulled up her shirt and started to kiss her belly.

He froze.

“What the hell?” He stared at her perfect taut belly in disbelief. It was marred with long thin scars all over her sides and her stomach. Some of the lines were perfectly patterned, and some were long and haphazard with no rhyme or reason. He had never seen anything like it ever. Yet somehow, he knew what it was.

“What are you doing to yourself?” He sat up, the moment shifting from passion to shock. He looked at her, his dark blue eyes almost black, with angry tears welling up, quickly threatening to overflow. “Brynn, what are you doing to yourself? Explain this!”

Brynn refused to look at him, pulling her shirt down to cover herself. She pushed him off her and looked around desperately for her panties. She found them as quickly as she could, sliding them on, careful not to look at him. She was angry. He ruined The Night, because he had to see her stomach.
Why did he do that?
She was so angry.
Why couldn’t he have just taken me without needing to see everything? Couldn’t he have just been happy with the part of me that I was willing to give? Why did he need all of me?
She didn’t understand it. She was humiliated and embarrassed. Now he knew her secret and he would think that she was pathetic and disgusting and sick.
He will leave me now!

“Brynn, answer me! What are you doing to yourself?”

She never had to answer to anyone before for her razor blade. Brynn she didn’t know what to say, she hadn’t even imagined this moment before. She put her head in her hands and told him the best way that she could in between sobs. “Cutting… it… makes me think of anything… but the present.”

Adam sat next to her rubbing her back, trying to understand that hurting herself was the only thing that kept her sane.

“The blade… makes me focus… and forget… It… transports me outside… of my mind… my body. I need the pain…” she paused, she wasn’t sure if she should tell him the rest. “I… like the pain. It… helps me.”

He could tell that some of her cuts were fresh while others were older. He couldn’t understand why she would need to cut herself now; after all, she was abandoned so long ago. He knew that she needed help but he didn’t know what to do. He just knew that he needed to protect her always. Adam held tight to her stomach, and cried as though her cuts were his own. And then he made love to her as she begged him to. She was ready and didn’t want the ugliness of her scars to ruin it.

She wanted him to love her, in spite of her scars, and when he was deep inside of her, she knew that he did.

But she kept some of her pain to herself. She wasn’t ready to tell him everything.

She didn’t tell him about Thomas. Not until much later when he was dead. After all, they were in high school, and she could still end up in a foster home, and she didn’t want that. She was so close to graduating and having the choice at a different life that she didn’t want to be ripped from Rose’s grasp in the twenty-third hour. She wanted to leave on her terms.

And she wanted to take pity on her beautiful Adam. She knew he had discovered enough for one night, and he was still there, and he still loved her somehow.