Leaving Eva (The Eva Series Book 1) (16 page)

ROSE LAY
MOTIONLESS
in the hospital bed, tubes going down her throat, through her nose, in her veins. She was forced to be still, and she was frustrated.

How did I get here? How will I get out of here? How do I get to talk to Brynn again?

It was maddening not being able to move her arms and legs. Rose felt trapped in her body even though she couldn’t feel any of the tubes or needles. Thank God she couldn’t feel the catheter. It was unnerving Rose that she could think, but couldn’t move. Her mind was wandering. It was almost as though she were on some kind of fabulous drug, watching a play with actors that she knew, and she was the star. Rose could see everything so clearly, and she felt a sense of clarity.

She was remembering her life. Her life with Brynn. Her life hadn’t begun until Brynn showed up.

Every Halloween they dressed in matching costumes, even as Brynn got older.
Our costumes have to match Brynn! That’s what makes us so special.
Rose loved sewing their costumes. She was good at sewing, and she had started making all of her own clothes. She tried to make clothes for Brynn, but she refused to wear them once she got into high school. So Halloween was the one time of the year that she could go all out for her Brynn. She remembered the poodle skirts, and the butterfly costumes, and the princesses. Rose loved every costume she made for her, and she kept them all. It was another way of connecting the two of them together. Rose needed to connect with Brynn as often as possible.

You can’t leave me to go to college
; she had said to her when she was a child, and showing promise in school.
If you go, I will go. I’ll have to follow you. I can’t live without you.
Rose was true to her word, and when Brynn went to college, Rose went with her, renting an apartment close by.

When Brynn was in high school and wanted to go to parties or to the mall with Stacy, Rose insisted on going, too. She reluctantly let Brynn have a job only because they needed the money, and she knew that Brynn would be happy making her own money. It was the one unselfish thing that Rose let her do. She knew that it meant a great deal to her and that she couldn’t stop her from doing it. So at least three or four times a week, she would go up to the restaurant and have coffee just so they could chat, even though Brynn was busy working. She just loved watching her work and telling all of the customers, “There’s my girl!”

Brynn’s co-workers and the restaurant owners always remarked how interesting it was that Brynn and Rose were so close. Rose could tell by their faces that they thought it was a little odd, but she didn’t care. Brynn didn’t seem to mind, so she didn’t mind.

Even when Adam came along, Brynn was still Rose’s best friend. She made sure that Brynn knew how special she was and how much she needed her. She could tell that Brynn would get frustrated with her at times. Brynn even began telling her that she was becoming eccentric, but Rose knew that Brynn still loved her.

Rose didn’t care what anyone else thought. Brynn’s was the only opinion that mattered. She wasn’t completely oblivious and could tell that sometimes people thought it was a little strange that Rose was too fixated on her grown child.

She knew that it annoyed Brynn sometimes that she would text her whenever she left the house and then again upon return. But what if something happened? How else would Brynn know to come looking? If Rose made multiple stops, she would text when she left and arrived at each one.

And if something funny happened at the store, she would text Brynn to tell her all about it. If it were too long of a story, she would call. Brynn always answered. And if she didn’t, Rose would just keep trying until she did because Brynn really liked Rose’s stories.

Rose’s mind uncontrollably went back to the darker days.
Damned coma!
When Rose was awake, she could control her thoughts, and she tried never to think about Thomas. But now, her mind was just drifting.

She had already visited her childhood. She was glad to stop thinking about that because it made her sad, too. Daddy was unhappy that she hadn’t been a boy. But she adored Daddy anyway, and it made Rose sad that he never loved or wanted her, despite her deep affection for him. Momma Clara just never accepted Rose for who she was. Brynn knew that she would never treat her own daughter as Clara treated Rose. Rose was happy to get away from her childhood. It hadn’t been a happy place to go.

I don’t want to think about Thomas. I don’t want to think about Thomas.

But it was too late. Rose’s mind had already gone to Thomas. When she saw him in her mind, he wasn’t the demon she remembered. He was just a man, and a fairly good-looking man.
Why hadn’t I ever noticed that before?

Rose was surprised to see the way that he looked at her, how his eyes followed her across the room and then darted away whenever she looked at him.
Why didn’t I ever see that when he was alive?

He was shy with her. But when they sat in silence, she could tell that he relaxed and was comfortable with her. When he did try to talk, she rebuffed him, which was often in their younger days of being married. It got to the point that rebuffing him was her only way of communicating with him, or just outright ignoring him.

I never realized it before how hard he tried to talk to me or just how much he loved me. He told me but I thought he was just punishing me to be cruel.

I hated that man so much for how he hurt my Brynn, and how he hurt me
. She watched him in her mind, as he got drunker and drunker on his whiskey and how his face changed over time.

The whiskey distorted him into an angry man filled with demons that he couldn’t begin to face. It was during those times when he would grab her and hold her so tight to him as though he wanted to crush her. She never understood it and thought he was merely trying to suffocate her. But when she saw it from her mind, it almost looked as though he were hugging her, holding her, cherishing her. She could see his face for the first time and it was almost as though he was breathing her in.

She would tell Brynn that she didn’t love him loudly enough that he could hear her. She thought that he loved her as men love their hunting dogs; they took care of them and needed them but still treated them like bitches. She knew it made him mad and that it hurt him to hear that she had no use for him, but she didn’t realize that it was for a different reason. This man was
in love
with her and she had never quite seen it before.

She wondered if she had ever been nice to him if he would have not had a reason to hit her.
Did he hit me to be close to me? Or was it for control or power?
If he was in love with her, he shouldn’t have hit her, but he did it to punish her. He always felt she was mocking, and sometimes she was. The only control Rose ever had over her life was to withhold any love or affection. After all, in the beginning, he was nice to her.

She saw him as a younger man trying to talk to her, and he was just shy. She was oblivious to his stumbling because she didn’t realize what he was doing. But he was just terrified, of her.
HE WAS TERRIFIED OF HER!
She couldn’t believe it. How had he turned into this hideous monster, beating his wife and his child?

He really did resent Brynn for coming between them. The one thing that Rose ever wanted from him, he gave her. Then he hated Brynn. He hated Brynn, and he hated himself for giving her to Rose.

If I knew he loved me, would I have cared? Would it have mattered? Would it have been any different?
She was so caught up in having a baby that she didn’t realize that Thomas married her because he was in love with her. She thought that he married her because he wanted a wife, and not because he wanted
her
as his wife.

In her mind, she saw them as children. She saw him watching her when he was a young boy and she could tell that he was smitten.
So it went back that far? I had no idea. Did he ever say he loved me? Did he ever tell me or was he just always mean? I don’t know if it would’ve mattered.

The first time he slapped her, she was stunned.

Brynn was turning six and Rose was busy planning her birthday party. The slap came unexpectedly. He had started drinking early, and he was angry because he said she had spent too much money on the party. “I don’t know who you are tryin’ to impress,” he had slurred angrily. She hadn’t purchased anything more than the year before, so she was confused by his anger. Rose’s cheek was stinging where he had slapped her hard. Nobody had ever slapped her in the face before, and she couldn’t believe how much it hurt. Thomas didn’t even apologize.

She looked over at Brynn who watched him slap her, and she could tell that it frightened her. So she smiled at her to make her think that she was all right, and Brynn smiled back showing her pretty little teeth.

“What the hell are you smiling for?” he said frustrated. Rose could tell that he wanted to slap her again, and she braced for it. “Oh, Jesus, relax. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re such a paranoid idiot.” He had started to become meaner and Rose didn’t understand it. She didn’t know how to stop it. There was nobody she could talk to, and she knew that she couldn’t talk to him.

There were so many times after that when the slapping turned to hitting, and the hitting turned to punching. Eventually, the punching turned to kicking, and Thomas managed to throw shaking and shoving and pushing in, too. Rose didn’t understand the anger and the violence in him, and she was afraid. He would bubble up out of nowhere at times and there was nowhere that she could go.

When he got to be too drunk to hit, he was mean. He said vile, horrible things. Rose knew that he said mean things to Brynn, too, spitting out words that made them both feel stupid and small. He could turn any word into a curse just by the tone in which he said it.

Rose wanted to leave him more than anything.
If I leave him, Brynn will starve.
She stayed year after year. There was nothing else that she could do. But she made sure that he knew that she didn’t love him, it was the only way she knew how to fight back. If she had loved him, would it have been different for them? Would he have been nicer?

Rose wished she could shut off her mind. She wished that she really was asleep and couldn’t see her life from so many different perspectives. If only Rose could just allow her mind to go blank. She shouldn’t have to see her life like this, especially now when it was too late to change anything. What was the purpose of having clarity and perspective now when nothing could be done?

Now Rose almost felt bad for what she had done to him. What
they
did to him. But how could she have known?

HE DIDN’T
PLAN
TO DATE SOMEONE SO SOON.

Adam hadn’t talked to Brynn in months and felt so lost. Even though they were living separate lives while they were under the same roof, he still missed her presence. Adam missed her voice and her smell. He missed looking at her when she didn’t know that he was looking, and seeing Brynn’s dark hair fall all over, and how she impatiently pushed it to the side. Adam had already spent half of his life with her, and didn’t know if he was going to be able to survive without her.

Adam worried that she was cutting herself again. It had been so long, but he didn’t know if she would still want to. He hoped that she wouldn’t, but he knew that he couldn’t stay with her for that reason alone. She had never cut herself deep enough for any medical treatment. Most of the time, she just made superficial cuts, even though she still felt the pain, and the scars were evident.

He kept telling himself that he was going to call her. Every day he woke up and said, “This is the day.” But then the day would go by and he would find that he hadn’t called her, and he didn’t know why. He felt like such an asshole for not calling.

Adam felt like such an asshole for walking out and for giving up so quickly.

He had driven by the house numerous times thinking
if I just went in. If I just walked up to the porch and rang the bell, we could talk and everything would be all right.

But he was afraid. It had been so long and with each passing day, more and more time went by. More time that he didn’t talk to her, didn’t call her, and didn’t see her. He knew she was pissed at him, and disappointed, and so hurt. He felt like such a coward but he couldn’t face her. Sometimes he would just sit outside the house in his car and dare her to see him.
If she sees me, shouldn’t I go in? If she sees me, maybe I could apologize to her, and we can start all over. After all, I still love her, don’t I? I think I still want to be her husband.
He thought the answers would come if he sat outside of the house that he once walked into every day, happily married to his beautiful Brynn.

It scared Adam that he didn’t know the answers. One moment he wanted nothing but Brynn, and the next he didn’t know at all. He thought maybe the wood and the beams would just speak to him and tell him what he should do.

But the house was silent.

He just didn’t know anymore. The more time that went by, the more confused he was. He began to forget the sound of her voice. The pictures in his phone reminded him of what she looked like, but he hadn’t taken one of her in a long time. Brynn used to smile at him, but at some point she stopped and when she stopped, he didn’t take any more pictures. He didn’t want to see the scowl on her face or the darkness in her eyes. He wanted to see the girl that he could make laugh, and she had disappeared without any warning.

He just wanted to turn back the clock and go back to a time when they were happy.
Was it when we were fifteen, or when we were in college? Or was it in our first apartment, or when we moved into our house? Maybe it was never, maybe we were never really happy, and I just imagined it all.

Adam seemed to remember that he was so happy to be with her, but had she ever been happy? Or had she always been so tired and miserable. Was she always this complacent in their love?

One morning he woke up, and Brynn was a distant stranger to him. He had heard of this happening to couples, but he never thought that it would happen to them. They were Adam and Brynn, Brynn and Adam.

He waited a couple of weeks before he called his parents to tell them that he had left Brynn. Even though they told him he should come home for some perspective, he declined. He couldn’t face them. He couldn’t deal with the guilt and the lectures.

He didn’t want to deal with it, at all.

His parents loved Brynn almost as much as he did. After all, they had believed in her enough to invest in her restaurant. They felt that somebody had to.

“What happened to you and Brynn?” his Mother asked, trying not to pry but needing to know. In the beginning, Lillian was admittedly hesitant to give Adam over to this fragile girl. But when she saw how much he loved her, she relented. She was afraid that he wouldn’t enjoy his youth and his life. But she knew that Adam followed his heart, just like his Daddy, and she let herself fall in love with Brynn, too. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing her now, not when Adam and Brynn had been through so much. Adam’s Mom knew that Brynn was more reluctant in her love, but it was there as clear as day.

The Michaels had met Rose once early on and knew immediately that her relationship with Brynn was strange, to say the least. It was almost as though she were completely dependent upon Brynn for everything, which was a lot to bear for a girl so young.

Lillian loved her son with all of her heart, but she could never imagine depending on Adam for so much. After all, she was the mother. He was a young man and it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of her. It was up to her to take care of him. Lillian felt that her gift to him was his childhood, his adolescence, and the freedom to live his life protected and free.

Lillian knew that it must have gotten bad for him to just give up on his love for her. “Honey, you know you can just come home. You know that you don’t have to stay there all alone!”

“I’m okay Mom. I’ll come home when I’m ready.” He dreaded the call, but knew that he needed to make it. He kept it short without much detail and hung up as quickly as he could. Adam was keeping to himself. He had only been out with Sam once since he left, but being with Sam only made it worse. There was a day when hanging out in a crowded bar was fun for both of them, but it was clear that neither of them really wanted to be there.

“I’m sorry, man,” Sam had said after they had gotten their third beer and were settled in to what was once their favorite table, optimal for harmless girl watching. They were men, and liked to look, but they never ever touched. Sam had been his best friend for a long time now. They were similar in many ways and cut from the same cloth. They were both handsome and youthful, Sam with the boyish good looks, Adam more mature. But both in committed relationships and both devoted to their wives.

“I really thought you loved her, man.” Sam said, trying to mask his disappointment. He really liked Brynn, and thought she and Adam were good for one another.

“I do!” Adam had said his frustration evident. “That’s just it. I do love her. But I can’t talk to her. We’ve been separate from each other for so long.”

Sam’s phone vibrated for the tenth time that night. He jumped and read the text from his wife, smiling as he did it.

“Sorry about that.” He said trying to hide his boyish smile. “The baby just smiled. The wife sent me a pic.” He held up his phone to show Adam his pink head banded daughter’s mushy little smiling face. Sam couldn’t contain his excitement in his sparking blue eyes.

Adam had tried to smile. “Listen, man, why don’t you go home? Spend time with your family. I’m okay, really. At least I will be.”

Adam could tell that Sam had mixed feelings. “I’m good, really. I can stay.” Sam said, his voice wavering just a little.

Adam convinced him to leave when he finished his beer. He knew that there was no point having his friend there when he clearly wanted to be somewhere else. He was jealous. He wanted what Sam had. He wanted to be the guy getting the pictures of the squishy-faced baby. He wanted to have a family of his own and he wanted to have it with Brynn. But now he couldn’t.

Sam finished his beer, man-hugged his friend, and left the crowded bar, happily.

Adam stayed and hung out by himself until he felt sufficiently drunk, and then grabbed a cab back to his apartment feeling more depressed than ever.

He found that the only thing that distracted him was work.

He liked going in and knowing what he needed to do every day. A bright spot in his day had turned into Annie, his co-worker who he had confided in after he first left Brynn. Adam always liked her sunny disposition and it didn’t hurt that she was easy on the eyes. She was the queen of strange relationships, which he could never figure out, but he never really tried to analyze her love life before. He thought she was engaged at one point, but she no longer wore the ring.

He could never keep up with his co-workers and their love lives, and he intentionally never tried.

But he appreciated that Annie had seemed to make it her mission to brighten up his day every time she saw him. She brought him coffee every morning and occasionally one of those blueberry muffins he loved. She always asked how he was doing and made it a point to email him funny stories or cartoons to make him laugh. She seemed genuinely concerned about him, which caught him off-guard.

He hadn’t had anyone dote on him for quite a long time, and he was flattered. He had forgotten what it was like to have someone care about him, and want to make him smile. But then again, when he thought really hard about it, he couldn’t remember if Brynn had ever made as much of an effort for him as Annie seemed to be making.

After all, Brynn had her mother and the restaurant and a million other things occupying her mind. Annie was his friend and more and more he found that she tried to make sure that things were going well for him as she checked in throughout the day. He liked that she lit up whenever she saw him, and he found that more and more often he looked for her emails and texts.

I’m still married.
He said to himself. Even though he hadn’t done anything, he felt guilty.

He knew she had a boyfriend, so he reasoned with himself that they were just friends.
So why do I feel awkward mentioning Brynn’s name? Why do I feel guilty when she smiles at me?

He tried not to look at her as all the other guys did. But he found that more and more he was noticing how tight her skirts were and how pretty her face was. He had never noticed that before. He had always felt pretty comfortable around her, but he was starting to find that he felt awkward, almost shy when she talked to him.

What in the Hell am I doing?

He was confused. He knew that involving himself in any way with Annie would confuse the outcome with Brynn. But Brynn didn’t care about him. If she did, she would have called. He hadn’t spoken to her in nearly three months now, and still there had been no word.
How has it been three months already? How can I have abandoned my wife for three months?

He knew that he was a good guy. He had always been a good guy, defender of the weak and taking care of others. He was the guy that did the right thing. But now he felt that he was on a slippery slope. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but he knew that he was on the verge. He reasoned that he was separated. That he was no longer in the same committed relationship that he had been in once. He reasoned that he was on the verge of divorce and that one drink or one dinner wouldn’t hurt. She had been asking him, but he always found an excuse.

He knew that he wasn’t going to be able to make excuses for much longer, and he was coming to the realization that he didn’t want to.

“Okay, Mister” she said sitting on his desk, just enough so that he got a good view of her ass, but also so that he could see how toned her legs were.

He noticed that her skirt was exceptionally short and tight today.
Oh Good God. What is she trying to do to me?

“You keep dodging me. You can go out with me for a drink, you know? We are just
friends,
after all.” She was staring up at him with that cute little smile she reserved only for him these days. She made sure Adam knew that she was ignoring her boyfriend when he called her at work these days. The boyfriend was getting frustrated, but she didn’t care, which she let him know that, as well.

Now that she knew that Adam wasn’t talking to his wife at all, she figured that it was the time to solidify their
friendship.

“I know Annie,” he stammered a little.
What the…I never stammer. God, she’s making me nervous.
“It’s just that…I…”

She was enjoying his discomfort. He always walked around with such confidence, but she was actually making him nervous.
This is good. Very, very good.

“I’m still married to Brynn,” he said finally trying to make his voice strong.
What would Brynn say if she knew that I was about to agree to go out for a drink with Annie?
Brynn already disliked her. She met her once at an office Christmas party and she hated the way that Annie fawned all over him. “You better watch out for her,” she had warned him. He told her that she had nothing to worry about, and that Annie was harmless, which was very true at the time. He was beginning to wonder about that now.

He hadn’t had sex for a long time. He couldn’t even remember the last time that he and Brynn had been together. He tried but every time he tried, he got lost in thoughts of Annie and her nice tight ass.
I’m going to Hell, I’m going to Hell, I’m definitely going to Hell.

“I know, silly!” Annie said giggling innocently. “We’re just friends, remember? It’s okay to have one drink.” She hoped that she wasn’t coming across as desperate. But she was desperate. After all, the clock was ticking and she wasn’t getting any younger.
This
could be the guy.

She wanted Adam more than she had ever wanted anything. She knew that he was married, but he wasn’t talking to his wife. It was a minor detail, and Annie knew that once she reeled him in, it would only be a matter of time. He would forget about his wife, and she could end up being his new wife. She had already thought about how beautiful their babies would be. After all, Brynn didn’t deserve him. All she needed to do was to get Brynn out of the way and make him forget her. It was already becoming more of a reality with each passing day.

“Okay, one drink,” Adam relented. He knew that he would. “Just one.”

Annie felt glorious.

They worked out the details and Annie left his office with that little smile on her face. As soon as she crossed the threshold into her own office and closed the door, she allowed her smile to spread across her face as she threw her arms up in the air and celebrated with a happy dance.