Leopard's Kiss (Shadow Guardians) (Shadows Guardians Book 1) (19 page)

By the fireplace.

She spun around toward the south end of the room and hurried around the couch. A massive white leopard was stretched out on his side on the carpet, his ribs moving quickly, as if he were panting. For a moment, she forgot to move, completely stunned by the incredible beauty of the cat. His fur was brilliant white, spotted with black circles, and his body was lean and muscled. She'd never seen her mother shift before, and to see Slade in full leopard form was stunning. Her own leopard rose hard and fast, clawing to be released, but there was nowhere for it to go.

Come around where I can see you.

Anya realized suddenly that Slade hadn't moved. Not even his ear had flicked toward her. Fear returned with a vengeance, and she hurried around him and kneeled by his head. His eyes were staring sightlessly in front of him, not even moving toward her. "Slade." She dug her hand into the thick fur on his neck. "What happened?"

"Paralyzing dart." Killian strode into the living room, his long legs moving with the same grace she was used to seeing from Slade. He hopped over the back of the couch and sat down, leaning forward so his forearms were on his thighs, his hooded gaze studying them both.

"A dart?" She looked back at Slade. "At the warehouse?"

They were waiting for me. They seemed to have been expecting me. If Killian hadn't been there, they'd have me now.

Sweat beaded on Anya's brow and her fingers tightened in his scruff. Slade was the best at being invisible, and yet they'd still almost caught him? "Julia?"

I didn't have a chance.

Anya sat back, fighting off tears. She kept her fingers deep in Slade's fur, gripping the loose skin of his neck. "We're overmatched, aren't we?"

No.
Slade's voice was hard, but still edged with fuzziness from the drug.
We'll handle this. I just need time for the drug to work its way through my system.

"How long is that?"

Not long. I'm working on processing it. Should be soon.
Even as he spoke, his gaze swiveled toward hers, the first movement she'd seen him make. The rest of him, however, was totally frozen, completely vulnerable. Slade, the shadow of the night who no one had been able to stop his whole life, was completely incapacitated on his floor. What were they up against? How could they possibly win? And what did winning even mean? The likelihood of retrieving Julia seemed even more faint now, a wish on a shooting star that would fade and never be realized.

Hey.
Slade interrupted her.

She looked at him. "What?"

Don't give up on me, babe. You need to stay focused.

Her fingers tightened in his fur.
I need you, Slade. Don't die. I can't handle it.
As she said it, a deep fear settled over her, a fear just like the one that had swept over her when she'd approached the warehouse where her mother had just been killed, or that moment when she'd realized that Julia hadn't come back from the store yet. That fear that happened when someone she loved was in danger, and she thought she was going to lose them. The kind of terror that reached deep inside her and twisted her heart until she couldn't breathe. The kind of paralyzing anguish that was so overpowering that her mind seemed to blank out and she couldn't think. The fear that happened only when a piece of her heart was threatened.

Anya.
His voice wrapped around her gently.
Look at me.

She stared down into his ice-blue eyes, her fingers gripping his fur so tightly that her fingers were cramping.
I can't do this without you, Slade. I can't. I lo—
She stopped, cutting herself off before she could finish her sentence. Love? She'd just been about to tell him she loved him? She couldn't. She didn't know him. She didn't want to be vulnerable again. She didn't want any of it.

But even as she thought it, she knew it didn't matter. Slade had reached inside her heart from the beginning, when his kiss had shattered her defenses and pulled her into the torment waging inside his soul. She understood him deeply, both of them growing up on the run, hiding from the darkness hunting them, hiding from who they were. He'd given her comfort. He'd sacrificed what mattered to him to stand by her. He'd made her feel safe, cherished, and brave for the first time in her life, just as she'd made his heart start to beat again. She needed him, and he needed her, and not simply to wage the war they'd been thrust into.

Their connection was so much deeper than that, so much more powerful, and so much more terrifying. She couldn't handle losing someone else she loved. She just couldn't. If she let herself love him, she wouldn't be able to focus long enough to stay alive and find Julia. The fear would debilitate her, just when she couldn't afford it.

Anya.
Slade's eyes glittered as he watched her, awareness returning to his gaze.
You won't have to do it without me. We're on it.

She pushed back from him, needing to put distance between them. "How can we be on it? Julia could be anywhere now.
Anywhere.
"

"Julia?" Killian was watching them closely, and she wondered if he'd been tapped into their conversation. "Who's Julia?"

"My best friend. She was kidnapped by the people at the warehouse a few weeks ago." Anya stood up, ignoring Slade's commands to stay where she was. "We went there to find her, and we didn't." She walked over to the fireplace and perched on the edge of the hearth, hugging herself tightly.

"White leopard?" Killian asked.

Anya hesitated. Did she really trust him? He was Slade's brother, but how had he ended up here? "Who
are
you?" she asked instead.

Killian's eyebrows went up. "Killian Cross. Slade's brother."

"I know, but that doesn't answer my question." She saw the tip of Slade's tail twitch, and her throat tightened. He was going to be okay...this time. It didn't change how dangerous the situation was, but this time, he'd made it. "Slade said you didn't know who he was. How is it that you're here?"

Slade's energy tightened, and she realized he was listening intently to the answer as well. Fear crept down Anya's spine. If Slade didn't know either, why had he brought Killian here, into their one safe place? Had he been fooled by the brother he'd sacrificed everything for? Were they in danger right now, as Slade lay there, paralyzed?

She realized that she was still wearing only Slade's shirt. She had no weapons, no shoes, no way to defend herself or Slade if Killian did anything.
Slade. Do you trust him?

For a long moment, he didn't answer. And when he did, it didn't make her feel any better.
I don't know.

A
nya's fear was an accelerant
, igniting Slade's urgency to regain function of his body. He didn't like being helpless, while Anya sat across from his brother, unprotected. He knew he'd made the right choice, having Killian bring him back to his place. There was no other way he could have made sure Anya was safe. But now that he was here, he had become grimly aware that the brother he'd been so stunned to see was now a stranger who was in his space, too close to the woman under Slade's protection.

He had to step up, and fast. Slade channeled his psychic energy, pouring it into his cells and bloodstream, speeding up his metabolism to try to flush the toxin from his system. His heart was racing, his breathing shallow, his body aching, but he didn't back off, driving energy fiercely into his body.

He fought to lift his head, forcing his frozen muscles to contract. It was agonizing, trying to make his body respond, but slowly, he was able to drag his head several inches to the right, bringing Killian within eyesight.

The moment his gaze settled on Killian, shock hit Slade's system again. He hadn't seen those brown eyes up close in years. He recognized the eyes, the jaw, the nose, the hair...and especially his energy signature. His
brother
was sitting on his couch, completely unfazed by the fact Slade had turned into a white leopard and had a safe house. How was this moment possible?
How do you know me?
He brought Anya into the conversation, connecting all their minds so she would be party to it.

Killian looked down at him, his face a mask that Slade couldn't read. "You tried to wipe my mind."

Tried?
Foreboding trickled down Slade's spine.
What do you remember?
Urgency pulsed at him, and he sent more psychic energy through him. His hind legs began to tingle, as if a thousand sharp needles had been jammed into his flesh, and he knew he was starting to succeed.

"Everything." Killian leaned forward. "I remember our parents. I remember being with you when Dad was killed. I remember you leaving me at that church. I remember the times you spoke to me since...and I remember how you vanished each time."

More shock rippled through Slade.
You were a year old when I left you at the church.
It had never occurred to him to wipe Killian's mind at that point. It was impossible that he would remember. And yet...he was claiming to.

Slade's front legs began to tingle as his nerves began to function. He embraced the pain, using it to fuel his urgency. Being unable to do anything other than stretch out on his side like a dozing housecat was torturous when there was so much at stake. He'd never felt helpless in his life, and it violated every precept his life was based upon.

Killian leaned forward, watching him intently, as if he were tracking Slade's reclamation of his body as carefully as Slade was...waiting...for what? Alarm prickled through him.
Anya. I don't know if I can trust him.

She rose to her feet slowly, her gaze fixated on Killian.

"I didn't remember any of it until the first time you made contact with me," Killian said, still watching him. "Do you remember? I was fourteen, and I'd just won my first football game as a starting quarterback for the varsity squad."

How the hell did Killian remember that? Slade had wiped his mind carefully, leaving no memory untouched.
I remember.
He'd had to talk to Killian that day, just to see the pride in his kid brother's face, to be able to prove to himself that he'd done the right thing by walking away from him so long ago.

"When you were talking to me, I felt like I'd seen you before," Killian said. "I felt like I
knew
you. I had these flashes in my mind of our life. Mom and Dad. My sister. Blood. Screams. You. It didn't make any sense, and as soon as you walked away, everything became fuzzy. You were drifting at the edges of my mind, almost in reach, but not quite. I knew something had happened that day, but I couldn't remember."

Slade moved his right front leg, sliding it across the carpet. The pain was extraordinary, the cost of his body reclaiming itself, but it was triumphant pain, the pain of victory.
So, how did you remember?

"I started doing research on memories. I learned about psychic control of minds, and I was pretty sure you'd done it. I researched how to recover memories, and how to protect against mind control. The next time you made contact, five years ago, I was ready. I felt you try to shield my mind, and I protected myself. This time, when you walked away, I remembered everything." Killian's eyes gleamed brightly. "I remembered everything you'd stolen from me, Slade."

Slade swore.
I didn't steal it. I was trying to protect you.
He was able to move his right back leg, flexing it as he pulled it under him.

"From what? Who I am? From knowing that some bastard out there had killed my family?" His eyes glittered. "I remembered everything that time, but before I could say anything, you vanished, just like before. I've been searching for you ever since. Some nights, I could sense you, and I knew you'd been near, but you were always gone before I could find you." He met Slade's gaze. "You're invisible. You literally don't exist."

I exist.
He summoned his strength and rolled onto his belly, his muscles shaking with the effort of holding himself up.

Killian leaned forward, tension radiating from him. "Do you know what it's like to be ripped from your life, and left with nothing but fragmented memories, and a brother who abandoned you?"

"He didn't abandon you," Anya snapped, interrupting.

Slade swore when Killian's gaze snapped to Anya.
Back off, Anya. I don't want him focused on you.

She ignored him. "He was trying to save your life."

Killian's eyes narrowed. "What do you know about that?"

"My family was murdered, too. My mother tried to protect me from her enemies, and Slade was doing the same thing. He was
nine
when he left you there. You really think he could have taken care of you? He was a nine-year-old orphan whose family had been murdered."

Anya! Don't.

She stepped over Slade, moving closer to Killian, her eyes flashing with fury. "You were all he had left," she snapped. "You were the only good thing in his life, the only living creature he ever let himself care about. It broke his heart every damned second to not have you in his life, but he did it to protect you, because he didn't want to watch you die because he'd been too selfish to leave you alone."

Slade watched her in shock, stunned by her defense of him. He didn't need anyone to defend him, and he sure as hell didn't want her drawing the attention of his brother, but at the same time... He liked it. No, he didn't like it. He
loved
having her defend him. He was an assassin whose moral code was his only source of pride, and yet Anya was standing up for him as if she saw something else in him, something more, something deeper.

She jabbed her finger in Killian's chest. "Love is all that matters in this life, but it takes different forms. Be grateful that there's someone on this earth who loves you enough to sacrifice his own soul to save you, because in one second, you can lose all of that and realize you're truly alone and everyone you love is gone!"

Slade swore, fighting even harder to regain control of his body. He had to stop her from antagonizing Killian, and he had to be able to defend her.

Killian's eyes widened, his face a dangerous mask. "Don't talk to me about—"

With a roar of fury, Slade shifted. His bones screamed in pain as he reclaimed his human form, and Anya whirled around. "Slade!"

He landed on his hands and knees, then lurched to his feet, staggering as he tried to stay upright. Anya raced over to him and caught his arm as he swayed, sliding her arm around his waist. He locked his arm around her shoulders, dragging her against him as he fought to maintain his balance. His muscles were still weak, barely able to function, but he stood strong, doing his best to hide his weakness. "Don't speak to her like that," he said softly, unable to keep the growl out of his voice. "She's under my protection."

Killian's gaze went back and forth between them, his eyes narrowing. "This is who you declare yourself to? Her? Not your own brother?"

Slade felt Anya stiffen beside him, and he squeezed her. Energy flared inside him, instinctively preparing to lash out at his brother and destroy all memories of his past, to do what it took to change it. He couldn't afford for the shit to go south. Killian stood quickly, his eyes darkening, as if he knew what Slade had intended. Killian might have figured out how to protect against a standard memory wipe, but Slade had weapons that no one could defend against. He looked his brother in the eyes, and knew that this was the last time Killian would ever remember him, and it was the last time he'd ever speak to him again. "I love you," he said quietly, as he prepared to strike. "I'm sorry."

Killian's eyes widened. "Don't—"

"Stop!" Anya jumped between them, holding up her hands.

Slade swore and aborted, knowing that she was in his line of attack. "Anya—"

"Listen to me!" She whirled toward Slade. "Don't do what you always do. This is your chance. You miss him. You know you do."

"I can't." He kept his attention on Killian, even as he reached for Anya to pull her out of the way. "I won't let him be killed. He can't be involved in this, or my life, or his own history."

"Death isn't always the worst thing that can happen!" she snapped.

He glanced at her, his heart turning over when he saw the tears glistening in her eyes. "Really? Would you have been willing to give up a relationship with your mother if it would have kept her alive? If you could have spared her the pain of being murdered, would you have done whatever it took?" He hated to bring it up, but he
needed
her to understand. Anya was his link to the humanity he'd abandoned so long ago. She was his anchor in a world where nothing mattered anymore.

Tears streamed down her cheeks, and to his surprise, she shook her head. "No," she whispered.

"No?" He didn't understand. "You'd let her suffer so you could have time with her?"

"No." Anya raised her chin. "But I would never have missed out on my time with her in hopes that maybe we could have lived longer separately. I'd rather live a shorter time and live it fully, than live an eternity in a vast wasteland of emptiness."

Slade's gut twisted at her words. Silently, he looked toward his brother, standing there, looking so familiar, and yet also like a complete stranger. "Is that your life?" he asked Killian. "A vast wasteland of emptiness?" He felt like a great darkness was crushing down on him. Had he fucked up so badly? Had he destroyed his brother's life when he'd tried to save it?

For a long moment, Killian didn't respond, and Slade felt something inside him begin to die. His legs buckled, and he went down on his knees, suddenly unable to breathe. He braced his hands on the carpet, fighting for oxygen. Jesus. Had it all been a lie, that he'd done the right thing for his brother?

Anya knelt beside him, her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean it like that." Tears were still streaming down her cheeks. "I just loved my mom and my family so much I can't imagine life without them. That doesn't mean you have to make the same choice."

He touched her cheek, wiping the tears away. His chest hurt. His lungs hurt. Everything hurt. He didn't know this kind of pain existed, the kind that had nothing to do with the body and everything to do with the soul. He'd worked so hard not to feel, and suddenly, all the precisely ordered rules of his life were cracking, tearing apart the foundation of what defined him.

Killian suddenly crouched in front of him, his muddy boots leaving marks on Slade's pristine, un-lived-in carpet.

Keeping Anya's fingers in his hand, Slade raised his head to look at his brother. For the first time in his life, he didn't see the baby he'd tried to protect. He saw a man, heavily muscled, dangerous, and deadly. "I'm sorry," Slade said. He didn't even know what he was sorry for. Leaving Killian behind? Wiping his memory? Letting him figure out the truth? "I tried to do what was right. If I fucked it up, I'm sorry."

Killian's face was impassive, his voice low as he spoke. "I have two families," he said. "The one I was born to, and the one that raised me. All of them, good people. The only void in my life was the fact I didn't get to know my brother. The rest of my life..." He shrugged. "It's been good, Slade. Real good."

He searched Killian's face. "It has?"

"Yeah."

Slade's muscles began to shake, and he bowed his head, fighting against emotions he had no idea how to cope with. Anya slipped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her. He buried his face in her hair and held her, drinking in the familiar comfort of her body. He was so close to a precipice he didn't have the tools to navigate. Every instinct told him to change paths, to abort, to go back to the world he knew...but there was another part of him, a budding, tiny whisper, that burned not to run away and revert to his life.

Keeping his grip tight on Anya, he raised his head to look at his brother. Killian's eyes were dark, fixated on him. "I'm an assassin," Slade said. "I have more enemies than our parents ever did. I live a life in the shadows, because if I ever care about anyone, they will be a target as well. Anyone who's in my life might die because of who I am." His arms tightened around Anya as he said it. "It's safest for you to never be associated with me. Plus, the bastards at the warehouse know who I am, so if you're known as a Cross, you're going to pick up those enemies as well. If you stay Killian Cross, you'll be in danger every minute of every day. If you go back to your life, it's over. You're safe."

Killian's brows went up, but he said nothing, waiting for Slade to finish.

Slade took a deep breath. "I'll let you choose," he said, the words sticking in his throat. He didn't want to let Killian choose. He wanted to make the choice for him, to wipe his mind and thrust him back into the safe world he'd grown up in, where his biggest heartache would be a fight with his wife or his kids, but looking into Killian's eyes, he couldn't make the choice for him. Not after what Anya had said. "If you become Killian Cross, then everyone you love will be in danger as well. Everyone who your enemies
think
you love will be in danger. You can't protect them." He met his brother's steel gaze. "I'll take it all away," he said. "I can make you forget. I can give you back your life. But..." He stumbled, barely able to say the words. "If you want to live this life, I won't stop you."