Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada (4 page)

You? Approaching the change?

ADA:

Yes.

CISSIE:

From which direction?

ADA:

What do you mean?

CISSIE:

Well I thought your battery would have run out years ago.

ADA:

Oh no. No, my family has always retained its fertility a lot longer than most. Yes, we've always been very fertile, our Bertha fell pregnant when she was fifty-nine and she swears she only walked past a sausage factory. Anyway to be on the safe side I thought it would be best if the doctor gave me a check-up, what with Bert re-discovering his sex drive.

CISSIE:

So Bert's re-discovered his sex drive has he?

ADA:

I've a job to keep up with him if the truth be told Cissie. We'd have gone right through the bedroom wall last night if I hadn't taken the castors off the bed. He was like an animal.

CISSIE:

I wonder what's brought that on?

ADA:

Well I did mention it to the doctor the last time I was here and he seems to think that it's the side effects from the hormones in the pills he gave Bert for his gout.

CISSIE:

So it appears that as long as Bert is taking those pills for his gout he'll carry on the same way then?

ADA:

It looks like it, yes.

CISSIE:

Oh you poor dear. And what are you doing about it.

ADA:

Stamping on his foot.

CISSIE:

Well let's just hope you don't fall pregnant again my girl, you won't be wanting another at your age.

ADA:

Oh God forbid, Cissie. I mean I went though agony with my last, our Ernest, through agony Cissie. You want to see my stretch marks, when I'm stripped off I look like fourteen stones of Danish blue. I carried him for eleven months you know.

CISSIE:

Well there is one thing to be said in favour of carrying over your time, you do tend to give birth more quickly.

ADA:

I didn't, I was in labour longer than Atlee. And I didn't have a normal birth when it finally came, either.

CISSIE:

You didn't have a Caesarean did you?

ADA:

No but I was once very friendly with a Spaniard. Pedro.

CISSIE:

So it sounds like you had complications giving birth to your Ernest?

ADA:

I'll say. One of them was that they put me in the wrong ward when I got there, they put me in the ward where they treated disorders of the bowels.

CISSIE:

Well I assume you soon told them that you should have been in the maternity ward.

ADA:

Yes but not before they'd given me an enema.

CISSIE:

So when did you go?

ADA:

About two minutes after they'd given it me, and I only just made it to the lavvy in time, thank God there wasn't a queue.

CISSIE:

I mean when did you go to the
maternity
ward?

ADA:

The following day. That was worse if anything. I can't begin to tell you what I went through in that maternity ward Cissie, terrible it was, I had more gas and air than a barrage balloon. And the midwife was hopeless, I was in labour for thirty six hours before she realised I still had my tights on.

CISSIE:

Oh you poor dear.

ADA:

Then finally my water broke. One of the nurses said she hadn't seen anything like it since she saw 'The Dam Busters' at the pictures.

CISSIE:

Still it was all worth it wasn't it, because when it was finally all over you had a lovely baby boy to show for it.

ADA:

Ten pounds, four ounces and five stitches. I'm very small made you know.

CISSIE:

Me too, I had six with my youngest. Then I suppose Bert came to visit you?

ADA:

Yes. When he held the baby he said it had a cleft chin.

CISSIE:

Your Ernest hasn't got a cleft chin.

ADA:

I know, Bert had him upside down.

CISSIE:

The wastrel would be drunk I suppose, from wetting the baby's head.

ADA:

No, when he came he didn't even know I'd had a baby.

CISSIE:

It would be quite a surprise for him then.

ADA:

It was, he thought I'd only gone in hospital to have my appendicts out.

***************

PRISON VISITORS

CISSIE AND ADA ARE IN A BARE ANTE-ROOM WAITING TO VISIT ADA'S HUSBAND BERT, WHO IS IN PRISON. CISSIE TAKES IN HER SURROUNDINGS AND SNIFFS WITH DISAPPROVAL.

CISSIE:

So this is what the inside of a prison looks like, only I've always wondered.

ADA:

Well thanks to my Bert you know now.

CISSIE:

Strangeways.

ADA:

Yes Bert has very strange ways, you won't believe some of the things he's tried to make me do in that bed, Cissie.

CISSIE:

Utterly depressing in here isn't it. However four walls do not a prison make.

ADA:

They made a prison for me when the knob came off our lavatory door. I shouted myself hoarse. You should have seen my tonsils, they looked like I'd been gargling with the Harpic. By the way Cissie, thanks for coming with me, to visit Bert.

CISSIE:

Against my better judgement I can assure you, my lady. I shudder to think what my Leonard would think if he knew where I was. He thinks I've gone to Debenhams pricing something for the bathroom. I'm toying with the idea of a bidet.

ADA:

Perhaps Bert will let you use his bucket.

CISSIE:

Tell me, how is the reprobate coping with being incarcerated?

ADA:

Well you can hardly tell except for a slight limp.

CISSIE:

I hope he isn't getting too depressed.

ADA:

No I think he's quite taken to it actually. I believe he's very friendly with the Prison Governor.

CISSIE:

What gives you that idea?

ADA:

Well they've given him his own cell, in solitary.

CISSIE:

They've put him in solitary because he's been misbehaving himself, you fool! They'll have put him on bread and water.

ADA:

It'll be a home from home for him then.

CISSIE:

Well at least when you see him you'll be able to bring him succour.

ADA:

Yes I've bought him a bag of
Mint Imperials.
And some stomach medicine, I thought I'd better.

CISSIE:

Stomach medicine?

ADA:

Yes, when he wrote to me he said he was having a lot of trouble with the screws. And he asked me to bring him a cake with a hacksaw in it as well.

CISSIE:

Ada you haven't....!

ADA:

Yes, I bought this. (SHE DIPS IN HER SHOPPING BAG AND PRODUCES A FOOT LONG SPONGE CAKE WITH A HACKSAW HANDLE STICKING OUT OF ONE END)

CISSIE:

Well I can't see you getting that past the guards, it's quite obvious what it is!

ADA:

Yes you're right, and it would be a shame to let them abdicate it, wouldn't it. (SHE BREAKS OFF A PIECE OF THE CAKE AND HANDS IT TO CISSIE) Here, try a piece, it's Mary Baker Vienna sponge with three eggs in it.

CISSIE:(TAKES A BITE)

Hmm, very tasty. Tell me Ada, you never gave me the whole story, just how did Bert manage to land himself in this fix?

ADA:

Pure bad luck, Cissie. I mean I know Bert's a bit of a tearaway but he's mostly managed to keep himself on the right side of the law. What happened was just a momentary lapse.

CISSIE:

Why what did he do?

ADA:

Stole seventeen cars. He was picked out in an identity parade. I think the starting handle gave him away.

CISSIE:

Ada in no way can stealing seventeen cars be described as a momentary lapse. But tell me about the details of the court case, judicial proceedings have always been an interest of mine what with Leonard being a J.P.

ADA:

Oh really?

CISSIE:

Oh yes, we never miss Crown Court on the telly. And we're both aficionados of Rumpole of course.

ADA:

I know, I've heard your bedsprings going.

CISSIE:

I assume that before Bert appeared he asked for legal aid?

ADA:

No he had a pint of lager. He said he needed it before he faced the judge. But you should have seen him in that dock, Cissie. He was magnificent. He stood there, gripping the mahogany rail, drew himself up to his full height and positively thundered at the judge: 'I am innocent m'lud, and furthermore I do not recognise this court'. The judge said: 'Why not?' Bert said: 'You've had it decorated since I was last here'.

CISSIE:

I bet that caused some amusement in the Assizes. I say I bet a titter ran round the court when he said that.

ADA:

No, there wasn't anyone from the corset shop in sight.

CISSIE:

So what happened then?

ADA:

Well Bert restated his innocence and asked for twelve other cases to be taken into consideration. Then he made an impassioned plea for clemency and the judge gave him six months. Bert was ever so grateful. He went down on his bended knees and said: 'Thank you Your Worship, bless you for being so lenient with me'. And the judge said: 'Not at all, if you'd kept your trap shut I was going to let you off'.

***************

AT THE SEASIDE

THE BEACH. CISSIE AND ADA ARE RELAXING IN DECKCHAIRS, SHOES OFF, DRESSES TUCKED INTO THEIR KNICKERS. CISSIE IS RUBBING IN SUN OIL.

CISSIE:

A good idea of yours this, Ada, a week at the seaside away from our menfolk. It'll be a nice break for us. I mean we've only been here a couple of hours and already I'm in the mood to let myself go.

ADA:

Yes I think I shall have to loosen my corsets, too.

CISSIE:

(NOTICES SOMETHING NEARBY) Oh look, Ada, there's the donkeys see.

ADA:

Hey, shall we have a go on one, Cissie?

CISSIE:

No we shall not have a go on one! Perish the thought. I remember the last time you went on a donkey. You rode it right into the sea!

ADA:

I took a sudden fancy to a paddle.

CISSIE:

On a donkey?

ADA:

Well I thought it would be all right with it being called Nelson.

CISSIE:

Well it wasn't all right was it. When the tide came in and trapped you on that sandbank. I could have died when you took your knickers and started waving them about.

ADA:

Well I wanted to attract somebody's attention.

CISSIE:

Well you certainly did that. Especially when the breeze got up.

ADA:

What? You don't mean....? God love us, Cissie, you couldn't see my.....could you?

CISSIE:

Well of course you could you fool, why do you think all those men were cheering?

ADA:

Fancy. (SMILES) Men cheering at me. (SHE GETS UP)

CISSIE:

Where are you going?

ADA:

For another donkey ride.

CISSIE:

Oh no you are not lady, sit down!

ADA:

Well perhaps I better hadn't, because I'm trying to forget all about Bert and donkey's always remind me of him.

CISSIE:

They remind you of Bert?

ADA:

When he's going to work.

CISSIE:

Oh, you mean the slow reluctant plod with the head hanging down.

ADA:

No I mean he walks for fifty yards then turns back.

CISSIE:

Incidentally, how will he manage on his own, your Bert? I mean he can't cook can he.

ADA:

The world’s worst. He could burn water. So I've left him a big pan of ash with two big tins of Fray Bentos corned beef in it. He'll eat that. Well he will once he realises there's nothing else for him. And if he doesn't like it he can lump it. Or he can eat some of the vegetables he's growing in the back garden.