Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada (5 page)

CISSIE:

I didn't realise Bert had started growing vegetables?

ADA:

Oh yes, he's grown some lovely tomatoes.

CISSIE:

Does he have growbags?

ADA:

Only since his hernia. Well you need something roomy when you're wearing a truss.

CISSIE:

There's one thing for certain, my Leonard will be well catered for while he's on his own.

ADA:

Oh?

CISSIE:

No matter what his gastronomic desires, we have it in the freezer.

ADA:

Well whatever turns you on, but don't the baskets leave marks on your bottom?

CISSIE:

Ada you really are coarse. You've got a mind like a cess-pool, you really have.

ADA:

Well I can't help it if you're narrow-minded.

CISSIE:

Me? Narrow-minded?

ADA:

Well you are. You always have been, you've put up with chicken drumsticks for years because you don't like asking for breast. You've always been the same, ever since.....(SHE SEES SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE)...ooooh!

CISSIE:

What's the matter?

ADA:

(POINTS) That girl there! Naked as the day she was born. Look at her prancing about, the young hussy!

CISSIE:

Now
who's being narrow-minded.

ADA:

Well there's a time and a place for everything.

CISSIE:

But this is the time and the place Ada, they allow nude sunbathing on this beach, didn't you know?

ADA:

Never!

CISSIE:

Oh yes, they're quite permissive here now. Two years ago you had to wear a bikini at the very least. Last year you could go topless. And this year you're allowed to be totally naked.

ADA GETS UP AND STARTS PACKING UP.

CISSIE:

What are you doing?

ADA:

I'm clearing off before they make it compulsory.

***************

AWAY DAY

A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. CISSIE IS SEATED, READING A WOMENS’ MAGAZINE. ADA COMES DOWN THE GANGWAY CARRYING PACKETS OF SANDWICHES AND CARTONS OF COFFEE. SHE SITS DOWN NEXT TO CISSIE.

CISSIE:

You took your time, what kept you?

ADA:

I bumped into May Scattergood and her fancy man.

CISSIE:

Yes well that one's only as good as she should be.

ADA:

Just.

CISSIE:

So they're on an away day to London too, are they?

ADA:

More like an have it away day if I know her. The brazen hussy.

CISSIE:

Yes, and her husband dead for less than a month.

ADA: I went to the funeral. She couldn't get him in the ground fast enough. It's the first time I've ever seen a coffin arrive in an E-type Jaguar. (HANDS CISSIE A PACKET OF SANDWICHES) Here you are, there was a queue at the buffet and they'd nearly run out of everything so I couldn't get you what you asked for.

CISSIE:

Did you take pot luck?

ADA:

No it was engaged, there was a queue for that as well.

CISSIE:

And they say this is the age of the train.

ADA:

This one must be about ninety three.

CISSIE:

That Jimmy Savile has a lot to answer for, hasn't he. What's that thing he said on that TV commercial - 'Let the train take the strain'?

ADA:

It's not the only thing that's taking the strain, these new corsets I got from Madame Hetty's are killing me. I think I'll take them off in the superloo before we go to the theatre.

CISSIE:

Ah, the theatre! I'm really looking forward to tonight.

ADA:

Me too. It'll bring back memories, because I was an actress myself once.

CISSIE:

You?

ADA:

Oh yes, when I was a girl, I was with the Collyhurst Strolling Players.

CISSIE:

I didn't know you'd had experience on the boards.

ADA:

Yes but only once because I got splinters in my bottom and Bert complained it made his knees sore.

CISSIE:

(REMEMBERS) That's if we can get tickets for the theatre! I mean thanks to you we haven't got any, have we. I don't know why I ever agreed to let you send off for them after what happened the last time.

ADA:

What do you mean?

CISSIE:

When you sent off for tickets for Les Miserables and we ended up with two seats for the Festival of Erotica.

ADA:

Well I thought it would be like the Festival of Britain. You know, with a Dome of Discovery.

CISSIE:

Well I discovered a few things I can tell you!

ADA:

And me. I'd never seen an ostrich in black leather before.

CISSIE:

Then against my better judgement I agreed to let you send off for tickets again. I still don't believe what you did. I mean you actually had the tickets in your hands, Ada. Two tickets for my favourite musical, The Sound of Music. Two of the very best seats in the orchestra stalls. And you sent them back with a note saying 'If I'm paying ten pounds for a ticket I'm damned if I'm sitting with the band'.

ADA:

Anybody can make a mistake, Cissie.

CISSIE:

So now we shall have to try to get tickets for something else, because that's fully booked. I wouldn't mind seeing Cats myself, what do you think?

ADA:

No thank you, I see enough of cats at home. I could choke that one next door. You want to see the way it's affected the soil in Bert's potato patch. It's took all the chrome off his fork.

CISSIE:

Are you sure it isn't that new kitten of yours that's to blame?

ADA:

No, our kitten's no trouble at all now it's stopped leaving messages on the lino.

CISSIE:

Did you have it spayed?

ADA:

No Bert used a shovel.

CISSIE:

You see you wouldn't have any trouble with cats if you kept a dog like Leonard and I.

ADA:

Oh yes, you've got a pooch now haven't you.

CISSIE:

Prince is hardly a pooch, Ada. He's a pedigree Afghan hound. Actually we've got big hopes for Prince, there's already some other Afghan owners have requested his services as a stud.

ADA:

Fancy.

CISSIE:

And Leonard and I are thinking of showing him.

ADA:

Why, doesn't it know how to? I'll stand by with a bucket of water.

CISSIE:

Really Ada, you are the limit! You've got sex on the brain.

ADA:

Oh I wouldn't say that.

CISSIE:

Well I would! You think of nothing else. I remember when you filled in your passport application form. Against 'Sex' you put 'Once a night and twice on Sundays'.

ADA:

Well I didn't want to show off.

CISSIE:

I don't know why I associate with you, I really don't, much less accompany you to the London theatre. Particularly after that episode when we went to the ballet at Sadler's Wells.

ADA:

Oh it was beautiful, Swan Lake, wasn't it.

CISSIE:

Well I don't know how you'd know that I'm sure, you spent the entire evening gazing at the bulge in the leading man's tights.

ADA:

Well you must admit it was pretty impressive Cissie, I mean he was a big lad.

CISSIE:

For your information Ada what you were so enthralled by was his codpiece.

ADA:

His what?

CISSIE:

It was his codpiece.

ADA:

Well if it was it was the biggest fish finger I've ever clapped eyes on.

****

If you enjoyed reading Les Dawson’s Cissie & Ada would you mind doing me a favour? If you are a member of facebook, recommend it to your facebook friends, if you have a Twitter account, tweet your opinion of it, or if you have neither simply tell anyone in your email address book who you think might like it. Failing that your next door neighbour will do.

Thanks for this

Terry Ravenscroft.

****

Also by Terry Ravenscroft and available on Amazon Kindle

ZEPHYR ZODIAC

Dolly was rinsing the tea cups in the sink when Don came in, quite agitated.

“
There’s a young couple sat in our car, Doll!”

“
A young couple?”

“
Teenagers by the look of them. Sitting there as large as life.”

“
In our car? Are you sure, Don?”

“
Come and have a look if you don’t believe me.”

Don took Dolly’s hand and led her to the front door. When they looked, the young couple were still in the car. Dolly took in the scene and turned to Don.

“
What do you think they’re doing there?”

“
I’ve no idea.”

“
They look very young.”

“
Not to mention scruffy. I sincerely hope they don’t soil the leopard skin seats.”

“
Perhaps they’ll go if we just ignore them.”

“
They look pretty settled to me. Oh no! Well if that isn’t the limit.”

“
What’s the matter?”

“
He’s lit up a cigarette.”

“
We can’t allow that Don, smoking in our car.”

“
We most certainly can not, Doll.”

“
That won’t do the leopard skin seats any good at all. I mean sitting in our car is one thing, but....”

They made their way down the drive and stopped at the car. The occupants were oblivious to them. Don tapped on the window, businesslike. The boy would down the window.

“
Excuse me but just what do you think you’re doing in our motor car?” said Don.

“
We’re living in it.”

Zephyr Zodiac will be published early in 2012.

****

I’M IN HEAVEN

I pinched myself. I felt it. So it couldn’t be a dream. But if it wasn’t, if I really was in Piccadilly Gardens, how have I got here? I couldn’t have sleepwalked all the way from the hospital, it was over two miles, through city streets. Had leaving patients in corridors due to a bed shortage moved up a level? Had one of the nursing staff dumped me here until I wake up? I wouldn’t put it past them - only yesterday a down-and-out who’d collapsed in the street had been left outside in a wheelchair for want of a bed and only prompt action by a security man had stopped the bin men taking him.

Before I could think of another test of my consciousness - I was still far from convinced, despite pinching myself, that I wasn’t dreaming - a tall man carrying a brief-case and a clipboard approached me. He was aged about thirty-five and dressed in casual but expensive-looking clothes. His long, thin, pleasant -looking face smiled down at me as he indicated the place on the bench beside me.

“
Mind if I join you?”

I was still too wrapped up in wondering just what on earth was going on to answer. He sat down next to me nevertheless.

“
Allow me to introduce myself,” he said. “I’m The Archangel Phil. Your mentor. I’ll be meeting with you from time to time until you’re nicely settled in.” He opened a packet of cigarettes and offered me one. “I believe you indulge in these things?”

My mouth fell open. Slack-jawed I looked from the man to the cigarette packet and back. He indicated the clipboard. “My information is correct? You do like a smoke?” He took a cigarette from the packet and pushed it into my hand.

My mouth opened and shut silently a couple of times. Words eventually came out. “Can you tell me what’s going on here? I mean why am I in the middle of Piccadilly Gardens?”

“
You aren’t. You’re in heaven.”

“
What?”

“
Heaven.”

Amazon Readers Review -

This is the best book I have read in years! The subject matter is dealt with in such a humorous manner but this is a real page turner! I have read all of Mr Ravenscroft’s books and in my opinion this is THE BEST! Hilarious, sad, fascinating and a scintillating plot to boot! A must read! Very funny.
- Martin K Davies