Let It Snow (60 page)

"I expect you to call tomorrow with a full report on the evening's shenanigans."

"Of course you do. I'll call, and I may take pity on your poor sorry ass and provide you with a vignette of the evening, but don't count on it. Part of my decision may depend on how much more complaining you do between now and when I get you tucked into bed."

Finn smiled wide as he opened the door to Mac. Welcome back. It's been a pretty lonely day. How was Gounod when you got home?"

"Oh My God! You'd think I'd taken the vacuum to him followed by a thorough dunking in ice-water. He yelled at me for hours. Hours. I shit you not. Even after I gave in and opened a tin of tuna, he continued to tell me off. Who knew a cat could yell with his mouth full?"

"Poor kitty."

"Poor kitty? I'm surprised my ears aren't bleeding."

"Would a kiss help."

"It couldn't hurt."

Finn wrapped his arms around Mac and lifted her from the floor before he caressed her lips with his own. "Better?"

"Not sure. Maybe you should do that again."

He did, and her moan was all the encouragement he needed. He deepened the kiss and in one smooth motion, he had her in his arms, bridal fashion. He carried her to the sofa and sat with her in his lap. He slowly broke the kiss and looked into Mac's eyes. "Better now?"

Mac sighed. "Definitely."

"Good. Are you hungry?"

"I could eat."

"Sully said you like lasagne. I made it myself. No oven-ready abominations from the supermarket for me."

"I love lasagne. And home-made? That's a real treat."

"What I want to do, is sit here and kiss you silly, but it might be better to do that without the risk of being interrupted by growling bellies. Up you get." Finn released his grip, and Mac slid off his lap and started towards the kitchen.

"Oh no you don't. Dining room, you."

"You don't want any help?"

"Not this time. For now, just let me dote on you."

"I'm not comfortable with being doted on. I've been taking care of myself for a long time."

"We'll work on that. Off with you. I'll be through in a minute."

***

Mac laid her knife and fork on her empty plate and groaned. "That was fabulous. I really shouldn't have eaten that much, but I can't remember the last time I had truly home-made lasagne. And no, restaurant lasagne doesn't qualify, no matter how authentic the claim."

"Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I do love a woman that eats."

"I like food too much to be one of those women who orders a salad and only eats half a cherry tomato and a lettuce leaf for fear she'll get fat and no man will want her. Fuck that for a lark. Either you like me for who I am, or move on."

"I like you very much for who you are."

Mac blushed. "Aw crap, I wasn't fishing, you know."

"I know. Just putting it out there so you don't need to wonder."

"Well, so you don't need to wonder either, I like you for who you are too."

Finn smiled wide. "Ready for our movie?"

"Nope, we have a table to clear and a kitchen to clean first."

"What if I told you I'd take care of it later?"

"I'd tell you we should both deal with it now. It will take less time, be easier to clean, and it won't be lurking, waiting to pounce when you'd rather be doing something else."

"You're right, but I told you I would be doting on you."

"You can resume your dotage after."

"Alright, let's get this done, so we can snuggle and watch a film."

"What if we were to skip the film and just snuggle?"

"I'd be good with that. I'm curious about why, though."

"I need this to be real, and if we watch a film, it's too easy for me to check out."

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Not really, but I want to try. It wouldn't really be any different than last night, except we'd both be awake."

"Let's get a move on."

***

"How're you doing, Mac?"

They'd been cuddling in silence on the sofa for a good half hour before Finn spoke up.

"Okay, I think. It's scary, but not. The idea of it is scary, but it feels way more good than it does scary." Mac wasn't ready to admit out loud that the good was feeling safe and content in Finn's arms. Out loud made it real, and this was all way too new for her to let it be real yet.

"That's what I like to hear. Are you up for a little exploring?"

"Depends. What kind of exploring?"

"Mostly talking, but there'll be a little touching. Your safewords are still in play and work for everything. Okay?"

Butterflies attacked her stomach with a vengeance and she had to concentrate on not letting them take over. "I think so. What kind of talking, and what kind of touching?"

"I want to talk to you about boundaries, limits, wants, and needs. As for touching, I can't touch you anywhere or in any way that is sexual, but you can touch me anywhere and any way you want, and I'll keep my hands at my sides."

"I don't know..."

"About what? The talking, the touching, or both?"

"The touching part mostly, but I'm kind of nervous about the talking part too."

"Like I said, safewords apply. You've used them and they've worked so far, but it's up to you."

"I think I might be okay with the talking part."

"What are your safewords?"

"Yellow for I need something to change, or I need a minute, and red to bail."

"Good. It's no secret that you are submissive and I know there was a time when you physically participated in BDSM activities. If you felt safe, and had the opportunity, do you think you would like to dip your toe back in the BDSM pond?"

Mac took her time gathering her thoughts. This had to be one of the last questions she expected to be asked, but strangely, one that had been at the front of her mind for quite some time. "Yeah, I think so."

"Brave girl. The next question is a follow up on the last. What do you think would make you feel safe enough to try?"

In theory, this was easy. In practice, Mac wasn't so sure. "Sully would have to be there, no nudity, and no restraints."

Finn gave a slight chuckle. "You've given this a little thought."

"Yeah. Truth is, I still want it, but it scares me, so I've been living vicariously through Sully and the internet."

"Not very rewarding, is it?"

Mac shook her head. "No. Sully's been telling me for years that I've been letting the bastard win by letting his actions impose limits on my life. I know he's right, but it's only recently I've felt ready to try."

"Bonus question. Do you think you'd feel safe enough to try with me?"

"Maybe. When do I get to ask a question?"

"Okay, it's your turn to ask questions."

Mac's head was full of them, and almost every one pertained to her fear of not being enough, in some capacity or another. "Would you walk away from me if it turns out I can't play?"

"Remember earlier, we were talking about accepting people for who they are? Well, this is part of it. I want to exchange check-lists later, and when we do, I'm sure there will be things that are a hard limit for you that I enjoy. I'm also sure, there are going to be lots of things on that check-list that we both enjoy. I'm not willing to throw away an otherwise great relationship because of a few incompatibilities. I wouldn't worry about not being able to play. You may never be able to play in the way you used to, but there are plenty of ways to play."

"What if I can never have sex again?"

"Honey, let's not borrow trouble. Yes, you've got some issues that are complicating to a relationship. But I'm willing to put in whatever work is necessary to give you and me a real shot. It won't be easy, but I need to know you aren't going to run away when things get tough too."

"It's scary."

"I know, but sometimes the worthwhile things are. So, wanna go steady?"

Mac shot him a cheeky grin. "Do I get to wear your class ring?"

"Something like that."

There was something in the way he said it that made Mac suspect he was talking about a collar, so she decided to press. "Care to elaborate?"

"You'll get it when your ready for it."

Mac felt almost certain Finn meant a collar, and the idea excited her. "Okay, I'll go steady with you."

"You know that means kissing."

"I should hope so."

"I want to try something. This is a great position for snuggling, but for kissing? Not so much. Could you try lying on top of me?"

"Okay."

They shifted so Finn was lying on his back on the sofa with Mac on top, enfolded in Finn's arms. Before she'd even realised she was hyper-ventilating, Finn had shifted them to their sides with him positioned against the back of the sofa, leaving Mac an unobstructed escape route.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Mac buried her head beneath her arm as mortification branded her cheeks. She couldn't even lay on top of a guy without losing it. What kind of future could they possibly have?

"Hey, it's okay." Finn stroked up and down her arm. "You gave it a try. That's the worst part, you know. That first time you try something that scares you witless. You're dealing with some big shit. I know it's going to get in the way more often than not, and we'll deal with it all as it comes. Can you look at me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too embarrassed."

"I don't know what you've got to be embarrassed about. I asked you to try something, and you did exactly what I asked. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. When a sub safewords after trying something, but it's too much, do you think that sub should feel embarrassed?"

"Of course not."

"Okay, let's look at what just happened as if it were a scene. We tried something you were unsure of, and as your Dom, I noticed you had a problem and called the scene before you had a chance to safeword. Do you think that you, as the sub, should feel embarrassed?"

Mac latched onto the words, your Dom, and felt a warm glow deep in her belly. Then she remembered he'd asked a question. "No."

"Remember when you asked me about what if you can't play, and I said there were all kinds of ways to play. While I didn't mean it to be, for all intents and purposes, that was a scene. And it was successful. Your Dom asked you to try something, and you did. Can you please look at me now?"

Mac rubbed her face on her sleeve, erasing the tears before she shifted and caught Finn's gaze.

He trailed a finger down her face. "Thank you for trying. That was a big, scary step and I'm proud of you."

Mac gave him an uncertain smile, unprepared for the comfort his words provided.

"So, is lying on top of me a soft or hard limit?"

She closed her eyes and let herself relive the feeling for a moment. Scary, but not crippling. "Soft limit."

"Good. When you fill in your check-list, you will add lying on top of me to your soft limits."

Mac nodded, and feeling bold, asked, "Can I sleep here tonight? Like we did last night?"

"Of course you can. We're going steady. But are you sure?"

"I want to try. I was fine last night and I want to see if I'll be fine again."

"Alright, but sweetie, you need to know that just being near you makes me hard, and while I try to keep my erection from touching you, I can't guarantee it while we're sleeping."

"I understand, and I did notice. Please don't any more. I'm not saying rub yourself on me every chance you get, for now anyway, but don't censor yourself. Not with actions, or words. I don't want you to tiptoe around my issues. I would rather deal with a bad reaction than miss out on any more life."

"You got it. Wanna go to bed now?" Finn waggled his eyebrows, making Mac giggle.

"Yeah, but I had better call Sully first and let him know. He'll worry, otherwise."

"You do that, and I'll go find you a t-shirt to sleep in and meet you upstairs.

***

Finn was already in bed reading by the time Mac arrived. He looked up from his book when she tapped on the door frame. "Silly girl, we're going steady. That means you don't have to knock. There's a t-shirt there on the end of the bed for you. Before you go change, What did Mr. Worry-wart have to say?"

"He called me a dirty stop-out."

"Mmm, lucky me. I'm rather partial to oboe playing dirty stop-outs. What else did he say?"

"Nothing of note beyond calling me names."

"You still okay?"

"A little nervous, but I think so."

"Good. Go get changed and come to bed. I grabbed your toothbrush from the guest bathroom and left it for you beside the sink"

"Thanks." Mac picked up the t-shirt and trundled off to the bathroom.

Finn gave up on his book. There was no way he could get his mind off the prospect of spending the night alone with her. It could end up anywhere between idyllic and disaster. He'd be thrilled if they ended up at any point on the idyllic side of that spectrum.

Finn beamed at Mac as she inched her way back into the bedroom. "Welcome back." He flipped the covers down in invitation. Mac perched on the edge of the bed for a moment before laying on her back, so tense, she seemed ready to levitate. "Sweetie, you need to let your muscles go a little, or you're going to be awfully sore tomorrow. Can I massage your shoulders a bit?"

"I don't know if this was such a good idea after all."

"Whatever you need, baby. You have safewords. Give me a colour."

"Yellow."

"Okay, yellow. What do you need?

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Take a breath and think about it for a minute. What is the problem, and what needs to happen?"

"I'm scared."

"Do you need a minute for the scared feeling to go away, or do we need to change something?"

"Dammit. I'm such a mess. I'm sorry, Finn. I should go home. I don't even know why I asked for this."

"Yeah, you are a mess, but we can work with mess. You asked for this because it's what you want. I agreed because it's what I want and what you need. If you really need to go home, then call red. We agreed on safewords, and you've been very good with yellow. Going home because this is too much is exactly when you should use red. Are you still yellow, or are you red?"