Let Me Go (31 page)

Just when she thought things would turn out
differently, just when she thought she’d finally get to be with
Mason, she had to go and get a damn conscience. She couldn’t let
him dive into a relationship with her. He had the opportunity to
get his old life back, and she didn’t belong in it. She would
either hold him back because he wouldn’t want to hurt her or he’d
plunge headfirst into his old life, and she would be the one left
behind. He would resent her for that and then maybe he would see
her as her sister, even though deep down she knew the latter was
ridiculous, and only something she made herself believe to feel
better about being away from Mason. But either way, she couldn’t
keep him to herself.
What if the only reason he loved her was
because of the life he was living now?
He wasn’t a prestigious
doctor anymore; he didn’t have the riches and the posh lifestyle,
so her meager one fit right in.
But, what if when he went back
to it all, he would realize he was better suited with someone that
came from a higher class?
He’d either leave Kat and she
wouldn’t be able to handle that, or he’d be too loyal and stick
with her at the expense of his own happiness. No, she couldn’t do
that to him or her. She had to let him go; she had to free him so
he could find himself and figure out his future without her
dragging him down. So she did the hardest thing she’d ever had to
do; she let him go.

“Mason, I’m so happy for you. I really am.
This is everything I’ve worked for, and it’s paid off. But, I’m
sorry, there is no you and me. I can celebrate with you, but only
as a friend.”

“What are you talking about?” Mason
asked.

“I’m sorry; I just don’t want to be with
you.”

“You don’t mean that. I know you don’t.
Whatever you’re afraid of, we’ll work through it all. I love you.
And I know you love me.”

She shook her head. He was right; she did
love him, with all her heart. That’s why she knew what she was
doing was the best thing for him. As long as he believed she loved
him, he wouldn’t let her go.

“I’m so sorry, Mason, but I don’t”

“You don’t what?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think for myself,
and I do care about you, a lot. But I don’t love you. Whatever I
felt for you was because of our situation. And now that we’ve spent
time apart, I’ve figured that out. I don’t love you, not like
that.”

“No Kat, you’re lying. I know you are.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she pulled
away completely, not lifting her eyes to his. She was sorry for a
lot of things, for the mess he was in, the pain she had caused, the
lies she was telling.

“No, no, don’t say that. Whatever is going
on in that head of yours, we’ll figure it out. Don’t push me away
because you’re afraid. I know that’s what this is.”

She pushed back the tears that were trying
to break free and lifted her eyes to meet his. She pushed all
thoughts to the back of her mind and let only her steely resolve
show through her eyes. Yes, it was resolve for what she was doing
rather than what she was saying, but she knew Mason wouldn’t tell
the difference. He just had to believe she meant what she said.

“I don’t love you, Mason. And I’m not sure
what I felt before was real love either. I had hoped maybe we could
stay friends, but that’s clearly not a good idea. You should go.
You need to leave.” Her voice was flat as she led him toward the
door. He followed like a zombie, barely moving, face contorted in
pain as if he was suffering from some kind of physical damage.

“Goodbye, Mason. Good luck,” she said as she
closed the door in his face. She waited for over half an hour until
she heard his footsteps leave. He had stood there, on the other
side of the door, face frozen in confusion for over half an hour.
Once he left, she allowed herself to feel the pain she was in. She
doubled over, the agony in her heart ripping her apart, and the
tears began to run freely.

Chapter 45

“Get up!”
Benny’s voice made Mason wince.

“Leave me alone,” whined Mason. It had been
almost three weeks since Kat broke his heart and ripped it to
shreds. She didn’t love him. He spent the first few days calling
Trent, Benny, and even Adam, complaining and complaining. But they
all just told him that there was no way she didn’t love him, and he
must have done something wrong; that he’d better figure it out and
fix it. But he knew better. He had seen it in her eyes. She looked
at him with conviction when she spoke her words, telling him that
not only did she not love him, but she wasn’t sure she ever
had.

He couldn’t blame her, really. He had
kidnapped her and she didn’t have anyone else.
How could she not
grow to care for him? How could she not think it was love when it
was only a longing to be close to someone, anyone?
But, once
she was free, the feelings became apparent for what they really
were, just some form of Stockholm syndrome. Yet she still went
ahead and did everything in her power to clear his name.
Why?
Because she was genuinely a good person, that’s why. It
certainly wasn’t because she loved him.

After he couldn’t stomach listening to his
friends accuse him of hurting her, he turned to alcohol and when he
couldn’t stay drunk all the time anymore, he just became a moping
slob. And that was when Benny clearly thought Mason had enough.

“Goddamn it, Mason! Why the hell do I always
have to be the voice of reason? You know, I used to have a
reputation as a hard ass. And you know why? Because it was true, I
didn’t give a damn about people or things or even myself, but then
I had to go and become friends with you. And now, I feel like I’m
living in a freaking soap opera and suddenly the bad guy ain’t so
bad anymore.” Benny was talking to himself, mostly, Mason knew, but
he also knew Benny was talking loud enough for Mason to hear on
purpose. Mason was pretty sure Benny was saying these things to get
Mason to snap out of it since he should really be the straight-edge
one, not the laying on the couch, smelling like day-old pizza one.
But he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Fuck, man. The place is a mess and you
stink. What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to go to your
lawyer’s office the other day and he called me saying you never
showed up and he couldn’t get a hold of you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Like hell it doesn’t. Kat didn’t do all
this for you so you could be a lazy-ass loser.”

“You think I care about all that?” Mason
snapped, finally sitting up. “You think I give a shit about having
my name cleared or being able to practice medicine again? I don’t
give a fucking shit! Why? Because I can’t share it with Kat. I
wanted my life back for so long and then I fell for Kat and I
didn’t care about it anymore. I wanted a new life with her. Yes,
sure, it was wonderful to have my name cleared, but that was so she
wouldn’t be ashamed of me. And so I could earn her respect and her
love and her trust. And be the man she deserved. But if she doesn’t
want me, then what the hell do I need all that other shit for?
Myself? No! Fuck that!”

“Did you ever think to, I don’t know, maybe
tell her all that?” Benny asked.

“I didn’t get a chance to. She kicked me out
and closed the door in my face.”

“And that’s it? You didn’t call her? You
didn’t go back over there? You just left and decided that was
it?”

“She doesn’t love me. What am I supposed to
do? Force her to?”

“Bullshit!” Benny spat. “You are a coward.
She loves you. I know she does. You want to tell me she loves you
one day and then magically decides she doesn’t the next? It doesn’t
work that way and you know it.”

“It was never love.”

“Again, I call bullshit. It was love, plain
as day. And deep down, under all that self-pity, you know it. You
just let her go with no fight and no challenge. You just decided
that she meant what she said. You know, she’s just as miserable as
you. Why do you think that is? Hmm? Why would someone who doesn’t
love you be miserable without you?”

“Then why the hell did she tell me she
didn’t love me?”

“For a smart guy, you really are completely
clueless.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,”
Mason huffed.

“Voice of fucking reason, I swear I deserve
to be a saint after dealing with you and your messed up life. And I
thought I was into some shit,” Benny mumbled to himself. “All
right, fine, let’s say it’s easier to see shit from the outside
looking in. But let’s see if you figure this out anyway. Your life
before all this,” Benny said, waving his hand around Mason’s place.
“What was it like?”

“You know what it was like.”

“Humor me.”

“I was a well-respected doctor and was
considered upper middle class.”

“Middle class?” Benny raised his
eyebrows.

“What? I was!”

“All right, Doctor, we’ll say you were in
the way, way upper middle class. Would you have ever been in the
same circles as Kat?”

“Probably not. But I don’t see what this has
anything to do with her not loving me.”

“You don’t, huh? Okay, now that you’re free
and clear, could you go back to that life?”

“I guess, technically, but it would be hard
work. I would have to earn my respect all over again if anyone
would be willing to give me a chance in the first place. My name
might be my own again, but that doesn’t stop people from judging
anyway.”

“But, you could try, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And does Kat know that?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“And you still aren’t seeing the fucking
connection? Goddamn! Either you are being stupid on purpose, all
the alcohol you’ve consumed in the last few weeks has done some
permanent brain damage, or I have no clue how you got a medical
degree in the first place.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Kat doesn’t want to hold you back, you dumb
ass!”

“What? Why? Why would she think that? Hold
me back from what? And how the hell do you know?”

“She’s afraid she’s going to hold you back
from your old life because she doesn’t belong there.”

“That’s bullshit! She belongs anywhere. But
she’s not holding me back anyway because I don’t care about all
that without her. And why the hell do you think that anyways?”

“Because I actually talk to her. And when
she speaks, I listen. And when she drops hints she doesn’t realize
she’s dropping, I pick up on them. You think you can live on the
streets and not read people?”

“You’re serious? You’re sure?”

Benny just nodded.

“But that’s ridiculous! How can she think
that?”

“She just does.”

“So she loves me?”

“Yeah, asshole, she does.”

“My, God! Why didn’t you tell me this
before?”

“First off, you wouldn’t listen to anything
I said. Second, you shouldn’t be so damn blind and should have seen
it all yourself. And lastly, it took me a while to figure it out
myself. And even then, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to force feed
you the information. But, shit, I guess even you need a guardian
angel. I’m telling you, I better get sainthood after this life is
over.”

“Benny, I love you!” Mason said as he
wrapped him in a hug.

“Love you too, buddy, but can you go shower
or brush your teeth or something before you decide to show me more
love?”

Mason laughed. “You got it.”

“So what are you going to do?” Benny
asked.

“I’m going to fight for her. And I know just
what to do.”

*****

Kat was pretty damn depressed. She let Mason
go, which was the right thing to do, but it still hurt being
without him. It had been three and a half weeks and she felt like
the weight of the world was on her shoulders. She kept working as a
waitress so she had something to keep her busy and spent all her
time with Trent, Ty, Diane, and some other friends of Trent’s. She
was still heartbroken. And she couldn’t blame Mason because it was
all her doing.

Although she didn’t expect to hear from
Mason, when her birthday rolled around two days ago, she couldn’t
help but feel hurt that he didn’t even call to wish her a happy
birthday. Benny had called, offered to take her to dinner, but she
wasn’t up to it. Trent wanted to take her clubbing and find her a
nice rebound, but she refused. Finally he convinced her to at least
let him stay with her. They ended up watching chick flicks and
gorging on ice cream all night. It made her feel a little better,
but she thought of Mason the entire time.

After sleeping all day yesterday, she
couldn’t sleep now. She tried desperately, but to no avail. Her
thoughts kept drifting to her disappointment. She tried watching
television, but there was nothing on at the late hour, at least
nothing worth watching. She debated on waking up Trent, but then
she felt bad. So she grabbed some cleaning supplies and got to
work. Hopefully that would exhaust her to the point where she could
at least fall asleep. In theory she could take a sleeping pill, but
with her family’s clear history of addiction, she didn’t want to
risk it.

She had finished the kitchen and the living
room and was just starting on the office. She moved the chair and
accidentally knocked over some of the mail she hadn’t looked at
yet. She leaned down and started scooping it up when a small
package caught her eye. It was small, like the size of a CD, but it
was one of those thick envelopes with padding. She didn’t remember
seeing that with the mail before. At least, she was sure she hadn’t
seen it. But, then again, Trent had gotten her mail the past few
days because she was so out of it. She lifted it and there was no
address or return mail.
That was odd. How did it end up
here?
Trent must have definitely left it for her.

She opened it and out slid an iPod and a
letter. The iPod looked vaguely familiar but when she opened the
letter, the first tear dropped even before she read it.