Let Me Love (27 page)

The director calls everyone in, and I’m about to take a seat with my parents when Chloe and Tara come over and grab each one of my hands, leading me to the couch in front of the caskets. My dad urges me to follow, so I do. They sit me right next to Kailey and hop on our laps. Holly sits in the chair next to us holding a sleepy Drew in her arms. Clyde is on the other side of her. Caden’s parents peer over at our make shift family from their own couch to the right of us.

After the priest and the prayers, the mourners file out, and the family is given time to say good-bye. Kailey surprises me when she exits the room two seconds after the doors shut. The gang has the kids along the couch, Sadie feeding them graham crackers. Uncle Clyde and Aunt Holly, along with Caden’s parents, come out fifteen minutes later, and the despair in their eyes when they look at me. They’re just as confused to how Kailey could only spend a few minutes with them.

“Can you take the kids?” I ask them, and they nod their heads.

Kailey stands outside the room, talking to one of the pallbearers. Mr. Greyson comes up to her and asks if everyone has said their goodbyes, and she nods. I grab her wrist and start walking into the room again.

“Stop it, Trey, what are you doing?” She tries to wiggle out of my grip, but I hold tight. The curious eyes over my impromptu scene does nothing to waver me.

“Kailey, you’re going to face this,” I tell her and open the parlor doors and shut them behind us. She stands with her arms crossed over her chest, an indignation I’ve grown to love. I point to the caskets. “Say goodbye,” I instruct sternly, but she shakes her head, like a fucking two year old.

“I already said goodbye,” she says not even willing to glance in their direction.

I grip her hand again and force her toward the front of the room. I take the picture of Jen and Caden and shove it in her face. “You need to face this reality, Kailey,” I take both her hands in mine. “I know this hard as hell, and you’re breaking inside, but, believe me, you’ll regret it if you don’t take the time and say good-bye.”

She says nothing, her blank green eyes peer over at Jen. “No, then it’s a reality.” Finally we’re starting getting somewhere.

“I know, baby,” I gently speak, entwining our fingers and leading her over to her sister.

She surprises me when she lays her hand on the casket and closes her eyes. I start to release her hand, to give her the space she needs, but she squeezes harder. “Stay, please.” Hell, if I would ever leave her when she needs me.

I stay quiet while she whispers sweet things to her sister, and then makes her way over to Caden, telling him goodbye. After she’s done, she looks up at me and nods. It scares the hell out of me that there are no tears in her eyes, revealing that she’s still lost somewhere inside herself. I need to reach her darkness, show her our love is worth it. One step at a time I tell myself. She allows me to keep her hand in mine as we open the doors. Most everyone has departed to their cars. All the pallbearers, including my brother, who graciously filled in for me, file into the room under Mr. Greyson’s directive. Sadie and Jessa bring the kids our way, and we stand there along with family, watching the two caskets brought out on rolling carts. The gloved hands of the men resting on top, are serious and mournful, lifting the caskets into the two hearses.

The sound of the doors being shut makes Kailey’s body jolt. I place my hand on her back, and her head drops. She grabs Drew in her arms and takes Chloe’s hand in hers. I, in turn, pick up Tara, and we leave the funeral home for a long time to come, hopefully. I don’t ask, and she doesn’t say anything when I climb into the driver’s seat of the minivan.

The rest is a blur of activity. Driving to the church, Holly and Caden’s cousin’s eulogies, the cemetery and the caskets being lowered into the ground all runs together. Throughout the whole thing, Kailey doesn’t shed one tear, doesn’t release one sob. Polite and courteous as she sees the last guest out of the banquet room the university let her use. The catering crew makes the rounds of clearing dishes and glasses from the tables. Scooping up the tablecloths into balls and tossing them into baskets. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde have been lifesavers, taking the kids back to the house once again. She gathers her purse, and we walk out to my car without a word spoken. I open the door for her, she slides in, and I walk around to my side. I’m suddenly breaking inside that the one I love is shattered beyond my healing powers.

When we get to the house, it’s darker than last night. I’m not surprised the kids aren’t already crashed in their beds. I swallow hard, wanting desperately to beg her. Let me come in, hold you tonight, and begin this new life with you; be together and face this as a team, I can be her savior, her knight. “Thank you, Trey. Goodnight.” She hurries out of the car, just like last night.

Needing to give her some time, I back out of the driveway to return to my lonely bed, racking my brain on how I’ll convince Kailey to see what everyone else does.

Kailey

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I
t’s been two weeks since we buried Jen and Caden. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde are staying for the summer to help everyone get adjusted. Their help is great, since I was in the middle of summer school. Now that they’re retired they volunteered to move here permanently, or us to Colorado, but I declined the offer. Chloe still has nightmares, but they’re only a few times a week. Tara and Drew don’t completely understand, mostly asking where their mom and dad are right before bed or a nap. We’re hanging on, mostly to each other for the life support we need to carry on.

Trey stops by every day, either taking the kids to the park or just to hang out for a few hours. I try to make myself scarce, but occasionally I just sneak up to my bedroom until I hear the roar of his muffler disappear down the street. My body begs me to stay where he is, waiting for his fingers to brush against mine, to feel that electric shock, but it will just make the inevitable harder. Trey won’t be able to stay in this caged life. He should be out there living, instead of nailed down with three kids and a pseudo wife. His tenacious side is really shining, and I’m waiting for the day he doesn’t show up, the day he finally chalks it up and forgets us.

Uncle Clyde continues to do his silent encouraging, and Aunt Holly furthers her bluntness to informing me what a stubborn ass I’m being. But they don’t understand, I saw the toll it took on Caden when he took me on as well as Jen. Not to say we weren’t happy, we were, but it wasn’t easy. I can’t help thinking Caden wouldn’t have minded dating Jen without having to worry about a babysitter or a little sister tagging along. Those teenage years, when I was outspoken and downright mean. The fights we had when I disrespected Jen. I love Trey. I wish everyone would understand, I’m putting us both through hell for him.

That doesn’t mean I’m not mourning Trey in a way as well. My heart practically shatters every time I see him, my feet desperately want to disobey me and run toward him. It would be easier for me to jump into his arms and allow him to wipe away all my worries. So, I keep repeating to myself, it’s for his own good. I just wish he’d give up already because I’m starting to waiver the more he comes around.

Especially since when I came back from class this afternoon, I found suitcases by the door. “Aunt Hol,” I yell, “what’s with the suitcases?”

She doesn’t bother even turning around from the sink. “We’re going somewhere,” she says, continuing to clean the dishes.

“Where, and who is we?” I make my way to the fridge to grab a Diet Coke.

“All of us. Well, you probably won’t want to go, so you can stay here. But me, Clyde, and the kids.” She’s been giving the cold shoulder for the past week.

“Where would you be going? It’s Fourth of July, I thought we could—,”

“We’ve been invited to Trey’s family’s house. I think it would do some good for the kids to get away.”

“You can’t just take them,” I spout. She turns around and raises her eyebrows at me.

“Okay, Kailey, can we take the kids to Trey’s for the long weekend?” She sighs and purses her lips.

“No,” I answer, shaking my head.

“Too bad.” she shrugs her shoulders.

“I said no. I’m their guardian.”

“Kailey, they need a change. They need something to look forward to. To get out of this house and not be reminded of everything they lost. Maybe you want to continue to wallow in grief, but it’s not fair to them.”

Taken back, I cock my head, surprised she’s pointing the finger at me. I wasn’t the driver who smashed into the ambulance. I’m not the one who gave Jen cancer. All I’ve done is continued our normal schedule. The kids do everything like they did before their parents died. It’s not like I lay in my bed all day feeling sorry for myself. Well, maybe a little.

“That boy loves those kids and you too, if you’d just open your damn eyes you’d realize it. His mom called me and invited all of us, including you, which is more than I can say I would do from the way you’ve treated her son.” I release a deep breath from exhaustion of her attitude with me.

“Fine. Go. I’ll stay here.” I shout at her while I walk up the stairs. A memory suddenly floods to mind of the fights I had with Jen when I was sixteen. Oh, how I miss her.

When I get to my room, I slam the door like a teenager and flop down on my bed. Anger rising within me, the nerve that she’s taking the kids away, and with Trey. My phone dings in my pocket, and I pull it out.

Trey: Please think about coming. It would be good to get away. Love, your little drummer boy. Although, there’s nothing little about me. ;)

Tossing the phone into my pillow, I let my head fall down onto my crossed arms. The ache that occupies my body is for Trey. I’ve been dreaming about him every night. The feel of his warm arms wrapped around me. There’s no way, I can be in a car with him for three hours, but at the same time there’s no way I can’t. The pull to him is too strong, and he’s weakened me these past weeks as much as I hate to admit it.

Already accepting I should be packing my bag another text comes through.

Trey: Not even a LOL or smiley? Give me something.

The smallest smile starts to form. Damn him.

Me:  LOL. Happy now?

Trey: I won’t be happy until you agree to come. Come on my cat girl.

Say no, say no.

Me: Fine.

Trey: Pack a skimpy bikini. Wait, strike that. Bring a one piece too. The bikini will be for the midnight swims with just you and me.

Uh, the audacity of him to think just because I’m agreeing to go, I’ll be skinny dipping with him in the middle of the night.

Me: Don’t get any ideas. I’m not going to be skinny dipping with the likes of you.

Trey: Look has the dirty mind now. I said bikini, not naked. But hey, I’m sure you can persuade me. I’m leaving my house, so pack that bag because I’m coming to get ALL of you.

Just like that the butterflies swarm within my stomach, and the anticipation of being near him grows more intense.
Jesus, Kailey, you have no self-control. You’ve held off for the past two weeks, and now you’re just going to give in. What the hell is wrong with you? You love him that’s what.

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T
rey arrives fifteen minutes later. I barely have everything packed by the time he’s at my bedroom door. He leans against the doorframe so cocky and sure of himself, bearing that flirtatious smirk. “Did you pack it?” he slyly asks.

“Maybe,” I playfully respond, shrugging my shoulders.

He comes into the room and grabs my bag from the bed. When he passes by me, his hand grazes mine and goose bumps spread like wildfire up my arm.

“I just want to make something clear, Trey. This doesn’t change anything. You still need to move on with your life.” His eyes drop, and he takes a long breath before they open again.

“Got it.” His lips turn up into a smile.

We climb into the van, all the kids in the back row, and Holly and I in the second row with Trey and Clyde up front. Holly pats my knee and smiles at me, obviously deliriously happy that I changed my mind.

Three hours, two bathroom breaks, and an hour filled with whining later, we arrive at Trey’s parents’. It’s an enormous two-story brick house set back on a lot of empty land. Classic and modern all rolled into one. With tons of windows and black trim, it’s stunning to look at. The lines are sleek but jagged. Whoever designed it had a keen eye for architecture, that’s for sure.

Trey parks the van in front of the four-car garage, and all of us are eager to escape the confined space. “I forgot what it’s like to travel with children,” Holly says to me and just shrugs. I want to remind her she’s the one who was so keen on this little road trip, but this will be uncomfortable as it is, I’ll need her as an ally not an enemy.

Trey and Clyde carry the bags, but before we open the door it busts open with Elena standing in the doorway. Seriously, do these people have magic powers? Have they ever heard of letting some knock before answering? “Hi, everyone. Welcome.” She throws the door open all the way and signals us to come in. Anxiety builds inside of me that maybe I’m not really welcome, but of course she quickly proves me wrong.

Once I’m through the door, she squeezes me tightly just like her son always does. “Welcome, Kailey.” Her arms bring a warmth around me, almost chipping away some coldness. I nod and clench my teeth, so I don’t break down.

Elena makes a huge pot of spaghetti with homemade meatballs for dinner. We sit on the patio that overlooks acres of land. The kids play in the yard, Chloe does cartwheels, Tara somersaults, and Drew just running in circles. It’s nice to see them so happy and carefree, like children should be. Not that they aren’t at home, but Aunt Holly was right, they needed to get out of that house and Western.
Damn, I hate it when she’s right.

“Kailey, will you help me?” Elena asks, taking the dishes into the kitchen.

I automatically stand, kicking myself for not offering first. Trey rises to his feet to help. “Trey, you stay. I only need Kailey. We’ll be right back.” She smiles, and I look at Aunt Holly with fear of what I’m in for.