Let's Be Mature About This BN (14 page)

“I am letting it go. I don’t care what he thinks anymore. Okay, Ms. Psychiatrist?” I pouted at him. I was sure he was still hung up on whatever Mr. Caselle had said. “How are classes going?” he smiled.

“Great, thanks to your suggestion.” I grinned.

“I knew you’d like psychology. So, do you want to go somewhere for lunch today?”

“Nah. I’m sure there’s some of your mom’s leftover Gnocchi still in the fridge,” I joked. We both laughed.

I love to hear him laugh. I relish in the thought that I am responsible for some of those alto laughs, laughs that vibrate through me when I’m drawn close to him. Sometimes he is like that statue of Apollo the god, basking in the light of his sun, overjoyed and his arms lifted towards the warmth of it. I want him to smile forever. I don’t ever want to disappoint him.

Gavin smiled down at me for a moment. His green eyes were so stunning against his olive skin. He lowered his head and, unexpectedly, kissed me tenderly on the forehead.

***

“Hey Sara!” Sydney smiled as Sara ran over to her and hugged her leg. She bent down and picked her up. “Aww, you look so pretty, baby!” Sara was wearing a frilly yellow sundress and little yellow ribbons in her soft curly hair. “Are you going to give Auntie a kiss?” Sara turned her head away smiling. “Pwease?” Sydney pouted. Sara quickly kissed Sydney on the cheek. “Aww, thank you so much!” Sydney placed Sara down and she ran towards the living room. Sydney followed her and found Gavin sitting on the couch talking to Elizabeth.

“Hey guys. Gavin, what are you doing over here?”

“Well if you think we’re here planning your birthday present you’re wrong,” Elizabeth smiled innocently.

“I’m just here hanging out with the family,” Gavin smiled unsurely.

“Okaaay.” Gavin and Elizabeth received suspicious looks from Sydney. She sat down on the couch and the three of them spent the evening playing with Sara and baking chocolate chip cookies. By the time Evan came home, Sara had fallen fast asleep.

“’Evening everyone,” Evan greeted us as he walked into the house. He kicked off his boots at the door, walked over to the living room and gave Liz a kiss, gave Sydney a smile and Gavin a nod, and then went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He worked at a packing company doing maintenance on the packaging machines so his hands were streaked with oil. He came back into the living room. “What were you guys up to while I was gone?”

“Well, we were The Wiggles for a good part of the day,” said Liz.

Evan laughed. “I’m sure Sara enjoyed that.” He picked up Liz’s hand and kissed her knuckles. Gavin reached over and held Sydney’s hand.

“Evan, did things change for you two when you got married?”

Sydney was a little puzzled by Gavin’s question. It had been a month since the accusations Gavin had made about her and Evan and even though it had been put to rest on Gavin’s end, Evan had felt the animosity at the double date and the two had cordially kept their distance ever since.

“Well,” Evan started and then looked at his wife Liz as he thought about a response, “I would say that things have definitely changed for us because we have a beautiful child together and we’ve had to change our priorities around to be good parents. But if you’re talking about any changes in our relationship, just me and Liz, I would say that getting married made things better.” Liz nodded and winked at Gavin and Sydney. “I know that sounds weird because the popular belief is that it’s all downhill from there.”

Gavin chuckled. “Yeah, Jay keeps me reminded of that. Cool. Um, Evan, could I talk to you outside for a minute?” Evan cocked an eyebrow and then looked at Sydney. Sydney shrugged.

“Uh, sure.” The two men stood up from the couch and walked out to the deck in the backyard.

“What was that about?”

“Oh, I think this is great Sydney! I think our guys are going to be best friends! Wouldn’t that be cool?”

“I guess so.”

“I bet they’re talking about you Sydney!”

“And exactly why would they be doing that?”

“No reason,” Elizabeth said quickly. “So, how are those psychology classes going? Good?”

***

“Okay, so after you stuff me with amazing Spanish food you want to put me on the Tilt-O-Whirl?”

“No! We can go on the Ferris wheel. Whatever you want Birthday Girl.”

“That’s right,” she grinned. “Since it’s my birthday and I can do what I please, I say we go on the Ferris wheel.”

Gavin laughed. “Didn’t I just say that?”

Sydney rushed towards the Ferris wheel. “Can’t hear you! It’s not your birthday!”

Gavin smiled as he watched Sydney gleefully head for the amusement park ride. The night was perfect. The air was cool and the skies were starry. The glow of all the lights on the rides made everything feel dream-like. Plus, the beach where they’d had their second date was nearby.

Sydney was wearing a silky cream-colored halter dress with gold and red Egyptian style lotus flowers on the ties that go behind the neck and in the border along the empire waist. Gavin watched as the material of her dress skimmed across her thighs and the ends of the ribbon tied at her neck grazed along her back. Liz had curled her hair for her that afternoon; her black curls were soft and shiny. Gavin caught up to her smiling with his hands in the pockets of his brown Dockers. The two slid into one of the seats and Sydney rested her head on his shoulder as they waited for the other people to get on and the ride to start. 

When the wheel started moving Sydney popped up and began peering down from their seat, watching the ground grow smaller and smaller.

“Don’t look down if you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared! I’m excited!” Sydney grinned as she looped her arm through his and her hand grasped at his sleeve at the crook of his arm.

Gavin chuckled at the expression of wonder on her face. The lights from the Ferris wheel made her brown skin look even softer. He consciously took a mental picture of the way she looked tonight. “Wow, this is beautiful!” Sydney commented as their seat rose to the top of the wheel and they got a view of the ocean and the lights of the city. She turned to Gavin. “Thank you so much for this. This is amazing. Gavin…are you alright?”

Gavin rubbed at his eyes and cleared his throat. “Yeah, just something in my eye, I guess.”

“Oh, Gavin! Don’t cry or I’ll start crying!” Sydney’s eyes began to tear up. “See!”

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” Sydney sniffled.

“Nothing’s wrong! I just…can’t believe how my little girl has grown up and become a woman. Ah!” Gavin chuckled as Sydney punched him and slapped him a few times on the arm. “I’m just kidding!”

“Grrrr!”

“Ooo, kinky! Could you neigh like a zebra? That really gets me going.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Sydney burst out laughing. When she finally quieted down she sat and admired Gavin. The jade green long-sleeved button-down shirt was really bringing out his eyes.

Those eyes were only for her. At first the idea that Gavin was so captivated by her had creeped her out; she didn’t want to be the only one responsible for his happiness. But at this time in the relationship she couldn’t imagine her life without him because her happiness was now very much with him. She was in love. How crazy! She got as close as possible to him in the seat and snuggled up to him with her head over his heart. She breathed in his cologne. She brushed her lips very lightly against his neck. He smiled.

“Sydney, that tickles.”

“I know,” she smiled.

The Ferris wheel slowed to a stop with them at the bottom. Gavin held Sydney’s hand and helped her out of the carriage. They decided to take the long walk out to the beach beside the amusement park. When they reached there they smiled at each other both thinking of the date they’d had there. Sydney slipped off her shoes and buried her toes in the sand. It was still warm beneath the surface. Gavin slipped out of his shoes and socks and rolled up his pants legs. He walked over to the shore and stepped into the shallow water. Sydney followed. He looked out into the black horizon. Sydney noticed he was very pensive so she just looked out into the horizon and found herself lost in thought. When she came back to the present she looked over to find that Gavin had walked off and was walking a few feet down the shoreline.

She turned and started walking towards him, looking down at the footsteps he had left in the sand, making her own footprints alongside his. Gavin turned and saw that she was following him. He smiled and turned around to keep walking. “Hey you!” Sydney called out, “You get back here!” She continued to follow him. She watched as he kneeled down to pick up something from the sand. She caught up to him and peered down over his shoulder. “Did you find a sand dollar?” When Gavin turned around to show here what he’d found, he was holding a diamond ring.

Sydney made her mouse squeak and cupped her hands over her mouth to stop herself from screaming. The sound of her mouse squeak made Gavin’s smile even bigger. Both Gavin and Sydney had tears falling down their faces.

“Sydney, you are…the most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life; inside and out. You’re sweet, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re strong…I just love you so much. I can’t imagine myself living without you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, for you to be my wife, the mother of my children, everything.” Sydney let out another mouse squeak. Gavin chuckled. “Sydney, will you make me the happiest man in the world? Will you marry me?”

Sydney looked down at him with fear in her eyes and started to shake her head no. Gavin blinked, confused. Sydney moved her hands from her mouth. “I can’t.”

“Why…why not?”

“Oh my God, I thought I told you,” Sydney cried.

Gavin stood up. “Told me what?”

“I can’t have kids.”

Gavin’s heart sunk. “You can’t? Sydney what happened?” He reached out and held her hand. She pulled it out of his grasp.

“No,” Sydney’s voice trembled, “I’m fine physically. I don’t
want
kids. I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do it!”

“But Sydney, I’ve seen you with Sara. You’d be a great mom.”

“Gavin!” Sydney wailed. “No!”

“Are you sure? I mean, are you positive this isn’t a decision you’ll grow out of?”

“This isn’t some adolescent aversion! I’ve thought this decision through. Oh, I thought I told you. How could I have not told you? I’m so sorry I wasted your time. I’ve wasted so much time,” Sydney wailed.

“Our relationship was a waste of time?” Gavin asked quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Sydney whispered and quickly walked away towards the amusement park. For only a few seconds he watched the heart wrenching sight of her walking away. He turned away and became very familiar with the sight of the bleak pitch black horizon and the dark murky waters. That’s how it felt.

Sydney used her cell phone to call a cab home. Once she got home she realized she needed to talk to Liz. She got into her car and drove over to Liz’s house. She sat in her car in Elizabeth’s driveway for a moment and cried. She was sitting in front of Liz’s house crying in her car; back to where she’d started. This was not how things were supposed to end.

He was the one who would eventually grow tired of her and leave her. She was prepared for that. That's what most men do. That’s what her father had done. Never had she anticipated she would be the one leaving Gavin behind. She had just walked away from the love of her life. She had no choice but to go. She'd wasted so much of his time and shattered both of their dreams. If only she wasn't so adamant about not having children. If only she could have kept that beautiful smile on his face. "God," she whispered, "Please don't let him beat himself up over this."

She wiped the tears from off of the steering wheel and from off of her face and got out of the car. She hobbled over to the front door and rang the doorbell. Liz answered with a huge smile on her face.

“How did it go? Where’s the ring, let me see!” Elizabeth grabbed her left hand. “Sydney…where’s your ring?” Sydney started to shake with sobs. “Oh no! Sydney! I’m so sorry.” Elizabeth hugged Sydney to her.

“I’m so stupid!” Sydney blubbered.

“No no,” said Liz, “Shhh, it’ll be okay.” She directed her into the house and closed the front door behind them.

Gavin was sure he’d made numerous traffic violations on his drive home. He was so angry he had blurred vision.
And he was muttering things to himself, things his father and Elise had once told him when his father got angry and when Elise was leaving.
Worthless piece of garbage!...You loser!...You sicken me with all your whiny bullshit! Man up already!...You are a complete waste of my time!
He realized that Elise’s and his father’s insults were so similar he couldn’t tell them apart anymore. He mechanically shut off his car and got out of his car. All the muscles in his body felt taut. He stiffly climbed the stairs up to his apartment. He wiped the sand off of his bare feet onto the welcome mat. He’d left his shoes at the beach. Once inside he went through to all the rooms and flicked the lights on. Still he had no answers.