Letters to Matt (16 page)

She nodded her head, apparently appeased. I thought it was the end of the questions until she hit me with one more. “Do you kiss him with your tongue?”

The question startled me and the sip of
Dr. Pepper
I’d been taking went down the wrong pipe. I started coughing violently.

Matt patted my back, looking alarmed, while Connie said “Mackenzie!” sternly. Mack was oblivious to my coughing and her mom’s warning glare.

“Boys and girls kiss with tongue on Mommy’s show. Daddy says I’m supposed to cover my eyes when they do that, but I don’t always.” She grinned, proud of her little confession.

Doug cleared his throat. “Okay, Mack, that’s enough. It’s not appropriate for little girls to talk about kissing at the dinner table.”

She pouted at being reprimanded. “But you kiss Mommy at the dinner table all the time,” she protested defiantly.

“Mommy and I are adults. We can do what we want. You’re still little and have to listen to us. Now eat your dinner.”

I was finally breathing completely normal again, though I could still taste
Dr. Pepper
whenever I coughed. Matt was rubbing soothing circles on my back.

“I’m so sorry about that,” he said quietly.

I gave a wave of my hand. “It’s fine. She just caught me off guard.”

“Let’s play a game after dinner,” Doug suggested, changing the subject. “Matt got
Taboo
for Christmas last year, and I don’t think we’ve gotten it out since we moved here.”

“That sounds like fun!” I said, enthusiastically.

We finished dinner without any more embarrassing comments. Matt and I got the game ready while Doug and Connie cleaned up the kids and the kitchen. Then we all settled down to play the game. We had a blast. I hadn’t laughed that hard in my life. My stomach hurt and I even had to run to the bathroom once to avoid peeing my pants. Connie and Doug were so funny, and it was great seeing a side of Matt I hadn’t seen at school.

Connie drove me home with Matt and me in the backseat. When we got to the house, he insisted on walking me to the door.

“Thanks for tonight,” I told him, playing with the key in my hand. “I had a blast. It was so awesome to meet your parents.”

“And you were nervous for nothing.”

“How did you know I was nervous?”

Matt smiled. “I could just tell. You’re easy to read, Jaden.”

I grinned at him. He leaned forward, closer to my ear.

“And by the way, I like it when you kiss me with your tongue.”

I threw back my head and laughed. “Mack doesn’t have much of a filter, does she?”

“Well, she
is
six,” he told me. “But, honestly, I think it’s just more of her personality.”

I smiled at him and placed my hand on the back of his neck. He leaned forward for a sweet kiss on the lips. His mom was still in the car waiting, after all.

“Have a good night,” he told me, pulling away. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“I’ll text you,” I agreed. “Thanks again.”

He walked back to the car, and I turned to wave at Connie in the car. She gave me a wave back. I unlocked the door and went inside. Everyone else was still gone. I went up to my room and laid on my bed, replaying the night.

The memory is a rush in my mind as I step up to the doorway. A small, sad smile plants on my face as I reach the door. Even though it was only five years before, it feels like it was an eternity ago. Some days it feels like I had a whole life-time with Matt. Others, it feels like the blink of an eye. Regardless of only having four years with him, I know I was lucky to have Matt, for however short a period of time. And I will always have his family.

I pull open the screen door and walk inside. I can immediately hear Mack playing in the living room. She’s making airplane noises. I walk into the living room to see her running around, flying her Barbie in a toy plane. Madison is sitting at the small table with
Play-Doh
. Connie looks up from her spot on the couch and smiles at me.

“Hey,” she says, standing.

“Hello,” I reply. “Sorry we’re late. Sophie didn’t want to cooperate this morning and I had to dig through laundry to find her socks. I swear the dryer eats the darn things.”

Connie laughs. “I completely understand. I have to buy the girls socks every month it feels like.”

I set Sophie down in her carrier and unbuckle her. She laughs and smiles at me, like she’s proud of herself for making us late. Connie immediately takes her from my arms and gives her an extra tight hug. I say hi to the girls who run up and hug me before going back to playing. 

“Let me go tell Doug we’re leaving,” Connie says, walking out of the room with Sophie.

A few minutes later, the three walk back into the living room.

“Hey, Jaden,” he says as Connie hands Sophie over to him. “You ladies go have fun.”

“You don’t have to tell us twice!” Connie says, grabbing her purse and linking her arm through mine. “You ready?” she asks me.

I nod my head. “Let’s do this.”

She grabs her keys on the way out the door and we head to her car.

“Anywhere particular you want to eat?” she asks, pulling out of the driveway.

I think about it for a moment. “I’ve been craving Chinese lately.”

“Mmm, that sounds good. Chinese it is,” she agrees. “So, how has work been going?”

I give a shrug. “It’s work. Same as always. How is school going for the girls?”

“Great,” she replies. “Madison is doing very well in her classes. Mack has a little more trouble concentrating, and I get a ‘your daughter talks too much in class’ note from her teacher at least once a week. But she doesn’t cause trouble and is pulling pretty decent grades, so I’m not that worried about it. She’s a ten-year-old girl; of course she’s going to be chatty.”

I laugh at Connie’s comment. “Not to mention she’s your daughter. So she’s bound to talk everyone’s ear off.”

“Hey!” Connie laughs. “I don’t talk that much!”

“Oh please, have you tried going anywhere with you? It takes twice as long because you have to stop and talk to everyone!”

She merely smiles, knowing she can’t argue with that. Connie is a chatterbox and she knows it. She likes to try and deny it every now and then, though.

“So, I actually have something serious I want to talk about. I want your opinion on something,” I tell her.

“Okay?”

“I have been toying with the idea of going back to school,” I say. “I really want to get my degree in nursing, but I just don’t know if I can do it. It already feels like I have so little free time between work and raising Sophie. I just don’t know that I can add going to school full time on top of it all. But, I know I can’t raise Sophie on a bartender’s salary for the rest of our lives. What do you think?”

“I think you can do anything you set your mind to, Jaden,” Connie tells me.

“But—“

“No buts,” she cuts me off. “You are so amazing, Jaden, and you don’t realize it. Most nineteen years old couldn’t handle losing their fiancé, raising a baby, and maintaining an apartment all by themselves, but you’re doing it. You are an amazing mother. You work your butt off at the bar. And you can go to school to be a nurse, too, and be a damn fine one at that.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes. I have looked up to Connie since I first met her. She’s truly an amazing woman and I could only hope to be half as amazing as she is. The fact that she thinks so highly of me and has such faith in me truly warms my heart.

“Seriously, though, I just don’t know that I can do it all on my own,” I say, sobering.

“And you won’t do it on your own. You have me and Doug and your own parents, and Mandy and Mitch. You damn near have a little league team on your side, and we’re all rooting for you to do great things in your life. And if that means pursuing your dream to be a nurse, then we’ll back you one-hundred percent and do anything you need us to do to help. When would you enroll?”

“If I get my application in quickly, I could enroll in the fall. I always made good grades, too, so I know that my chances of being rejected are slim.”

“Well, then, let’s do it,” she suggests firmly.

I let out a sigh. “It just seems like so much.”

She gives me a smile. “The best things in life require the most effort, and it’s always worth it in the end. Just promise me you’ll seriously consider it. Please don’t let your dreams pass you by. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be. You have to go after the things you want, and it’ll be better for both you and Sophie in the end.”

I smile at her. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

She gives a shrug. “I just speak the truth.”

The conversation gets a little less intense as we pull up to the restaurant. We talk about Doug’s new position at work and how he’s hell bent to buy a motorcycle now that they have the extra money.

“I swear, it’s like some mid-life crisis,” Connie says as she holds open the door for me. “He’s going to get himself killed on the damn thing, but he’s fighting tooth and nail with me about it.”

“Well, what did you say to him about it?”

We walk up to the podium and a high school-aged girl welcomes us and asks how many we have with us.

“Just us two, please and thank you,” Connie answers before looking back at me. “I told him we would start putting some money back for it. We could give it three months to see if we’d even be able to afford it. I’m holding out hope that he’ll get over the crazy notion in that time, but for now it’s all he wants to talk about.”

I laugh as the pretty blonde sets down the menus and steps back to let us slide into the booth. The conversation continues jumping from one topic to another as we order and our food arrives until I know I have to bring up Cole. I can’t put it off any longer.

“So, I wanted to tell you something, because I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else and I don’t want you to think badly of me.”

Concern fills her eyes. “Okay?”

“I don’t even know how to start.” I pause, giving myself a moment to work up the courage. “Would you be mad if I started dating again?”

“Oh,” she says quietly.

I immediately feel my face drop when she doesn’t add anything to the small statement. “It’s just that Mandy set me up with her coworker. He came to the bar and we hung out. We’ve been texting all week. He’s really nice,” I begin to ramble. “It’s nothing serious. He just got out of a long relationship, so we’re taking things slow. I don’t even know if you can say we’re dating, but he’s definitely becoming a friend.” She stays quiet for a few more moments and I wring my hands in my lap. “I mean no disrespect to Matt’s memory.”

“No, no, of course not!” she says suddenly. “It’s just—I mean, I kind of figured this day would come. You’re young and of course no one expects you to spend the rest of your life single and mourning Matt’s death. It just makes it so…”

“Real?” I finish for her, and she nods. “I know, trust me. I feel like I’m betraying him.”

I reach for my glass of water and Connie places her hand on mine. “Don’t. Jaden, Matt would want you to be happy and move on with your life. I know he would. He cared about your happiness even before he cared about his own. Matt is gone and we all have to accept that. And if anyone gives you shit for trying to date and move on with your life, you call me. I’ll set them straight.”

Tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheek. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have Connie as an almost-mother-in-law. I know a lot of women would have been a lot less accepting, even if it was only because of their own pain. But that is Connie. She is selfless to a fault. She puts everything she has into those she loves. I see tears streaming down her face and she still hasn’t released my hand.

Just then, our waiter, a man in his mid-thirties, walks over, looking alarmed.

“Ladies, is everything okay?”

Connie sniffs and lets out a laugh. “God, how silly do we look? Sitting here crying over our lo mein?” She pulls her hand from mine and wipes her eyes. “We’re fine, thank you. Just a couple of over emotional women.”

“Okay,” he says. “If you’re sure everything is okay. I just stopped by to see if you’re ready for the check.”

“Yes, please,” Connie says. “All together.”

We manage to finish our meal and pay the bill without any more crying. An hour later, we are shopping at the mall in a Bath and Body. Connie is smelling various lotions when I speak.

“Thank you,” I tell her.

She glances up at me, confused. “For what?”

“For everything,” I say. “For being you. Not a lot of women could continue to be as amazing as you’ve been to me and Sophie. I walked away from the car crash that killed your son. I totally would understand if you were bitter toward me.”

She sets down the lotion to face me. “Jaden, I could never be bitter toward you for any reason. You’re part of our family, whether Matt is here or not. Did you know that I loved you the first day I met you? We weren’t kidding when we said that Matt talked about you constantly. It was Jaden this and Jaden that every second of the day. That first night you came for dinner, I could immediately see why he was smitten with you. You were so respectful and so great with the girls. I saw the way you looked at Matt. You really liked him. I knew the chances of it turning into something real were slim since you were both so young, but every year you proved that you were the one for him. If I could ever choose the person Matt would spend the rest of his life with, it would be you, every time. I know you two never married, but I will always consider you my daughter-in-law.”

I fan my face as I feel the tears coming back. “Jeeze, are we just going to cry all damn day?”

Connie laughs and pulls me to her in a hug. “New rule. No more tears and no more sappy talk. We are shopping. We are having fun!”

I laugh and nod my head. “Agreed.”

“I just have one more question.”

“Shoot.”

“How does this smell?” She grabs a bottle of lotion and squeezes it so hard some of it comes out and lands on my nose.

I laugh and wipe it off. “Hmmm, vanilla, my favorite.”

She leans in and lowers her voice to a whisper. “Now, let’s get out of here before they make us pay for that. They’re so stingy in this store.” With that, we run out of the store, giggling like a couple of middle school girls.

The rest of the afternoon is filled with laughter. We get manicures, visit a few more stores, and window shop. On the way home, we stop and grab ice cream for everyone.. The four of us sit around joking and talking while everyone munches on ice cream and Sophie crawls around. I even give her a couple bites of mine. She seems to be in love with it.

“Uh oh, looks like she’s addicted just like her mama.” Connie laughs.

Connie insists we stay for dinner and makes fried chicken with mashed potatoes. I realize we haven’t all sat around like this since before Matt passed. I think everyone is aware of this fact and there’s a small hint of sadness in the air because of it, but we still manage to enjoy ourselves. If Matt is looking down on us, I know he’d be happy to watch us all spending time together.

Well after dark, Sophie and I finally pack up and head home. I get Sophie settled into bed and sit down to watch a movie on TV.  I’m about halfway through the movie when my phone goes off.

I glance at it to see I have new message from Cole.

Are you busy?

I reply
,
Nope. What’s up?

Within a minute, my phone rings and I answer it.