Letting Go (3 page)

Are you taking a break, cuz my momma took a break and...

Mackenzie’s words pingponged around in Clarissa’s brain. Her momma had taken a few breaks over the years—of course, that turned out to be a blessing. Her heart softened a little more and she felt herself falling and then she slid right on in to crazy.

“Bev was saying something about you needing a sitter next week.”

“Hmmm,” he said acknowledging her comment but not really taking her up on the obvious suggestion. She was nuts for volunteering, but no way was he going to just toss the offer away.

“I’m not a serial killer or anything. And we’d just hang out at Pete’s and color or something.”

“You don’t just color or something with Mack,” he said, and for the life of her Clarissa couldn’t figure out what she’d done to upset him, but she couldn’t really get into that since they were standing outside the door to a Sunday School class, and it was time to find out if Mackenzie was right and people weren’t mean here or if this would be one more replay of past church experiences.
 

They weren’t mean. In fact, most people recognized her from Pete’s and welcomed her unequivocally. Of course, there were plenty of speculative glances at the two of them together, but she took care of that by repeating Mackenzie’s oft quoted explanation of “Mackenzie invited me so she could get 100 points and beat the boys,” and that always ended in a knowing nod and smile followed by “smart girl,” “precious,” or “she’s a handful, but she sure is a sweetie.”

Jed stiffened at the last one almost imperceptibly, and Clarissa felt her heart go out to him even though he was way too tough on his daughter and somewhat of a jerk for assuming she couldn’t handle a couple hours alone with his kid.
 

After church ended, they picked Mackenzie up and she told them she was marrying one of the twins one day and then yawned great big and promptly fell asleep in the truck on the way back to Pete’s. Clarissa worried at the hem on her shirt sleeve before finally saying what she’d been thinking for hours instead of listening to the Sunday School leader or the preacher.

“She’d be fine with me. We wouldn’t even have to leave the restaurant if that would make you feel better.” As she said the words, she asked herself why it mattered, why it was so important. It was his problem. Not hers. Getting involved was a colossal bad idea. And his reluctance was her out. She should let this go.

“If you kept her cooped up in Pete’s for two hours after school he’d fire you and possibly kill Mack.”

At least his reluctance was tempered with humor this time. Humor didn’t make her feel so bad.

“You do know he’s a total sweetheart, right?”
 

He just hmm’d again, something he was a little too expert at.

“I could get her to help fill the salt and pepper shakers. She’d have a blast. And if we needed something else to do, we’d move on to sugar. And if we ran out of sugar, she could wash tables. Come on. She’ll be fine. And Bev totally loves her.”

He acknowledged that truth with a small nod then finally shrugged, giving in to the obvious solution to his problem. “I guess we can give it a try. But if you want out after day one, you say the word, and I can make after-care arrangements.”

With the teachers whose hands were full. Clarissa didn’t know this for a fact, but it seemed to her that some people classified Mackenzie’s spirit as something that needed to be tamped down. Once upon a time, she’d had spirit like that.

“We’ll be fine,” she said with more surety than she felt.
 

*****

Clarissa handed Mackenzie an anti-bacteria wipe and showed her how to wipe down the tables at the same time she looked at the clock above the register. She wasn’t sure this was going to take the whole time after all. She swallowed a bit of panic and tried to focus on Mackenzie’s new story.

“There was this mermaid named Lemmalu an’ she loved plums. This story’s in the bible, Clarissa, so pay attention and you’ll learn a memory verse, too.”

“Lemmalu the Mermaid is the bible?” Clarissa laughed at Mackenzie’s active imagination.
 

“Yes. And Lemmalu’s momma went on a break to Las Vegas.”

Danger zone. Clarissa wondered if she should redirect the story, but Mackenzie kept right on going.

“And her daddy had a seaweed farm. Hey, Clarissa, guess what!”

“You want purple hair.”

“No, silly,” Mackenzie giggled. “This boy named Mi Nguyen brought seaweed sticks for us to eat one day. They looked like green Fruit Roll-Ups but they tasted like grass. I still said thank you, but seaweed is gross. Do you want me to get Mi to bring you a seaweed?”

The bell over the diner door jingled and Jed strolled in saving Clarissa from having to answer that question.

Well, that was interesting.

Mackenzie was standing on one of the red booth benches twirling a wash cloth in circles above her head talking about seaweed while a tired looking Clarissa used a bottle filled with clear liquid to spray the tables.

The bell over the door served as his calling card, and Mackenzie turned toward him with her big smile that reminded him of all the good things in life.

“Daddy!” She jumped down and ran to him wrapping her little arms around his legs until he pulled her up for a giant bear hug.

He owed Clarissa big time for this.

“I got to read today, Daddy. And I didn’t get no sticks pulled. I got to put a star by my name.”

Good day.

Clarissa wiped her hands on her jeans. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail. Her face looked a little whiter than it had yesterday.
 

“You feeling okay?”

“Yep.” Her small chuckle sounded like she was feeling anything but. He wondered if she had anyone to help her if she was sick. Or anyone to talk to if she needed help.

“I don’t think there’s a way I can repay you for helping me today. We were able to get the first trees out today. Should be done tomorrow. Can we at least make you dinner?”

Mack pushed back until he put her on the floor. “I can help Daddy make Mac’roni ‘n cheese and fish sticks and I can show you my room and my tree house and Flower and Blue.”

The wistful look on Clarissa’s face said she wanted to say yes. But she shook her head. “Can’t tonight. Work. Speaking of, I better go get ready.”

Guilt speared through him at how tired she sounded. He started to suggest after-care for tomorrow instead, but she jumped up and disappeared so fast he wondered if he’d done something to offend her.

Mackenzie’s worried words echoed his thoughts.

“We better stay here, Daddy. I don’t think Clarissa got to say goodbye.”

Mackenzie was right. They couldn’t just leave Clarissa alone.

Clarissa leaned against her kitchen counter and tried to stop her heart from hurting.

How had she let this happen?

How had she let herself get so wrapped up with a five-year-old kid? Seeing Mackenzie in Jed’s arms, love so obvious, was suddenly killing her.
 

She’d spent years without close relationships, told herself it was the only way to protect her heart. So how come she hurt so bad now?

She wiped away a tear angrily. She hadn’t cried in years. This was ridiculous.
 

A knock on the apartment door startled her, but then she heard Mackenzie’s loud whisper.

“Do you think she’s here, Daddy? She might be taking a break.”

Oh God, help. The prayer slipped before Clarissa could stop it. Even though she knew the truth. God couldn’t or wouldn’t help this. Mackenzie’s mom had bailed. And nothing God did was going to make it better. She could, though. No way was she going to let the little girl think she was on a “break.”

She took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Hey, you guys. Surprise.” Making her voice sound as normal as possible, she opened the door wider, invited them in to the dark little space. “Sorry about taking off so fast. I’m going to run go get ready for work. You go ahead make yourselves at home. I’ll be out in a minute.”

She escaped into the bathroom and heard Jed call through the door. “We were just worried about you. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

Just peachy. Powering through and powering on. That was her motto. “I’m good. Just in a hurry.”

She stuffed her shirt in her pants, grabbed her apron and wished she’d left Jed and Mackenzie outside the apartment while she was getting ready. She’d already let the little girl in her heart. Her space needed to be off limits.
 

Slipping her Crocs on, she walked into the living room where Jed and Mackenzie were sitting on the ugly green couch, still in the dark because she hadn’t flipped on the one light.

She reached over, turned the knob and practically groaned when it didn’t work. Light bulbs were on her list to pick up next payday.

“I should’ve said goodbye at the diner. Mackenzie and I had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” She turned to the little girl, and tried not to worry about how dizzy she suddenly felt. “Did you show your dad what all we did?” she asked even though she knew the answer. They must’ve practically followed her out of the restaurant.

“I told him about it. Hey, Clarissa, where’s your pictures and stuff?”

No pictures, no stuff. Not in a long time. She shrugged. “Don’t have any yet because I’m new in town.” No sense saying it wasn’t worth getting stuff since she wouldn’t be in Stearns long.

Mack frowned. “I’m gonna color you a picture tonight. An’ tomorrow you can put it up in that place by your door with the hole in the wall.

Terrific. The ache in her throat grew ten times larger.

“You do that, Mackenzie. I’ll put it right there,” she pointed to the shadowed place on the wall where someone had obviously had a photo hanging in the past at the same time she tried to ignore the worry in Jed’s eyes.

Finally, she decided to just face that look head on. “It’s fine, I’m fine, it’ll all be okay.” Then she slapped her hands on her thighs and stood up. “Thank you for checking on me. But now, I’ve got to get to work.”

If things had gone as planned, she would’ve been fine.

Instead, when she stood up, the world around Clarissa started spinning and then went dark.

Jed moved as quickly as he ever had when Clarissa’s body started to crumple. He’d known something was wrong, but he’d ignored all good sense and let her convince him everything was okay.

Her pulse was strong under his fingertips, but man, her face was white. Obviously, something was very wrong here.

 
“Mack, grab my phone and call Bev now.”

Mack pulled the phone out of his shirt pocket and hit the numbers then held the phone to him when Bev answered.

A few seconds later Bev was barreling her way up the creaky stairs. It wouldn’t take long and Clarissa’s little apartment was going to be full to overflowing.

Before Bev made it in the door, Clarissa’s eyes fluttered open and she looked at him and Mack with a combination of horror and embarrassment.

“What on earth?” the words started, but something different flickered in her blue eyes before she closed them with a muttered, “oh great.” Then they snapped open and she started trying to push herself up.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, just…”
 
Sitting up too quickly, she blinked then blew out a deep breath. “Really, I’ll be okay.”

And then Bev was there and Mack was crying, and he stepped back even though he didn’t want to because right now he had to be the dad and not the concerned friend.

“It’s okay, sweetie. She’s fine. See,” he said turning to Mack.

Clarissa repeated his words, but he saw Mack’s tears were upsetting Clarissa as much as anything else.

Holding out her hand, Clarissa asked for help standing. Jed could tell asking for help wasn’t easy for her, but she had more color in her face, and at least she was acknowledging the fact that getting up on her own wasn’t going to be easy.

“I’ll go tell Pete he needs to call in someone to cover,” Bev said, but Clarissa shook her head. “I’ll be fine. Just give me a second.”

Only everyone in the room could tell that wasn’t true.

“You need to see a doctor,” he said, even though he could tell she wasn’t interested in his opinions.

“Doctors cost money, and...” she trailed off instead of finishing the thought when she looked up at him. “I’ll go tomorrow.”

“He’ll give you sticker if you’re good,” Mack said, inching closer to Clarissa and patting her knee, comforting her new friend.

Clarissa smiled down at his daughter then opened her arms for the hug Mackenzie so desperately wanted to give. His little girl was no dummy, and Clarissa’s body language screamed “keep off”. The minute her arms opened, though, Mack, dove in and hugged her tight, and Clarissa returned the hug, if somewhat awkwardly.

Warning alarms warred with concern.

“Look,” he said, “I’m no medical expert on fainting, but you need to go to the doctor sooner rather than later.”

“I think I just need some food,” Clarissa said as Mack wriggled back and plopped to the floor. “I forgot to eat lunch. I bet my blood sugar’s all messed up.”

Her shaking hands gave proof to that theory, but it didn’t make him feel any better.

“I’ll go get you a sandwich and be right back,” Bev said, stepping out the door and leaving them alone together again in the small, dark apartment that didn’t really tell him anything about this woman who might be sick, who had formed a bond with his daughter. A bond that could hurt Mack.

He made up his mind then. She was going to see Doc Anson now, and they’d stay with her to make sure she was okay. But tomorrow, his daughter was going to after-care.
 

Clarissa decided arguing with Jed about when to go to the doctor was pointless. He wasn’t budging. And he threatened to send Mackenzie to Bev’s while he stayed at her apartment all night to make sure she was okay, if that’s what it took.
 

The Stearns doctor didn’t have a problem when she showed up without an appointment. His house served as an office as well. His wife, the nurse. What once had been a living area had been turned into a waiting room with toys on one side and magazines on the other. Kleenex boxes sat strategically on tables around the room, and a wheelchair sat by the front door.