Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (18 page)

“You slow your roll.”

“You’re an idiot.  She’s not Cora.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s right James.  Fuck me.”  He got up and headed to the door.  “Paul called me last night, after talking to Cal.  Cal asked him to look in on her.  Cora broke your trust, never Paul
and never Cassidy.”  With that he left, the door slamming behind him. 

I found myself in my room, shedding the clothes I wore before bracing myself against the dresser.  
My iPod was staring me in the face and I hit play, grabbed the bottle and went and sat in the chair by the window. 
Always
by Killswitch Engage
started its deep, throbbing tone.  Leaning my head against the top of the chair, I
wanted the song drown out my thoughts, but it just made them worse.  I wanted to be with her and had committed to do so, as long as she’d have me.  What if she was telling the truth about Paul?

I took another swig as memories from the desert started popping into my vision.  Drinking beyond my limit was never a good idea.  Instead of drowning the memories, it rehashed them. 

“Diesel, Smith!  Where are you?”  We’d been out here for days, at least that’s how it felt.  There was another explosion as dust clouded my vision.  Half our squad was already dead.  I had to find them and get us out of here, if I could.  They were my brothers and we left together.  Dead or alive. 

“Beast!”  I heard my nickname called.  Spinning around I tried to focus on where it came from.  “Beast!  We’re over here.”

I moved as fast as I could and found Smith holding on to Diesel.  He was covered in blood and unconscious.  “Paul, wake up man.”

“I’ve tried.  He needs a medic.  We need to get out of here.” 

We made it out of there with Smith carrying Paul over his shoulder.  Fire was exchanged as I radioed for help.  They were on their way, but I wasn’t sure they’d make it in time. 

“Chopper’s coming.”  We sought cover as
more shots were fired.  “Did anyone else get out?”

“I only saw
Frogger, Surfer and Hank make it on the last chopper.”

“Shit.”

Another shot whizzed by our heads.  Pulling out my scope, I started looking for him.  He was overhead and had the advantage.  Dust flew up in front of us and helped me find him.  He was a terrible shot.  I found him.  Taking a deep breath, I let it out and fired, taking him out.

“We need to get out of here, find higher ground.”

Smith was right.  I threw a grenade to act as a diversion as we took off.  We managed to get out about fifty yards before the firing started back up.  Smith was hurting and wouldn’t be able to carry Paul much longer.  In the distance we could hear the chopper flying in as they radioed to us.  Giving our new location, they dropped some heavy weight before swinging around to get us.

“
Smith, get him to the chopper.  I’ll cover you.”  Smith followed orders as I spotted another shooter.  I fired, taking him down and turned to run.  The last thing I remember is Smith yelling over me, throwing me over his shoulder as blood filled my eyes.

I woke and the music was still playing.  I pulled myself from the chair, turned the music off and fell into bed.  In the morning I was sick, nothing surprising given the amount of liquor I drank.  I sent an email to my receptionist and told her to move my meetings, that I wouldn’t’ be coming in
.  I drank a glass of water, popped some ibuprofen and went back to bed.

M
y dreams were filled with Cassidy and I, then Paul and Cassidy.  I woke up furious.  After working out and showering, I headed downstairs.  I had a missed call from Annie, but she also sent a text.  Jane was out on bond.  At least it was a little good news.  I fought against myself all day on whether or not to call Cassidy, or even Paul.  I did neither.

Mom
called to confirm we were coming for dinner.  I told her I’d be there, but wasn’t sure if Cassidy could make it.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her anything more.  After hanging up with her, Calvin called.  We got into a three-way call with Smith and discussed where we were at.  Smith was still working on the footage and hoped to have something by the end of the week.

After ending my call with them, it rang again.  It was Annie.  “What’s up Annie?”

“What did you do?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.  I just left Cassidy’s office.  She’s a wreck.”

“Annie, she slept…”

“I don’t want to hear it.  I believe her.  Don’t be an idiot.”

“Would everyone stop calling me that, please?  For fuck’s sake.”

“She’s not that girl who hurt you and betrayed you in the Army.”

“Goodbye, Annie.”

“Make this right, James.”

Hanging up the phone, I threw it on the counter.  Maybe everyone was right and I was making a mountain out of a molehill. 
Looking at the clock, I decided to head to my parent’s.  I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d dare show her face. 

Mom was resting and Dad was out when I got there.  I was hovering in the foyer, after watching some TV when I heard a car pulling up the drive.  She walked in the door as my phone rang.  I couldn’t bear to look at her and answered the phone, walking out of the foyer.

“Smith, what’s up?”

“Is Cassidy there?”

“Yes.  Why?”

“She just called me in a panic.  Dan was outside her building today and he threatened her.”

“What?  What did he do?”  He explained what Cassidy had described.  “Why did she call you?”

“You tell me, James.”  He mumbled something to someone he was with about tracing his plates.  “I’m going to try to call Melissa and see if she has any kind of update.”

“Alright.  Keep me posted.”

I found her in the living room flipping through the channels.  “I’m surprised you came.”  She flinched slightly before her shoulders relaxed.

“I’m surprised you care.”

I deserved that.  “I just got off the phone with Smith.”

“I figured.”

“Would you please look at me?”

“What for?”

I moved to stand in front of her.  After a moment she looked up at me, her eyes icy. 
“You’re acting like a child, Cassidy.”

She stood up and smacked me across the face.  “Fuck.  You.”  Then she walked away from me.  “I knew this was a mistake.”

What did she mean?  Coming here or marrying me?  I had to stop her.  “Cassidy, wait.”  My cheek burned where she slapped me.

“Go to hell.”  She was pulling her coat out of the front closet and headed for the door which I now stood in front of.  “Let me go.”

“Not until we talk.”

“I tried talking to you last night you asshole.  You didn’t care to talk then and I don’t care to talk now.”

“Got anymore curses to throw at me?”

“Let’s see.  Prick, douchebag, cocksucker…”

“I am no cocksucker.”  I couldn’t help but smile as she glared at me, trying to hold back her own grin.

“I’m not doing this with you, James.”

“You’re my wife, we’re doing this.”

“Wife!”  Both our heads turned to see my father staring at us.  “You’re married?”

“Dad.  We need to talk to you.”

“I’d say so.  Maybe we should wait for your mother to wake up.”

“NO!”  We said it in unison, knowing she didn’t need all the details.

“She’ll be ecstatic!”

“Dad, please sit down.”

I did most of the talking when we were back in the living room.  Cassidy, trying to keep her distance from me, sat in the arm chair as dad and I sat on the couch.  He couldn’t believe his ears.  I left out the possibility that Cassidy already wanted an annulment. 

“I underestimated you, my girl.”

“Yeah, I’m
hearing that a lot.”

He walked over to her and pulled her into a hug.  “Eva will be overjoyed.  We’ll tell her at dinner, but keep out the bits about you lying to the police.”

“Sounds good.”

I tried making eye contact with her, but she avoided me at every turn.  We made it through dinner, across from one another.  Mom was crying she was so happy.  My heart was softening toward Cassidy and I was beginning to think that I was
indeed wrong.  She was telling the truth and if she wasn’t, I was happy playing the fool.  We updated mom on Jane and she seemed less concerned than she originally was.  We were all confident we would find the true perpetrator.

After dinner, Cassidy walked with mom to her room.  They were in there for a long time before Cassidy came out.  I met her in the hall and she told me, “She wants to talk to you.”

“Okay.  Please wait for me.  We need to talk.”

Cassidy
simply nodded as I headed back to mom’s room.  Mom was sound asleep already.  I placed her frail hand in my own and she opened her eyes.  “Jimmy.  What is it son?”

“Cassidy said you needed to talk to me.”

“No.  I’m good.  Go be with your bride.”

That
defiant woman.  I was going to throttle her.  I kissed mom on the cheek and hurried out of the room.  Cassidy was nowhere in sight.  When I glanced out the front windows, her car was gone.

“Dammit.”

“James?”

“Sorry, Dad.  I have to run.  We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Word of advice son.  ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘You were right’.  Works every time.”  I rolled my eyes at him and headed out the door.  “Welcome to marriage!”  He was grinning like a fool as I got in the truck and drove away.

C
hapter
18
~
P
romise

~ CASSIDY ~

I was flipping through the channels, not even aware of what was on the TV.  My thoughts were elsewhere.  With him.  A chill ran up my spine and then his voice filled the air.

“I’m surprised you came.” 

I couldn’t help but jerk at his snide comment.  “I’m surprised you care.”  Jerk.  He wasn’t going to make this easy on me.

“I just got off the phone with Smith.”

“I figured.”  I knew Smith wouldn’t keep it from him.  I didn’t want to trouble Cal and I didn’t figure James would take my call.

“Would you please look at me?”

“What for?”  Seriously.  What the hell for?  If I looked at him, I might break down.  I WOULD NOT BREAK!

He walked and stood in front of the TV, like he was impeding my view.  That would require me
to actually be watching it.  I just stared out, everything a blur, before I looked up to him. 

“You’re acting like a child, Cassidy.”

I was raging, close to my breaking point.  How dare he say
I
was acting like a child?  Standing, I slapped him across the face, as hard as I could.  He barely flinched.  “Fuck.  You.”  Walking away I mumbled, “I knew this was a mistake.”  It was time for me to go before things got out of hand.

“Cassidy, wait.” 

“Go to hell.”  I had pulled my coat on and rushed to the front door, which he then blocked.  I had to get out of here before I started breaking shit.  “Let me go.”

“Not until we talk.”

I needed to break shit and if he wasn’t careful, it would be him.  “I tried talking to you last night you asshole.  You didn’t care to talk then and I don’t care to talk now.”

“Got anymore curses to throw at me?”

Bet your ass I do.  “Let’s see.  Prick, douchebag, cocksucker…”

“I am no cocksucker.” 
He was fucking smirking at me, like it was funny. 

FUCK.  Resist Cassidy. 
“I’m not doing this with you, James.”

“You’re my wife, we’re doing this.”
  He went
there
.

“Wife!” 
NO!  I looked to J.J., but couldn’t make eye contact with him.  “You’re married?”

“Dad.  We need to talk to you.”
  James took the lead and for the first time since I had arrived, I was glad to hear him talking.

“I’d say so.  Maybe we should wait for your mother to wake up.”

“NO!” We burst out in agreement.

“She’ll be ecstatic!”

“Dad, please sit down.”

James explained all the nasty details to J.J.  Except the annulment part.  That was neither here nor there.

“I underestimated you, my girl.”  J.J. looked to me and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m
hearing that a lot.”  I was a fool to think I would make everything better by going to the police station.  Before I knew it, J.J. was hugging me.

“E
va will be overjoyed.  We’ll tell her at dinner, but keep out the bits about you lying to the police.”

“Sounds good.”
  I didn’t know what else to say.

I felt his eyes on me and continued to resist losing myself in his glare.  He made it clear he didn’t want me
there and I was planning to leave the first chance I got.  It probably would’ve been easier to avoid his eyes had I sat next to him at dinner instead of across from him.  Eva was wiping away tears of joy at one point, ignorant to the tension between us.  He was boring a hole into me and I felt like I might suffocate. 

Eva asked me to walk her to her room and I abided.  We made it inside and I noticed it much changed since last I saw her
there.  There was now a hospital bed setup, with machines and other pieces of medical equipment.  Her nurse helped her back into bed and then left the room, giving us some privacy.

We talked for quite some time and when my tears ceased, I left the room.  She had already fallen asleep.  James was waiting down the hall for me.  Was he hell bent on torturing me? 

“She wants to talk to you.”  It was the only chance I had to leave without another confrontation.  He took the bait without hesitation.

“Okay.  Please wait for me.  We need to talk.”

I nodded and once he turned into her room, I sprinted down the hall.  Thankfully J.J. was nowhere to be seen and I easily escaped out the door.  I hopped in my car and headed home, all fears of where Dan was, forgotten.  My conversation with Eva was fresh in my mind.

“I’m so happy you two tied the knot.  You’ll have a beautiful life together.”

I put on a smile and thanked her.  I couldn’t let her know anything was wrong.  It was the only thing I had to give her; the thought of my happily ever after with her son.  She made no qualms about admitting that was what she wanted.  And, I wanted it too.

I wiped the tears away and
struck the steering wheel.  My phone started ringing that fucking ringtone, his ringtone, and I put it on vibrate before chucking it on the passenger floor.  Parking in the garage, I saw his lights pull up the drive as the door was closing.  Walking in the garage door, I came through toward the front door and tried closing the door against him as it started to open.

“Go away.  You’re not wanted here.”

“I’m not leaving until we talk.”

I knew it was pointless.  Releasing the door, I turned and marched upstairs with him right behind me.  I threw my door closed behind me, but he was already through it.  Standing with my back to him as I tried to compose myself, I heard his steps come closer.

“Don’t touch me.”  I knew if he touched me, he would immediately have the advantage.  His steps ceased.

“Cassidy.  I’m sorry.  I was wrong.”

WHAT!  Now he was saying those words.  I turned on him, spitting out, “About what?  You shredded me.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.  I should’ve believed you.”  He was walking closer and I didn’t stop him when he pulled me to him.

“Yes, you should’ve.”  My head was resting on his chest.

“Please, Blackbird.  Please.  I’ll do anything.”

“We can’t keep doing this.  It hurts so much.  You’re killing me, slowly.  I don’t know if I can live like this.”

“I’ll do anything, give you anything.  What do you want?”

“I want you.  Only you.”

“You have me, we’re married.”

If that’s what he thought I meant he was a bigger idiot than I thought.  “I don’t want your name.  I want YOU.”  I pulled back and beat my fists on his chest and repeated it, “I want you.”

He
grasped my wrists in his hands and put them behind my back.  “You have me.”  My eyes were closed and I felt his nose skim the length of mine.

“You think you’ve given yourself to me, but you haven’t.  You’re still keeping parts of yourself hidden from me.”

“The things hidden from you are for your protection.  I can’t relive those memories with you.  The flashbacks and nightmares alone, nearly kill me.  My heart, soul and body are yours, Cassidy.  But my mind, parts of it are just too damaged to share.”

“Promise me you’ll stop pushing me away anytime things get rough.”  I opened my eyes and saw that his were closed.  “James, you’re my person.  The first person I want to talk to when anything exciting
or horrible happens.  Let me be yours.  Please.”

“I’m so used to being my own person.”

“James, if you can’t try, this will never work.  A person can only take so much of your Jekyll and Hyde routine.”

He let out a big breath and sighed, “I’ll try Cassidy.  I promise.
”

My fingers fell to his face, without thought, and he leaned into my hand.  Was I making a mistake?  How many times had we gone through this in just a short few months?  I’d lost count.  Could I handle a lifetime of this?  I looked into his eyes and knew that I would probably go through this with him till the day I died, if it meant he was standing in front of me, looking at me the way he was
in that moment.  I knew I was a fool. 

“Blackbird…”

“Stop that.  You know I can’t resist you when you call me that.”

“I know.”

I yanked myself from his hold.  “I’m still angry with you.”

“I know that too.”  He leaned in to kiss me and I vehemently objected.  There was no way I was going to make this easy.  “Just say your safe word and this is over.  I won’t stop pushing until then.”

“I have a hard limit.”  His eyes searched mine.  “No more leaving in the middle of the night.  I can’t take it.”

“Cassidy.”

“JAMES!”

“It’s not that I don’t want to stay, it’s that I can’t sleep.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to leave.  I’d rather be awake with you than wake up feeling abandoned.”

He seemed to be digesting my words as he stared at me.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize that’s how you felt.”

“Well, now you know.”  My hands gripped his shirt as I placed my forehead on his chest.  “I can’t breathe without you.”  His hands started to come around my back and I moved to my dresser.  My iPod was sitting there and I moved to it and hit play on one of my favorite songs, knowing it was on repeat.

As the soft, melodic tune played
, I waited to see what he would do.  Since the first time I heard the song, as a teenager, I loved it.  I lost myself in the song, hearing and feeling nothing else except
Fade Into You
by Mazzy Star
.  I was still wearing my coat, so I took it off and threw it on the floor by the door.  His eyes followed me as I moved through the room, waiting to see what I’d do next
.  I wasn’t even sure if I knew.  I bent over to remove my boots and like a bolt of lightning, he was crouched down in front of me, removing them for me. 

His hands traveled up my calves
just behind my knees and back down.  I grabbed a fistful of hair, tilting his head so that his eyes were where I could see them.  He looked remorseful and like he would do anything I asked.  All I wanted was for him to take charge.  I was sick and twisted.  I pushed away from him, but not before he stood, grabbing my arm and yanking me against his body.  With my back to his torso, his arms encircled me as he swayed with me to the rhythm of the song. 

I felt his hot breath against my temple as he began knocking down my walls
.  My eyes closed and my head fell back.  He was nuzzling my neck as I turned my head further to give him access.  His hands held me on each side, just under my breasts before he moved them down to the hem of my tunic length sweater.  Once he was there he moved them underneath and proceeded to brand my skin with his touch.  I lifted my arms without regret as he removed it from me.  As the sweater fell to the floor, his hands came to rest on my shoulder blades, pushing the straps of my bra down and off my arms.

Needing him closer, I tried turning to face him, but he ceased my movement.  Slowly, he guided me across the room as his hands found mine and lifted them above my head.  He placed them on the wall in front of me and I flashed back to our time in the elevator and moaned. 

“Don’t move.” 

I wasn’t sure if he really said it or if I was just remembering what he had said in th
at elevator.  My breasts felt the chill as he unclasped my bra and it fell from around my trembling body.  Careful not to move my arms from their position above us, I tried leaning back into him.  I came face to face with the wall as his body pressed against me.  I attempted to push back against him once more.

“Stop it.”

“Make me.”  I was playing with fire, we both knew it.  I wanted to be completely immobile, with only him on me and in me.  “I want to remember that you were here.”

“You’ll never forget I was here.  I own you.”  He finally pressed against me as his hand traveled up the inside of my thighs.

Gasping once he clutched me, I whispered, “Prove it.”

“I think you want me to lose control
.”

“Make it hurt.”

“Cassidy.”  He spun me around.  “What’s gotten into you?”  I couldn’t look at him, it hurt too much. 

“If you make it hurt enough, maybe I won’t like it anymore.  I don’t want to like it anymore.”

He cupped my cheek and brought his eyes down to mine.  “Cassidy, it’s who you are and there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a little consensual pain.”  It seemed like he had more to say, but didn’t. 

“I more than enjoy it.  You’ve ruined me.”

“Baby, I didn’t ruin you.  You’ve ruined
me
, wrecked me on your shores of love and acceptance.  I love you.”

He leaned down to kiss me, his eyes watching to see if I would resis
t him again.  Closing my eyes, I wrapped my hands around his forearms, bracing myself for what was to come. His kiss burned into my soul.  Frantically my hands pulled at his shirt in search of his skin.  He pulled away, pulling his shirt over his head and then yanked me roughly against him.  He was so warm, I wanted to bury myself under his skin.