Leverage (8 page)

I found the tune comforting and couldn’t help but quietly sing the lyrics. It was a sad song about a man whose life was out of control and had reached rock bottom, ruined and fragile, but he’s still searching for something, redemption, the tranquility of love and friendship. Though it had been composed before I was born, it felt as though it had been written
for
me and
about
me. Retreating into the lonely world of the last two months, I closed my eyes, and let the melancholy of the song take over.

I didn’t realize Nova had joined me on the sofa until I’d finished. She placed her hand along my arm and pulled me from my trance. She stared at me with those huge gold and green eyes of hers. They’d filled with tears ready to brim over, even as she smiled at me.

She shook her head. “That was so beautiful, so sad. God, you made me want to cry.”

I reached out and smudged a single tear as it escaped down her cheek. “You did,” I replied and held up my damp finger.

She grabbed it with both hands and wiped it off, like she was embarrassed, while I considered it the single best compliment I’d ever received.

Nova jumped up and bounced back into the kitchen. “Play something else while I steam some milk,” she said then returned to twittering around the kitchen.

I played another song, a happier tune from Pearl Jam. She carefully brought two chipped, mismatched coffee mugs over to the glass cocktail table, cautious not to spill. They looked professionally crafted, with artfully arranged images in the foamy steamed milk topping. Mine was a leaf. Nova blushed when I noticed hers was a heart.

We sat and sipped our drinks between songs, chatting and laughing. She didn’t seem to get tired of hearing me play or sing, and I certainly wasn’t tired of watching her fidget with her long, dark hair, wrapping the curly ends around her fingers as her eyes remained glued to my face. When the coffee was gone and my fingertips ached from sliding across the taut steel strings, Nova stood, carried our empty cups to the sink, and began washing them out.

“You know, Conner, I work at Rush Hour, that coffee house down on University near the post office?” she said, as if a question.

“Yeah, I know it.”

She peeked up at me while she dried the cups with a dishtowel. “Well, they’re open late most nights, with musicians who play from seven to ten. You should come down and audition. My boss, Greg? He’d love your stuff, all that old Seattle grunge. He’s totally into that shit.”

My brow shot up. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she said as she walked toward the front door.

I slung my guitar over my back and joined her. She offered me her hand, and I took it, careful not to show how eager I was, yet desperate enough to give it a gentle squeeze, code for
please, please, come back again.

“So, should I tell Greg to expect you?”

I shrugged. “Sure. Why the hell not?”

She beamed another gorgeous smile. “Good! Tonight, after closing. Nine-forty-five.”

She got serious then, her eyes intense as they shot straight through me, and her lips fairly screamed for me to kiss them, or maybe that was just me. But I leaned in anyway, just enough to let her know I wanted to, but not so much that I looked over confident. She tucked her hair behind one ear and started to close the distance. That was enough for me to move in, as well. My gaze flitted from her mouth to her eyes and back again until we were too close. Her lids fluttered shut, her mouth an inch from mine. I was that close to tasting heaven.

Then a loud, quick knock sounded at the door, startling us both and making us jump back in embarrassment. Nova chuckled and covered her mouth.

“I gotta go anyway,” she admitted. “But I hope we can do this again. Really soon.” She fluttered her lashes and look toward the floor as she pulled her hand from mine.

“Okay,” was all I managed to get out before she cracked the door open. I pulled it wide to let her through, and my heart nearly seized in my chest when I saw who was standing on the other side.

Oh dear God, no.

Katy wore the biggest, brightest smile I’d ever seen, at least on
her
face, but it faded when she glimpsed Nova at my side. Her eyes turned hard, the crystalline blue like ice, and her teeth disappeared behind the thin, rigid line of her lips. I’d never seen Katy look that way. It was more than anger, more than jealously, even more than hatred. But for the life of me, I could not figure out what it was exactly, and in the moment it took for me to breathe, it was gone, and her gaze focused on me.

“Conner!” she exclaimed and brought her fingers to her lips, as if in prayer.

I stood there in shock. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. Ms. Gonzalo thought I was prepared for this moment, but I knew all along I wasn’t. I felt like I’d been pulled into a wormhole at warp speed, yet I stood still while the universe sped by in a blur. And all I could see clearly was Katy.

A tug on my wrist nudged me from my paralysis. I turned my head and saw Nova, her brow high but drawn together.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

I felt my head nod, but had no recollection of commanding it to do so.

“Well, then, I’ll go and let you and your…
friend
here visit.”

“Oh, um…sorry. Nova, this is Katy,” I said, pointing toward her. “She’s my…or was…my best friend’s girlfriend.”

Nova’s expression was pleasant, but not quite real somehow, frozen like a doll as she glanced at Katy with the appropriate amount of sympathy. “Oh, I’m so sorry. He was the guy at McMahon, right? The one who was pushed off the balcony?”

Katy returned the same bizarre look. “No, actually, he jumped,” she replied. Then she looked at me, composed, but obviously irritated, as if we were late for some prearranged meeting and Nova was holding us up. “Conner, do you have a minute to talk…
alone
?” she asked then turned to Nova, her grin slight but serious. “It’s important.”

Nova gave my arm a double-handed squeeze. “No problem. Conner, I’ll see you tonight. Bring the acoustic.”

She brushed by Katy, who refused to give an inch or even further acknowledge Nova. But my eyes remained locked on my neighbor as she walked away. As soon as her door closed, Katy pushed me back into my apartment, slamming the door shut with her foot. She pulled me into her body, her arms around my neck then sliding down my back, but only for a second before she wrenched my face to hers. My body went on autopilot as soon as our mouths crashed together and her hands twisted into my hair.

I ignored the distant voice in my head, the one reminding me of all I’d been taught just a month earlier. It was easy, at first, as it was barely a whisper, but as our clothes came off and the floor reached up to meet us, it became louder, until it was screaming, and I could no longer ignore it.

I peeled myself from Katy’s body and pulled away. “No, wait, please. I can’t do this.”

Katy fought against it and tried to pull me back, but I clasped her hands in mine and pressed them to her chest as I rolled onto my knees then up on my feet.

“No,
stop
,” I insisted, with one hand raised in front of me while the other yanked my jeans back up over my hips.

“What the hell, Conner?” She remained on the floor, raised up on her elbows. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

I turned away as I buckled my belt then pulled my sweatshirt back over my head. Katy snuck up from behind and pressed into my back, her fingers groping at my chest, but I tore myself away and spun around, my hands on her arms as I held her naked body away from mine.

I shook my head. “Yes, of course, but… Katy, I can’t. I just got out of rehab.”

“Rehab?”

“Yes.”

“They have rehab for sex?”

“For everything, the booze, the drugs, the sex. It was the longest thirty days of my life.”

She reached for me. “Because we weren’t together.”

I backed away, my arms up to ward her off. “No, Katy, because I was a fucking mess.” I reached down and collected her things then handed the bundle to her. “Put your clothes back on.” I turned and walked into the kitchen, my back to her as I stood at the sink. “Look, I can’t… I mean… I won’t go back to that. Ever.”

She dressed and walked up to the U-shaped counter, her palms flat on the old cracked tile. I twisted around and leaned my back against the counter’s edge in front of the stained porcelain sink, my arms crossed as I looked down at her. She was calm, collected, and more beautiful than ever, though she looked thinner in her face and very tired with purple smudges beneath her eyes. She glanced down at her hands and began fidgeting with her nails.

“You blame me, don’t you?” she asked.

“Katy—”

“No, it’s okay. I blame me, too. It’s just…” She looked over at me. “I never experienced loss like that, had someone I love die in front of me the way Leo did. I felt empty afterwards, you know? I was just trying to…fill myself back up. I didn’t care with what. I’m sorry you got trapped in the middle of all that.”

I didn’t reply. I just stood there, watching her, wary.

“You were smart to get out, Conner, to run away. Did your parents help?”

I nodded.

“They pay for your rehab?”

Another nod.

She dropped her eyes to the floor. “You’re lucky.”

A third nod. “Yeah, I was.”

I slid my back across the counter’s edge until I reached Katy’s side. She leaned across the countertop, her elbows on the tile and her chin in her hands.

“I’m sorry I left like that,” I said. “I hope you can understand why.”

She didn’t reply or even look at me. She just stood there.

“I had my stepfather, Tyler, search for you while I was away. He couldn’t find you. Nobody knew where you were.”

Katy slipped her fingers over her face, but still, no response.

“What happened to you?” I asked. “Where did you go?”

“Like you care?”

“I did! I still do.”

She snorted, “Yeah, right,” then pushed away and shuffled back to the living room.

“I was worried, you know? Enough to have Ty hire someone to track you down. But…there wasn’t much to track, now, was there?”

She turned and faced me, her hands on her hips. “Excuse me?”

I rounded the kitchen cabinets. “Is it true? You’re not a student at the U-Dub?”

Her arms flew up and she stomped off, plopping down onto the sofa, her feet up on the glass cocktail table. “Is that what your new daddy told you, Conner, the one you swore was keeping secrets and lying about his past?” She leaned an elbow on the armrest, her temple propped against one finger.

I didn’t have a comeback. She reminded me how much I mistrusted Ty, how he’d said himself that it was sometimes necessary to keep secrets. I sat down on the opposite armrest. “Why would he lie about you?”

“I don’t know. Why would he lie about
anything
?” She laid her head back against the sofa. “
You
know me, Conner. A lot better than that lying sack of shit who married your mom. When have
I
ever lied to you?

Not knowing who to trust, I wondered what either of them had to gain by lying. I shook my head and said, “I don’t know.”

“That’s right, because I never have. And I never will.”

“Okay then. Where’ve you been the last six weeks?”

She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, then sat up straight along the edge of the sofa. “Well, at first, I went home, back to Portland. Daddy’s little girl, you know. But even though he was happy to see me, his new wife was not and made it clear she didn’t want me around. I couldn’t really blame her. I was a fucking mess, you know, and I could see the disappointment in my dad’s eyes. Not the first time either. We have
history
,” she said using finger quotes. “And he’s such a big deal down there, big boss man. I didn’t want to embarrass him because his daughter is a drug-addicted loser.” She stood and wandered around the room. “So I left and was basically homeless. I flopped with several friends for a while, but I really wanted to come home, back to school.” She stood by the window and looked out between the blinds. “I just wasn’t sure if I could face you.” Then she turned and did just that. “I called your house, looking for you. A guy answered the first three times. Ty, I guess. But I got your mom the last time, told her I had a few of your things from Leo’s. She didn’t sound too happy to hear from me.”

“Yeah, well, she doesn’t know much, so don’t worry. Did she tell you where I was?”

“Hell, no. She did say you weren’t on campus anymore though. Didn’t take much snooping around to find out where you were.” Her arms rose then flopped back to her sides. “And here I am,” she added with a tight-lipped grin that wasn’t quite a smile.

I stood and nodded, but only because I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t tell if she was telling the truth. “So…are you back at the dorm then?”

She ambled up to me and looked me in the eye. Hers appeared lost and lonely as she shook her head. “No, they wouldn’t take me back. Said I was a disruption or some shit. Even confiscated my passkey.”

My jaw ticked at her blatant lie. “So what’re you gonna do then?”

She looked down and started picking imaginary lint off the front of my sweatshirt.

“I don’t know,” she said then peeked up at me, her eyes all wide and innocent-looking. “I was hoping I could stay with you, just for a week or two, until I get my housing and meal plan money refunded and find a place of my own off campus.”

I pushed her hands away as I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

She pulled back, her brow lifting high behind her shaggy bangs. “Why? Because of your new friend, your neighbor?”

An amused snicker escaped my lips. “Hardly.”

“Who is she anyway?”

“Just a neighbor. I only met her a few hours ago.”

“Really? You two seemed pretty chummy for having just met.”

I returned to the kitchen and pulled a bottled-water from the fridge, cracked it open and took a long swig. “Actually, she came over and reamed me a new one for playing my electric guitar too loud.”

“Interesting,” she said as she joined me by the sink. “Even more so that you invited her in and she ended up staying for, what—a few hours, you said?”

“Yeah, well, we talked. She made some coffee. Nova’s a barista.”

“Nova, is it?” she echoed as her head bobbed. “Huh. Interesting. What kind of name is that, do you think? Nooo-vahhh. Sounds foreign. Eastern European, maybe.”

“Knock it off, Katy. Don’t even go there.”

She snickered, her hand to her heart. “What? I don’t have the right to be a teensy bit jealous? I was your girlfriend—sort of—for a little while, at least. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Katy, listen. I’m really glad to see you again, to know you’re all right, and believe me, I do care for you, but…I can’t go back to the way it was.”

“I’m not asking you to. Besides, I don’t do that anymore. I’ve cleaned myself up, too, you know. I just need a place to stay until I get my refund check. Then I’ll move on. We were really good friends once, Conner. Just because Leo’s gone and we had…well…you know. It doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, support each other. And who knows you better than me anyway? I’d make the perfect houseguest.”

She smiled the way she used to, back before Leo died. That’s the way I tried to think of her. I was in a much better place now. I’d proven that I did have it in me to refuse her and deny myself. Surely I could suck it up and let her stay for a week or two. Maybe I didn’t completely trust Katy, but I did want to help her. Regardless of the promise I’d made to Ty, a huge part of me felt I owed it to Leo, to make up for the things I’d done.

I returned Katy’s smile. “All right, just a couple weeks then.”

I held out my hand. She took it in hers and shook. Her smile deepened and her eyes sparkled like sapphires.

That’s all it took for my stomach to tighten. I recognized it as the first sign.

A craving.

Shit.