Liberty (7 page)

He saw kids playing in the park as he turned the corner. He saw the grocery store and a little drive-in restaurant whose rich-smelling food made his stomach growl, but none of it seemed familiar. After four hours of not a single familiar sight, he went home just as lost as he was that morning.

He found Lexy on the couch, her hand over her eyes. She must have just gotten in because she still had her purse draped over her shoulder.

“Hi, Lexy.” He couldn’t describe the little lift in his chest upon seeing her. She was familiar. In a world where he knew nothing she was his constant. “Lex, honey?”

She didn’t respond. Didn’t stir. He walked a little closer to see that she had fallen asleep. Poor baby. She had been running herself ragged trying to take care of him this past month. She must be exhausted. He needed to find a way to thank her. Without her he would have died.

He turned around and walked out.

When he walked back in she was awake but still on the couch rubbing the chords of her neck.

“You’re home.” She looked mildly surprised to see him. “I thought you were going to stay out with your friends longer.”

“I didn’t see my friends today. I drove around town for a little while and then I picked up dinner.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened. “I was going to cook. What did you end up eating?”

“Nothing yet.” He lifted the bag to show her. “It’s all in here. Relax I’ll get us some plates.”

“Wait.” She blinked at him. “You bought me dinner, too?”

“Of course I did.” He bent to kiss her forehead. “Where do we keep the good plates?”

“We don’t have any good plates.” She frowned at him. “But the regular old plates are in the cabinet to the left of the sink.”

“I’ll be right back. You relax.”

But she didn’t. She got up and followed him to the kitchen. Watching him suspiciously as he put the food on plates.

“You got chicken, biscuits and gravy?” She placed her hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around. “Ryan, do you remember?”

“No. Why?”

“Are you telling me that you didn’t remember that chicken, biscuits and gravy from The Sycamore is my all-time favorite thing to eat?”

He shook his head. “I didn’t. It was a lucky guess.”

She narrowed her eyes. “What are you up to?”

Her tone made him bristle but he tried not to let it show. It was obvious that he had done a lot of things wrong in their marriage. “I have to be up to something every time I get you dinner?”

“Yes! You never brought home dinner before. It’s not going to work, Ryan. There’s no point being sweet now. It’s ten years too late.”

“Damn it, Lexy. It’s just dinner. There’s no ulterior motive. You took care of me for the last month. The least I can do is pick up dinner.”

She turned away from him, rubbing her hands over her face in frustration. “Dinner? That’s all this is?”

“Yes. That’s all this is.”

“I’m going to leave you, Ry. There’s nothing you can do to change my mind. When the time comes you are going to let me go without a fight. You owe me that.”

He nodded. He wasn’t sure why a sinking feeling entered his gut. He didn’t remember her or their time together. A divorce could be a blessing, but right now it didn’t feel that way. He felt like he was in danger of losing something good.

“Sit down, Lex.” He pulled a chair away from the table. “Let’s have dinner together. I promise not to declare my undying love for you until at least dessert.”

She gave him an unwilling smile. “When did you get a sense of humor?”

“My wife is telling me she is going to leave me. I think I need something to laugh about.”

Her smiled faded away. “It’s for the best.”

He nodded again and motioned for her to sit down.

She finally did and he served her a heaping portion of her favorite meal. He watched her in silence for a few moments. So this was her favorite meal. He could tell just by the way she ate it. With her first bite she closed her eyes and moaned, tilting her head back as if savoring the moment. If she looked like that when she ate, what did she look like when she was made love to? Would she close her eyes when he slid his tongue across her lips, or his mouth between her breasts? Would she moan when his slid his hands along her naked body? How would she behave when he pushed inside her? He had a feeling that Lexy was more than what she presented to the world. He was dying to see that side of her.

“What?”

She caught him staring. “Nothing.” He shook his head. “You’re a beautiful girl, Alexa.”

Her cheeks went rosy. “I’m not a girl. I haven’t been one for a very long time.”

She had clearly been through a lot but there was still an innocence about her. And he could still remember her kisses. More like a sweet girl’s than a full-grown woman’s. “What did you do today?”

She looked startled for a moment. “Nothing. Why?”

“You were gone all day. I was just curious.”

“Oh, I—I...” She looked away from him. “I ran some errands.”

She was lying to him. Badly. But he wasn’t sure why. What was she hiding? He didn’t say a word; he just took a bite of his food. “Damn, this is good.”

“Sometimes I just need some time to myself. Okay? Is that so wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Lexy. I understand.” She had spent the last month at his side. Any person would need time alone. “You don’t have to tell me how you spend your time.”

“Stop it, Ryan!” She threw her fork down.

“Stop what?”

“Being understanding. This is not you. I don’t like it.”

“Tell me how I’m supposed to act.” He reached across the table and took her hand. She stiffened, but as soon as he ran his fingers down her palm she relaxed slightly. “You don’t want me to be civil to you. You hate it when I bring you dinner. You throw silverware when I try to be understanding. Tell me what you want from me.”

“I—I...”

In one swift move he yanked her from her chair and into his lap. Her eyes went wide, but he ignored the startled look on her face and pulled her against him. She was so soft and she smelled good and she was the only damn thing in his life he knew was right.

“What?” He slipped his hand beneath her shirt, touching the small of her back. It was tight. Her whole body was tight. He didn’t like it. He shifted her, pulling one leg over his lap so that she straddled him. Her wide-eyed expression turned to shock. He knew she felt his erection stirring, but he didn’t care. He wanted her to know what she did to him without even trying. “Tell me how you want me to act.”

He stroked his hands up her back making sure his fingers came in contact with every inch of skin he could reach. She shut her eyes. Had she always been so sensitive to his touch? Had she always behaved like this each time they were together, like every touch was a new experience? Or was his touch a new experience. If it was, he was a bigger asshole than he thought he was.

“Treat me like you did before you left,” she moaned. “Like you didn’t care about me at all.”

“That’s never going to happen.” He dragged his lips down her throat, leaving hot wet kisses behind. “I can love you. I can hate you, but I could never be indifferent to you.”

She pulled away from him, but he wouldn’t let her get far. “What are you doing to me?”

“This.” He cupped her face in his hands and pulled her mouth to his. He tasted surprise on her lips and a little bit of the sweet iced tea she had been drinking. She was delicious. He pushed his tongue past her lips and this time she opened her mouth a little to allow him entrance. For one long glorious minute she allowed him to kiss her. She didn’t kiss him back, but she was soft and pliant and she draped her arms around his neck, keeping him in place.

She broke the kiss, her eyes still closed. “Enough.”

“Okay,” he said, but it wasn’t enough. Each touch, each kiss made him hungry for more. “Just answer one question.”

“What is it?”

“How could you be so sweet to me, take such good care of me when you want to leave me?”

She blinked at him, then her expression turned troubled. “I don’t know. I grew up with Maybell who was old when I was just a little girl. Sometimes it seemed like I took care of her more than she took care of me. Then there’s Kyle.”

“Kyle?”

“My brother. He died a couple years ago,” she said quickly. “And we live in Liberty, Texas. Little girls are brought up learning how to take care of their husbands. It’s been ingrained in us since birth. There were times when I wanted to put arsenic in your food but there was never a time I didn’t think about making you dinner.”

“Maybe you should stop, then.” He hated saying that but he knew he couldn’t take the hot and cold without snapping. It seemed cruel to reel him in with her actions and push him away with her words. “I think I can manage to do things on my own.”

“But you can’t. You never could and just because you’re out of the hospital doesn’t mean you’re all better. I know you’re in constant pain. I can see it in your face.”

“It’s not more than I can manage.”

“You can’t even make coffee,” she continued as if she hadn’t even heard him. “You’ve never made more than a sandwich in your life.”

He knew he wasn’t as useless at she made him out to be. It just wasn’t him. “Why do you care anyway? You’re leaving me. It might be time I learn to do things for myself.”

“Ryan.”

Right now he couldn’t be around her without saying or doing something he might regret, so he cleared his plate and went into the garage that he supposedly loved so much. Not knowing where he stood with Lexy was too much. She either had to walk out of his life completely or be his wife in every sense of the word. For him there could be no in between and he knew after their first kiss he couldn’t just stand by and watch her go. He needed to figure out how to redeem himself in her eyes. He needed to find a way to keep her in his life for good.

Chapter Nine

P
atsy Cline must have known how Lexy felt when she sang “Crazy.”

Patsy’s moody voice poured from the little radio she kept in the windowsill of their small kitchen, placing Lexy in a trance.

Yes, Patsy had to know what she was feeling. The woman was psychic.

She had lived with Ryan for more than a week now and it wasn’t getting any easier. He was just so...everywhere. After two years living without him she couldn’t seem to get used to having him around. Even when he wasn’t home she felt his presence in their tiny house. She might have been able to tolerate it more if the man she lived with was anything like her former husband. But she saw no traces of the man she had once known.

After he brought her dinner that night he seemed to go out of his way to prove to her that he wasn’t the man she thought him to be. That he wasn’t as useless as he was before. When he went out he told her where he was going and when he was going to be back. And then he came back! He didn’t smell like alcohol or cigarettes or women. He was kind to her. He washed the dishes after she cooked and picked his underwear up off the bathroom floor. He acted like she always prayed he would. And it caused her to be wound tighter than a clock. Ten years of history told her that this wasn’t possible. She knew drunken Ryan. She knew mean Ryan. She didn’t know new Ryan. And the not knowing was driving her to distraction.

He sat across from her every night and told her about his day. He asked questions about hers. He spoke of a world that was entirely new to him. They had conversations. They had been married for ten years and she could count on one hand the amount of conversations they had before he went off to the marines.

She thought she might have hurt his feelings that night over dinner. He didn’t like to be reminded of the man he used to be. He didn’t want to believe it. This past week must have been a show for her benefit. For her to think that she had been wrong about him. Or he was just trying to get into her good graces. Trying to gain her trust. But that wouldn’t work, either. She wouldn’t let him lure her into a false sense of security because as soon as he did he would change back and she would be once again trying to cover up her black eyes.

But there were no signs of the old Ryan yet. Not a single slip back into his usual behavior. Maybe because his memories were buried somewhere in his bruised mind. Or maybe this was how Ryan was when he was sober. She never knew him as sober. She kept waiting for him to come home drunk and that made her so tense she wanted to jump from her skin.

His nearness also caused her skin to prickle... No, to tingle. It was the way he looked at her. Like he was hungry for her. Which was shocking because he hadn’t visited her bed for nearly three years. What shocked her more was that she dreamed about him doing so, even though it was the last possible thing she wanted. But she couldn’t deny that she woke up embarrassingly wet in the middle of the night, her body aching for something it had never experienced.

During the day when he was near her the urge to reach out and stroke his muscled body was difficult to deny. Every time she looked at him she thought about how she felt sitting across his lap, about how his hands knew exactly how she liked to be touched. She was so angry with herself for that. For wanting more. She couldn’t let her body betray her. She could handle Ryan when he was sick. She could leave him if he grew violent but what she couldn’t handle was Ryan when he was sweet.

“Lexy,” Ryan called. “I’m home.”

He was right on time, too.

“I’m in the kitchen.”

He found her there turning down the burner that held a pot of dirty rice. He brushed a kiss across her forehead. He was the one who asked her to keep her distance but every time she was near him he was doing something to get closer to her.

“How was your day?” she asked as he moved past her to wash his hands at the kitchen sink.

He sighed heavily. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“I went to work today and realized I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.”

She laughed at his defeated statement. “Well, of course you don’t. You don’t remember how.”

“You would think that something would come back to me, though. Even if I couldn’t explain what I was doing, like some sort of muscle memory.” He shook his head. “They showed me how to rebuild a carburetor and I did it eventually, but I didn’t like doing it. I didn’t like getting that black gunk under my nails and I hated lying on my back under rusty cars all day.”

He looked over to her and she could see the torture of not knowing who he was was eating away at him.

“I just thought I would enjoy it more. Cars are supposed to be my passion.”

She didn’t want to acknowledge his pain. She didn’t want to feel sorry for him. Because she was leaving him. A few more weeks and Ryan would be on his own.

“You’re such a girl,” she laughed trying to keep the mood light. “Real Texas men don’t care about a little grit under their nails. You say that to the wrong person and they’ll run you out of town.”

He smiled back at her, causing his eyes to twinkle.

“You have a pretty smile, Lexy.” The way he said it, softly, made her cheeks grow warm. She turned her attention back to the pot to avoid his gaze.

“What are you going to do about work? You could quit, but when your memory comes back you’ll realize how much you love it.”

“I’m not going to quit. We need the money. How did you make it when I was gone?”

“You sent enough money to keep me afloat. We’re in debt, though. Ever since you decided to invest our money with Georgie we’ve been in big trouble. But I work at the library and waitress at the Calloway on the weekends. I haven’t worked for a while, so things will be tight for a couple of weeks.”

“How tight?”

“I’m a little worried, but I can pick up a couple of doubles. And if my tank top is tight enough I’ll bring home good tips. We’ll be okay. Don’t worry.”

He frowned. “I don’t want you working double shifts. I should be the one to fix this. But if you want to wear that tank top around the house, I’ll tip you good.”

She bit her lip trying to suppress a smile. New Ryan was a bit of a flirt.

“How are you going to fix this? You planning on knocking over a bank? Are you going to pay the bills with your good looks alone?”

He winked at her. “I am good-looking, aren’t I?”

“You’re too good-looking. That’s why I’m married to you. If you were ugly I might have had a chance.”

That wasn’t true. All she wanted was somebody to love her. She hadn’t cared what that person looked like. Ryan came along and promised to love her and take care of her and fill up the emptiness that she felt. His good looks just added to his allure.

“You were seventeen when we got married?”

Seventeen and stupid.

“Yes. We dated for two months and you charmed the pants right off of me.” She threw a look at him. “Literally.”

“Your parents must have hated me.”

“No parents. I didn’t have anyone. My grandmother died just before we met and then you came along and I fell hard for you.”

He lost that twinkle in his eye and leaned on the counter next to her.

“You did love me once.”

“Of course I did. I had this sick puppy-love devotion.”

“It must have been more that puppy love. I couldn’t even wait till you were eighteen. Unless you wouldn’t sleep with me until we were married.”

“Nope.” She smiled sadly. “Second date.”

It had not been a good first experience, either. They had been kissing and before she realized what was happening she was in pain and he was pumping in and out of her so hard she bled. She was so stupid then. She hadn’t even cared that he hurt her.

He shook his head. “You don’t seem like the easy type.”

“You were my first.”

“Am I your only?”

She looked up at him. There was no grin on his face, no twinkle in his eye. He was serious. “Of course. Do you see the men in this town?”

“I won’t cheat on you again, Lexy. I promise you that.”

“Don’t make promises, Ryan. It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other.”

He had cheated on her frequently, mostly with one woman. Gloria Rodgers. She was a big-haired, big-breasted wildcat and Ryan loved her. She was almost positive that Ryan was going to leave her for Gloria. She waited in vain for that day to come.

“It should matter,” he said sharply.

“Why? I’m leaving, Ryan. In a few weeks I’ll be gone. The love in our marriage died nine years ago. Why should I care now? I remember what it was like all those years with you coming home smelling like booze and sex. I remember every—” She stopped herself from saying
slap.
“It all. Nothing changed just because you can’t remember what a bastard you were.”

He pounded the counter, causing the pot and Lexy to jump. “Damn it, Lexy. I’m not him anymore. I knew I was wrong before. Actually, I don’t know anything because you won’t tell me. But I know who I am now. You married me. You stayed married to me. How can you blame me for wanting to be with my wife? I feel like I’ve been living with a fucking roommate.”

She saw his eyes flash with hot anger. This is what she was waiting for. This is what she was used to. She could handle an angry Ryan.

“Don’t act like you didn’t know this was ending. We talked about it. I can’t forget how you treated me. I can’t pretend that the first eight years of our marriage didn’t exist. You don’t even want me anymore. So let’s just make everything simple and go—”

He grabbed her wrist and pinned her against the counter. “No. You don’t get to tell me what I want or how I feel. All I’m asking for is a shot. You won’t even let me near you. I see you every day and I want you so bad it hurts. I could understand if there was nothing between us. I could understand if you felt nothing. But this is something, Lex, and you can’t deny it.”

“Let me go, Ryan.” She twisted her wrist to break free but he was too strong for her. Not again. She would not be abused again. She would kill him first. “Let me go.”

He refused and instead bent forward to kiss her neck, not as sweet as before but steamy hot kisses that felt surprisingly good in spite of her anger.

“Please stop.” She willed herself to stay calm. She would no longer be a victim.

This time he listened and backed away from her. She could clearly see the disgusted look in his eyes.

“You can’t keep doing this to me.”

“I’m not doing anything,” she yelled at him, close to tears. When he was gone she never cried, but that all changed the moment his broken body entered the United States.

“Yes, you are. You make me want you. When I was in the hospital you fed me and washed me. You held my hand when I was in pain. When we kiss, you push your body into mine. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel anything. And now you cook for me and wash my clothes and smile at me and look at me with those eyes even when I asked you to stop. There may not have been anything before but there is something now.”

“I’m your wife. I was supposed to do all those things.”

“You’re also supposed to love me.” He grasped her shoulders. “Treat me like I’m a man. I should be able to touch you. I should be able to sleep beside you. I shouldn’t have to act like a horny teenager stealing kisses and jerking off in the shower.”

“You’re not listening to me. I can’t be with you again.”

“Why not?” he roared. “You won’t even explain it to me.” The grip on her shoulder grew tighter. His eyes were icy but she knew that there was extreme heat hidden behind them. She knew what was going to happen next. She knew the sting of his hand. She wouldn’t let it happen again.

Behind her there was a block of knives. She grabbed one and pointed it at him. He dropped his hands and backed up immediately.

“Calm down, Lexy.”

Tears dripped from her eyes and she hated herself for crying. “I won’t let you hit me again.”

“Hit you?” he asked, shock clear in his voice. “I never hit you.”

“Bullshit,” she screamed, feeling hysterical.

“I don’t—”

“Remember,” she finished for him.
She
did. She threw the knife on the counter and took off her shirt so that she could reveal her scarred body to him.

“Maybe these will serve as reminders. This—” she pointed to her left side, where a square-shaped scar graced her body “—is where your belt buckle stuck to my skin. And this round one—” she pointed high on her right breast “—is where your thumb dug into me while you were forcing your drunk self on me. And here—” she showed him her lower belly “—is where I landed when you threw me into the kitchen table, all because I asked you not to get drunk anymore.

And this one—” she moved her French braid to show him the base of her head “—is my favorite. It was from the last time you hit me. I hit you back and you tried to kill me. I don’t even remember how it happened but every time I feel it, it reminds me that I’d rather be dead or in jail than go back to life like that. I’ll kill you, Ryan. If you ever put your hands on me again I’ll murder you.”

He was staring at her in horror, and if she didn’t know any better she would think his eyes were filled with tears.

“I did that to you?” He took a step away from her, looking down at his hands. “I hurt you? Lexy...I didn’t know. I’m...” He was shaking like he couldn’t believe he was capable of such things. “I’m so sorry, baby.” Those tears that she thought she saw in his eyes were now dashed across his cheeks. But she couldn’t be sure because he turned and walked from the house.