License to Love (60 page)

He glanced at her through dark sunglasses, the wind teasing
his hair. It looked like he glared at her, but she attributed it to his mood.

“So, are you planning to stay with Cassie a while?”

“As long as she needs me.”

“That’s good. She needs someone there with her.” He drummed
the wheel. She rolled her neck and then settled back into the seat. Every time
she blinked, her life changed. The unexpected trip home, and now him. He gave
off a controlled energy, an intensity that yelled out of his silence.

Her old hometown slid past. She had missed Oregon’s green
summers that weren’t too hot. She loved the hills, the tall evergreens and the
clear, cold rivers. Eugene was a university town, but not like others she had
visited. It was busy with business traffic, Oregon Duck fans, hippies and
crowds of shoppers coming in from the surrounding hundred-mile radius.

“How is Cassie?” She was afraid to know but she also needed
to prepare.

“She’s mad.” His voice sounded low, controlled.

“Mad?”

He sighed and brushed the hair back from his temple. “Mike
and Cassie had a lot of plans. Now he’s gone. She blames the fire department.
Me. Mostly me.”

His sudden honesty took Savanna by surprise. “Emotions are
running wild right now,” she said, “Maybe she’s venting.”

“It’s my fault.”

When she couldn’t take the silence anymore, she whispered,
“Why?”

Even with the engine noise and wind he heard her.

“I should have kept my mouth shut and let him make his own
decisions. First, I lose my best friend, and then, Cassie’s friendship, too.”
He sighed and rested his hand on the gearshift, touching her leg on accident.
She jerked at his touch, enough for him to glance down and move it.

A minute later, he said, “I’ve heard a lot about you from
Cassie. All this time, I didn’t realize I had seen you before. I don’t know if
you remember that . . .”

“Yes, of course.” He remembered! So many other things sat on
her tongue, ready to say, and yet she couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even turn
and look at him. If he saw her face, he’d instantly know how many times she’d
thought about him. That terrifying night came back every now and then, but
mostly she saw his face looking down at her. She’d been so scared one second
and then safe in his arms the next.

“How do you like Texas?” He politely saved her.

She shrugged. “It’s hot.”

Next he would ask about her husband, and she didn’t want to
tell him about her fake “fairy tale” life that she ruined by wanting a baby, in
her ex-husband’s words.

Jason never asked. Her mind went to the next thing to talk
about, but she couldn’t ask him about his job.

They were quiet as they drove over the Willamette River and
across Eugene to Cassie’s lavender-with-white-trim house. Wild flowers grew in
the flowerbed, some of them lavender to match. A sign dangled under the mailbox
with
Fisher
painted in pretty letters. A new picket fence lined the
yard. You couldn’t find a more perfect starter home.

“Thanks for getting me,” she said, as they got out. After
she pulled Aubrey from the car seat, Jason sat it next to the front door.

He responded with a short, “No problem,” and took her
suitcase to the door as well. “I’d better go.”

“Cassie’s that upset at you?” Why did she say that? He
probably just had somewhere he needed to be.

“I talked Mike out of quitting the department. She was mad
even before he died. And she’s right. It’s my fault.”

Savanna tried to speak, to say it couldn’t be his fault, but
the proper timing slipped by with her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. He
slid his hands into his pockets and watched her hold her little girl.

Searching for one good thing to say, she remembered the
fire. “I always wished I could have thanked you. For pulling me from that fire,
that is.” She barely finished before his eyes went hard. Jason nodded and
walked back to the jeep.

“What the hell?” she murmured after him, but he didn’t hear.
He drove off as the door opened behind her.

 “Savanna.”

She turned at the voice. Tammy still had a mass of dark red
curls, and she still looked like she disliked Savanna.

“Tammy, it’s been a long time.” She grabbed her bag with one
hand while balancing Aubrey on her other hip and entered.

“I’ll go get Cassie. I need to get home to my family.” Tammy
spoke in a hurry while she walked away.

Aubrey threw herself back and forth to get out of Savanna’s arms
so she could run around. The suitcase and Aubrey both landed on the floor with
a thud, and Aubrey took off to explore.

Savanna was about to chase her daughter when Tammy returned.
Trying to smile, Savanna asked, “So do you have a family now, Tammy?”

Tammy gave her a frown and said goodbye. Savanna wanted to
throw open the front door and say, “Hey Tammy, why did you always act like I
was some spoiled rich kid? I grew up without a dad, did you know that?” But she
didn’t. Cassie had said several years back that Tammy had to be jealous of
Savanna’s looks, but Cassie was pretty too. She was tall and elegant, like
Savanna’s mom.

Cassie’s house smelled of fresh flowers, and Savanna would
rather think about something other than her old high school problems. Ceiling
fans whirled quietly but effectually so that the house felt cool compared to
the warmth outside. The home’s atmosphere wasn’t cool, though. Colors and happy
patterns marked the place, like the bright watermelon rug under her feet. Savanna
longed for a beautiful, welcoming place like this for her and Aubrey . . . and
maybe a husband and father someday.

Savanna took in the living room, painted pastel blue, and
saw Cassie had childproofed the place. She’d been serious about getting
pregnant. A picture frame next to the door held two photos. One was Mike and
Cassie’s first picture together. They grinned in a picture booth at the fair.
The other was a shot from their wedding. Underneath the pictures, it read,
“Michael James Fisher and Cassandra Grace Thompson . . . Forever.”

With fresh tears, Savanna noted that wedding pictures of
Mike and Cassie plastered the inside of the house, along with a beautiful quilt
hanging on one wall, and a few paintings of mountains and rivers.

“Savanna?”

She turned around and saw Cassie coming out, wearing gray
sweats and a baggy T-shirt that had to be Mike’s. She had pulled her long, dark
hair back in a messy ponytail, but what did Savanna expect? She was impressed
Cassie was out of bed.

“Hey.” She hugged her friend, who looked like she might
break down into sobs.

“Thank you for coming.” Cassie didn’t step away from their
embrace. She still smelled like her lavender shampoo.

“Don’t even think about it,” Savanna replied, not wanting
Cassie’s thanks. “How could I not come?”

They stood, hanging onto to each other for a long time,
letting the tears fall. Sometimes you need that release.

“He didn’t have to die. He should have quit that job,”
Cassie said, her voice breaking several times.

There wasn’t anything to say to that to make it better, so
Savanna just listened and held her.

Finally Cassie stepped back, wiping her red, swollen eyes.
“Eric must be busy with work.”

That took Savanna by surprise because her mind was focused
on Cassie. She nodded blankly. She couldn’t tell Cassie she had lied to her all
this time. Not yet.

Cassie glanced down at the large suitcase and asked, “You
can stay a while?”

Just as Savanna started to answer, Aubrey squealed, “Mama!”
She had a TV remote and bounced up and down with excitement. “Buttons!”

“She’s talking.” Cassie stayed put, watching Aubrey from
across the room.

“A few words,” Savanna answered, noticing Cassie’s stiff
posture.

Aubrey stumbled forward toward Cassie, who didn’t bend down
to hug her or pick her up. Next, Aubrey ran for Savanna’s arms. “Bobby Boo, up!”

“Come on, I’ll show you to the guest room.” Cassie picked up
the suitcase and led the way down the hall. Savanna stepped into the guest room
behind Cassie, but it wasn’t a guest room. It was painted pastel yellow to
coordinate with the rest of the house, and it had a balloon border three feet
up from the floor.

“Oh, Cass.” Fresh tears slid down her face.  

Cassie cried too. “It’s okay, please don’t cry.”

The irony of Cassie’s statement crushed Savanna even more,
but Cassie turned away.

“Sorry it’s not pumped up yet,” Cassie said about the flat
air mattress lying on the floor.

“No problem, I’ll do it.” Savanna jumped at the chance to do
something and break the heavy mood.

“Okay, Miss Bobby Boo, want a drink?” Cassie took Aubrey’s
hand and led the way to the kitchen to fill her sippy cup and get a snack, while
Savanna got the bed ready. She heard Cassie talking and hoped her friend just
needed to warm up to Aubrey. After playing for an hour, Aubrey tried out the
bed and promptly fell asleep.

“Poor tired baby.” Savanna kissed Aubrey’s cheek and pulled
a blanket over her. She joined Cassie in the living room while Aubrey took her
nap. They sat in silence, but it had to be better than talking about Mike. Or
why Eric didn’t come with her.

The house was full of reminders of Mike, from pictures on
the walls, to his shoes still on the shoe rack, and even a to-do list on the
kitchen counter with half the items crossed off. The worst was a handwritten
sticky note on the fridge that said, “Might be late tonight. I’ll call. Love ya
Cass. And someday you’ll make a great mother!”

Savanna wanted to tuck these things away so they wouldn’t
hurt Cassie, but that wasn’t her place. It tugged at her heart, but it also
made to think of her old home with Eric when they were married. Had all those
little personal touches been there? It hadn’t seemed like a home to him at all.

The next day, Cassie’s parents came by. They’d be leaving
after the funeral, and even though Cassie’s mom offered to stay, Cassie
wouldn’t hear it. “Savanna will be here.”

Savanna felt like she stood on an Olympic podium while
someone hung a gold medal around her neck . . . only she didn’t deserve the prize.
She also noticed Cassie didn’t want help from others. It meant a lot that she’d
let her guard down for Savanna.

People came and went, so Savanna greeted them and filled the
hostess role. Her feet ached by day’s end, but even keeping busy didn’t keep
her from thinking about the brooding firefighter and wondering if he had anyone
with him. For some reason, she worried he was alone.

Two

The entire fire department came out for Mike’s funeral.
Jason tried to respond when people greeted him, but his mind wouldn’t stay on
the here and now. His thoughts felt both frozen and whirling. Rays of sunlight
shot across the sanctuary from the front door as the sun headed up into the
sky. The day was hot already, but everyone wore their Sunday best. He stood
just inside the door of the church.

Police and community workers filled the building.
Firefighters came from around Eugene to show their respect for a fallen
comrade.

Jason clenched his fists by his side. He bit his tongue
between his molars. He had to hold himself together for this, even while others
cried. They wouldn’t lose it the way he would if he let down his guard.

Why Mike? Why not him? Mike had a wife, a mortgage, a future
planned. Jason had a
job
. He wasn’t close to any family members. His
last relationship had ended when his then girlfriend, Rachael, asked him to
choose between his job and her. She had been a real drama queen who made up
crazy stories for attention. He was lucky he hadn’t heard from her lately, and
that was the extent of his dating life for the last year. His family lived in
other states and rarely talked to him. Jason’s life consisted of his job and
his friends, and now both of those felt lost.

He’d taken his rage out on his old couch the night before.
The thing now lay in puffs of synthetic snow and tattered cloth in his garage,
but destroying something didn’t relieve the hot emotions in him for very long.

Kevin Nielsen, the speaker, looked ready to begin, so Jason
made his way up to his seat near the front. Firefighters filled the right side,
while Cassie, her family and her friends were mostly over on the left.

“Friends and family . . .”

He didn’t listen to Kevin speak after that. Instead, he
remembered nights with Mike, playing pinball or cards, or conditioning at the
station. Saturday afternoon barbecues. They had trained together, spent hours
on duty together, gone into fires together. Mike had shown up, time after time,
when Jason needed backup. Mike was his friend and family.

He also remembered how Mike talked about his wife and how very
much he loved her. Cassie had been Mike’s dream come true. At first, she had even
understood his need to do his job, but when the baby urge hit them, she changed
her mind and convinced him to switch careers. She got frantic and wanted him to
quit before he had even found another job. At the time, Jason was standing by
his friend, telling Mike he could convince Cassie he’d be fine.

But she hated Jason now, and he couldn’t blame her.

He joined reality again when silence filled the room, and
Kevin made an invitation for anyone to come up front and share. Several men
from Mike’s department went up, choking on emotion, while saying Mike was one
of the best men around.

Honest.

A hard worker.

A good friend.

The room waited in silence for anyone else who wanted to
share. Cassie started to stand, but then collapsed into Savanna’s arms.

Jason felt himself fall apart as he watched. He couldn’t
stop the tears this time. Savanna’s hand covered her mouth as she held onto
Cassie. Then she raised her gaze. Wild green eyes, almond-shaped, and filled
with tears. With her sunshine-colored hair swept up into a clip, she could
transfix anyone with her beauty.