Licentious (7 page)

Three Days Later

After reading Aedan’s letter, I cried. Hard. I remember the letter falling from my hands as I buried my face in them. When my mind allowed me to focus back to what was happening around me, I noticed my dad was standing before me reading it. It seemed as if officers and paramedics took over the house.

My mind drifted all over the place, memories flooding
my mind and creating a larger black hole in my heart. I’ve never been one to talk about my
feelings
with people. Not in depth anyway. I was always the one to help other people sort out their shit and their problems, but when it came to me unless your name was Eve or Aedan, I became somewhat of an introvert. I think that’s what drew me to music in the first place. There’s always a song to fit your mood. Your situation. There’s always a song to describe how you’re feeling.

I’ve been obsessed with music since I can remember. Aedan had wanted an electric guitar for his seventeenth birthday, so Dad took Eve and
me with him to pick one out for his gift. That’s when I fell in love with the piano. I was awestruck by the beauty of them. Their classic lines, the shine of the wood, the beautiful white and black keys that begged to be touched. When the nice old man who owned the place let me touch the keys, I was mesmerized by the harmonious beauty from the sound that they created. I begged Dad to buy me one or to at least enroll me in lessons, but he just kept saying that he couldn’t. I actually dreamt about having a piano of my own one day. From that day in the music store, I started writing poems, which eventually turned into song lyrics. It was as if that one time at the music store was all it took to unlock a part of me that I never knew existed.

After Aedan had learned the basics of how to play his guitar from the lessons Mom paid for, we started writing together. I would share my lyrics with him and tell him what style of music I heard in my head when I wrote them, and he would create it on his guitar. Later that year, Dad surprised me with an electric piano keyboard for my tenth birthday. I was in heaven. I didn’t know how to play
, but I didn’t care. I was determined to figure it out, even if I had to teach myself.

I begged for lessons, but Mom refused to spend the money on them. I heard my parents arguing about it numerous times, and then one day, Aedan took me back to that nice old man to teach me how to play. Later on, when I
begged him to tell me how he got Mom to agree to the piano lessons, Aedan confessed that he told Mom to stop his lessons so she could afford to put me in piano lessons. Reluctantly, she agreed. Aedan then taught me how to play guitar, and I taught him the piano. We wrote music together from that point forward. It was a hobby for Aedan, but for me, music was my life. I can’t help but smile at the memory, even though my heart only feels empty now.

Pulling myself back from memory land, looking out the window of the backseat of Dads RAV4, I see the houses on my street going by. Almost home. As much as I hate being home now more than ever, I can’t wait to climb into bed and forget the world around me. I’m tired of people hovering over me
, of all my friends badgering me with their condolences. It’s appreciated, but I just want to be left the hell alone.

“Josephine,” Mom says stiffly, “before you head back to your cave,” she sneers at the word cave, “I have some chores that I need you to do. The list will be on the kitchen table for you.”

Of course, she does
. I can’t help but roll my eyes. All day today at Aedan’s services, she did nothing but act overly sweet toward me as she played up the ‘poor Mom who just lost two kids’ card. In reality, the act was pure bullshit. I have no doubt that the emotions were real for the loss of Aedan, but
only
for Aedan. She’s never given two shits about Eve or me. That was purely for attention.
Bitch
.

“Did you hear me
, young lady?” she snaps.

“Yes,” I mutter.

“Yes, ma’am,” she corrects.

“Ye
—”

“Stop it, Alannah! That’s enough,” Dad intervenes. “Joey, you don’t have to do any chores. You need to rest,” he says as he pulls into our driveway.

“Aedan! Don’t undermine my parenting—”

“Enough! Alannah, Joey
—”

“Josephine,” she sneers.

“Josephine,” he sighs, “is
our
daughter. Try treating her like one.” Putting the car into park and cutting the engine, he wildly opens his car door and steps out. Following his lead, I do the same and follow him into the house. Turning back toward the car, Mom stares at the two of us with her mouth wide open. I turn my attention back in front of me and head to my cave.

As soon as I make it to my bed and ease myself down, I hear the front door open before slamming shut.
I bet Eve is laughing at me right now for having to be stuck here to deal with her.

“How dare you!” I hear Mom screech.

Not wanting to listen to anymore, I pull my iPod and earbuds off my nightstand and turn them on full volume to drown out the fighting floating in the air. I put my music on shuffle, close my eyes, and pretend that nothing else matters. Inside, a little more of me dies.

After about the fourth song, I feel like someone is watching me. Opening my eyes, my mother is standing
at the foot of my bed. Her hands resting on her hips, dark coffee eyes narrowed and small but full lips pursed. I turn my iPod off, remove the buds from my ears, and slowly move myself to a sitting position, wincing as sharp pains spread, reminding me of everything that’s happened.
As if I need a reminder
.

“Are you satisfied with yourself?” she whispers harshly, her tears betraying her.

“What? Satisfied with what?” I ask confused. What the hell is she talking about now?

“This is
all
your fault!” she yells. “You killed my baby!” she cries as her verbal vomit smacks me in the face.

“Don’t you mean babies? Or are you only concerned about Aedan?” I snap. “Let me remind you that Eve
did
exist.
You
gave birth to her! To us! She’s gone, too!” Fighting with her is useless. It’s not going to change her perception or feelings of any of this, but the anger rushing through me makes it hard to ignore.

She moves closer to the side of the bed, closer to me. “
If it weren’t for
your music
, Josephine, Eve would be alive. Which means Aedan wouldn’t have killed himself. It
all
started because of you!” she yells as spit spews from her lips.

Jumping off the bed, ignoring every ounce of pain screaming
through my body, I stand face to face before bursting at her. “You don’t think I know that? Huh? You don’t think I can see all of it every time I close my eyes? I have nightmares, Mom! Half of the time, I’m not even asleep when they start. I
know
it was
my
dreams that killed them. I know that! And I feel guilty about it every second of every fucking day. I’m sorry! Is that what you want to hear?” I scream at her as tears leak from my eyes. My breathing is heavy, pain filling me with every breath.

“It should have been you,” she says
bitterly.

“That’s enough
, Alannah! How dare you say that bullshit to Jo! It is
not
her fault that any of this happened. It’s not any of our faults. God dammit, Alannah.” He sighs. A vein appears to pop out in his neck, and his face grows redder with every heaving breath he takes. “She is
our
daughter. If you can’t accept that it’s the three of us now, then you need to leave. I will not allow
anyone
to treat her the way that you have,” he says coldly, calmly. His eyes never leaving hers.

My mom is taken back
as if his words just slapped her. “W-what are you saying?” her voice uneven with panic.

“I’m saying that you will treat her how you always should have been treating her. If you can’t, then pack your shit and leave,” he says through clenched teeth. His jaw ticking with his anger.

I can’t help but feel a twinge of joy that
finally
, finally, someone is choosing Eve and me over her. Well… I guess me. It’s nice for someone to put her in her place, fully. Finally.

“You’re going to choose
her
over me?” she asks, her eyes wide, shock apparent on her face.

“Yes,” he
breathes out. His hands on his hips, separating the space between Mom and me.

She says nothing. She sends a glare that turns my veins to ice, before looking Dad up and down one more time before walking out of the room.

My dad drops his chin to his chest before letting out a loud, heavy breath. After a few long seconds, he turns to me with glistening eyes.

“Jo,” his voice cracks
. He drops his gaze and slightly shakes his head. Looking back at me, he nearly whispers, “She’s wrong, you know. Completely.
None
of it was your fault. It wasn’t any of yours. And I’m so sorry, Joey,” he breathes out as a tear drips from his eyes. I
hate
seeing my dad cry. The sight alone tears me apart and makes me want to drop into a ball and cry. He’s too good to feel so low. I bite my lip and nod my head at him. My eyes swimming in matching unshed tears. “I’m sorry I let her treat you and Eve so badly for so long. I wish I could go back and change it for you. I’m sorry, Jo.”

I don’t know what to say. I don’t think there is anything I can say to
ease his guilt. You can’t help who your heart loves. I really don’t think anyone has a choice in that. So, I don’t say anything at all. Instead, I walk up to him and wrap my arms around his waist, my face to his chest, and whisper, “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, sweetie,” he tells me as his arms slightly tighten around me.

We hear the back door slam. Moments later, we hear Mom’s car come to life.

Present Day

“Joey!” I hear my best friend, Cameryn’s voice shout over the music pouring through the bar.
This is the first time that I’ve been to
Louey’s,
but I like the atmosphere. It’s laid back, nice but casual. It reminds me of a traditional Irish bar. Brick building with green awnings on the outside and one large window allowing you to see in if you look over the green checkered curtain covering the bottom half. As you walk in, the floor is tiled, and all the woodwork, including the bar and surrounding tables, is oak with a medium tinted stain.

The place is larger on the inside than it appears to be on the outside. The bar is a straight bar on the left side from the entrance
with multiple flat screens hanging on the wall behind it. It expands a good length of the room and has two shorter sides to keep patrons from behind the bar. There are high bar-top tables, and a few booths that line the right side of the place, with a jukebox, two pool tables, bathrooms, and dart boards at the back.

People are scattered everywhere, tables full, music blaring, and loud conversations fill the place. Looking around
, I see all generations here—older gentleman at the front corner of the bar, college students at the tables, couples and groups of people clicking together, and as I make my way to Cameryn, who of course, is all the way at the back corner of the bar. The booth closest to him is filled with a group of men of all ages. Every single one of them has dark hair, dark eyes, and tanned olive skin.
They must be related
. As I get closer, one of the men sitting catches my eye. His hair is jet-black, so short that I would barely be able to run my fingers through it. His eyes are so dark they appear black from this distance. He has a masculine nose, not exactly wide, but not thin, either. His jaw is wide and strong with dark hair threatening to break through, and his lips are full and beg to be bitten.
God, I need to get laid
, I inwardly growl. My eyes roam toward his chest and upper arms, filling out a light blue dress shirt, unbuttoned at the collar, giving a sneak peak of the tanned, smooth skin underneath. When I look back at his face, I see his eyes are trained on me, a slow, sly grin spreading across his face displaying a perfectly white, straight smile. I flash him a small smile before strutting my way to Cameryn.

“You made it!” he nearly shouts as he throws his arms around me, pulling me into his side.

“I told you I would,” I smile back as I try to get the bartender’s attention. “Can I have a Strawberry Lemonade with Malibu, please? Tall,” I order before turning back to Cam. “So… where’s Addison? This is her party and she’s late.” I roll my eyes.

“And you’re surprised? She’s
your
best friend, so you should expect this by now.” He smiles teasingly at me.

“Aw. Don’t be jealous
.” I fake pout as I rest my hand against his smooth cheek. “You are the closest guy friend I have.” I wink before having my attention pulled by the bartender placing my drink in front of me on the bar. “I’ve never been here before, have you?” I ask as I take a sip of my drink while glancing around.

“Nah
. This was Addison’s pick,” he says as he looks around uncomfortably. His gaze stops at the table where the mysterious hottie was a few minutes ago. Turning to follow his sight, I see the hotties gaze is locked on me, all emotion vacant on his face. “I don’t think this place is the best choice,” he whispers into my ear as his hand finds its way to my lower back. I send the hot stranger a frown, which causes him to smile, and then I turn toward Cameryn to shoot him a ‘what the fuck’ look. He just shrugs before taking another drink from his beer.

“Jo!” I hear Addison’s sultry voice come up from behind me.

“Addison! Congrats, woman!” I pull her in for a big hug. Releasing her, I take a step back and take in her wardrobe. She’s wearing skin tight skinnies, a red halter top that is cut deep in the chest, with black sequence high heeled pumps. Shaking my head, I smile. “Damn, you cleanup good.”

She lets out a boastful laugh
. “Thanks! So do you! I don’t remember the last time I saw you and you weren’t in sweats and a tee and running shoes.”

“Ha
ha. I can’t help I like to be comfortable, and my job makes me sweat. It’s pointless to look good for it,” I tell her with an eye roll and a wave of my hand. I guess I do look better than normal, though. I, too, am dressed in dark skinnies, a flowing green tank, and black heels. My hair is left down, and lightly wavy. But, the only makeup on this face is eyeliner, mascara, and bronzer. That’s more than I usually do! “So, what made you choose this place?” I ask her.

“A coworker of mine told me she hooked up
with a guy here. Best. Sex. Ever.” She winks with a shit-eating grin.

I double over in laughter
. “Really?”

“Oh, my God. Addison, seriously?” Cameryn chimes in as he hands us each a shot of Jose.

“Yes! My sex life has sucked for five years. FIVE!” she yells as she holds up all five fingers. Reaching for her shot, she shouts, “To me!”

“To you!” we both
‘cheers’ her before throwing our heads back and downing the amber liquid.

“Jo, who’s the
hottie that can’t take his eyes off you?” Addison asks as she grabs her drink that Cameryn ordered for her off the bar.

“No idea
.” I shrug.

“Probably a thug,” Cameryn adds.

I turn to look at Cameryn with a puzzled expression. “Why would you say that?” I’m annoyed. Every time we go out, he acts like this. It’s getting old.

“Did you see the neighborhood we’re in? I should have brought a gun for protection,” he whispers harshly, eyes narrowed.

“Oh, my God! You’re being ridiculous! He’s dressed nicer than you are!” I throw back at him. “You can’t keep judging everyone by their looks.”

“
So, when’s the wedding?” Addison happily chimes in as she raises her eyebrows. I can’t help but laugh.

“What do you think? You think he looks like a thug?” I ask her.

“Hell, no! If you don’t make a move on that tonight,” she points at me, “then I will.” She winks as she moves her pointer finger to her own chest.

“You guys are pathetic,” Cameryn says hastily with a shake of his head.

“Excuse me? That was uncalled for! Because we prefer to be open-minded, that makes us pathetic? You’re just ignorant,” I say. “Tell me, what about them makes them thugs?” I ask waving my hand toward their table.

“Shot!” Addison announces as she hands us both a shot of
Blackhaus. I throw the shot back and put the empty glass on the table. With one hand on my hip while clutching my mixer in the other, I take a huge drink.

“I’m good on shots for a bit. I’m already feeling
buzzed,” I tell them with a shake of my head.

“Please, we just got started!” Addison responds.

“Right, but I don’t drink nearly as often as you,” I tell her with a hair flip.

“Did you just hair flip me?” she asks, a grin freezing her thin lips on her p
ale face.

“Yeah,” I shrug. “I thought it kinda fit the moment
.” I laugh.

“So, are you gonna do him? Or can I?” Addison asks as she
shimmies up until our hips are touching.

“I don’t know!” I laugh. “The nights too young to decide anything that important yet. And I definitely need a few more of these,” I hold
my cup up and give it a shake.
Perfect timing
, bartender saw me. Score!

“You’re not seriously thinking about doing
him, are you?” Cameryn asks. Turning my eyes to him, I take in his short, medium blonde hair, just a little longer on top than on the sides. With his pale green eyes, tan, and clean shaven face, he’s the epitome of a prep boy, but with way more muscle!

I met Cameryn and Addison in college. Our senior year, Cameryn and I decided to open our own fitness training center. Well, it’s not really a center…
more like a studio. That has all the proper equipment one can dream off to stay in shape, plus we make house calls. But sometimes, I just need a break from him.

“Yeah, maybe
.” I shrug. “It’s been longer than I care to admit since the last time my vagina had a dick in it.” I deadpan. Addison erupts in the case of the giggles. You’d think she was high—that is if she would actually touch the shit.

“Jesus, Joey,” Cam sighs. “You need to be careful saying that so loud,
especially in this place,” he whispers.

“Oh
, settle down, Chachie! What are you so afraid of?” I ask in all seriousness.

“Something bad happening. You don’t know these people,” he tells me, concern taking over his face.

“Neither do you,” I jab him in the chest with my index finger. “I’ll prove to you that you’re freaking over nothing,” I tell him as I grab my drink off the bar and head to Mr. Hottie’s round booth.

Maybe I should care more and actually listen to Cameryn’s concerns. But my family is gone. I’m just waiting for my time to be up.
Sure, I have Addison and Cameryn, but it’s not the same. I still go home alone at the end of every day. The closest I get to a meaningful relationship is through unemotional sex with random men that I never remember the next morning. Life sucks. I’m not even sure why I’m still alive. So for the time being, I put a fake smile on my face, pretend shit’s perfect, and I especially do things against Cam’s wishes. Why? Because, if he is right, maybe I’ll get to join my family a little faster.

Walking right up to
their booth, I take a sip in mid-stride, my eyes take in the people surrounding him. The older gentleman has greying hair as well as on his face. Not that he has a full beard, more as if he didn’t shave the past two days. His hair is thinning, and his body looks to be aging, with a few extra pounds in his cheeks and belly. But he’s dressed nice, black dress shirt, and grey slacks from what I can see. Next to him is another older gentleman with dark black hair, wide nose, dark chocolate brown eyes, and a scowl on his face. A yellow gold band shines on the finger of the hand he’s holding his glass. Two other men sit with them who look younger, late twenties maybe. They both have medium brown hair, and whisky-colored eyes.
God, they look like they’re all related
.

Now I’m a little
creeped out. Am I really going to hit on this guy in front of his family?
Fuck it.
I need to get laid. Besides, never said I had to hit on him. I just said I’d prove that they aren’t thugs.

Reaching the table, I stop
just shy of where my thighs would touch the edge, put my drink down, and introduce myself. “Hi,” I smile as evenly as possible, meeting each one of their eyes. “I’m Joey. May I join you for a few minutes?”