Lie to Me (33 page)

Dee gaped when she found herself sitting across his thighs, one of his arms behind her, the other around her waist, his head almost level with her own so that he could look her right in the eyes.

“What the-” She started to struggle.  “Jesus, Ryder, let me up!  I’ll hurt you!”

His eyes flashed.  “Don’t start that shit.”

“I’m too heavy!  Damn it, Ryder.”  Mortified, she pushed at his arm around her waist, feeling his hand clamp tighter on her hip.

“Settle down, you’re not that big.”

“I’m not that small!”

“You’re just fine.  Now stop struggling.”

“Ryder-”

“Unless you want to be face down, babe, stop.”

She ignored the little thrill that comment brought to glare at him. “You’re awful free with the threats, dumb arse.”

“Only around you, little shrew.”  His eyes held an unholy gleam.  “Haven’t you noticed?”

“That I’m the only one you threaten?  Let me think.  Oh, yeah.  Makes me feel so loved.”

“Then you’ll love this even more.  I don’t threaten you, I promise you.”

“Wow, that makes me feel so much better.”  Folding her arms, she clenched her teeth.  “So, am I the only sheila around that gets this special treatment?  Or is this all part of the Ryder Sex Experience?”

She’d expected him to bite back, to retort angrily, instead he surprised her by simply studying her face, the fury slowly fading from his eyes, his hand on her hip gentling.

Of all the things he could have done, that unnerved her the most.  Angry Ryder, laughing Ryder, sarcastic Ryder, those she could handle, but thoughtful Ryder who was looking so deeply into her eyes?  That had her flustered, her hands wringing in her lap, had her looking away.

“Dee,” he said gently.

The gentleness had her swallowing nervously.  “I have to get up and-”

“Look at me.”

“Ryder, I-”

“We’re doing this, babe.  Whether you want to or not, we need to have this talk.”

Only a few times had he ever been gentle yet stern like this with her, one of those times at the hospital.  It never failed to calm her, his deep voice washing over her as he spoke so quietly, that thread of steel underlying his tone that let her know he was serious, determined, and wasn’t going to let her go or the subject drop.  This was Ryder at his most sombre.

Her shoulders slumped as she looked down at her tightly clenched hands.  “What is it?  If it’s the sex, it’s okay, I don’t expect anything more.”

“Really.”  It certainly wasn’t a question.  “We’ll get to that in a minute.”

Oh cripes.  She closed her eyes, cheeks growing hot.  If a hole opened up and swallowed her right now, it’d be a miracle she’d welcome.

“We made love twice the other night,” Ryder stated bluntly.  “No condoms, no protection.”

Ahhh, so that was his worry.  “I took care of it.”

“You did?”

“I went to the chemist and got the morning-after pill.  We’re safe.”

“In town here?”  He sounded surprised.

“Of course not.  You don’t want everyone to know what happened, do you?”

“Don’t care.”

That had her head snapping around to gape at him.  “What?”

Ryder shrugged.  “I don’t care if everyone knows we slept together.”

“Well, I do!”

“Really?”  He looked thoughtful.  “Huh.”

“Seriously?”  She stared at him.  “You don’t care if everyone knows?”

“Nope.”

“The gossip-”

“Let them.  Never worried me before, won’t worry me now.”

Ouch
.  That stung.  She stiffened.  “I’m not going to be known as your latest shag, Ryder.”

His eyes widened then narrowed.  “You’re not my latest shag.”

“I’m not your current one, either.”  She grabbed his wrist.  “Do you mind?”

“Hell yes, I mind.”  His hand on her hip tightened.  “I mind that you could even think I see you as ‘just another shag’.”

“Is that so?  So just what do you see me as, Ryder?  Because sure as heck you never saw me in any way sexual before!”

“That’s my loss.”

Surprised, she looked at him and blinked.

“I reckon I missed out on a lot,” he continued quietly.  “And I don’t just mean the sex.”

She watched him closely.

He returned her scrutiny unwaveringly.  “I admit that I only ever saw you as one of my oldest friends, but there’s always been something between us. You were the only one who could seriously stir me up, you were the only one who could make me laugh when I was down.  You were the one who took me home when I was a drunken teenager and poured me into bed without my parents catching us.  You were the one who kissed me but never took advantage of that situation.  I didn’t know it, Dee, but you were the girl I dreamed of all these years.  You were the one missing.”

The words were a balm to her heart, but…

“You’ve always been special to me,” he said softly.

“I’ve always been ‘just Dee’,” she replied equally as softly.

His studied her, a new knowledge in his eyes.  “That hurt you.”

“No,” she replied immediately.

“It did.”

“No.”

“Why are you lying, babe?”

Dee looked away.

Ryder didn’t push but she could feel his regard, just as she felt his firm grip on her hip, his strong thighs beneath her bottom, his arm at her back.  His scent drifted up to her, faint aftershave and his own unique, clean, male fragrance.

How often had she dreamed of this?  Of being his sole focus, having him talk seriously to her?  Sitting on his lap?  Actually, the last bit had been a stretch even in her dreams.  In fact, she’d never dreamed any of it would come true.

But the dreams she’d had a long time.  Years.  Only the talk hadn’t come about because they’d had sex, it had come because he’d realised he loved her.

Different circumstances - one a reality, the other a dream.

Taking a deep breath, she shoved the rising pain down and turned her head to smile reassuringly at him.  “It’s okay, Ryder.  We slipped up a couple of times, things went too far.  It’s no big deal.”

“Really.”  Again, not a question.  His arm around her back shifted, his hand smoothing down her spine slowly.  “No big deal.”

“You’ve done it a million times.  You’ve had any woman you wanted at a snap of your fingers.  I’m just one more.”  Her smile faltered but she refused to stop.

“One more,” he echoed.

“Yep.  In fact, I bet you’ve got a date all lined up for tonight already.”  She even managed a laugh, ignoring the audible strain.  “I promise I won’t say a word to her.  To anyone.”

“Uh huh.”

Speaking of dates.”  She pushed at his arm resting on her lap.  “You better get a move on before someone sees you leaving in rumpled clothes.  You don’t want to get your date off-side.”  When his arm didn’t budge, she sighed and looked at him.  “Come on, dumb arse. Give it up.”

“I’m not prepared to,” he replied quietly.

“Ryder, don’t be difficult.  This is just a passing phase.  You had no idea I kissed you all those years ago, now you found out and it’s all new.  It’ll go soon, everything will be back to normal.”  She couldn’t meet his eyes any longer, the steady regard making her jittery.  “Forget this ever happened.”

Until this morning she hadn’t realised how awkward silence could be, but by hell she knew now.  It stretched out as she looked down at her fingers fiddling with the edge of her blouse as she waited for him to release her.

“I really hurt you,” he said unexpectedly.

“No.”

“Dee, you would never have given me your virginity if you didn’t care, you would never have allowed me to make love to you if you didn’t feel something.”

Claws of pain curled deep inside her, but she managed a light, shaky laugh.  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

He stood abruptly.  She would have tipped to the floor except for his hold on her, his strong arms steadying her as she found her footing.

Then Ryder shook her world.  He simply framed her face with his palms, looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, “I’m so sorry, babe.”

Shocked or not, she held onto her composure.  Or tried to, no way she could stop the trembling of her body.  “Nothing to be sorry for, Ryder.”

“And still you lie.”  There was no censure in his voice.

She shook her head.

“All this time,” he said softly.  “All this time you watched me go out with other women and never said a word.  You never showed me, never told me how you felt.”

Panic gripped her, almost breaking her self-control.   “You’re reading too much into it.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Oh Dee.”  Lowering his head, he kissed her lightly, tenderly, the gesture so achingly gentle it wrung her heart.  “I’m so sorry.  I would never have hurt you if I’d known.”

She was hanging on by a thread.  “It wouldn’t have made any difference, would it?”

“Maybe not straight away,” he answered truthfully.  “But when I matured enough I would have looked at you with different eyes.  I would not have missed out for so long.”

“You haven’t missed out.  You’re the stud of the town.”  She attempted a small laugh but it was hard to squeeze past the lump in her throat.  “Look at all the notches you’ve got on your bed post.”

“But they weren’t you.”  His gaze was steady.  “I’d never have done that to you.”

“It doesn’t matter.”  She pulled away from his palms, missing the gentle hold almost as soon as she was free.  “You’ve got your life, I’ve got mine.  It’s no big deal.”

“It is.”

She shrugged.

“Dee.”  Reaching out, he snagged her hand, wrapping his big palm around her smaller one.  “I didn’t plan for what happened between us, but it did.  I’m not sorry.  It’s woken me up to things.  Now I know what everyone was hinting at all these years.  I was the only dickhead who didn’t see what was between us.”

She wanted to believe it, she wanted to with her whole heart, but it was too quick, too neatly sewn up.  She looked up at him, tears burning at the back of her eyes, tears she refused to allow to fall.

The concern, the warmth, the caring in his eyes was almost her undoing.  He was right, he knew her so well.  Always had done.

Reaching up, he rubbed his thumb lightly across her lips.  “Let me make it up to you, babe.”

Don’t cry.  Don’t cry
.  “Nothing to make up for.”

“Go out with me.”

“We go out now.”

“I mean as a date.  My date.  Go out with me as a couple.”

It was a dream come true and yet it hurt so damned much.  To give herself up to Ryder now, to hand him her heart when she didn’t really believe he’d changed so fast, cared so quickly, just wasn’t going to happen.  He’d crush her if he ever walked away.  Crush her beyond repair.

“No,” she whispered.

His hand slipped behind her nape, pulled her close as he lowered his head, resting his forehead against hers, looking so deeply into her eyes.  “You don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust that this is real.”  She swallowed.  “Or lasting.”

“It is.”

She blinked back the tear.

“It’s all right.”  He kissed the tip of her nose gently before gathering her into his arms, holding her close while at the same time being careful of her injured arm.

She dug her nails into his shirt, hung on, gritted her teeth.  Inhaled his scent, sucking it deep into her lungs, burying her face for several precious seconds in the crook of his neck as he bent over her and held her so tenderly she could almost believe he cared for her more than as ‘just Dee’.

But it was too quick, her heart too raw.

After several seconds she pushed back and he allowed it, straightening to watch silently as she cleared her throat.

Avoiding his eyes, she glanced at the clock.  “You better go or you’ll be late.”

“Dee-”

“I’ll see you later, okay?”  She backed away, arms folded in front of her, her gaze on his strong jaw.

“Dee-”

“Please.”  She looked up at him.  “Please, Ryder.  Just go.”

His mouth tightened a little, a muscle jumping in his jaw.

“I’m fine.”  She smiled tightly, more of a grimace.  “I’m always all right, aren’t I?”

“This is different.”

“Ryder.  Go.”

The internal battle inside him was clear in his expression, his thoughts flashing across his face as he debated the wisdom of staying against the wisdom of going.

“You need time to really think about things.  I need time.  Being together right now isn’t going to help either of us.”

“Being apart isn’t always the answer, either.”

She deliberately struck him in a weak spot.  “You also know that I deal better with things alone.”

“That was before.”

“Nothing’s changed.”