Life: A User's Manual (9 page)
In the centre of the left-hand wall, there’s a huge pink marble fireplace surmounted by a large mirror; on the mantel, a tall crystal vase, of rectangular cross-section, filled with everlasting flowers, and a turn-of-the-century savings box: it has the form of a full-length, grinning, somehow twisted Negro, dressed in a flowing tartan oilskin cape, mostly red, with white gloves, steel-rimmed spectacles, and a top hat decorated with the stars and stripes and emblazoned with the number “75” in blue and red figures. His left hand is outstretched, his right hand grips the knob of a walking stick. When you put a coin into the outstretched palm, the arm rises and the coin is inexorably swallowed: by way of thanks, the clockwork man shakes his legs half a dozen times, in a fairly good imitation of the jitterbug.
A trestle table draped in a white tablecloth fills the whole back wall. The dishes which will provide the buffet are not yet in place, except for five reassembled scarlet lobster shells, laid out radially on a large silver platter.
The only living being in the scene is a black-trousered, white-coated servant: seated on a stool between the buffet and the door leading to the entrance hall, he has his back leaning against the wall, and his legs outstretched and apart; a man of thirty or so, with a round, red face; he is reading with an air of utter boredom the publisher’s blurb on a novel, the cover of which depicts an almost naked woman lying in a hammock, with a long cigarette holder between her lips, and casually pointing a mother-of-pearl-butted revolver at the reader:
“
The Mousetrap
” is Paul Winther’s latest novel. Readers will enjoy catching up once again with the author’s favourite character, the hero of
Roll over Clover, The Scotch Are Gunning, The Waterproof Man
, and many other blue-chip classics of today’s and tomorrow’s crime-fiction lists. This time, Captain Horty is destined to grapple with a dangerous psychopath wreaking murder in a Baltic port.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Moreau, 1
A BEDROOM IN the big apartment on the first floor. The carpet is tobacco-brown; the walls are decorated with light-grey hessian panels.
There are three people in the room. One is an old lady, Madame Moreau, who owns the flat. She is lying in a large Empire bed under a bedspread embroidered with blue flowers.
Standing in front of the bed, Madame Moreau’s childhood friend Madame Trévins, wearing a macintosh and a silk scarf, takes a postcard she’s just received from her handbag and shows it to the old lady: the card depicts a monkey wearing a cap at the wheel of a truck. A pink phylactery unfurls over the image, bearing the caption:
Souvenir de Saint-Mouezy-sur-Eon
.
On the bedside table, to the right of the bed, there is a reading lamp with a yellow silk shade, a cup of coffee, a box of Breton shortbread
sablé
biscuits on the lid of which you can see a peasant tilling his fields, a phial of perfume whose perfectly hemispherical base recalls the shape of the inkwells of old, a saucer containing a few dried figs, a piece of cooked Edam cheese, and a metal lozenge with moonstone stud-nails set at each corner framing a photograph of a forty-year-old man in a fur-collared jacket sitting in the open at a rustic table groaning under a weight of victuals: a sirloin, plates of tripe and black pudding, a fricassé chicken, sweet cider, stewed-fruit pie, and plums in brandy.
On the second shelf of the bedside table there is a pile of books. The one on top is called
The Love Life of the Stuarts
and its film-wrapped jacket shows a man in Louis XIII attire – wig, plumed hat, broad lace bands – with a wench of visibly ample bosom on his knee, and raising an enormous carved tankard to his lips: it’s a compilation of doubtful authenticity which gloatingly details the alleged debauchery and corruption of Charles I: one of those unattributed works sold under sealed wrappers labelled “For Adults Only” on quayside stalls by the Seine and in railway station halls.
The third person, sitting on the left, set back a little from the bed, is a nurse, carelessly thumbing through an illustrated magazine. On its cover you can see a crooner in a grey-blue silver-spangled fancy-dress tuxedo, with sweat streaming down his face as he kneels, legs and arms open wide, in front of a wildly excited audience.
At 83 years of age, Madame Moreau is the building’s senior inhabitant. She moved in around 1960, when the growth of her business made her leave her little village of Saint-Mouezy-sur-Eon (Department of Indre) in order to do justice to the obligations she had as the head of the company. Having inherited a small timber-working firm mainly supplying turned wood to furniture dealers in the Saint-Antoine district of Paris, she soon turned out to be a remarkable businesswoman. When in the early 1950s the furniture trade collapsed, leaving only unreliable and unprofitable outlets for turned wood – pillars for staircase and balcony railings, standard lamp uprights, altar columns, spinning tops, cup-and-ball games, and yoyos – she boldly switched the firm to manufacturing, servicing, and retailing household tools, as she foresaw that the rising cost of services would inevitably lead to a booming market for do-it-yourself equipment. Her hunch was confirmed far beyond her expectations, and the business flourished, soon reaching nationwide size and even beginning to pose a direct threat to its powerful German, British, and Swiss competitors, who soon got round to offering her lucrative contracts of association.
Today she is a helpless cripple; though a widow since nineteen forty – her husband, an officer in the Reserves, died on 6 June at the Battle of the Somme – though childless, though friendless apart from her old classmate Madame Trévins, whom she has brought in to help her, the old lady carries on running with a rod of iron, from her bed, a prosperous company with a catalogue covering virtually the entire range of home decorating and outfitting appliances, and even touching on other associated branches:
WALLPAPERING KIT
. Includes 6′ folding yardstick; scissors; roller; hammer; 6′ metal rule; electrician’s screwdriver; trimmers; knife; brush; plumbline; pliers; paint knife; handle; all in a portable plastic case, lgth. 2′, wdth. 4′, hght. 4″. Weight 6lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
WALLPAPERING STAPLE GUN
. For 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 & 14mm staples. Supplied in a portable metal kitcase containing 1 box staples of each size, 6 boxes in all, contents totalling approx. 7,000 staples. Instruction leaflet included. Accessories available: bending knife, adapter (TV, telephone, electric wire). Destapler, cloth-cutter, magnetic wedge. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
HOME DECORATOR’S KIT
. Includes: 2-gallon plastic bucket; driptray; polyamid roller handle, wdth. 175mm; foam roller; mohair roller for gloss work; round-tip
PURE BRISTLE
brush 25mm dia × 60mm lgth.; 4
PURE BRISTLE
flat brushes, 60, 45, 25 & 15mm × 17, 15, 10 & 7mm thick. Top quality. Lengths 55, 45, 38 & 33mm. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
ELECTRICAL AIRLESS PAINT SPRAYER
. Heavy duty sprayer gun complete with viscosimeter, extra nozzle for heavy duty paints, flexible extension nozzle, injection nozzle for rustproofing cars, etc. Spraying pressure 2,300 p.s.i. Container capacity 1 pt. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
PORTABLE SCAFFOLD
. Comprising 5′ wide ladder frame on casters; 5′ wide ladder frame on feet; two 2′ bars; platform, 4′6″ × 2′, with safety rail, support bar and crossbars, floor height adjustable from 18″ to 8′ at 1″ intervals. Base area 6′ × 2′. Safety lock. Weight 80lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
3-WAY TOP FLIGHT LADDER
. Made from aluminium. Converts to extending ladder, household steps or offset ladder on stairs. Special lift and lock safety action in all positions. Highest usable tread when in step position, 4′6½″. Max. tread height 8′9½″. Weight 48lbs. Accessories: block, rod rail, detachable feet. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
WM700 DELUXE “WORKMATE”
. Dual working heights 23″ and 30¼″. Extra large 8½″ deep rear vice-jaws. Large vice pegs for improved grip. Comprehensive vice-jaw marking for precision jobs. Folds flat for storage. Weight 125lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
D142 HAMMER DRILL
. 220v, 250w, with Electronic diode. No-load speed to 1,400/3,000 r.p.m., hammer action 14,000/35,200 strokes p.m. Drills steel to 10mm, concrete to 12mm, wood to 20mm. Supplied with 10mm chuck, 3 yards flex, neck strap, calibrated depth gauge; chuck key. Weight 5lbs. Accessories: universal adapter, grip handle, side grip, top grip, clasp, twin chuck, stand, side guide, small template, small, medium and large routing stands, percussion attachment, circular saw, fretsaw, ribbon saw, sanding/polishing disc, soft disc, sander, orbital sander, abrasive coated sander, plane, jigsaw, plunging router, paraguide, all-purpose sharpener, brushes, hedge-trimmer, agitator, compressor, spray-gun, extension lead, grinder, vice. Supplied with a set of 13 high-speed steel drill bits dia. 4, 5, 6, and 8mm, and a set of chrome vanadium drill bits dia. 4, 5, 6 and 8mm, one 8mm plunge bit, one 10mm plunge bit, chisel bit, plane blades, wood turning bit, adapter for standing plane, spin adapter. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
150 PIECE TOOL KIT
. Contains 23 piece ½″ square drive socket set; 61 piece ¼″ and ⅜″ square drive socket and tool set; 5 AF and 5 metric O/E spanners; 5 AF and 5 metric spanners; BA spanners; 6 screwdrivers; 5 piece punch and chisel set; combination pliers; multigrip pliers; ball pein hammer; 8 AF and 8 metric Allen keys; 1 each AF and metric gauges; junior hacksaw; wire brush, spark plug spanner; magneto file; spark plug drills. All in a 5-tray tool box. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
THIRTY PIECE TOOL ROLL
. Includes 5 metric ring spanners 6–17mm; 5 metric O/E spanners 8–17mm; 7 double-ended socket spanners 4–10mm; 1 multigrip wrench; 4 screwdrivers; 6″ pliers; spark plug spanner; wire brush; hammer; set of 8 BA spanners; torch; plastic oilcan and duster. All folds into a neat and attractive carrying case with handle. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
ELEVEN PIECE COMBINATION SPANNER SET
. Alloy steel in attractive individually pouched wallet. Sizes 8–24mm. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
38 PIECE TAP AND DIE SET
. Contains 17 each taps and dies – AF, metric and ⅛″ BSP plus 5 accessories in presentation/storage case. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.
38 PIECE DRILL SET
. Contains 19 high-speed twist drills, 7 wood boring bits
, 8 masonry drills
, 3 extra long masonry drills
, and 1 × 12mm countersink bit.
