Life Begins (12 page)

And I know that this is going to make some
modern Christians mad, but I am violently against the teaching
about the story of Onan being about masturbation. People take the
part where it says that Onan sinned because his seed fell on the
ground and making this mean that masturbation is wrong. I'm sorry,
but Onan was supposed to have sex with the woman and get her
pregnant. Instead, he entered the woman and pulled out before she
could get his seed to become pregnant. He violated the woman and
didn't give her his seed to accomplish the purpose of them having
sex. This violates that second category of God's Laws. It was a sin
of man against man. People do not want to see it this way because
it is easier to preach against masturbation than to say that you
can't sin against a woman. (This is not an endorsement of
masturbation.)

God values women. They represent to Him what
mankind should be to Him. That is why Christine is my Israel. She
is my chosen one. She is the thing that I love most and desire to
love me completely.

Our relationship has never been perfect. There
have been times when she has gone after other men just like when
Israel went after other gods. There have been times when I would
pray things like "If you would just return to me, I will make
everything right between us."

I could not read the prophets and not see a
correlation between how God longed for His people to turn to Him
fully with their hearts and what I longed for from Christine. The
difference is that Christine and I have finally reconciled all of
our history. We have gotten together in a way that God still has
not been able to with Israel. That doesn't mean that He won't. The
age of the Gentiles is coming to an end. The time of the Jews is at
hand. The Jews will see Yahweh and recognize Him as their love. It
will be just like how Christine and I got together. He will become
the most important thing in their lives.

Although I believe in Jesus, I have a problem
with the majority of Christianity. They think that they are
special. Salvation was just opened up to them through Jesus. They
are still not God's chosen people. They never can be. It doesn't
mean that Yahweh doesn't love them. But they can never be His one
true love.

When it says “Israel”, it means Israel. It
doesn’t mean the United States, the West, or Christianity. His
promises were to Israel. They will be fulfilled. Nobody can steal
those promises.

There will be no peace in the Middle East
until the love story that was started with Abraham, Isaac, and
Jacob has been completed. Some may have missed His blood sacrifice
through Jesus, but they won’t be able to miss His
return.

Satan has tried a great many things throughout
history to destroy a love and a promise. You do not come between a
man and the woman he loves. Love conquers all.

~~~

Jack explained this to me as if he
becomes famous, the world will be exposed to him and love him. He
will give his love to his fans and give them his best just like God
does. But his fans will never be his chosen one. They can never
take my place in his heart.

I still don't like being called
"Israel." I like what he was going for, though.

For me, this makes perfect sense
for somebody like Jack. I think he has a great desire to be loved.
He has a need for it that is not normal. He needs the world to love
him like God has the need for it. That is why he wants to
perform.

There is a part of him that I
think wants to be a god. He has always called himself, "The Prince
of Puns, the Titan of Titters, the Master of Mirth, Lord of
Laughter, and King of Comedy." That is a great ego that needs to be
fed and needs to be loved.

I wonder why he chose me as his
love. With everything that I have done to him over the years, I am
not the greatest candidate for the love of his life. The man just
won’t stop loving me. And he loves you in such a way that you can’t
help but to choose him.

~~~

Christine saves me. She makes me human. I do
not think that I could resist the temptation of Adam or Satan. Both
fell to a desire to be like God. They may have loved Him at some
point, but that promise of being more is too hard to resist. She
makes me not want to eat the fruit. She’s all the temptation that I
want.

I could not hope to be an entertainer without
Christine by my side. I would be a god. Christine reminds me of my
humanity. I have always struggled with this. I partly see humanity
as something weak. Flesh dies. People are capable of heartache and
misery.

Being a god makes you immortal. It puts you
above things of the flesh. You can't be hurt. Christine makes me
see that there is strength in our humanity. There is good. She
makes me see what God sees in us. While we are flawed, there is a
beauty in that. The greatest thing you can ever learn in life is to
know that you are loved. It's nice to know that somebody loves you
on their own free will. You didn't make them love you. They just
love you and want to spend time with you.

I worship a God that loves me and wants to
spend time with me. I love a woman who loves me and wants to spend
time with me. This is the meaning of life. You can find it in the
story of our creation. This is why we were born. Nothing else
matters. We live to tell this story and to pass it on to our
children.

It is at least what my father taught
me.

Restricted Access

I know that I have come off as a
bitch during the majority of this book. That is why Jack has
promised me that I could write a chapter that he would never read.
Throughout my history with him, I have had to do some things that
he has never understood. There have been things that I have wanted
to tell him, I just couldn't. That is what I am going to write
here. He has given me the freedom to write anything that I want
about him, our lives, or my feelings for him. And because he has
promised me that he would never read this, I don't have to worry
about preserving the official version of the way things happened or
how I told him I felt at the time. This doesn’t make what I said
before a lie. It just means that I didn’t tell the entire truth.
It’s a very odd thing being with Jack. We’ve never really lied to
each other. We just don’t end up saying everything that we probably
should. I’m going to try to change this here. This isn’t so much
for the teacher that is going to be reading this. It’s going to be
more for Jack. I think he needs to know some things later in life.
I know he promised that he won’t read this, but there will come a
day when I know that he will read this.

One thing Jack left out was any
sort of description of our parents and what our childhood was
actually like. As much as our families are alike socially, Jack and
I have very different parents. Jack will never tell you what his
parents are like. I think he hates to think that he is not a
totally unique person. It fits in better with his myth if you
believe that he just came into being with his personality already
intact. The fact of the matter is that he is a lot like his parents
while trying to be a little bit like my father, which I have never
really understood.

My father and Jack have a very odd
relationship. They both act like they hate each other, but I think
they really secretly admire the other. Jack should have been the
son my father never had. If my father hates Jack, it is because of
this. He knows how good Jack is. He is the kind of kid my dad
wishes he would have had instead of me. And I think Jack wishes his
dad had been a little bit more like my father. It's not that he
didn't love his dad. He just thinks he would have been more manly
if he had had my father instead of his. It is out of this jealousy
that they seem to hate each other. Instead of telling the other
that they actually admire the other, they play this stupid game of
acting like they both know what is better for me. Jack at least has
good intentions when he does this, but even then it's still
annoying. It’s actually one of the few things Jack does that annoys
me. I mean, I know that I come off as a slightly irresponsible girl
who acts without thinking, but that doesn’t mean that I want my
boyfriend, who always thinks before acting, to try to get me to be
any other way. Even if I have to admit that the majority of the
time when Jack tells me not to do something because I’ll regret it
then I do end up regretting it, that doesn’t mean I want him to be
a positive influence in my life. It’s just kind of more fun to
misbehave around Jack. Sometimes I get him to go along with my
crazy ideas just because he doesn’t want to see something bad
happen to me. Other times, I don’t end up doing what I thought I
wanted to do because he won’t follow. It makes our relationship
exciting. Really I think we need each other.

Anyway, back to my father and
Jack’s relationship. The sad part is that I can never tell Jack
that I think my father really likes him. My father is just trying
to give Jack a hard time because he wants to push him away from me.
I don't think my father can look at me without seeing my mother. He
doesn't think I could ever be good for any man. I think my father
thinks it looks better if he insults Jack than to say outright that
I will never mean anything but misery to any man. It just looks
better for the public image my father is trying to keep up. I mean,
parents can't really say that their daughter is a stupid bitch of a
whore. I may be a bitch, but I'm not stupid. I've played my father
for a lot of money over the years. Jack's parents gave him the best
because they loved him. My father gave me the best because I
demanded it as his “little princess.” And if my all-knowing father
is going to be such an asshole, his “little princess” is going to
take him for everything he’s got.

Don't think I'm awful. In a way,
I'm glad that my father is like he is. He taught me a very
important lesson. Men are stupid and can be easily manipulated by
something that they consider beneath them. For as many women as my
father has f#cked, I think he really hates women. I don’t know why
they keep coming back to him. He treats them like sh#t. I don’t
think they’ve even gotten that much money out of them. It’s
actually really sad that some girls will whore themselves out for
so little. I don’t want to say that I am smarter than these other
women, but I’m at least going to use a man for my own personal
gain. I was with Jack one time when he made a comment about me. He
said, “You know, you're an amazing woman. Whenever a man holds you
in contempt, you grab him by the balls and suck him dry. By the
time he finally gets wise to you, he's already lost everything.” I
hated him for saying it at the time, but I think it was more
because he had that stupid smile on his face.

I can never tell if Jack is joking
or not when he has that smile on his face. Part of me thinks that I
actually amuse him at these moments. And part of me is really
pissed off because I know that he sees through everything I do and
isn't afraid to call me on it. He's the only person who has ever
done that. I think my father sees through my act, but he's kind of
stuck with me for life. Wow. Not only is my father really stupid,
but he's also a coward. I've never thought of that
before.

I don't know why Jack admires my
father. I think it might be because my father gives off the
impression that he is everything a man is supposed to be. Jack has
always felt inadequate as a man because he doesn't understand
sports, tools, and other typical guy things. Plus, he has always
been small. Truth be told, he weighs less than I do. He's a very
unhealthy weight of about 112 pounds. And it's not that he's
anorexic or anything. The boy just can't gain weight or bulk up. I
think it really comes from him being a troubled birth. He's healthy
and never been a sickly child, but he has never bulked up like most
boys do.

I know this bothers him. I
probably shouldn't have dated guys who were super muscular. I mean,
they were hot and all, but I only really did it because I knew that
it hurt Jack. I thought that if I hurt him enough that he would
admit to liking me and we could be a couple. I also kind of dated
them because I could. I don’t care who you are. If you can date a
really hot guy, you will. Even if you really love somebody else,
you will still go with the really hot guy just because you are not
actually in a relationship with the guy that you really love. Even
if you know it might make it harder to get with the guy that you
really like, the hot guy seems like a good choice at the time. I’ve
never exactly figured out why. So, Jack, I guess I went out with
some of the hot guys at school just because we weren’t dating, so
that meant that I wasn’t cheating, even though I did always love
you.

The truth is that I have always
thought that Jack was cute. He has qualities that other guys don't
have. I know he may not be the most handsome or muscular guy, but
he is so much sexier in so many other ways. And if I am being
totally honest, since Jack is not going to be reading this (for a
while), I don't think I could ever be happy with some super-hot
guy. They have all been very shallow. They seem to expect you to
just love them for their muscles or pretty faces. These guys are
nothing but eye candy. And I have used them as such over the years.
I don't think I can explain it properly. It’s just that there are
some guys out there that you want to do very bad things to. In
fact, I can tell you my favorite body part of every guy that I have
ever dated. None of them were ever their dicks. They were usually
their ass, abs, pecks, arms, and sometimes smile. And then there’s
Jack. I can’t say that any of those body parts are what I
especially love on him. He has a nice ass and abs, but it’s
different from the other guys that I have dated.