Life Begins (10 page)

And I’m going to be honest here. I
hated Melinda. I know that I am better looking than she is. I mean,
I know that I am considered one of the hottest girls in school, but
I’m not like a guy. I can tell when somebody of the same sex is
cute or not. Melinda is cute. I can see a boy liking her. Plus she
is able to talk to Jack in ways that I can’t. Jack actually likes
her personality. I don’t have that going for me. All I have ever
had was my body. I have known that since I was born.

I grew up seeing how my father
treated women. I saw his mistresses. And he kept trading them in
for younger models. Beauty like mine doesn’t last. And if it all
that you have, you have a very short shelf life when it comes to
men.

I also grew up with my mess of a
mother. I love the woman dearly, but… A large part of my childhood
was spent trying to comfort her. As she was washing her pills down
with a bottle of vodka, she would hold me and pet my hair. She
would tell me that a girl has to latch onto a man to survive in
this world and that I would have to make sure that I chose the
right man. I had to take care of my body for this reason. It was my
livelihood.

So when I was dating the boy who
shall remain unnamed, it was after my parents’ divorce. Instead of
learning from the mistakes she made with my father, my mother was
actually trying to get a new husband. There was a parade of men in
the house. Some were actually interested in her. Others liked her
because she put out.

I don’t mean for that to sound
cruel. I love my mom. She is just… She is just looking for love.
She is so desperate for it that it doesn’t matter to her if it only
lasts a moment. The act of at least pretending to be in love gives
her a sort of comfort that she is looking for.

So when I met the boy whose name
we’re not saying, I was at this point in my life where I felt ugly.
This boy actually liked me. And he wasn’t like Jack. I could
actually talk to him. We had things in common. He was fun to hang
out with. And he was a good kisser. And he could hold me in a way
that I wished Jack would. It was nice to have to tell a boy no for
a chance. Jack tells himself no for you. It felt good to feel like
somebody actually found me physically attractive.

And I’m not ripping on Jack. I
don’t think he knew how much it hurt me for him to be hanging out
with Melinda. I wasn’t trying to make him jealous. I was lonely and
wanted somebody to hang out with. Every man I have ever dated has
been because I was lonely and wanted something that I wasn’t
getting from Jack.

Jack is the best boyfriend ever,
but he, for a while there, was very bad at relationship stuff. He
didn’t want to go out to the movies or go to dances. I could get
other boys to take me to these things. They were fun to hang out
with, but I couldn’t just keep having guys pay for me to do things
with them without giving them something back on their
investment.

I’m not a tease. I’ve just always
known the game and how to play it. I learned the rules from
watching my parents. If I made out with a boy, it was to keep the
game going.

I wasn’t really good at the game
until after the abusive boyfriend. You know what? I’m sick of not
saying his name as if he is this mythical evil power. His name was
Brian. He has no power over me. I took back what power he had over
me a long time ago. And I have never given that power to anybody
else. Not even Jack has that power over me. Jack wouldn’t want that
power. Not that Jack doesn’t have influence over me. He lets me
know when he disagrees with what I am doing, but he still sees me
as a separate person that is capable of making
decisions.

What was I talking about again?
Oh, I actually did like Brian. And then my parents started to like
him. It was nice to have both of my parents agree on something. The
abuse didn’t bother me. I was willing to take it to make my parents
happy. I was at that point in my life where I thought I could
actually get my parents back together.

But there was also this part of me
that enjoyed the abuse because it upset Jack. Jack has always been
pissed off that I would go out with other men. I should be faithful
to him when he couldn’t decide if we were going to be a couple. If
Jack wanted the abuse to stop, all he had to do was ask me out and
actually act like we were a couple.

The so called peace accords came
about after Brian started to beat up Jack. It was one thing for me
to get smacked around. I couldn’t stand to see him get beaten up.
He’s just… He’s spent his entire life being protected. His father
protected him from the cruelties of life. I have always physically
protected him. When the abuse started to happen to Jack, I had to
stop it. There’s just something about the man that makes you want
to fight for him.

I remember he used to get bullied
in grade school. A group of girls shamed the bully into leaving him
alone. He then had this group of girls asking if he was okay. Women
love him and would do anything for him. I can’t explain
it.

As for when we actually started to
spend the night together, Jack can talk about the sexual tension
during the day and us being ourselves at night when we were in bed
together. But the nights were about something else other than us.
It was about us being there for the other person.

I would even say that the first
time we spent the night together was the night that his father
died. His holding me and not dealing with his own emotions is the
pattern that he seems to have followed for the next few years after
that event.

And as I think about it, I don’t
think there was really a sexual tension between us during those
years. I know that Jack wanted to do me, and I wanted to do him.
But he was a major ass-hole during those years. I was jealous of
Melinda for a reason. He would retreat into her emotionally. If I
pissed him off, it was because he pissed me off first.

I mean, when I told him that we
had to be just friends, I didn’t mean that… It’s just that at that
time in my life I needed him to be… And he was trying to be… I
would just get so angry that he would get into this father figure
mode. There was nothing sexual about it. He would just hold me,
comfort me, and tell me that it was going to be okay. He would
change at these moments. It’s like he represses his own needs and
desires to just be what I need him to be at that time. I have never
figured out what causes this change in him.

It was present the night that we
had this supposed peace accord. I know that he loves me. But there
are times I just want him to f* me. I don’t want there to be
anything sweet or romantic about it. I just want it be a raw
expression of our feelings for each other. He is not capable of
this. He does this sweet guy routine, which is okay when I need
comforting. But sometimes I don’t need comforting. I need a good
f*.

And I just want to point out that
although he started talking about Melinda in this thing that he is
trying to pass off as not being a chapter (although it is longer
than the chapter about his birth), he ended up talking about
me.

I also want to point out that I
never played the game with Jack that I played with other men. Our
problems were never with me. I mean, I have rejected him a few
times. I’m a girl. Sometimes I want something a certain way, or I
don’t want it at all.

~~~

Okay. That is not at all how things happened.
I told her how I felt about her the night that she dumped the boy
who was abusing her. She rejected me. She was hurting. I started to
comfort her. We ended up spending the night together. In the
morning, she said that we could only be friends. We could still
spend the night together like we had, but it was because we were
friends and could take care of each other without there being
anything sexual about it.

~~~

Bull sh#t! You came over and were
all upset about me getting smacked around. I couldn’t stand to see
you in pain. I decided to break it off with him. You weren’t
capable of being anything more than a friend. You wouldn’t even
give me the pleasure of being friends with benefits. You then spend
the night. It was nice. We followed that pattern for the next few
years.

You aren’t always right, Jack.
Don’t make yourself out to be the victim. You were the reason we
didn’t get together for those three years. I was more than willing
to be with you publicly. But you were never willing to go out with
me in public or to even go to parties. You were too busy being
anti-social working on your comedy career. You’re in high school.
You should be out having fun.

~~~

Well, this is my story, and I say that there
was another reason we did not get together for those three years.
Please see the next chapter to refresh your memory.

Before you go to the next chapter,
I just want to make a few comments. First, I find it odd that
Christine and I both blamed each other for us not getting together
sooner. I did always think it was her fault for going out with
other men. I never thought about what I was doing with Melinda. I
honestly didn’t consider Melinda a love interest and didn’t know
about her having a crush on me. Melinda is too much like a friend
to be considered a love interest.

I will have to apologize to
Christine. I didn’t know that I had hurt her. I just felt rejected
by her. I always felt like I couldn’t compete with any of the men
that she went out with. I could see her liking them. I could look
in the mirror. Why would she choose me? I’m not the man some girls
consider handsome.

So if I didn’t fight for her
during those years, maybe it was because I felt like I didn’t
deserve her. She would be happier with some other guy. Plus I have
always had this picture of Christine as a woman who knows what she
wants and who will go after it. If she had wanted me, she would
have gone after me.

I still feel insecure around her.
I think she can tell. She acts differently in bed at these times.
And then she makes some comment about me being really cute or
sweet. I know that it is a good thing, but it makes me feel even
more insecure. I would just like to be enough man for
her.

I also want to comment on
Christine’s frankness. I have known of some of the things that have
happened over at her place. I have always just chosen to not speak
of them. I grew up with this belief that you knew about unpleasant
things, but you just don’t speak of them. Christine doesn’t mind
talking about them.

This is one of the things I have
always loved and admired about her. There is an honesty to her.
She’s a fountain of truth.

I also find it interesting that as
we are writing this book, Christine and I are trying to define
ourselves outside of our parents. There seems to be a part of us
that sees our parents in ourselves. We either see their strengths
or weaknesses. It is not enough that we are just trying to escape
our past, but we are trying to escape our parents’ pasts as
well.

Chapter Six

The Truce

How Christine and I finally did get together
is not one of the most romantic stories ever told. It is actually
rather legalistic.

After I told Melinda about how I felt about
her, she went over to Christine's house. They plotted together and
decided that I should go to Christine since she was the one that I
really loved. I was not one to take being handed over lightly. I
called Arthur and Leopold over. We had a nice discussion of my
options. I don't think we decided anything. Teenage boys are not
the greatest at love advice. Thankfully Leopold had taken some of
his sister's magazines. I took the tests to see who I was in love
with. Nothing really was decided.

I then took my box of memories from my closet.
I started sniffing a bottle of the shampoo that Christine always
uses. I always do that when I am away from her. It brings me peace
of mind and clarity. It is like being with her.

Anyway, I got high on the shampoo and wrote a
declaration of independence. I loved Christine, but being with her
was making me miserable. I wrote down everything throughout our
history that gave me cause to end our relationship.

~~~

And Jack means he wrote
everything. The thing ended up being 27 pages long. I think it was
even single spaced. So it wasn't like he was trying to impress me
with size. I had no idea I had hurt him that much.

He had hurt me, though. I called
him that night. I was all prepared to win with the joke that
Melinda gave me. Jack and I had this bet that if I could say
something that he didn't have a comeback for, then he would date
me.

Well, I got home from a date with
Jim Walker, the captain of the football and wrestling teams. I
called Jack and told him that I had a nice time with Jim. "I got my
nipples pierced. At least I think his teeth pierce my nipples."
Jack said, "That's nice.", and hung up the phone. He was so high
off of the shampoo that he had a comeback.

So here I was crying. Melinda had
handed him over to me, and he had a comeback.

~~~

I don't really remember that conversation. I
remember talking to Melinda shortly before talking to Christine on
the phone. Then I kind of passed out. I then came to as Christine
was unbuttoning my shirt and kissing my chest. I think I actually
came to when she was undoing my pants. It was a good place to wake
up at, I guess.