Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (22 page)

I say that because, unfortunately, many people, particularly women, have a strong aversion to negotiation. They get embarrassed by what they see as haggling or cutting deals or bargaining. My wife, Robin, runs away—I mean it—when I start negotiating to buy a house, a car, a washing machine, or anything. She is gonzo. I’m not exaggerating; she starts gathering her stuff together and heads for the door. It’s kind of like, “I don’t want to see the labor; just show me the baby!” It’s really odd because she is so tough and smart, but this one thing just makes her really uncomfortable. I have talked to thousands of women who feel the same way. What you need to know is that women, and African-American women in particular, may wind up paying higher prices for new cars, for example, according to some scholarly studies, because dealers typically begin by quoting lower prices to Caucasian men—because they know women are willing to pay more just to avoid the pain of negotiating.

But I’ve always told Robin that when I go in to buy a car, the negotiation margin is calculated into the price. There’s the real price, and then there’s the “stupid price” that they will sure take but don’t expect to get. The goal is to get somewhere in between the two. They may give me a big hug if I pay the stupid price, but right after I walk out, they’ll turn to the other salesmen and say, “What an idiot!” For most people who pay too much the salesman would be wrong—it’s not idiocy. It’s just that some people haven’t given themselves permission to ask for what they want or permission to say no when pressured and to claim the right to protect what is theirs when it comes time to divide things up. To do so is your right and your responsibility, and once you decide that it is not unbecoming or beneath you, then you will find out that you’ve been leaving a lot “on the table” in life by not standing up for yourself. My belief is that negotiating on behalf of yourself and those you love is quite becoming; in fact, it is required to achieve fairness and balance.

Let me just say it this way: If you have a problem with negotiating,
get over it
! See how easy that was? I wish. But, take it from me: It is okay to negotiate, especially since negotiation isn’t just about buying things and giving yourself permission to do so. It isn’t just for high-powered lawyers haggling with movie studios over a star’s contract for that next blockbuster. It isn’t just for businesspeople and politicians cutting a deal on the terms for a construction project. It isn’t just for merchants bargaining with vendors or customers. And it isn’t just what you do at the flea market on Sunday afternoon. If you’re going to win anything in the real world, you must learn how to successfully negotiate.

Everything in your life is a negotiation. You negotiate with your children, your significant other, your in-laws, your co-workers, your boss, other mothers in your carpool, and many other people, all the time. You’re engaged in some kind of negotiation practically every hour of every day. How do you get your spouse to spend some more quality time with you? (Hint: not by nagging.) How do you get your children to go to bed or clean up their rooms? (Hint: not by yelling.) How do you get that raise you deserve? (Hint: not by sitting around and hoping for it.) All of these interactions you have—and many, many more—involve some kind of negotiation, even if you don’t think of it that way.

And if you timidly shrink from that reality, when it comes to people who “get it” and don’t have your best interests in mind, you’ll be surrendering before the fight even begins. In fact, you’ll be wearing a big sign that says “I’m a pushover. Take advantage of me!”

You need to think about negotiation in a new way, as part of the new “Life Code.” Negotiation isn’t haggling; it’s asserting your rights—your rights across the board for your whole life and that of your family. When it comes to what you pay for something, how your relationship is defined, how much you get paid for working, or whatever it might be, you are entitled to have a say in your life. And when you decide to get tough and you begin to express that, you have started the process of negotiation, because then you’ll have some idea of how things should be and how you can get what you want when you’re dealing with someone else. Think of it this way: The world and the people in it are prepared to take from you and your family that which
you allow
them to take. When you finish negotiating, I want you to have such things as money, time, peace, and safety left over for you and yours, and not always for them and theirs. Someone will get it, and I just think it should be you.

Really, the only person who can deny you is you, by being passive. How is the other person going to know what you want unless you make it clear? You’re going to have to live with the marriage or the work relationship or the way your children behave (or don’t) or you’re going to have to pay the price, so you better be willing to negotiate and make a deal you can be at peace with. And I know for absolute certain that you like to get a good deal, or you wouldn’t always be talking about getting something on “sale!” Think about it, you will wait to buy something until Thursday if you know Thursday is the day it goes on sale, right? Why is the day after Thanksgiving often the biggest retail day of the year? It’s because things go
on sale.
You
want
a good deal, and all I’m saying is to not be so passive that you wait until
they
decide to give it to you, because if you don’t ask, they just might not ever offer. (By the way, I’m negotiating with you right now. I’m trying to get you to “move your position” on this critically important issue.)

But first, let’s get some more misconceptions out of the way. Negotiation isn’t about screwing the other person. You could try to get a one-sided deal where you get all the money, while the other person has to do all the work, just because they’re so happy to have the privilege of hanging out with you. But if you’re really honest, you know that nobody is that charming, so that’s not a good deal even for you, because it isn’t going to work—not long-term, it isn’t. Any deal that lasts, that meets the test of time, has to prove fair to everybody involved; if not, they will bail out on you and the deal, and they will do it sooner rather than later. What you should be looking for is a deal where both sides feel like they wound up, not with 100 percent of the “good stuff,” but, instead, with something they can live with. So negotiating isn’t about lying or deceiving or trying to cheat someone by withholding information, because the truth will almost always come out. You’ll know soon enough if that car you bought is a “lemon.” In fact, that’s why there are “lemon laws,” which give buyers a chance to live with their purchases and return them if something is wrong.

But that’s not to say that using some psychology is out of bounds. Another study I ran across found that, contrary to what many women believe, women can actually succeed at negotiations precisely because they are women. In a controlled experiment, women who used their “social charm” were able to get more than $100 off the price of a used car that a male seller had priced at $1,200.

I have been a student of negotiation for decades. (Herb Cohen is a negotiation master, and his book
You Can Negotiate Anything
is just superb.) I negotiate every day of my life. I do it on my show, with my friends, with my family, and with those with whom I do business. And they negotiate right back!

I’ve had many women tell me how disappointed they feel after what they might not even realize was a negotiation with someone. (Remember, I said you’re negotiating on a daily basis—with just about everyone in your life.) But they’re not just disappointed in what they didn’t get out of it; they’re disappointed in the other person, as if that person should have had their best interests at heart during the negotiation instead of their own. You can’t go to the table expecting the person across from you to roll right over for you and then lose all faith in humanity when they don’t. No one has
your
best interests at heart aside from you, so stand up for yourself! You have to realize that
you
hold the power to lead the situation and guide the other person so you don’t leave feeling defeated. You can’t go in being passive and put all your hope, faith, and expectations in the other person and then cry foul when you lose. That’s just not how the real world works, and if you hang on to that misconception, I guarantee the disappointments will continue.

I’m going to share some of the strategic steps I personally go through when I negotiate, in at least a rough order. You should consider these your new rules of negotiation so you can feel prepared—and pretty soon, you might just start to enjoy this process.

I don’t want to have to cross the street a year from now if I see someone coming because I “put the britches on them” in a deal we made. Life is too short, and negotiating is not about cheating someone.

Seriously, I do. It’s not because I am some grandiose benefactor. I do it because to the extent I can find a way for them to get more of what
they
want, they are going to be much more inclined to give me more of what
I
want. You will be amazed how often you think you both want the same things, when in fact you don’t at all. Negotiation is about give-and-take, and leaders find a way to compromise so everyone involved gets at least some of what they want and need. You’re being a leader and actually helping them if you can figure out what they really want, even if they’re not quite sure themselves. At the same time, I always work really hard to honestly figure out and label precisely what it is that
I
really want, because oftentimes, after giving it some thought, what I initially thought I wanted and what I really wanted turned out to be two different things.

And it’s also important to recognize that negotiation is an ongoing process because life is an evolution of people, circumstances, and objectives. Life is ever-changing, and so too must be your arrangements. This is why, just as you learned in the previous chapter, ultimatums don’t work, because you want to keep your options open so that when the winds of change blow through your life, you have the flexibility to bend to a new reality. Even contracts sometimes need to be renegotiated. What you negotiated for in your marriage, as a newlywed, is very likely obsolete before too very long, because both of you changed, ideally for the better, but, either way, you have evolved. Renegotiating a deal is not the same as reneging on a commitment if both sides ultimately agree to make a change. Just know that, especially in ongoing situations like a relationship with a spouse or children, negotiations never stop, because the changes never stop.

As I said earlier, women typically pay more for the things they buy than men do, and African-American women pay even more than women in general.
It’s just incredible. An African-American woman could pay $500 more for a car than a Caucasian man pays, according to one scholarly study. She would never pay that amount
if
she knew they were offering it to him for substantially less. This is why you need to do your research before you start talking. If you want to buy a used car for your 16-year-old to drive to school and work, you have to start with research-based parameters. Decide on a category of car and establish the criteria you want. Say you want to buy a five-year-old compact with 30,000 miles or less. You have to start by finding out the average selling price. Do your homework; there are plenty of sites to check on the Web. With those markers in your mind, you should be able to say you’re willing to pay no more than, say, $12,000 and settle for no less than a certain measure of quality. Because you’ve done your research, you’ll know whether those are reasonable expectations before you even go to the car dealer’s lot.

If you don’t trust yourself to be a good negotiator, at least do your research and set your parameters firmly ahead of time. Tell yourself, “I will not pay more than $12,000, I will not take something older than five years, and I will not accept something that has damage history or more than 30,000 miles on it.”

If you do that, you won’t care if the salesman is a nice guy or if the car was owned by a little old lady who only drove to the store and back, or whatever. Because you can just say to yourself, “I decided ahead of time (before I was under pressure to buy) what I want in a car and what I’m paying, and I’m not going to pay any more than that for anything less than I need.” If you know that, then you’ve anchored yourself pretty well. This is important: Deciding ahead of time what you’re willing to pay protects you against impulse. Don’t decide
after
you get there. Otherwise, you’ll be reacting to advertising, salesmanship, and psychological pressure, and that’s where you get in trouble. Remember, there’s a whole marketing machine out there that is pressuring and manipulating you in all kinds of ways to make decisions that are not necessarily in your best interest.

You’ll find out soon enough if you’re being realistic in your expectations. If you look for 30 days and you can’t find a car that fits your category and meets your criteria, then you’ll have to modify them. You’ll say to yourself, “Well, okay, I’m going to have to take something six years old, or I’m going to have to pay $12,500.”