Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (20 page)

Whether it’s “fake it till you make it” or “behave your way to success,” you have to give yourself a chance to play at the next level. That takes confidence and a willingness to stretch and take a risk. And by all means, once you take the leap, then become a ravenous consumer of every bit of information you can find. It doesn’t matter whether it’s from a book, a magazine, a news article, or some blog that you find on the Internet. Information is information; look under every rock to find something that informs you about the task at hand. Do not sit around passively waiting for somebody to send you to a class or take you by the hand and walk you through what it is you’re going to have to do. Take the initiative and grab information at every turn. And work smart, not just hard. Use the resources at your fingertips. Delegate to people who, although they may not see the big managerial picture, they probably have enough knowledge of the parts and pieces necessary to succeed. Delegation also allows you to multiply your power and yet stay in control. Be the portal for information with your bosses, but let others do as much as possible.

It’s been said that “good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from really bad judgment.” So, get some experience! And by the way, there’s a really good chance that the other people involved in the situation don’t know one bit more about it than you do. Give yourself a chance to succeed, whether it is in your love life or professional life or whatever. Take your shot. A risk-free life can be really boring, and the clock is ticking. Don’t let life pass you by because you’re playing it safe and sitting on the sidelines. The world is moving at a faster and faster rate, and it’s becoming easier and easier to fall behind in your own life. The new “Life Code” calls for playing big and playing bold. I promise that at the end of your life, it will not be the times you said “no” along the way that you will look back on fondly and with pride. Taking reasonable risks is not reckless, and if it is the potential of failure or embarrassment that frightens you, remember that you now know how to play the “what if?” game all the way to the end.

I do not believe in management by ultimatums, and I don’t believe in embracing rigid positions that take away your ability to move and adapt. For example, I don’t believe in going “nuclear” with kids, saying things like, “If I catch you drinking, you are grounded for life and will never get your driver’s license!” Now, I might agree with that sentiment, but my problems are with “life” and “never.” It leaves you nowhere to go; you have closed off your options. What do you do once you have grounded your child for life and told them that they will never drive an automobile? What are you going to do next, chain them in a dungeon?

Always leave yourself a face-saving way out. As we say in Texas, when you “throw down the hoe handle,” there’s nothing left to do but fight. Threats and ultimatums—particularly involving extreme consequences—paint you into a corner and leave you nowhere to go. Plus, particularly at work or in a relationship, you would be disclosing too much about what you think and feel. If you tell your boss, “If you hire her, I quit!” or if you tell your significant other, “If your crazy sister moves in with you, I am out of here!” then you’re trapped. There’s no way you can change your position without losing face. If in fact you believe that you’ll be looking for the door if the boss hires somebody you think is bad news or if your significant other’s crazy sister moves in, that’s okay—but why say so? The only possible reason would be to try to manipulate someone into not doing something they intend to do. But there are a whole lot better ways to dissuade them than painting yourself into a corner. If you’re going to leave, you don’t need to telegraph it. And if you’re not going to, then don’t say you are—because if your bluff gets called, you wind up looking like a wuss.

So, keep your options open, and don’t tell people everything you’re thinking. I can name 100 people who would be shocked to know how I really feel about them. They don’t know because they don’t need to know, and I don’t need them to know. If it’s nothing more than leverage and manipulation that you are looking for, go at it in a way that doesn’t paint you into a corner.

If there is a power struggle going on and you feel pressured and paint yourself into a corner, I promise you have just been manipulated by one side or the other, as they were trying to build an alliance. Once you declare your position, your leverage is gone, and winners never give up their leverage.

Whatever situation or circumstance you find yourself in will have rules, parameters, and almost always subtle nuances. And I’m not just talking about formal structures; there is always a dynamic that defines the give-and-take of life. You can gain a distinct advantage if you know, and I mean really know, the game better than anybody else.

When I started my doctoral training program, I had heard that it was one of the best programs in the country but that it was notoriously slow in terms of actually getting graduates out the door. Apparently they, like many complex academic programs, had a reputation for “moving the finish line” by changing requirements every time there was a change of leadership, and students wound up caught in the crossfire. So, when I arrived, rather than just diving right into my academic work, I studied the system to figure out whether there were ways that I could avoid having such a long journey in pursuit of a “moving target.” I dug deep and wide, and what I learned was that at some point during your matriculation, you were to file a “degree plan,” which is a
contract
between you and the university setting out exactly what will be required of you before you are awarded your degree. That set of requirements is governed by what is listed in the university catalog in force
at the time you file your plan
. Most students are in no hurry to get a degree plan filed because they expect to be there for at least five years, and it is a time-consuming process, so what’s the hurry? I didn’t wait; I completed and filed mine in the first week.

Fast-forward four years down the road when it was time for me to leave for my internship. I had completed all of the requirements outlined in my signed degree plan when the administration informed me that I in fact had another full year of requirements to complete—requirements that had been added a little at a time over the last several years. Wrong! I whipped out my
filed and signed
degree plan (
a contract
) that said if I completed the requirements outlined in the catalog at the time of filing that I was to be awarded my diploma. The additional year’s worth of requirements did not apply to me but applied to everyone who had not studied the system and filed their degree plan in a timely fashion. I studied the system, and I made it work for me. I also understood why the average course of academics was seven years when it should have been four or five.

The point is obvious: If you know the system, you know the game, and you really know how it’s played, so you have a distinct advantage over your competition. And make no mistake about it, you’re in a game, whether you like it or not. It’s up to you how well you play it—or whether you get played. Know the rules, know your options, and know how to use the system to your advantage. Like so much of the new “Life Code,” what I’m advocating here takes effort, but it will pay off in spades.

Winners are not lone rangers. You should strive to surround yourself with a nucleus of people who share your passion, share your vision, and support your pursuit of your goals. It is important to understand that people do not bond head-to-head; they bond heart-to-heart. Your goal is to get your nucleus of supporters to buy into your agenda not just intellectually but emotionally. This is a hugely important piece of information.

Also, recognize the reality that
everyone
approaches
every
situation at least in part asking the question, “What is in this for me?” If you can answer that question for your potential supporters, they are much more likely to truly get behind you.

You can create this emotional buy-in by empathetically putting yourself in the position of your potential supporters and seeing things through their eyes. You will need to figure out how to make it clear to those people how your success is in their best interest and that of the team. You cannot be at all places all the time; you cannot cover every demand or contingency by yourself. You need a team, and you need that team to be emotionally motivated toward a common goal. The team must see that you are “their guy.” They must see that you will lead them, protect them, and advocate for them. When they see this, they will do amazing things to ensure your success. We have talked about “playing big,” and you need to play big on their behalf. They need to see you advocating for them; they need to see you doing things that help them in their own quest. Play big, play flamboyantly. Let them see you taking action on their behalf, and they will support you at every turn. This is not just true in the workplace; this is true in your family, your social circles, and your pursuit of a happy marriage and family. You want to surround yourself with people who want you to succeed.

Denial is for suckers and losers. You must resolve to never, ever fail to acknowledge if you have a problem or are in some kind of toxic situation that is draining your very life energy. Pretending that everything is okay and that there aren’t any problems, when there are, is a fool’s folly. We have all done it and painfully learned that problems don’t get better with time. If there is a problem festering in any part of your life, personally, professionally, romantically, socially, or family-wise, you have to acknowledge it and create an action plan for dealing with it.

If you are not going to the doctor because you are afraid you are going to hear something you don’t want to hear, then you just need to “cowboy up,” as we say in Texas, and go deal with it. Look, we all know the truth when we hear it, and if you are lying to yourself, then you have an uneasy and false peace. As I said, half the solution to any problem lies in defining it. If you figure out what the problem is, then you are way down the road toward coming up with a solution.

If you are in a toxic marriage that is emotionally barren or perhaps even abusive, that circumstance will drain you dry, and that is not something you should allow to happen. If you have a relationship with a friend in which you feel as though you are being used, failing to deal with it will just drain you of important energy and build resentment that is not fair to you or the friend. Deal with the truth, and do not allow yourself to exist in toxic circumstances that will bleed you dry. You may think that you don’t know what to do about a problem, and you may be right, but denying its existence is not helping. Admit that it exists, put it on your radar screen and your to-do list, and resolve to start making some progress.

You may remember me saying that most, if not all, people’s favorite topic is themselves. That is not just an idle observation; it is powerful knowledge that you can use to your advantage in advancing yourself and your agenda in this world. I mentioned earlier that, over the years, I’ve observed a scary reality that we tend to believe people who like us. Think about what I just said: We tend to believe that someone is telling us the truth, not based on the validity of their message but, instead, because we feel liked by them. You can use this dynamic to your advantage. If you want the acceptance and you want for your opinion or point of view to be heard and well-regarded, you can create receptivity by being sensitive to your listener’s ego.

Whether you’re talking about your boss or the man you’re trying to get to marry you, you have resident power over their perception because you understand how to increase your credibility and persuasiveness. This may sound highly manipulative because, well, because it is. Again, I’m not telling you how the world
should
work; I am telling you how the world
does
work. I am describing human nature, and this point is just as sure as the sun coming up in the morning. This is powerful knowledge because you can use it to change the acceptability of you and your message, and possessing this knowledge can ideally inoculate you to falling prey to the reality.

I make no apology for sharing this reality with you. BAITERs use this tactic to groom victims by lulling them into a false sense of security so that they may be violated, but you can use it to create acceptance and allies in support of goals that advance your agenda without victimizing anyone along the way. Again, it is the
use
of the tool, rather than its
misuse
, that I advocate here.

Sometimes, no matter how much you try to avoid painting yourself into a corner and no matter how much you’ve learned about yourself and the people you’re dealing with, you just can’t avoid entering into a conflict with them. More often than not, knowing the “Nefarious 15” and utilizing all of the new “Life Code” playbook set forth so far in this chapter, you are going to be able to avoid most head-to-head confrontations. But, and this is a significant
but
, sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where you must stand and fight, even if it is not your preference.