Life Swap (3 page)

Or indeed the husband.

‘I was just telling Deborah that my daughter is finally potty-trained,’ Vanessa says warmly, and the voices in Vicky’s head start to recede. ‘She’s the last girl in her class, which is just so mortifying.’

‘Oh?’ Vicky has no idea what to say to this. ‘How old is she?’

‘Nearly two and a half. Can you imagine? How many kids do you have?’

‘I don’t.’ Vicky shrugs. ‘Just me.’

‘Ah.’ Vanessa doesn’t seem to know quite how to continue. ‘So, is your husband coming straight from work? I couldn’t believe Chris actually got home in time.’

Vicky grins. ‘I don’t have a husband. Just me, I’m afraid.’

Deborah reappears with a glass of wine for Vicky, and puts her arm around her. ‘I know, isn’t Vicky lucky? Can you even remember what it was like having no husband and kids?’

‘To be honest the only thing I desperately miss is my sleep. Especially on the weekends. I adore my daughter, but I wish she’d sleep beyond six o’clock on a Sunday.’

The other pretty blonde woman that Vicky doesn’t know comes over and introduces herself. ‘I couldn’t help overhearing. My son’s started having bad dreams so now he climbs into bed with us every night. You try sleeping with two men in your bed, both of them snoring and kicking you all night.’

‘I was going to say that was one of my fantasies,’ Vicky says, ‘until you got to the snoring and kicking bit.’

‘Used to be one of mine.’ Vanessa laughs. ‘Now my fantasies involve earplugs and feather beds.’

The men, congregating on the other side of the living room, come over. ‘Couldn’t help hearing something about fantasies,’ says the man who turns out to be Vanessa’s husband, Chris. ‘Thought now was the time to come over and join you.’

Vanessa rolls her eyes. ‘Trust me, it wasn’t anything for you to get excited about.’

‘Hello, I’m Christopher.’ Another man shakes Vicky’s hand. ‘I belong to Lisa. Where’s your other half?’

Oh for God’s sake, Vicky thinks. Is it really so alien that I should not have an other half…

She shrugs. ‘He had an accident this morning and had to have his nose and left ear removed. I’m going to see him at the hospital later.’

Christopher stands stock-still and stares at her. He has absolutely no idea what to do.

‘Oh I’m only joking.’ Vicky attempts a smile. ‘I don’t actually have a husband. And if I did and he had to have a nose and left ear removed, trust me, I’d be sitting at the hospital with him.’

‘Right,’ says Christopher, who quickly moves to the other side of the group.

It wasn’t until dessert that Vicky realized what was so strange. Nobody had asked her what she did. They had spent the evening talking about films they had seen, books they had read, indulging in the odd celebrity gossip story involving Kate and Jude and Sadie that Jackie swore came from an excellent source and was undoubtedly true.

And a large part of Vicky’s evening had been spent listening to them share their concerns about whoever the current au pair or nanny was. Deborah’s nanny, apparently, was lovely but ate like a horse.

‘I couldn’t believe it,’ Deborah said. ‘When she came she was, well, not skinny but slim, and I swear to you – six months later – she’s now an elephant. She just doesn’t stop eating.’

‘Well what does she eat?’ Lisa asked.

‘She comes down in the morning and pours herself a mountain of cornflakes,’ Deborah said, as Dick started to laugh.

‘I have to admit,’ Dick said, ‘even I was somewhat surprised.’

‘Then after the cornflakes she has two slices of toast with about an inch of peanut butter and jelly on them, and recently she’s started making herself fried eggs as well. I wouldn’t mind but I keep going to the fridge or larder to get something to eat and it’s all bloody well gone.’

‘See, that’s what drives me mad,’ Dick added. ‘I don’t care so much about what she eats but she’ll put back an empty box.’ The others around the table started laughing. ‘No, but seriously,’ Dick pleaded, ‘who does that? Why doesn’t she just throw it away? I’ll go to pour myself some rice krispies and there are three rice krispie grains at the bottom of the box. Throw the damn box away!’

‘My au pair’s just dopey,’ Vanessa said. ‘Lovely sweet girl but wouldn’t know initiative if it came up and hit her on the head. I came home the other night at quarter to seven and the kids had had no bath, and were running around the kitchen on a total sugar high. Guess what she’d made them for dinner…’ Vanessa paused dramatically. ‘Apple strudel.’

‘No!’ came the shocked response from the rest of the women in the room.

‘I’m serious. I phoned and told her that I wouldn’t be back to make dinner so could she make something,
but instead of sticking some fish fingers under the grill she took me at my word and made the only thing she knows how to make. Apple bloody strudel.’

‘Your kids must have been happy.’ Deborah grinned.

‘Happy? They were delirious. It took me about four hours to calm them down enough to get them to actually lie down.’

‘Well at least you didn’t have the pornmeister,’ said Christopher, exchanging grins with Lisa.

‘Oh God, that was unbelievable,’ said Lisa. ‘Tell them what happened.’

‘We had this fantastic nanny, Lucia. She’d been with us for two years and then her boyfriend came to visit and he stayed with us. A few days became a month, and then our cable bill arrived. He’d been going into the spare room every night at midnight and ordering porn films on cable, and watching them all night. Our cable bill was hundreds and hundreds of pounds.’

Lisa shuddered. ‘Not to mention the fact that this was a man helping Lucia look after our children.’

‘You don’t think…’ Vanessa said, not wanting to speak the unspeakable.

‘No. My kids were old enough for me to quiz them and I know they would have told me if anything untoward had happened. Still. It was awful.’

And Vicky decided to speak up. ‘We did an article last month about porn addiction, particularly on the Internet. It’s becoming more and more of a problem, and one of the main findings is that the more you watch
the more desensitized you become, and therefore the more you need to watch in order to get turned on.’

‘What do you do?’ Vanessa broke the silence. It clearly hadn’t occurred to anyone, other than Jackie and Deborah who knew, that Vicky might have a job, let alone something that might actually be interesting.

‘Vicky is Features Director of
Poise!
,’ Deborah announced proudly on Vicky’s behalf, and Vicky then spent the rest of the evening – short though it was – answering envious questions about her life, the magazine world, what celebrities she had met, and how incredible her life must be.

Finally they took notice of Vicky. Even though she didn’t have a husband.

‘I’m sorry for shouting at you.’ Vicky is contrite as she lies in the bath and picks up the phone.

‘Does that mean you want me to come over?’ Daniel’s smile is audible down the phone line.

‘Am I really that obvious?’

‘When you phone me at eleven at night then I pretty much know it’s not just for a chat.’

‘Well I’m in the bath now. How soon could you be here?’

‘Don’t move,’ Daniel says. ‘I’m on my way.’

Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Why can’t I fall in love with you? Vicky thinks as she watches him sit naked on the edge of the bed as he checks his email on his Blackberry then turns it off for the night.

‘You’re lovely,’ she says, reaching out and stroking his back, and he turns and smiles at her before climbing under the covers next to her.

‘You’re not so bad yourself,’ he says. ‘Wanna spoon?’ And Vicky snuggles against him, loving the warmth and intimacy of being cradled in another body.

He’s kind, funny, intelligent, but the only time Daniel ever makes her heart beat faster is just as she’s about to have an orgasm. And even then it’s entirely predictable. Daniel is just the quintessential boy next door, and Vicky believes he’d settle down with her in a heartbeat.

Although she’s not entirely right. There’s no question that Daniel does adore her, but Daniel has never been much good at exclusive relationships. He loves the ease of this arrangement, it suits him just as well as it suits her, and he’d be happy if they were to see one another more, but he’s not ready to give up the others. Not by a long shot. And one of the reasons he adores Vicky is that he thinks she knows that.

Vicky may be his regular neighbourhood shag, but that doesn’t stop him from going out with other women. So far there’s been no reason to stop seeing Vicky; after all, there don’t seem to be any rules about sleeping with more than one woman, just as long as you always wear a condom.

This evening, for instance, he had a date with Maya. He noticed her first because of her hair, a rich, burnished copper, and since he’s always had something of a thing for redheads he was happy to see that her face was just as striking as her hair.

Daniel had discovered that the Green Room at work seemed to be an excellent hunting ground for the producer of a sought-after evening chat show. Every Friday night the room was filled with gorgeous girls, most of whom dreamt of somehow getting on television, none of them particularly worried about casting-couch associations. And anyway, Daniel was no slouch in the looks department so it wasn’t as if they had to lie back and think of
Heat
magazine.

Maya was the PR for the winner of
Celebrity Survivor
– an ex-page-three girl with enormous breasts that covered a heart of gold. Daniel had introduced himself to both of them but whilst he had found himself completely unattracted to the ex-page-three girl (who incidentally wasn’t interested in Daniel but was perturbed that he didn’t appear to be interested in her), there was a definite frisson with the gorgeous redhead.

On his way home that night she had texted him. Flirtatious, funny, bold, it was exactly what he liked. Thank God, Daniel had been born when he had. Too lazy to make much of an effort himself, he adored these new women who seemed to do everything that was once presumed exclusive male territory. They phoned him, texted him, left messages for him. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had to work to get someone, the last time he felt the thrill of the chase.

Even his date with Maya was easy. He may have booked the table – the Wolseley, which was suitably impressive for a first date – but she was the one who phoned him and suggested they have dinner, and this
was after a series of late-night flirtatious phone calls, when Maya inevitably called Daniel.

Daniel was what his friends called a serial shagger. ‘It’s by default,’ he always shrugged. ‘I’m not doing anything! I can’t help it if women find me irresistible.’ And his friends would always splutter with laughter, except the ones who were married, and they tended to be both envious and patronizing – nothing’s as good as finding the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, they’d say, at the same time begging for details and shaking their heads in wonder at how Daniel managed to pull it off.

At thirty-eight years old Daniel’s charms didn’t appear to be waning. If anything they were growing stronger, and the fact that he was still able to date a full spectrum of women aged anything from eighteen upwards was reason enough not to settle down.

Of course there were the women who tried to change him. Who thought that the only reason he hadn’t settled down was that he hadn’t found the right woman and that
she
, whoever the
she
of the month happened to be, would be the one to make him change his mind.

But they soon realized their mistake. It was one of the things he loved about Vicky. She didn’t have any other expectations of him. It was a mutually compatible arrangement that suited them both perfectly. Even tonight when she’d invited him along as her date, he knew it wasn’t with any other motivations in mind.

Meanwhile, tonight had been a wonderful taster of what was to come. He’d had dinner with Maya, the
conversation growing more and more flirtatious as the wine flowed. They’d jumped into a cab outside the restaurant and had ended up kissing passionately on the back seat as they’d pulled up to her flat in Muswell Hill. She hadn’t invited him in which surprised him, but meant there was even more to look forward to next time.

But he was very happy to come home to the phone call from Vicky. Far better to join her for the night than go to bed alone with a hard-on.

And he does stay the night, which is no great hardship given her bed is a huge comfortable king-size. And he does fall asleep wrapped around Vicky, which is no great hardship given she’s warm and soft, and it is so unbelievably comforting, falling asleep entwined with someone else. And he does think, just for a moment when they wake up in the morning, that it must be quite nice to have this every day. To have someone to chat to as you’re getting dressed, to have this kind of ease with another person, to be able to share everything with a partner for life.

But then he remembers Maya. Her copper hair. Her quick tongue. The curve of her breasts that he traced outside her sweater on the back seat of the taxi. So many women. So little time.

Chapter Three

Amber groans as she rolls over and hits the alarm clock, sinking back into the pillows as she tries to force herself awake. Not that she should be tired, last night wasn’t, after all, a late night, but every morning it seems to be harder and harder to rouse herself from the cocooning comfort of her bed.

In the old days Jared would come in and wake her. She’d be woken by a little hand on her shoulder, or a whispered, ‘Mommy? Are you awake?’ And she’d throw back the covers for Jared to climb in and snuggle up next to her, stroking her face and relishing this alone time with Mommy.

Jared, Jar, was her first, and the one great love of her life. When she became pregnant with Grace, she spent months carrying this secret fear that she would never be able to love another child as much as Jared, that however fond she would be of this second child, Jared would always have her heart.

And it’s true, it did take her a long time to bond with Grace, far longer than with Jared, although the fact that she handed Grace over to a nanny two weeks after the maternity nurse left may have had something to do with it.