Life Without You (24 page)

Still, I owed it to them to prove that I had faith in each of their characters, to trust them with my vulnerability just as they had trusted me with theirs.

I was still sitting there, silent in my uncertainty, when one of the waitresses brought our tray of food.

“Your order came up, Vivi, so I thought I’d save you the trip,” the perky little blonde chirped with a cheery smile, setting down plates in front of Savannah and Annabelle without asking whose was whose. Obviously, she was familiar with this bunch; and once Vivi’s plate had been unloaded from the tray, the girl proudly placed my sandwich in front of me, having deduced that the last item could only be mine.

“Thank you, Darla,” Vivi said, giving the girl a smile. “Once you’ve put the tray away, you can go on home. I think we’re pretty much done with the lunch rush, and Rachel and I can handle whoever else comes in.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Darla drawled. “Enjoy y’all’s lunch. I know you’re off tomorrow, Vivi, so I’ll see you next week?”

Vivi nodded, and the girl walked off after one last smile.

“Darla is such a sweet girl,” Vivi said, watching her head back to the kitchen. “Smart little thing, too. Wants to go to William and Mary when she graduates, and she’s certainly got the grades for it.”

“Has she worked for you long?” I asked, glad for the reprieve in conversation.

“A year or so. Known her parents for forever, though. I went to high school with her mama. Really, really nice family,” she said with a sigh. There was something almost wistful in her eyes.

“Do you ever wish you had children of your own?” The question came as a surprise, even to me, and I was the one asking it.

Vivi shot me a look. “I used to, but I stopped wishing after a little while. Some women just weren’t meant to have children, and I’m one of them,” she said simply. “But stop sidestepping, Dellie. What are you avoiding?”

“Dellie, you can tell us,” Savannah said quietly, her blue eyes wide with concern and curiosity. “None of us will judge you. I hope you know that.” She laid a hand on my arm, a silent urge that I would hear and trust her sincerity.

“I know.” I nodded, realizing that I was probably far from convincing. “I just…” I stopped, not knowing quite how to explain what I was feeling. “You’re going to think I’m a fool. You’re going to wonder why I haven’t just…gotten over everything and gotten on with my life.”

“Why don’t you tell us and let us come to our own conclusions, Dellie?” Annabelle suggested gently.

All four of us sat there at our little table, our plates of food untouched.

“We can sit here as long as you like. None of us has anywhere to be, right, ladies?” Annabelle asked, the tone of her voice leaving little room for argument.

Vivi and Savannah shook their heads.

It seemed that I wasn’t getting out of it this time—no matter how many evasive tricks I tried.

I took a deep breath. These were women I could trust, women I could lean on and learn from. Women who had grown through struggle and would understand my own. We were all, in some way, caught in prisons of our own making, seeking release from whatever was holding us back.

Maybe my trip here could be the marker of new beginnings and healing for all of us.

Chapter Nineteen

The afternoon stretched on, like saltwater taffy left out in the sun, as I told them everything. It felt like a narrative of someone else’s life, an odd and twisted tale conjured up by the imagination of someone with an odd and twisted mind. An eight-month marriage that should have never happened, ending in a manhunt. An eight-month mind game that had taken small, slow hits at me. I had been naive to trust someone I knew so little about, and it had cost me in ways that were still taking their toll. My biggest shame, though, was not so much in my naivety, but in how I was still allowing myself to be enslaved to the damage.

By telling them all of it now, these women would be able to see just how weak I was.

When I had finally finished, our plates had been emptied and cleared, the detritus of numerous cups of coffee littering the surface of the table.

Gauging by all of their reactions to my words, I was guessing that all three of them would have welcomed the addition of something stronger than creamer to their coffee.

And while all of them offered exclamations and questions at various points along the way, not one of them showed any sign of judgment. Instead, they showed only concern, shock, and anger at what had happened. They proved, beyond doubt, that they were on my side. Even more than that, they offered me one more sign of hope that I could be strong enough to become whole again.

“Dellie, do you not see how amazing it is that you’re still standing up straight? You’re
here
—you’re supporting yourself and doing something you love doing. He didn’t take all of that away from you—
you’re
still here.” The words that Savannah was speaking now weren’t dissimilar to those that my family had been saying to me all these months. But coming from Savannah, they carried a different sort of weight. Here was a young woman who had lost a husband she loved to a horrible disease, and she was telling
me
that
I
was amazing?

I shook my head. “No, I’m not amazing, Savannah. Far from it. I’ve been afraid of things for so long—even before all of this. I’ve let it make me become something—someone—I’m not proud to be. I’m proud of what I’m doing with my
writing
, of course, and it sometimes still shocks me that I’m making it—sometimes just barely—but I am,” I admitted. “But who I am when I’m
not
writing…that’s not who I want to be. I’m tired of being so afraid, but I still seem to be unable to find my way out of it. That’s part of why I came here,” I continued, wondering what they were all thinking. “I needed a place to clear my head. And I wanted forgiveness, I guess. For not coming when I should have, after Grammie died. I let fear keep me away. I did that, and I can’t undo it. I just want to be forgiven,” I said, feeling the threat of more tears.

Vivi reached out a hand to take mine in hers, squeezing gently as she spoke. “I’m sure you have it, Dellie. I know I can’t speak for your grammie, but I knew Merry enough to know, with every single solitary bone in my body, that she would forgive you. You just have to forgive yourself. And learn to live again. To
make yourself
live again. The choice is
yours
, Dellie. Remember that.
Choose
.”

She was right. I had to choose.

“Savannah, what do you think would happen if you took Annabelle up on her offer for the loan?” I asked a few days later as we sat on a bench downtown, watching the carousel spin its course, each of its handcrafted antique horses looking regal as they paraded past our view to the lively soundtrack of band organ music. These were the sights and sounds of my childhood, snapshots of summers past when Grammie had brought Charlie and me here, to this local landmark along with my cousins, to ride the carousel’s horses or to walk through the Air and Space Center that was mere steps away. This close to the water, you could smell the sea air and watch the seagulls as they flew in greedy search of their next meal. Much like the rest of Hampton, this was an area steeped in history, layered by hundreds of years during which innumerable people had walked past this very spot where we now sat.

Savannah sighed, looking uncharacteristically tired. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s the thing that worries me,” she said slowly, eyes still staring straight ahead at the carousel’s horses. It was mid-afternoon, a time of day when downtown was bustling, and a rider had claimed each horse. Shrieks of glee did battle against the steady stream of music, a sure sign that—despite the advent of technology and the allure of video games—the old-fashioned fun of a carousel ride could still draw an audience.

“I guess I’m afraid that if I take Annabelle’s offer, it’ll change everything. Right now, we’re friends; but what if I fail? How would I ever pay her back for something like that?” She shook her head. “I couldn’t stand the pressure. Same reason I won’t ask for money from Caleb’s parents. It’s really nice to know that so many people believe in me, but…” She trailed off with another sigh. “Do you ever feel like you’re a complete fraud? Like, if people knew what was really going on in your head, they’d see just what a mess you are and lose all confidence in you?”

I stared at her in surprise. That was a feeling I’d had many times myself, but it wasn’t a sentiment I had expected from Savannah. She was so lively and bubbly, so optimistic. True, I’d seen signs of her own lack of self-confidence, but I hadn’t realized just how great it was. She was so talented. Couldn’t she see that and trust that her dream was worth pursuing?

“See, you
do
think I’m nuts,” she said, turning her eyes on me.

“What? No,” I insisted. “Not at all. I actually feel like that all the time, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s part of the reason I really didn’t want to tell you about everything that happened with me—my marriage, my anxiety problems. If I compare my story to yours or Vivi’s or Annabelle’s, I feel like mine is just so…
small
. Like it should be so simple to get on and get over
all
of it, and you guys must think that I’m weak and idiotic and crazy not to have done it by now. I guess I kind of thought that none of you would respect me for being so stuck in struggling.”

“Far from it. I feel stuck, too; and even though I know I’m getting in my own way, I don’t really know how to get out. Maybe if Caleb was here, things would be different, but…” There were tears in her eyes as she looked at me, the pain apparent.

“You miss him a lot, don’t you?” I asked quietly.

She nodded, sniffing slightly. “All the time. You would have loved him, Dellie. Everybody did. And he believed in me so much that it made me believe in myself, you know?” She smiled sadly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind one ear. “But now, without him here? I feel like I lost that, too. What if I’m not really good enough? What if I try it and fail? Everyone will think I’m foolish and irresponsible.”

“But you’ll never know for sure unless you try, Savannah. And you’ll always be wondering
What if?
”

She looked at me appraisingly. “Is that why you did it, why you quit your job to start writing? So that you could stop wondering?”

“In one of my rare moments of bravery, yes. And I’m glad I did it, even though it scared the tar out of me to do it,” I said, thinking back on things. It was the absolute, unvarnished truth. I had been scared out of my mind to hand in my notice at work. But I had also been so overwhelmed by my need to get out of a place that left me feeling so stuck and unfulfilled that taking the leap seemed my only solution. Why couldn’t I be more like that in the rest of my life?

“I’m hardly the one to be giving you advice, though, Savannah. Remember what I told you the other day at Azalea’s? If you had any idea of
everything
that fear has stopped me from doing—” I felt the burn of tears in my own eyes now “—I’m such a coward, Savannah. There’s so, so much that I’ve missed,” I barreled on. “So much that I’m still missing out on, and I don’t know how to get out of this…this…
place
. I
want
to be out of here, but I don’t know how!” The tears were finally making their escape, trailing steadily down my cheeks. “I’ve been here so long that anything else seems impossible. But it has to be.
It has to be
—” I knew how desperate my voice sounded, but I was past caring. “I
have
to be okay. There’s more to me than this, Savannah. I wish you had known me before—you would have liked that Dellie. That Dellie was fun and daring, and I miss her.”

“You’ll find her again, Dellie. She’s still in there—I’ve seen little bits and pieces of her since you came here, I think. Being here, making new friends, and being away from where you’re comfortable—that’s s a big step, do you know that?”

I shook my head, my eyes clouding. “It’s not nearly a big enough step, though. Vivi is right. I have to choose. I have to take back the power—and sometimes it just seems so impossible.” I sighed, feeling so discouraged by my own weakness.

“It’s not impossible, though. It’s
not
,” Savannah said, sounding far older and wiser than her years. “You’re
strong
. And there are people who want to be with you, to support you every step of the way, if you let them.” She paused for a moment, watching as the carousel horses danced. “I felt so lost after Caleb died, and I was desperate for some kind of sign that my life didn’t have to be over, just because he was gone. I always thought that only old women were widows, you know? And all of a sudden, I was a widow. I was afraid that meant I’d used up all my chances, so early in the game, and that I’d have to spend the rest of my life alone.”

Savannah’s voice was far off and contemplative. “I had my parents, and Caleb’s parents, and that really did help get me through a lot; but I still felt so, so alone. None of them had ever been through anything like that, none of them knew what it felt like to lose the person you thought you’d spend your life with.” She sniffed again, and I could see a fresh batch of tears work their way to the corners of her eyes. “It’s funny, though, how things work out. I’d known Annabelle and Vivi before Caleb died, but I never really got to
know
them until then. That was when I truly came to think of them as friends, odd as that may sound.” She shrugged and gave me a watery smile. “We made a little band of merry widows, I guess. But they were really there for me—and they knew what it was like.”

“Having people like that is important,” I murmured, remembering how oddly alone I felt when my sham of a marriage had come to its end. I had the wonderful support of my family; but the entire thing was something that no one I knew could really relate to. Especially in light of the fact that the man I had married was, sadly, not someone I could grieve for. His arrest had meant my freedom; and even though it brought with it a sense of relief, I was still left having nightmares that he might come after me someday. Eventually, I realized that would never happen; he was safely out of my life for good, oceans away. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I couldn’t trust anyone that way with my heart again; that I couldn’t trust my own judgment.