Lifelong Affair (24 page)

'
wasn't too difficult to find,' he derided. 'I'm usually at my office at two
o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon.'

'Your
office...' she choked weakly. 'I never thought to look for you there.

Alex
looked at her sharply. 'Why would you look for me at all? You wanted to leave,
remember?'

She
swallowed convulsively. Janet had told him everything, and he was so disgusted
with her for believing such lies about him that he couldn't bear her around any
more.

'I
think your sister is ill.' She didn't answer his question.

'I
know that now,' he nodded. 'And so, thank God, does she.'

'She
does?' Morgan frowned.

'Yes,'
he sighed, his hands thrust into his trouser pockets. 'She didn't come to see
me to cause more trouble, Morgan, she came to try and make right a serious
wrong. Whatever you said to her this morning certainly brought her to her
senses. She's going to seek professional help.'

'But
why is she like that?' She tried to delay the inevitable, that of having Alex
ask her to leave his life.

'Janet
isn't the only one to blame for the way she is—we all are. Oh, not you,'
he dismissed. 'You weren't even here when it happened. It's the rest of us that
have been so damned insensitive,' he bit out grimly. "You see, eighteen
months ago Janet lost a baby. She hadn't realised she was pregnant, and she
continued with the hectic pace of her life as usual. By the time she realised
what had happened it was too late. She lost the baby at only three
months—a little boy,' he finished softly.

Tears
filled Morgan's eyes at the suffering Janet had kept hidden from everyone, the
agony of losing a baby.

Alex
seemed not to notice her tears but continued talking. 'Of course we all
expressed sympathy, the sort of inane remarks that everyone spouts at such a
time, nothing that really meant very much, or eased her pain. Then Glenna
became pregnant,' he said harshly. 'Everyone was overjoyed by the news, and
Janet's loss was forgotten. Can you imagine what it did to her, to see Glenna
growing with a healthy child, to see the attention she was getting, and know
that some of it should have been hers?'

'Yes,'
Morgan choked. 'Oh, poor Janet!' She had never dreamt that such heartache was
the reason for Janet's need to cause others pain.

'Yes,'
he agreed dully. 'I think when Glenna died, and you became Courtney's mother,
her hate passed on to you.'

'Will
she—will she be all right?'

'I
think so,' Alex nodded. 'With professional help and a damned sight more
thoughtfulness from her family. Now we come to the lie she told you about
Glenna and me.'

She
chewed on her bottom lip at the chill that came into his eyes. 'I was a fool, I
knew that as soon as you left last night. Glenna was married to your brother.'

'But
she was unhappy here.'

'Not
that unhappy!'

'No,'
he acknowledged tautly. 'Although you've probably guessed, from your own
experience with her, that my mother made Glenna's life here almost unbearable?'

'That
much was obvious!'

He
sighed. 'Mark was my mother's baby, no woman would have been good enough for
him. She chose to believe what she wanted to, never seeming to realise how
deeply Glenna and Mark loved each other.'

'Then
Courtney wasn't a way of keeping the marriage together?'

'Something
else one of the charming members of my family implied?' Alex derided almost
disbelievingly. 'No, Courtney was a wanted and loved baby, a result of their
love for each other. But how did you feel about him when you thought he was my
son?'

Morgan
frowned. 'I loved him, the same as I always have,'

'And
me? How did you feel about me?' He seemed tensed as if for a blow.

Honesty—she had to give him honesty.
'The thought of you and Glenna— hated it, she told him
heatedly. 'And I hated you for making me her substitute
    
'

'Dear
God, you thought that?' he groaned.

'Yes,'
she admitted miserably. 'And it tore mc apart. I knew you didn't love me, but I
thought what we did have was for me, not—not—I was a fool,' she
repeated shakily.

'And
what do we have, Morgan? Alex asked softly. 'A good relationship in bed?

'Definitely
that. And—and my love for you,' she faced him fearlessly. 'I love you,
Alex,' she told him strongly. 'I loved you before I married you, and I've loved
you ever since.'

For
a moment he seemed not to want to look at her, he was so deep in thought, then
he gave a ragged sigh. 'Your honesty has always—shaken me,' his eyes
glowed deeply grey as he looked at her. 'It isn't something I'm used to in
women.'

'I'm sorry you were hurt in the past,' she said with
gentle
sincerity, 'But I would never use my body to blackmail our relationship. This
other woman
          
'

'My
mother, he told her harshly. 'I watched her control and manipulate my father
from the time I knew what was going on. God, what a family you and Glenna both
married into!' he said disgustedly. 'My mother, who used her body to control
her marriage, my sister, who's more deeply scarred inside than any of us
realised, my brother, who never quite grew up, and—and an emotional
cripple.' He looked at her with pained eyes. 'The last one is me,' he admitted
raggedly.

'Alex.
..?' She was shocked by what he had just told her. There hadn't been another
woman who had hurt him, only his mother, and the friend she had thought he was
talking about yesterday had been his father! Somehow she couldn't see his
mother in the role he had painted for her.

'Oh,
it's true, Morgan,' he seemed to read her thoughts. 'Even her children were
produced with precise regularity, at four-yearly intervals. My father
worshipped the ground she walked on, and she used that, she used it to control
him!'

'Maybe she loved him too, Alex, she comforted
him. 'After all, she's been a widow for some time'

'Twenty
years, he confirmed.

'And
she never remarried. It can't have been easy bringing up three children on her
own, even when she sent you all to boarding school. Wouldn't it have been
easier for her to remarry? She's still an attractive woman; she must have been
beautiful-then.'

'She
was, he nodded. 'And maybe she did love him, in her own way. But it was a
destructive love, not the sort of love I wanted for myself. When we married, on
our wedding night, and all the nights after that, when you gave yourself to me
so completely, I knew you loved mc. And I was afraid of that love, afraid of
what it might do to me.'

'Love
can't hurt you, Alex,' she told him throatily. 'Only hate and loneliness can do
that.'

He
closed his eyes, breathing deeply. 'When I realised you loved me I think
 
did hate you for a while.'

'Alex!'
she gasped her hurt.

He
turned to look at her, his mouth twisted into a wry smile. 'You haven't heard
why I hated you yet. Knowing, guessing, how you felt, made mc examine my own
feelings for you. And I didn't like what I found,' he admitted hardly. 'I think
it started that day we arrived back in England together and you expressed
concern for how tired I looked, and told me to rest. Everyone else seemed to
think I could go on indefinitely, that I could accept the deaths of my brother
and Glenna as if I didn't give a damn. Only you seemed to see that I was as
deeply affected as the rest of you.'

'You
hid it well, Alex,' Morgan said huskily. 'You know that at first I thought you
were very cold-blooded about it too.'

'I
felt guilty,' he rasped. 'There'd been one hell of a row before they left. You
see, they weren't coming back here, they were going to stay in the States.
Glenna was becoming increasingly unhappy here, and Mark had no idea how to
break away from the family. I arranged for him to run the branch of Hammond
Industries in the States. When my mother found out she was furious—with
all of us,' he added grimly. 'It was far from a pleasant parting for them.'

'But
I'm sure they were happy to just get away.'

'I'm sure they were too,' Alex nodded. 'But I still
couldn't help my feelings of guilt. Maybe if I hadn't arranged for them to
leave they wouldn't have been on that plane, they would still have been alive.
Then you came back here with me, and I couldn't seem to stop the desire I felt
for you. I told myself it could only be desire. But instead of having the
affair with you that I wanted
 
asked you to marry me. I had no idea why I'd done that.'

'Courtney
--
'

'Had
nothing to do with it,' he shook his head. The situation could have been
resolved by my moving to the States—I didn't need to marry you. No, I
wanted you, but I just didn't want to have to admit that I did. Then after we
were married there seemed no reason to admit anything; we were happy together
without my having to make any kind of emotional commitment. When you suddenly
turned against me three days ago I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand
it, and I couldn't seem to stop it either. So instead I walked out.'

'Last night
-
'

'Spent
on the couch in my office,' he admitted grimly. 'Both times I've walked out on
you, last night and the day we came back from our honeymoon, I've spent there.'

'You
should have just come home,' Morgan choked.

'I
couldn't. I was still afraid of what I might have to do to get you to stay, to
remain my wife.' Alex swallowed hard, looking very pale. 'I still can't say it,
damn it!' he ground out harshly. 'Even though I may lose you if I don't.'

Morgan
stood up to run to him, her arms about his waist as she pressed her head
against his chest. 'You won't lose me, and you don't have to say anything,
Alex. I don't need the words,' she smiled up at him tearfully. 'I can say it
for both of us; I love you, Alex. I love you so much.'

His
arms closed about her fiercely. 'You deserve the words,' he spoke roughly into
her hair.

'But I don't
need
them.' She kissed the hard line of his jaw,
knowing this man was truly hers, that he always had been. 'All I need is you.'

'I
need you too, Morgan,' he groaned. 'Without you now I think I'd die!'

'Darling
. . .' she raised her face to his, kissing him with all the love inside her.
'Come to bed, Alex,' she invited breathlessly. 'Come to bed and let mc love
you.'

And
as they made love Alex told her the words she longed to hear, told her over and
over again until they became one being, one person, drowning in that love.

He
grinned down at her a long time later. 'I feel— free, he said
lightheartedly. 'For the first time in years I don't feel a need to hide the
way I feel. And it's all due to you, my darling.' His arms tightened about her.
'I've said it before, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying it—you're
one hell of a woman, Morgan Hammond.'

'And
you're one hell of a man, Alex Hammond,' she laughed up at him happily,
sobering suddenly. 'Alex, I have something to confess to you.' She played with
the dark hair on his chest.

'Confess
away,' he invited indulgently.

She
drew in a deep ragged breath. 'When Janet told me—what she did,
I—I—There were special circumstances why I
think
I believed her so
readily.'

His
brows rose. "There were?'

'Mm.' She chewed on her top lip, unable to
meet his gaze. 'I've been a little emotional lately, and
           
'

'A
little!' he scorned.

'Well,
there's a reason for it!' She gave him an indignant look. 'I had something I
was going to share with you, to share with everyone at Courtney's
christening—if Janet hadn't spoilt it with her lie,'

'I
had some cake, thank you,' he taunted her.

'Alex,
will you please be serious!' she said crossly.

He
did his best to keep a straight face. 'Of course. But can I tell you one more
time that I love you first?'

'Never
stop telling me that.' She kissed him deeply,
knowing by the gleam in
his eyes as she raised her head that his desire had been aroused once again.
'Alex, I—I
     
'

'Well,
spit it out, woman,' he growled, nuzzling into her neck. 'I have three nights
of abstinence to make up for.'

'Well,
make the most of it now, buster,' she snapped, 'because in a few months I'll be
so fat you won't be able to get near me!' She watched as he slowly raised his
head, passion and amusement both gone now as he looked from her face to her
still flat stomach, lingering there, his hand moving to frame the slight swell
he had detected. 'I know it doesn't look much at the moment,' she giggled at
his awestruck expression. 'But another month or two and your daughter will
be kicking about like a soccer player."