Life's Perfect Plan (The Life Series) (7 page)

Once the crying has turned to sniffles and we feel there are no more tears to make, we all sit down on the bed. “Beth, you said you needed to see us right away, what’s wrong dear?” She murmurs to me.

“First, I want to say I am sorry for not being there for you when Grant passed at the hospital. Ella felt I needed to be sedated because of my situation. I wanted to help you plan his memorial. I am happy that you went along with Grant’s wishes for him to be cremated. I was given two unexpected blows of emotions to me and I felt that you two needed to be a part of both.” I take in a few cleansing breath for what I have to tell them.

“Last week, we did one more implantation. The only thing is that Grant didn’t know about it. I had it done Friday morning due to the embryos not looking viable. They rushed me in for the procedure. I didn’t want to tell him because I knew he would drop everything and come home. I knew how much he looked forward to the trip. I didn’t want to ruin it with all of this that we have been through a few times.” I start to shake, because I realize if I had just told him, he would have been home, none of this would have happened. He would be here with me; we would be celebrating the arrival of our baby. I start to cry hard, “Oh God, it’s my fault I should have told him, he would be here!!” Anna shushes me and says it’s the drunk drivers fault. Cole asks me to continue.

“At the hospital I saw the doctors trying to revive Grant. I lost it and broke down. Ella was with me. She knew that I had the procedure done 48 hours prior. Somewhere between my break down and sobbing fit she had a doctor give me a sedative to knock me out. She knew I needed to be calm for the implantation to go smoothly. Somewhere between the days I slept they did blood work on me … and I found out that I … I … I’m pregnant.” I sputter the words out as if someone was holding my tongue. It is such a hard blow to me that I finally got pregnant when Grant is dead. Felt like an eye for an eye for me to get a baby I had to lose my husband. It felt so wrong.

Anna just holds onto me and cries. What came next I never thought would happen. I feel heat and prickly pain across my cheek. “You selfish, selfish, selfish bitch!” Anna stands up and screams at me. I hold my cheek and cry. Not knowing what to say or do. Cole grabs Anna and hugs her tight, telling her to calm down. “Cole let me go! I will not calm down when she decided to put her needs first before thinking of our son.”

Cole grabs Anna and tries to push her out of the room. She swings around and points her finger in my face. “Let me tell you something … I know my son wanted a baby just as desperately as you did. You know he would have wanted to be with you rather than on a stupid bike. You only thought of yourself and didn’t give him a chance to experience this with you. I hope to God he takes this baby from you. You don’t deserve to have any part of Grant!”

“ANNA enough!” Cole shouts to her. He grabs her by the elbow and tugs her away from me and pushes her through the door.

I wrap my arms around my stomach and rock back and forth on the bed. “Oh God … Oh God!!” I get mad and scream. I get so mad that I throw the pillows off the bed; I swing and knock the lamp off the table. I throw the remote across the room. Then I pick up the picture of Grant and I standing underneath the waterfalls in Hawaii and I throw it across the room where glass splinters into tiny pieces all over the place.

“AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!” I scream at the top of my lungs while I thrash my hands through my hair. Ethan runs into the room and stops me from doing any more damage. I clench my fist and start to pound into his back. Tears and tears pour out of my eyes as gut wrenching screams come out of my quivering mouth. “Ethan, it’s my fault … it’s my fault he is dead! Ethan, oh God, help me! Ethan, I’m dying here! I need Grant … I need Grant. WHY!!!!” Ethan just stands there, holding me as my mother comes in with a glass of water and a tiny white pill.

“Elizabeth, please take this. Ella told me to give this to you if you start to freak out.” My mother stands there with a little white pill in the palm of her hand.

“Freak out mother … of course I am freaking out, my husband is DEAD. Some stupid fucker thought it was ok to get onto a motorcycle while drunk and drive down on the wrong side of the road. Some stupid fucker made a car hit my husband so hard that he went air born 37 feet and landed on iron wrought tables and chairs. Some stupid fucker not only killed my husband, his best friend, but five others and himself. So excuse me if I am freaking out, but I feel I have a fucking right to freak out!” I grab the water and pill out of her hands. The water feels great going down my dry and scratchy throat, making the pill slide down with ease. Grabbing Grant’s pillow, I go back to lie on the bed and pray for some peace as I try to sleep.

Saturday, evening comes way too quickly. Luckily I spent most of the day sleeping. Ella has been a saint with the pills
. I wonder if I could just keep taking the pills the rest of my life as it does make some of the pain go away?
Getting dressed hurts. Starting to button up my dark grey, short sleeved, blouse I stare at myself in the mirror and I see a woman I don’t even recognize. I’m just a shell of a person. I tuck the blouse into my black slacks, slip my feet into black ballet flats, I brush my hair and place a black headband on my head. Not going to do anything fancy, for God sakes I’m saying goodbye to my husband today. My only make up that I struggle to apply is lip gloss. My hands can’t stop shaking. One last look in the mirror before I head out the door, to a day I never saw coming. We were supposed to have sixty plus years together.

As I grab my purse and phone off my dresser, Ethan walks in with a DVD case. “Now is not the time to watch a movie, little brother.” I sarcastically gripe to him.

“Elizabeth, I made something for you and Grant’s parents. I told them and they think it’s a great idea, but I wanted to tell you so you weren’t surprised.”

“What?” Is all I can say?

“While you were in the hospital I got pictures from Anna and grabbed pictures around the house of Grant. I made a video montage of his life. Something for you to keep. Something to show the baby when he or she is older, and something to show at the memorial. It’s a celebration of his life. I know this is a grieving time for you, but I know Grant would want you to be happy. Happy that you both finally got what you wanted. That no matter what your baby will be watched out from up above. He loved you so much Elizabeth, all he wanted was for you to be happy no matter what.”

“Wow, Ethan, when did you get all Hallmark on me? How can I be happy when my other half is burnt to ashes in some damn ceramic box? I know you are trying to be helpful and say sweet shit, but I can’t hear it right now. Thank you very much for the DVD, and yes, I guess it will be fine to watch at the memorial.”
I am such a bitch!
I know it. I know what just spewed out of my mouth was immature and hateful. Ethan walks out of the room with his shoulders hunched forward and his head turned down. As I am walking to the kitchen bar to grab my things, he grabs his keys, walks through the front door and slams it shut as he walks out. My parents look at me and know not to say a word to me.

The hotel reception room that my in-laws reserved for the memorial sight is beautiful. Grant and I didn’t belong to a church and we knew the crematorium wouldn’t house the many people we were expecting. The only option was to hold his memorial at a hotel. There are chairs all lined up in rows, with Grant’s memorial program on each chair. There is a podium up front with baskets of flowers around it. There is a small table to the left that has an 8x10 head shot of Grant from our wedding. His ceramic black box of his ashes with candles lit around it. There are tables and chairs in the back, for the small reception we’ll have later of coffee and desserts. By the back of the wall are long tables and lining the tables are awards, plaques and pictures of Grant some with family and friends, but mostly him. I can tell many were from Anna’s house. There was a huge glass bowl and note cards where people could write memories with Grant and place them in the bowl. I’m told that once we spread Grant’s ashes on the beach, we are to read these slips of paper. I feel my mother in law is making this more of a party than a quiet good-bye.

Cole’s brother, who is an ordained minister, will be doing the memorial service. Family, friends, and people I have never met come to me and give me hugs, kisses and their condolences. I’m engulfed with arms that give me a tight hug. Looking over my shoulder I see it is Ella. “How are you holding up?” She whispers in my ear.

“Besides this being the shittiest day of my life, I’m just great!” She cocks her head to the side and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on and let’s go sit. James is about to start the service.”

“Ugh, Ella I can’t do this. I should just leave. Anna hasn’t even looked at me, I feel like a stranger around all these people.”

“Let’s go, you can do this!” She says as she wraps her arm around my waist and guides me to the left side of chairs. She places me next to my mother as she sits to my left. James starts the service by talking about Grant, who his parents are, when he was born, how he was as a child, him in high school playing football, at college, law school, meeting me, our wedding, and him as a damn good lawyer.

“Elizabeth’s brother has made a video of Grant’s life. You can see firsthand what a wonderful life Grant had. It was way too short for him, but he made every day count and lived it to the fullest. Let’s watch.” James says as he walks to go sit next to Cole.

I start to shake, my heart beats are doubling in rhythm. I can feel sweat starting to drip down my back. Closing my eyes because I don’t think I can watch this. I listen as I start to hear
Josh Groban’s
song
Awake
come to life. The first picture to appear is Anna in the hospital holding Grant, there are pictures of him as he ages every year. Mostly his birthday and Christmas pictures through the years. Many football pictures, his high school graduation picture, college graduation. I finally see a picture of him and me in our caps and gowns, one of us looking at the camera and the other kissing, then there are pictures of him in law school, us on dates, us on the beach, and us at Disney World with Mickey Mouse. These pictures seem like they are such a distant memory, but at the same they seem like they just happened yesterday.

Hearing the lyric
s, “just keep me awake, so I can memorize you …”
It is the most touching song I have ever heard and so true. I can’t cry for the loss I have.

I watch these pictures memorize Grant and our memories. I see our engagement pictures appear, then our wedding. Looking at our wedding I feel like someone had punched me in the gut. Our wedding was the most magical day I have ever experienced. I couldn’t breathe. I had finally cracked! I have died on the inside.

Ella slides over to hug me, whispering me to breathe. She keeps saying, “it’s OK.” I want to smack her and say it’s not OK. This is a cruel, sick joke that life vomited in my face.

I wipe my tears to watch the last few pictures are of him lying in our backyard with our dogs, then our family picture of him and me sitting in the grass with Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm. Kate took those pictures during the Labor Day Bar-B-Q at our house. I was going to use them for our Christmas card pictures this year. Then the final two are of him on his bike, and then the close up of him on the bike in the same pose. He was so damn handsome; I wish I would have taken more pictures of his face. He was so photogenic. I just stare at those beautiful brown eyes, as if he is staring at me through the camera lens. Feeling more tears slowly side down my cheek, because I know I will never see those eyes look at me again.

Ella hugs me to her. I turn around and kiss her cheek. Needing to get up, I walk over to Ethan, sit on his lap and just hug him. I whisper in his ear, “Ethan thank you for giving me something so special. I am so sorry for what I said earlier. I’m sorry for being such a bitch. You know I didn’t mean it. I love you and thank you so much.” I kiss his cheek as I get up and walk over to Cole and Anna.

Cole rises as he sees what I am doing. He embraces my hug and squeezes me, “Beth, you know Anna didn’t mean anything she said yesterday. She’s hurting. We all are hurting. Most of all we love you as our own. We couldn’t be happier about our grandchild. We just hope you will keep us in his or her life.”

I push away with my hands on his chest. I look into those same beautiful brown eyes as Grant’s and say, “I could never keep the both of you away from this baby. I hope that he or she brings you as much joy and happiness as Grant brought to you both. I am truly sorry for what I did. I will live with this guilt the rest of my life, please know that. He should have been there.”

Anna stands up and puts her arms my waist and hugs me. “Please forgive me Beth. I’m so sorry and I want this baby just as much as you. This baby is all I have left of Grant.” I nod my head in agreement. I kiss her on the cheek and start to make my rounds to family and friends.