Lift Me Higher (10 page)

T
orie paced nervously in the reception area of the news station where Lisette worked. She’d been informed by the receptionist that Lisette was still wrapping up a segment and would be available to see her shortly. She thought she’d wear a hole in the carpet before those doors leading to the inner offices opened, but what seemed liked hours was actually only a few long minutes.

“Ms. Turner, you’re free to go in now,” the receptionist said at long last.

Torie made a beeline for the glass doors when the receptionist pressed the button that released their lock. She walked down the gray-carpeted hallway, passing by frosted-glass-partitioned offices of various other producers and studio personnel. Lisette was standing in front of her office door when Torie approached.

“What on earth is going on? You had poor Diane out at reception nervous as I don’t know what. She left me two e-mails and three voice-mail messages that you were out there waiting for me,” Lisette said.

“I’m sorry, I just had to see you,” Torie said.

She bustled past Lisette and stalked into her office. She plopped down on the nearest chair, threw her purse on top of Lisette’s cluttered desk and covered her face in her hands.

“Okay, now you’re really scaring me,” Lisette said.

She closed the door and pulled another chair directly in front of the one Torie was seated in. She grabbed both of Torie’s wrists and pulled her hands roughly from her face.

“What’s going on?”

“We just got word that the show’s been picked up by NBC for a full season,” Torie said.

“What? That’s great. Oh, man, that is fabulous. You are on your way, girl. You should be bouncing off of the walls.”

“No, no, no…you don’t understand. It’s not as simple as that. The show has been picked up but it’s going to be taped on the west coast…probably Los Angeles.”

It took Lisette a moment to absorb Torie’s statement. She paused, still holding both of Torie’s wrists in her hands.

“You’re moving?” she asked.

“If I want to be in this show I am,” Torie said.

Suddenly the weight of Torie’s dilemma and an understanding of her less-than-ecstatic mood made complete sense to Lisette.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m happy for you…it’s your big break, what you’ve been working for all this time. But I know you don’t want to move again.”

“I can’t believe this, Lisette. It’s like every time I try to convince myself that I don’t have some dark cloud hanging over my head, purposely wreaking havoc in my life, there it is again, dumping buckets of hail, sleet and snow on top of me.”

“No, Torie, don’t say that. There’s no conspiracy against you. It’s just sometimes things don’t work out the way we hope they will. Sometimes we just have to roll with the punches. Okay, so let’s look at the positives here,” Lisette said, reaching
over to her desk for a writing pad and a pen. “You’ve got a great opportunity on a major network to showcase your talents. This will open so many doors for you that you’ll have to beat casting directors down with a stick soon.”

She scratched the words
great show, great network
and
opportunities
on the pad.

“The show will tape for, what, six or seven weeks at a time?”

“Twelve,” Torie responded.

“Okay, twelve weeks. Then tack on a few weeks for rehearsals and publicity stuff. That’ll put you in L.A. for about five months at a time. Okay, and I’m sure you could squeeze in a couple of long weekends.”

Torie eyed her doubtfully.

“Or maybe not. But you could get back to New York for at least five or six months out of the year.”

Lisette said this last part with a feigned lightness, knowing full well that they sounded about as gloomy as they looked on paper.

“Or I’ll get more work—because, after all, that is the goal—and then by the time I see New York again—”

“Come on, Torie, don’t think like that,” Lisette said, rubbing her friend’s shoulder.

“What am I going to do, Lisette?” Torie asked.

“What can you do? You know as well as I do that second chances are about as guaranteed as snow in July, much less third chances. Now look, I like Monte…a lot. You know that I’m pulling for you guys. But, Torie, I’m not going to sit back and watch you put another man over your career. Not again. No way, no how.”

Lisette leaned back in her chair, tossing the writing pad back onto the desk. She looked her friend in the eyes defiantly, waiting for her response.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Torie whispered at last, her head hanging low.

“Don’t get all fatalistic on me,
chica
. Come on, stop looking at this as a bad thing. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe the separation will give you some time to sort out your feelings for Monte. Figure out whether you love him enough to make a commitment.”

Torie snapped her head up and made eye contact with Lisette.

“What do you mean? Who said anything about a commitment?”

“Torie, please don’t make me slap you. Do you think I’m stupid? You’re in love with that man, and you know it. You’re just too damned afraid, or proud or both, to admit it, but if you want to live in denial that’s fine. Just don’t try to pull me into your bed of abjuration, because I’m not a believer.”

“I don’t know what I feel, Lisette,” Torie conceded. “I just don’t know how to be dedicated to my career and give my all to someone at the same time. I feel like I’m trying to cut my heart into two pieces and sharing them with both my loves. Monte is such a good man and he doesn’t deserve this. Sometimes I think it might be best if I get out of his life and leave room for him to find love with someone who can be dedicated to him and those boys.”

Torie stood abruptly and, running her hand through her hair, walked toward the picture window at the far end of Lisette’s office. She looked out at the darkening sky, the city skyline before her eyes.

“Why don’t you think you are that person?” Lisette wanted to know.

“Because right now I’m about to choose my career over them. I’m about to go three thousand miles away from them for the better part of the year, and I don’t know that I’m going to look back,” Torie said definitively.

Lisette walked to join her friend at the window. She put her arm around Torie’s waist and they stood watching the sun set over Manhattan. Torie rested her head against Lisette’s shoulder. They remained that way for some time, Lisette giving Torie the time she needed to soak in the enormity of her predicament. Knowing that there was only one choice that she could make and being resolute in that choice were two entirely different things.

“When are you going to see Monte?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really ready to tell him about this.”

“Well, it’s just a matter of time before you have to and I bet he’s going to be very supportive. You’ll see,” Lisette said.

Torie didn’t tell Lisette that that was precisely what she was afraid of. Monte was an optimistic person all around, refusing to even consider the complications that would face them. Torie, on the other hand, was a realist and, realistically speaking, she was beginning to think that a long-term relationship with Monte, or anyone else for that matter, just wasn’t in the near future for her. This was her big shot, perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Most people lied about not being interested in celebrity. They pretended that living the lifestyle of the rich and famous was not something that appealed to them. Torie would not deny to herself or anyone else that being wealthy enough to indulge her whims and notorious enough to have paparazzi sifting through her trash cans was not an exciting prospect to her. She wanted to attend the parties, do the interviews, sign the autographs and live the life of a sought-after actress. Becoming a wife and mother to two boys overnight paled in comparison to all that. Yet, she also knew that leaving Monte and the boys behind would hurt her more than a little bit.

M
onte waited until the boys were tucked into their beds and sound asleep before he broached the subject that had been dominating his mind for the past few weeks. Every time he tried to raise the topic, Torie evaded it, making it obvious to Monte that they had a problem brewing that was a lot bigger than he’d first believed it to be. Torie had come out to the lake house with him and the boys early on a Monday morning and they’d spent the day fishing, canoeing on the lake and cooking the fish they’d caught. They’d played board games and video games well into the evening, before heading back home.

Marva was in stable condition. She’d begun to have fewer clear days again, but on days where she was confused or disoriented either he, Cheryl or the boys would just sit with her and talk to her or read aloud and she would remain calm. Monte felt good about taking the day with the boys and Torie. It was a crisp early autumn day and it would probably be the last of its kind before much cooler weather set in.

Monte was a little surprised when Torie accepted his invitation to join them at the lake without hesitation. It had been a week since she’d wrapped up taping for the television
show, yet she remained busy reading scripts and meeting with producers. After a great day together, where he had the opportunity to watch her interact with the boys, Monte was more certain than ever that Torie was the kind of woman he could build a lasting relationship with. Tonight, however, he aimed to put his cards on the table in the hopes that she would lay all of hers out, as well. No more skirting around issues.

He prepared two cups of decaffeinated coffee and brought them to the living room where Torie was sitting on the sofa. She was wearing one of his sweatshirts, the house having developed a little chill to it, and her feet were tucked beneath her behind. Monte put the coffee mugs down and crossed the room to turn the thermostat up a few degrees. He then joined Torie on the sofa. She stretched her legs out across his lap and he took one of her slim size-seven feet in his hands and began massaging it.

“Did you have a good time today?” he asked.

“I certainly did. I didn’t know you were that nice on an open grill, Mr. Lewis. Kudos to the chef,” she said.

“I’ve got quite a few tricks up my sleeve, I’ll have you know. Or should I say under my apron?” Monte retorted.

“You don’t say?”

Monte exchanged one of Torie’s feet for the other. He continued his massage while formulating his words.

“Torie, the past few months have been amazing. I really didn’t expect this…to find someone—” Monte broke off, feeling a sudden lump in his throat where there had not been one moments before.

He cleared his throat and began again.

“I’ve never really talked to you about Shawna, about my life with her—”

“Monte, you don’t have to. I know how much you loved her and how much you and the boys suffered after she was gone,” Torie interrupted.

“No, but just hear me out. When I married Shawna, I really and truly believed that when we exchanged those vows, they meant forever. I expected us to grow old together, dance at our children’s weddings, bounce grandchildren on our knees—the whole nine yards. I never anticipated that our time together would be so short.”

“Most people never do,” Torie said softly.

“When she got sick, it just…it just all happened so fast. In those last days, I remember praying for just one more day, one more month…one more year, with her. But finally I had to let her go. I realized that the cancer was eating her up inside and she was in agony. She tried so hard to be strong for me and the boys. She tried not to take the pain medications because they’d make her sleep and she wanted to spend as much time awake and alert for us. But the pain was just too much. It was so hard watching her suffer. At the end, I started begging God to take her so she could be at peace.”

“It takes a lot of love to do that, Monte—to be so unselfish.”

Monte nodded slowly, trying to make sense of what was going through his mind back then and now.

“I never thought that I would feel an ounce of what I felt for Shawna for someone else. I never even entertained that thought. Perhaps part of the reason was guilt. I thought by letting someone else in, I would betray her…us, what we had. But I’ve got to tell you something. From the moment I met you, from those hours we spent in that elevator, I began to think and see things differently. The time Shawna and I had together was not perfect by any means. It was full of its ups and downs, twists and turns, just the way love and marriage are supposed to be. But for whatever reason, our forever wasn’t in God’s plan.”

Monte took a deep breath. He turned to face Torie. Looking
directly into her eyes, he felt his own growing moist in response to the deep emotions churning inside of him.

“I finally see that the love I have for Shawna will forever be a part of me. It’s part of what makes me the man I am and the father my boys need. And the day I woke up and realized that I’d fallen in love with you was both the happiest and saddest day I’ve had in a long while, Torie.”

“Monte—”

“I love you, Torie. I love you in my heart and in my soul. Believe me, I truly didn’t see it coming until it hit me, and now I can’t imagine not having these feelings for you, even though they make me feel somewhat conflicted,” Monte said.

He picked up both of Torie’s hands and held them in his. He leaned down and kissed her fingers gingerly and looked into her eyes.

“Monte,” she began again, “this is so hard for me to say to you right now.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“Monte, I’ve tried to tell myself that it is too soon for me to feel the way I do about you. I’ve tried to convince myself that we’re just caught up in the rapture of the moment and that, when things cool down between us, we’ll realize that a strong like is not the same thing as love. But dammit, Monte, if I don’t love you, too. I’m in love with you and that feeling inside makes me want to sing and cry at the same time,” Torie said.

“Is loving me that hard for you?” Monte asked.

He sounded hurt and Torie would have given anything to spare his feelings. Yet, she knew that to be anything less than truthful to him at this moment would be unfair.

“Loving you is like a breath of fresh air, Monte. I’ve never met a man with more honor and valor. I trust you. I have never been able to say that about another man—not even my own father.”

“You
can
trust me, Torie, with your heart and with your life,” Monte declared. “I’d never abandon you like he did.”

“I know, I know. Thankfully, I never let my father’s failures shape my relationships, but, Monte, I’ve got to tell you that I have been disappointed in love before. If I knew half of what I know now five years ago…well, let’s just say that things would be different.”

“Some guys are immature jerks who don’t know the first thing about loving a woman. I know I’m selling my brothers out by saying this, but it’s true. You can trust me, though, Torie. I know how to love you, baby. And I’m not asking you to share my love…I’m just asking you to respect what I still feel for Shawna, the mother of my children.”

“I know that, and if it were just a matter of trusting you and loving you, I would be the happiest woman alive.”

“But it is as simple as that. As long as we are open and honest with each other, there’s nothing we can’t conquer,” Monte said.

“No, Monte. That’s something out of a fairy tale. But, baby, this is real life and in real life, there are obstacles and challenges that can come out of left field and knock you on your butt.”

“I don’t care about that. Don’t you think I know how hard life can be sometimes? That’s all the more reason, when you find someone who fills your heart, to keep them close to your side,” Monte snapped.

He felt like Torie was trying to talk him out of feeling the way he felt for her and he was growing steadily more agitated by this.

“Monte—”

“No, hold on a minute now. I’m not sure what it is you’re getting at, Torie, but I really wish you’d just spit it out. I love you and you love me. Yes, there’ll be problems, conflicts…things to be worked out. But, baby, being with you for these
past few months has made me realize that I’d rather have someone by my side through those conflicts than to go them alone.”

The first tear that sprung from Torie’s eye startled Monte. He stared at her, speechless. That solitary tear was soon followed by another and another. His heart lurched. Seeing her in such emotional agony threatened to rip him in two.

“Monte, I’m not sure I can do this,” Torie sobbed. “This is all too much…too fast.”

“We can slow it down,” Monte said.

“I don’t know if I want to. Monte, there are some things about my past that I haven’t shared with you. Things that I’m not very proud of. I’ve been working really hard to try to…I don’t know, just trying to put myself first and stop tying my own personal happiness to my mate.”

“And you think that I would somehow interfere with that?”

“I don’t know.” Torie sniffed, trying to regain control of her composure. “A while back, I made some bad choices because I thought that the man I loved loved me back. I gave up great opportunities for him. More importantly, I gave up myself. I stopped considering what made me happy, what I needed for me. I won’t ever do that again,” Torie finished defiantly.

“I would never ask you to do that. I don’t think I would even want to be with a woman who doesn’t take care of her needs first.”

“Don’t you see what I’m telling you, Monte? It’s not about what you’d ask me to do. It’s not about your feelings for your wife—I respect that, I really do. It’s about me…and what I would do. It’s not you that I don’t trust…it’s me.”

At that Torie jumped up from the sofa. Sobs racked her body as she moved away from Monte. It was the first time she’d ever been this brutally honest with herself or with anyone else. It was the first time that she acknowledged that
the reason why she’d vowed to concentrate on her career and avoid relationships was because she knew her track record. She did not trust herself to remain true to herself.

Monte rose and moved swiftly to where Torie stood in front of the mantel. From behind he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her until her back rested against his chest.

“I won’t lose myself again, Monte. And with you…I can see that happening. Jesus, look at this,” she said, sweeping her hand in front of the mantel. “Look at these pictures. You and these beautiful boys. They’ve been through so much already. Monte, I don’t want to disappoint you and them,” Torie said.

Finally, Monte understood why she’d been so hesitant about meeting the boys and spending time with them. She was afraid to get close to them and to let them get close to her, in case things did not work out or, alternatively, in case they worked out too well. She was afraid of becoming trapped.

“You won’t, baby. You couldn’t. We love you for who you are and I’m not asking you to be anybody else. Please, Torie, let’s just try. There’s no harm in trying,” Monte whispered in her ear.

“People get hurt when you try and fail, Monte.”

“Ssh, don’t say that. Don’t even think it. I love you, Torie. I’m going to tell you that every day, three times a day, until you believe that my love will hold you up and help you be strong. Until you believe that this love will only help you soar and will never hold you down. I promise, Torie.”

Monte held Torie, kissing her tears until they went away. If she had underestimated how formidable a man he was, she was about to find out. Monte had no intention of letting her out of his life.