Lilah (4 page)

I continued on, the blood pounding at my
temples and I felt my head would burst. I was no longer on this earth. I was
some place where time did not matter between this world and the next. I had
never ventured this far but I felt no fear while the task and the effort was
consuming me. The girl’s heart beat once and it was the beginning, followed by
several more rapid
heart beats
before the fog started
to clear.

All of a sudden I saw what I thought was the
dark mist of death, and which I was to dissolve. But instead of attaching to me
willingly it rushed at me like a giant sticky mudslide, the force pushing me
along and out into light again. I was released from the girl and thrown back
onto the floor several metres away.

Arianne picked me up. I felt weaker than ever
and my temples throbbed. I turned to retch on the stone floor.

As Arianne rubbed my back the sounds of gurgles
reached our ears. We rushed to the side of the coffin to see the child looking
wide eyed around her as if seeing the world for the first time. She made a
strange clicking sound with her tongue, but we were not rewarded with a smile
that she normally would have given, rather a vacant stare. Arianne did not seem
to notice. She picked up the girl twirling her gently and smothering her with
kisses.

I could not feel the same excitement. Not only
was I feeling poorly, for the first time I felt used.

‘You have done well my young friend.’

Arianne would falsely claim that she came down
in the morning to pray and found the child sitting up in the coffin. When I
entered the chapel I was to appear amazed before kneeling, making a sign of the
cross, and repeating out loud my prayer of thanks for this miracle, to show
that I was in no way linked. We were aware that Sister Gertrude had been
viewing us both more keenly since the commencement of the minor wonders.

But our performance was sadly not to be. A much
more threatening stage was being set while I remained in an unmoving slumber
for two days. From the shadows, while she ate her stolen food in secret, Sister
Nora had been watching me perform this act.

The sisters could not wake me and while I
slept, charges for my unforgiveable crime of magic were laid. Sister Nora said
that she had noticed me unwell and sleepy every time a child was cured and that
this current stage of slumber should provide them with proof of my deeds, to
back up her witnessed account.

After long hours of prayer for guidance, a
group of sisters, supported by Nora, surmised that it was the work of the devil
through me. Though, some did not find me abhorrent, feeling more pity and still
much tenderness towards me. They believed that I was possessed and unaware of
it. I was not allowed contact with the children while they decided my outcome.

Arianne brought two more abandoned children to
the monastery also during this time only to be told to take them away again.
Sister Gertrude had decided that our beds were full enough and no new children
would be admitted that summer. It was the beginning of changes within the
monastery and it would no longer be just about the poor.

Arianne argued for my case. She believed I
should stay; that I was performing holy miracles. The day of their small trial
I was asked to stay away from the chapel where it was performed. It was agreed
that the Papal Notary would not be informed, that they would handle the ‘little
incident’ themselves with everyone sworn to secrecy. No child ever witnessed my
action so the secret was safe.

While they discussed
me and
my apparent
evil I ran into the forest and sat weeping. If only I hadn’t
listened to Arianne, and had shown enough fortitude to follow my own heart. I
spoke these words aloud through angry tears and vowed, if the sisters let me
stay, never to perform another healing.

I felt a cool breeze ruffle the ends of my hair
and realised that someone was watching. A man wearing a long cloak stood a
short distance from
me, his face and age
undeterminable in shadow.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked.

‘Yes.’ I answered quickly wishing him away,
embarrassed at my discovery and afraid that he had heard my confession. I
walked a short way then turned to find him gone.

Quickly returning to the monastery I was told
to report straight to Sister Gertrude. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and I wondered
at the seriousness of the trial that had been the cause of her distress. She
asked me to sit. She could not look at me at first, her hands gripped together
so tightly that her knuckles had turned white. Then her eyes levelled on mine.

‘I cannot condone what you have done. This kind
of practice is against the teachings of this church. Though this grieves me
greatly, Lilah, for so many of the sisters have grown attached to you. You have
indeed been a tower of strength for the foundlings here. I have watched you
amuse and care for them selflessly.’

Sister Gertrude sighed. ‘It pains me to think
that your gift is such a waste. You are a contradiction of everything I have
thought possible. You are so kind and willing yet you carry a curse. I very
rarely question our Lord’s motives but this incident confuses me. I have tried
to pray for answers but have received nothing. You deserve to be here, yet...’

She took a deep breath and her softer tone
changed to one of authority. ‘I have met with my close counsel of sisters and
it is agreed that you can no longer stay. I had hopes that you would complete
your holy vows and become one of us…’

‘But sister, I carry only good intent.’

Sister Gertrude could not look in my eyes. ‘It
is decided. You must leave tomorrow morning. I will let you stay one more night
to work on a plan of where you are to live.’

I hung my head; though it wasn’t in shame,
rather to pray to God for guidance, and to convince him that my actions had not
been used for evil. Was it so bad to cure suffering? Even without Arianne could
I have watched a child die without interfering? I may not have dabbled in
resurrecting, but I believe it would have been negligent if I did not use my
skills for apparent good. I could not tell her this. Gertrude’s ears were now
closed to any vindication that curing was somehow righteous.

As I left she told me one more thing. Several
years earlier, my father had visited the monastery and confessed the deed of
abandoning his infant child. He had asked after my health and then begged that
the holy order try and save my soul. She had considered it strange at the time
and now understood those words after years of wondering. But even she did not
think she could save my soul and had she known my secret she may not have
accepted me into the cloister.

Accepted.
It was a word that no longer
defined me.

I found the courage to ask if she knew where my
parents lived. She said she did not know. She blinked quickly and I was curious
that she might be holding back information that may have changed my fortune
that day; that perhaps she was protecting them also as she was protecting the
monastery.

‘What was he wearing?’

Sister Gertrude viewed me quizzically. ‘Why do
you ask that?’

‘Is he…
’
It seemed a
difficult and shallow thing to wonder at the time but she finally understood.

‘He was neither poor nor wealthy. His clothes
were well stitched and I did not smell any beer on his breath. I believe his
decision came from his heart and that alone.’

I did not know whether to feel relieved or not.
If he had been a beggar I would have perhaps felt more understanding but the
specific request to save my soul meant that he knew what I was and that hurt
more. What if he had the skill and could show me how to use it, if not for the
purposes of curing the sick?

Although I was being abandoned once more, there
was at least some comfort in knowing that I was no longer anonymous. I wondered
what Jesus thought about my father’s and Sister Gertrude’s decisions, angrily
hoping that they would somehow be punished, and then retracting my desire and
silently praying for forgiveness for my thoughts.

I left her office feeling distraught. The
monastery was the only home I had known. My dreams of becoming a sister, to
carry on their work: to improve and perhaps even gain more monetary support
from nobles; all those dreams were shattered. I returned to my room and wept.

I did not hear her enter but felt Arianne’s
hand on my back. When I turned, her face said everything – she was just
as wretched.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘This is all because
of me. I was too greedy for life and as punishment you will be thrown on the
streets. This cannot happen. I will speak to Gertrude again.’

Her tears seemed to dry my own. I touched her
arm. ‘No. I will go without argument. She is perhaps right. My healing may not
be an act of goodness. I am perhaps not meant for holy orders.’

‘Don’t you believe that,’ said Arianne angrily.
‘There is not an ounce of evil in you. Ignore what the church and those
ignorant inquisitors say about such. You are more a child of God than any of
us.’

‘Arianne, I am not sure that you are right.’ I told
her what Gertrude had said of my father.

‘Whatever his reasons, he was not spiritually
equipped to take care of you.’

She also told me that Gertrude had again told
the other sisters that this must be kept secret. Should the Papacy ever get
wind of it there would be an inquisition and at such times their lives could be
in danger. Such healing practices were considered works of Lucifer and what
members of the order had witnessed was to be forgotten; otherwise, the
monastery itself might be thought to harbour devil worshipers. I sincerely
hoped that this would not be the case for although there
were
some like Sister Nora who did not seem to carry the will of God, most were
kindly and did not deserve penalty.

Arianne offered to leave the monastery in place
of me. She had told Gertrude and other members of the small trial committee
that she was mostly to blame by encouraging the healings. Her requests proved
fruitless and I was glad of it. Arianne was meant to be here. Although I had
cured many of the sick, there were many more homeless and starving who she had
helped. Sister Gertrude also knew Arianne’s worth, but she would not go
unpunished either. She would be expected to show penance in the chapel and take
on extra duties. There would be no more missing prayer time. Not that Arianne
did that for selfish reasons. It was always her work that took precedence. She
would say: ‘Why should I spend so much time in prayer when I could be doing
something useful?’

Arianne handed me a leather satchel inscribed
with her family name. Not having my own connections, she said that I could use
hers should anyone enquire as to my destination. She also said that such a
surname in the parts where I was heading would offer me some protection. ‘Many
are afraid of my father. Some will not dare to touch you if you are a cousin of
such a well-connected family. Those who would rob you will instead beg for
scraps and employment.’

Inside the bag was enough food for days: bread,
cheese, dried pork strips and figs. Arianne gave me directions to her parents
with a final request: ‘
My
parents will take you in and
give you work but I would like you to watch over my younger sisters. I want to
make sure they are well.’

It was a strange thing to say since I knew that
Arianne’s parents were
well-to-do
and her sisters,
from what I gathered, would not be wanting for anything.

‘Also, should
you have to leave in a hurry there is a key hidden in one of the large vases on
the terrace that overlooks the rose gardens. Take it! It will unlock my
mother’s jewellery box. Inside are pieces of gold, silver, garnets and
sapphires that you can sell if you have to.’

‘I cannot steal from your parents.’

‘They will not even notice them gone. Trust
me.’

‘But …’

‘It could mean
the difference of life and death for you. You will have something to barter.’

I wanted to protest but it was hard. When
Arianne set her mind to something she was both irresistible and daunting at the
same time. I nodded but I could not foresee any reason ahead needing such a
criminal act.

The sisters were told not to visit me before I
left
;
that I must be left in solitary to pray for my
past sins and the choices ahead. Though I struggled with the concept of healing
as a sin, I felt much remorse for raising a dead child.

Most of the sisters distanced themselves from
me, afraid to be tainted by black magic. Only a handful of nuns crept in
secretly to wish me well. Some had tears, others told me to be brave. Their
tears gave me some strength.

Late in the night I heard what could be
described as whispers through the thick
stone walls
.
These silent and very personal prayers of others within the monastery grew
louder over several hours causing me to toss and turn, and my attempt to block
out the sounds and vibrations with my hands was unsuccessful. Eventually, they
ceased and I assumed the occurrence was a result of the illness and the trauma
I had suffered. I was wrong. I would soon learn that the sound inside my head
was yet another curse of my skill.