Lily White Lies (32 page)

At almost the same moment, Gram opened the front door.  I immediately noticed she looked tired, her expression was pensive.

“Gram...”

I stopped mid-sentence when she took hold of my arm and led me to the kitchen without saying a word.  Letting go of my arm at one of the chairs, I methodically sat and awaited her next move.

After several minutes and the remainder of the drink in her glass, she sighed and turned her attention to me.

“You hurt him, child.”

I lowered my head.  “I know I did but I never meant to.  I swear I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”

She relaxed her position and replied, “He knows that but it still hurts.  You’ve got to understand, you don’t plant a tree in someone else’s yard because you want to sit in the shade.”

“Uh...”  I shook my head as I raised my hands in the air.

“Meg, you can’t go digging up someone else’s past to pave a smooth road to your future.”

I slumped forward and laid my arms on the table.

“Is that what you and Gramp think?  I don’t care about your feelings?”

“No, child.  We know you care about our feelings.”

“Then what?”

She stared at me until I began to feel uncomfortable and then asked, “You’re determined, aren’t you?”

I nodded in exasperation.  “I am.”

“Then you’ll have to go to Joker one more time.”

“Joker?  Why would I have to go to him when you and Gramp can tell me the same things?”

She poured herself another drink, and casually replied, “Talk to him.  Get him to tell you everything and then you’ll understand.”  She took a swallow.  “We can’t help you, child.”

That was the end of our conversation.  I sat bewildered as she busied herself with mundane chores as if I weren’t there.  She hadn’t been rude or cold but she matter-of-factly and without hesitance told me that the way things are was the way they would stay unless I could get through to Joker.  What were they hiding from me and why would they prefer that Joker be the one to reveal their secret?

On the way back to Upper Darby, I thought about going to see Joker, but I regarded that visit as one I had to prepare for emotionally.  I didn’t expect Con for hours, so I did what I normally did when I was in need of emotional support.  I called the girls.

Twenty-Six

...His eyes were scorching, burning their way straight into my heart.  Every emotion, every ache and need, every tingle and sensation I felt, were laid out for him to see...

I met the girls at Schooner’s Bar and Grill instead of at our regular meeting place.  As much as I liked Con’s mother, I didn’t want to discuss my grandparent’s under a watchful eye.

We spent the better part of an hour discussing the recent developments in Cory’s life.  After approaching her father again about teaching her his business, they had finally come to an agreement.  He wanted her to return to school and add to her business degree before she could play an active role in the workings of the airport.  He gave her a list of courses she was to take and she readily agreed.  To anyone else it might have seemed like a lot to go through, but Cory saw it as the only opportunity she would ever receive to get what was most important to her in the world.  If that’s what would bring her happiness, I was happy for her.

I strummed my fingers against the rim of my glass, each nail making a ticking sound as it hit, while looking from Cory to Charlotte and back again.  There was no right answer, but neither of them wanted to be the one to give a wrong answer.  Cory was the first to speak.

“I say go for it.”

Charlotte pursed her lips.  “No, I think it’s a mistake, Meg.  I’d let it go.”

I tipped my head back and closed my eyes.

The girls sat and argued about whether or not I should face Joker with my questions.  Suddenly, I sat straight and waved their argument off with a peremptory gesture.

“I’m going to do it.”

Charlotte shook her head in disgust while the corners of Cory’s mouth turned up in satisfaction.

“What if it makes the situation worse... or... or worse yet, what if causes problems between you and Con?  Is knowing the past
really
that important to you?”  Charlotte asked.

I didn’t have to think about her question.  “Yes.  My relationship with my grandfather means a lot to me and right now, he won’t even see me much less speak to me.  It almost seems self-destructive to embark on a new life with Con when everything that makes us who we are is a lie.”  I hesitated.  “Earlier today, Sally said if your heart is full of hatred you have no room in it for love.  Well then, using the same theory, if our pasts are full of hatred...”

I stopped.  I wasn’t even sure I was making sense to myself anymore.  I was over obsessing.  I knew what I had to do and I had made the decision to do it.  Deep down, I felt pride.  I had made a decision regarding something important and that wasn’t something that happened often.

Placing my empty glass on a coaster, I said, “I’m going to do it!  Tomorrow, I’m going to see Joker,” and slid off my stool.

“Give’em hell, Meg,” Cory cheered, as she swirled the ice cubes in her empty glass around.

Charlotte shook her head.  “I still think you’re making a mistake but for your sake I hope I’m wrong.  Call me if you need to talk afterward.”

I thanked her, gave them each a hug and headed home to wait for Con.

~ ~ ~

“We need to talk...”

His teeth grazed my earlobe, sending jolts throughout my body.

I managed to say, “Really, it’s important,” before my head fell back, as he kissed his way across my neck to the other ear.

With his hands on my backside, he pulled me against him, pressing me into his desire and I felt my knees buckle beneath me.

He moaned, “Hmm?”

With one hand clutching his shirt and the other buried in his hair, I clung to him as he took me past the point of return.  I was his.  Nothing seemed important as long as his arms encircled me.

“I... oh God.”  He ran his hands up my back lightly and along my sides until they cradled my head between them.

After several minutes of urge-provoking kisses, they softened to mere brushes against my lips until finally, his lips released mine completely and he gazed into my desire filled eyes.

“I missed you,” he whispered.

“Mm, me too.”

“Where would you like to eat dinner?” he asked.

I stuttered, “That’s it... dinner?”

The corners of his mouth turned up to form his most flirtatious smile.  He replied, “For now.”

He had just doused my internal fire with ice water, leaving me short of breath between irregular heartbeats.

When I finally regained composure, I playfully scorned, “You’re a tease.”

As he tugged at the front of his shirt several times, he casually replied, “Teasing is the prelude to pleasing,” which left me reeling.

I knew it was important to him to be sure I was completely ready before we took our relationship to the next level and even though I knew I was ready for that step, he had already made up his mind to wait until
he
was convinced that I was ready.  So for now I would play it his way and do my best to brush off the urges he had stirred in me. 

I straightened my clothes and brushed my hair back, all the while organizing my thoughts.

“Can we talk?”

The light in his eyes dimmed and his expression became more serious. “What’s up?”

“I went to visit my grandparent’s today... well, tried to visit, my grandfather hid... my grandmother flat out told me that they couldn’t help me... anyway, that’s all beside the point.  Gram said that if I wanted answers, I’d have to get them from your grandfather.  Cory says go for it...  Charlotte says the past isn’t that important...”

“What do you say?”

“It’s important to me.”

Playing with my hair, he said, “Then you should do it.”

I searched his eyes for answers.  “You won’t mind?”

“Mind?  I know you need answers and I support that.  I’ll go with you.”

Placing a hand on his chest, I applied pressure and backed away from him.

“Con, I appreciate that but, I think I have to do this alone.”

He offered a short nod.  “I can’t say I’m thrilled with the idea of you being alone with my grandfather, but I understand why you have to do it.”  Smiling, he added, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come along, just to keep the engine running?”

His light-hearted humor easily put me in a stress-free state of mind.  “I’ll be fine.”

We shared a romantic dinner in a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to before.  His jocular personality and calm approach toward life easily stripped away any residual stress or frustration I may have brought to dinner. 

Many times throughout our meal, my mind slipped back to my apartment and the feelings he aroused in me.  Several times, I had to ask him to repeat something he had just said because my mind was lost in fantasies of him.

“You have no idea what that look does to me.”

I coyly asked, “And...  exactly what look would that be?”

Reaching across the table, he picked up each of my hands in his and gazed lovingly into my eyes.

“The look that says you want to share yourself with me the same way I want to share myself with you.”

His eyes were scorching, burning their way straight into my heart.  Every emotion, every ache and need, every tingle and sensation I felt, were laid out for him to see.

“You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.  I only have to
think
about the way you kissed me back at the apartment and I feel an unexpected shiver.  Yes, I do want us to enjoy each other, but I can wait until it all falls into place.”  Lowering my voice, I said, “Besides, I’m kind of enjoying the prelude.”

He gave my hands a squeeze as our server returned to offer dessert.  We each declined and when his attention returned to me, my look was more serious.  I fidgeted with my napkin in thought.

“Do things seem to be going too fast.  I mean, I was with Brian for three years and nothing felt right, I’ve been with you for a week and everything feels right.  Should we slow down?”

He picked my hands up again.  “What is the proper length of time to wait before...  say...  a goodnight kiss...  or how long should people wait for family introductions...  and sex, I’d
really
like to know what the time frame is for that one....”  He kissed each hand.  “Meg, I don’t think about those things, I feel them.  I know it hasn’t been long, but what I feel for you is real.  If you prefer to wait, take things slow, I’ll give you that time.  I never want you to feel rushed or pushed into something you don’t want to do.”

He removed money from his wallet and picked up the check.  “Instead,” he said playfully, “I can come to your grandparent’s house every Tuesday night, eat dinner and spend the rest of the evening watching TV, say goodnight at the door and call you once or twice through the week for a whole year.  After that year, we can spend another year attending church together and going to a movie on Friday nights and somewhere during that time, I’ll work up the nerve to put my arm around you.  About the same time we work up to three dates a week, I’ll give you your first goodnight kiss at your grandparent’s door, until your grandfather flips the light on and pretends he didn’t know we were out there...”

Wrapping my arm through his, I cut in, “And before our next date, I’d say, ‘how about we pick up the pace a little and get to the good stuff’?”

He laughed out-loud.  “Touché.”

~ ~ ~

I peeked through one partially open eye as I strained to open the other one.  It wasn’t very bright in the room and without seeing the clock, I wondered if it was a dismal day or if I had awoken much earlier than usual.

Unable to stay due to an early morning flight, Con left shortly after dropping me off the night before.  Although disappointed, I used the free time to run through everything I would say to his grandfather when I confronted him later today. 

Joker was volatile.  No matter how many times I rehearsed my speech, his sharp tongue and liverish personality had the ability to change the direction of our conversation at any given time, leaving me to improvise and unfortunately, spontaneity was not my forte.

I spent almost two hours trying on clothes and hairstyles in an attempt to find the right look for the occasion.  I didn’t want to come off as insecure or intolerable but I wanted to leave no doubt in his mind that I was a force to be reckoned with and wouldn’t be put off by his obnoxious outbursts.

At least that was my intention.

Checking in with Marco was the only stop I made on my way out of the city.  I knew if I were going to do this at all, I would have to do it while my adrenaline still pumped from our last meeting or I’d run the risk of losing my nerve altogether.