Lingering Touch - A Story of Young Love (10 page)

I didn't know how to answer. I sat up and hugged my knees. Why was he so mad at me? That was the most amazing kiss I'd ever had. The most amazing kiss I'd ever given. I hardly ever put that much effort in kissing someone. But when I did he yelled at me and acted like he hated me.
What if it wasn't an act?
A feeble voice in my mind asked me. What if. I knew I was crossing a line in kissing him, but I honestly did think it would help him get enough courage to kiss Casey. If he can kiss me, he can kiss her, right? Ok, it wasn't the smartest idea, but that didn't mean he had to hate me for it.

He stood there fuming for a moment. He wouldn't even look at me. Finally he snatched his stuff off of the floor and stomped out the front door, slamming it behind him. The sound echoed off the walls of my empty house. Apparently he'd rather walk all the way home than let me give him a ride home, or stay long enough for me to let him borrow my phone to call someone to get him. But… at least my car wasn't getting all soapy.

Oh, who was I kidding? I would gladly let my car get all soapy if it meant he wasn't so mad at me. I would sell my car, or even give it away for
free
if it meant he wasn't so mad at me. But the truth was, he was mad at me. And he just walked out on me.

I've been lonely before. I felt lonely before when my mother left me. I felt lonely before when my father started drinking and stopped talking to me, when he stopped being my father. I felt lonely before when all of my friends had boyfriends and girlfriend and I didn't, so I had had to sit alone. But never have I felt
so completely alone.

Chapter 8 - Never Good Enough

I lay in bed that night trying to think about anything
but
what happened between Trevor and me. So naturally that was all I could think about. I tried studying for a while, but that turned out to be pointless, because all the threes looked like a part of a heart and the X's made my think of kisses and the 0's made me think of hugs. Pathetic, I know.

The stars on my ceiling glowed dimly compared to the light cast by the moon through my window. The light coming in through the window seemed to be brighter than usual, and then I remembered that there would be a full moon tonight! I hopped deftly out of my bed and tip-toed over to the window, throwing the curtains open. White light washed over me. The stars outside twinkled softly, dim as the ones in my room compared to the moon looming above all of them, stealing the attention and showing off elegantly. The whole world outside was still and quiet, bathed in the ghostly moonlight. Finally I couldn't stand just standing and looking anymore, so I slipped into my shoes and grabbed my iPod.

The screen slid out easily from being used so often. I weighed it for a moment before setting it gently on my bed and checking to make sure my door was locked. My dad never came into my room, but I had learned to expect the unexpected from him. I looked outside down the window, smiling to myself as a cool breeze swept over me. My room was on the second floor, but a part of roof hung just below my window. It was easy to climb onto that and then drop silently onto the grass below.

For a moment I just stood under the moonlight, basking in its glow. But then my legs started pumping, almost on their own. They took me around to the back of the house into a cluster of wooded area back there. I hardly ever took this trail, because it was so close to my house and not very long, but I liked to make special trips when the moon was full. Fall leaves crunched beneath my feet as I weaved through trees and shrubbery. The trees glowed shades of white and grey in the night, nothing like the warm reds and oranges they looked like during the day. It was like a whole other world where everything is white and blue and grey and it all seems to glow and it's so peaceful and quiet and carefree. That was part of the reason why I loved coming here by the light of the moon, and because at the end there was a tiny pond.

There was nothing really extraordinary about the pond. Yes, it was always swarming with dazzling dragonflies, and yes I occasionally found a bird nest with chirping baby birds in it, and yes even the softest touch would cause millions of tiny ripples to spread around the water so that it looked hypnotizing. But these weren't the reason this pond was so special to me.

I liked coming here because it reminded me of a time that I could hang out with my mom. No, not my real mother, I rarely even saw her, let alone hang out with her. I meant my nanny, who was
like
a mother to me. I couldn't even remember her name, I only remember countless days spent playing in the pond and having water fights and coloring while watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. She was the one who taught me how to play volleyball. She disappeared from my life when my mother left, and I hadn't heard from her since.

Tonight the pond was glowing and reflecting the pale moon. I sat and dragged my finger across the surface of the glassy water slowly, watching the water ripple out and crash on the sides and into each other. Memories of the days I spent here with my nanny invaded my mind, making me smile fondly. I remembered her face perfectly. She had huge, soulful brown eyes the color of melted chocolate, they were the kind of eyes some girls would kill for. They sparkled when she was doing something mischievous or saying something silly. They were so open and kind, loving, but also filled with so much pain. I never knew why she seemed so sad when she didn't know I was watching, I just knew she must have been through something terrible to make her cry herself to sleep every night. But if she could help it, she never would have let me know how sad she truly was, she probably didn't even know I knew. Every time she saw me, her eyes lit up and she smiled brightly, like she didn't have a care in the world.

She also had perfect hair. It was light brown and stick straight. It was so long, it hung almost to her hips. She used to let me play with it and wind it around her head, making her look like a princess, I had said. I used to tell her about my day at school, how Jimmy Olsen pulled my hair that day, or how Katelyn Young broke my crayons. An owl hooed, stirring me out of my reverie, and I stood and took one last look at the smooth water longingly. Regret filled my heart and my eyes brimmed with tears. I never did find out why she was so sad. I wished I could remember her name.

The water was smoothing out now, and I bent to touch it one more time. But when I got close enough to look into the water, I saw my own reflection. My eyes were red-rimmed and reminiscent. My face was flushed from running and my hair was ragged. Pretty much I looked like crap… But that was nothing new. I turned and started running without a backward glance.

Once I was far enough that I couldn't hear the sound of water, I walked into the trees a little and bent over, gagging. I was looking a little tubby lately, this was sure to help. After purging I clutched my stomach and bowed my head. Dang. I had promised myself I wouldn't do that again. Yet here I was, running too much and purging, even though I shouldn't. I just couldn't help it anymore.

When I got home I strained my ears for any sign that my father was still awake, and when I didn't hear anything, I slipped in and skipped up to my room. When I had locked the door behind me I turned and looked at the floor. My math book was sitting not so innocently on the floor, a painful reminder that I had school tomorrow. That meant I would have to see Trevor in math. Trevor was still mad at me. I really didn't want to see him tomorrow, to face him after what I had done, (even though I didn't actually do anything wrong,) but part of me was also really excited to see him again.

o.O.o.O.o.

"Hey," Trevor smiled brightly at me as he slid into his chair smoothly. The bell had already rung and Miss Carmandy had already started the lesson. She glared at him and continued speaking. He didn't even flinch. He was acting totally normal, maybe even a little too normal, but that must have meant that he wasn't mad at me anymore! Either that or he blocked the whole thing from his mind completely. The latter seemed like a more likely option since he was pretty pissed when it happened, but I didn't mind, because he wasn't ignoring me or glaring at me or any of the hateful things I had prayed he wouldn't do.

"Aren't you mad about yesterday?" I knew I might have been stirring the pot, but I had to know.

"What? Yesterday? Oh, right, the kiss. Well, I would be, but you were right. Not about it being exciting, though. That was just weird. Um," he scratched his head and glanced at Miss Carmandy. "I mean, you were right about Casey. About kissing Casey. I don't know why I was so scared, but after that whole thing with you I guess I just wasn't anymore, so I kissed her!" He beamed at me. But he was leaning back, away from me. Usually he leaned toward me when he talked to me.

"Wow, that's great, Trev!" I said with false enthusiasm. But I couldn't imagine him just kissing Casey. I wondered if they kissed like how we kissed. My mind created unwanted images of them rolling around on a soapy floor. Somehow, I highly doubted that was what happened.
Calm down, it was just a kiss that didn't mean anything!

He smiled back and turned around, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the period. And he stood up immediately when the bell rang. Usually we walked out of class and to lunch together side by side, but today he hopped over his desk and strolled out the door without a backwards glance at me. My bottom lip jutted out a tiny bit as I watched him leave. He didn't even turn the right way to go to the cafeteria, which meant he must have been going to Casey's class to walk with
her
instead
.

Camry Castillo walked up to me just before I left.

"Wow, Ariana, you look so pretty today! And OMG, you're like, so skinny and gorgeous!" Inwardly I cringed, but on the outside I smiled and thanked her. I knew I wasn't skinny or pretty. All the exercise and make up and dieting would never help that.

I met Amber and Alyssa at the table at lunch, Drew still wasn't with Amber and Lyssa was discovering Josh's tonsils across the table, aka, they were making out blatantly. I plopped down next to Amber, not in the mood to lie on the table as usual today. I was about to ask where Drew was but then I noticed Trevor and Casey weren't there. I reminded myself to ask about Drew later.

"Where are Trevor and Casey?" I asked her.

"I'm not sure, they haven't been here yet." She spoke quietly and didn't meet my eyes. Hers were red and puffy, almost like she had been crying recently. It probably had something to do with Drew. My heart twisted, I was the one who set her up with Drew nearly three years ago.

"Amber, what's-"

"Oh, speak of the devil," she said and pointed behind me. Trevor and Casey were walking our way, holding hands and smiling at each other. Casey's lip stick was smudged and Trev's shirt was a little crooked. Both their faces were flushed and they looked almost
too
happy. It was obvious what they had just been doing.

"Hey guys," Casey smiled warmly at us and sat down at the end of the table. She winked at me and pointed at Trevor with her free hand when he wasn't looking, as if I couldn't already tell. I flashed her a subtle thumbs up. Trevor slid in between her and me, but left a good foot of space between us when usually he just sits right next to me. My heart sunk to my feet. He was totally still mad at me.

Alyssa and Josh broke apart when they heard Casey, somehow she had gotten on his lap and she turned to face them while still sitting on him.

"Looks like you two were having fun." she laughed and leaned into Josh.

"Not as much fun as you." Trevor replied good naturedly and winked. Lyssa laughed and we all began talking normally, or rather Lyssa, Josh, Trevor, and Casey were talking. Amber and I just sort of sat in silence next to each other, each absorbed in her own thoughts. I wanted to get away from there, because everyone seemed so happy except me and Amber.

I stood abruptly and started walking away from the table. Nobody even noticed me.

The school gym was relatively quiet and empty, only a couple people were working out. One of them was the school quarterback, Austin Butler, who was so ripped he made Vin Diesel look like a Barbie. Ok, not really, but you know what I mean. He was huge. He waved at me and grinned, and then continued pumping weights. The other person there was this scrawny little nerd kid hiding in the back corner, struggling with something even I could have lifted, which is saying something because I'm probably the weakest human alive.

I headed straight for the treadmill and started running, forcing my legs to go faster and faster. It wasn't quite as nice as running outside, but if I closed my eyes I could imagine I was outside. So I closed my eyes and just kept running, holding the sides of the treadmill to keep me up when I started getting tired. A random chick got on next to me after about 20 minutes and started running. She was out of breath after about 30 minutes, and so was I but I wasn't letting it show nearly as much. The girl got off and headed towards the showers. Class started in about 15 minutes, but no way was I going to go to calculus with Trevor today. So I just kept running. I ran until after the bell rang, and then I kept going, the only sounds being the hum of the treadmill itself and my shoes slapping on the plastic conveyer belt. I would have been leaving calculus and going to Foods class next, but I kept running all through that class, too. I had to have run almost two hours at least.

Afterwards I showered and went straight to my car. There were still a few classes left but I just wasn't in the mood. So I went home instead. I think I was catching senioritis.

Inside, all was quiet aside from my still slightly labored breathing. The fridge hummed softly, tempting me with the creamy cheesecake I know the cleaning lady had left in there for us, and I almost opened it,
just this once,
I rationalized. But at the last moment I stopped myself and turned away, telling myself I would regret it
.
So instead I walked up to my room. What was I going to do now? My legs ached from running, but I was still jittery and anxious to work out more. I stepped on the little scale in the corner of my room, and my lips turned down at the results. I crawled under my bed and dug out a few old fitness magazines. The top one featured a crazy intense army work-out,
perfect.