Lion's Bride (18 page)

“I don’t want you to see me.” He reached out and touched her bare shoulder. “Silk,” he murmured. “Can you weave cloth this fine?”

Her skin seemed to burn beneath his fingers, yet she didn’t want to move. “Finer.”

“No,” he said thickly. “Not finer.”

“Have you had too much wine?”

“No, but I might have had enough.” He rubbed gently, sensuously at the hollow of her shoulder. “Why else am I here?”

“I don’t know. Go to your bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Not better, but not as mad, perhaps. They say dawn brings a sweet clarity of spirit.”

“What do you do here?”

“Madness. I thought I’d told you.”

She moistened her lips. “You wish to couple with me?”

“Oh, yes, I’ve wanted that since the night I brought you to Dundragon. But lust is not madness. I wish something much more dangerous.” He paused. “I want to get you with child.”

She went rigid with shock.

“That’s why I had to be drunk before I came to you.” He continued to stroke her shoulder. “I find I have scruples about asking a woman to bear a child who will never know his father. Particularly since the act of conception alone will mark you for death. Wouldn’t any man bare his secrets to the mother of his child?”

“I thought you said I was already marked for death.”

“Probably. But Vaden might—No, he couldn’t, if he knew you were bearing my child.” His voice hoarsened. “You see how low I’ve fallen? I’d risk your life for my own ends.”

“Why?”

“Because I
want
this.” The air crackled with the intensity of his passion. “I don’t want to die and not have something of me live on.”

Mother of God, she could not believe she was feeling this wrenching pang of sympathy. “Then have a child by Tasza or one of the others. I’m no mare to be bred at will.”

“I want
your
child. I want my son to have your pride and your strength. I’d trust you to care for him and teach him.” He was silent a moment and then said jerkily, “It’s not such a bad thing I offer you. The danger may be the same whether or not you take me to your bed, and I’ll do all I can to protect you. I’d take you to the safest haven I could find as soon as we knew you were with child. Kadar would stay with you and watch over you. You would never want for anything. I’m a very rich man. It would be too dangerous to wed you, but on my death I would see that you had—”

“Be silent.” Her voice was shaking as she pushed aside his hand and sat up in bed. “I’m tired of this talk of death from you. I will not have it.”

“Very well. I’ve said what I came for and it appears the answer is no. I expected it would be.” He stood up, swaying a little on his feet. “I bid you good night.”

His abrupt departure was as startling as everything else that had happened this night. “You’re leaving?”

“As you’ve guessed, I’m more than a little drunk, and I have a tendency toward self-indulgence when I’ve had too much. I can’t stay without taking you, and I can’t touch you unless you agree to the child. I couldn’t stop myself from spending within you as I do with other women. I’ve known that from the beginning.” He started heavily across the room. “But I should warn you that I’ll probably not give up. Vaden used to say that once I got something in my head, I couldn’t leave it alone.”

“It will do you no good. You’ll have to find another woman to give you the immortality you crave.”

“I told you, I don’t want another woman.” He opened the door. His voice had a thread of wonder as he added, “I haven’t wanted another woman for a long time. Isn’t it strange that no other woman will do?”

The door closed behind him.

She was trembling, Thea realized. It was anger. She was furious with that drunken oaf. Or afraid. It was natural for a woman to be frightened when she was confronted by a man who told her he wanted to use her body. Or bewildered. She had been thrown into a turmoil of shock and confusion at Ware’s words.

A child…

The thought brought a warm rush of tenderness. She had always loved children.

By all the saints, what was wrong with her? She had no need of a babe. She already had Selene, whom she had practically raised from babyhood. She had her living to make in this world, and it would only be harder if she was with child. It was out of the question, and she was right to be angry with that big idiot of a warrior who thought he could stride into her life and use her body as he saw fit.

Tears were running down her cheeks. Dear God, it was not from anger, she finally realized. Even as she had issued that rejection, she had wanted to pull him close and comfort him, to tell him that he would live forever and had no need of a child. Why did she let him move her like this?

She wiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand and lay back down. This softness must be banished. Pity was no reason to have a man’s child.

What Ware had asked was outrageous and totally out of the question. She would think no more about it, and if he posed the question again to her, she would tell him what she thought of such ruthless selfishness.

She would think no more about it….

“MY LORD WISHES to speak with you,” Jasmine said. “You must come to the Great Hall at once.”

Thea glanced up at her before pouring more water at the base of the tree. “When I’m gone, you must be careful not to give these trees too much water. Too much is worse than not enough.”

“Have you told Allah this secret so that he can ration his rain?” Jasmine asked dryly.

“We can do nothing about God, but we can do all we can ourselves.”

“My lord wants you.”

There was no use putting it off any longer. She had been avoiding Ware all day, but she would have to face him sometime. “I’m coming.” She rose to her feet, dusted the earth from her skirt, and started back toward the castle. “I was finished here anyway.”

Jasmine fell into step with her. “He set me searching all over the castle for you. You are angry with him?”

“No.”

“He is angry with you?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps.” She changed the subject. “Have you practiced that loop stitch I showed you yesterday?”

Jasmine nodded. “But I’m still very clumsy.”

“The skill will come.”

“I showed it to Tasza. She did it better than I did.”

“You’re teaching Tasza to embroider? I thought she had no interest in learning it.”

“This is a good thing. Tasza will do as I tell her.”

Thea shook her head. “No, Jasmine. She must do it because it is her wish, or it will become slavery for her. I will not have that happen.”

Jasmine frowned. “Sometimes she doesn’t know what is good for her. I must tell her.” She paused. “I think she is afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“To fail. Everyone must take pride in something. Tasza may be a whore, but she is a very good whore. Through all the cruelties heaped upon her, she could hold to that. Now she must start at the beginning and it frightens her.” Her lips tightened. “But I’ll not permit her to stop. I could not save her when she went on the streets, but this is another chance. So do not tell me not to teach her.”

How could she remonstrate with Jasmine? She was not even sure she wanted to do so. Both these women had suffered and sacrificed for each other. It was not for her to interfere with a bond of such strength. “If I can help, call on me.”

“You can help us by staying. We need your teaching.”

She should have known Jasmine would ask that of her. “I cannot stay. As soon as Selene arrives, I must go to Damascus and make a life for us. You can understand how I want the best for her. You feel the same about your Tasza. I’ll teach you all I can before I leave.”

“It may not be enough.”

“Perhaps someday both of you can come and work with me. You are free women. It’s best now that you stay with Lord Ware, since I cannot offer you a place. But once I have my own house, I’ll send for you.”

Jasmine turned and stared directly into her eyes. “You promise me?”

“I promise you.”

Jasmine slowly nodded. “Then all will be well.”

Thea wished she were as confident. Those first few years were going to be a hard struggle for both her and Selene. “You may have to be patient.”

“I have patience.” She fixed Thea with a stern glance. “But you must work very hard, you understand?”

Thea smothered a smile and nodded meekly. “Every hour of the day.”

“Perhaps not every hour,” Jasmine said grimly. “But many hours of the day. And don’t wait until you can make a place for us. We’ll make a place for ourselves when you open your house. Soon you’ll find you won’t be able to do without us.”

What had she got herself into by that offer? she wondered ruefully. Jasmine and Tasza were both extremely strong-willed. If she wasn’t careful, they would be giving her orders in her own house. The thought brought no unease. It would be good to have about her people she knew and trusted when she ventured forth into the world of trade.

They had reached the castle and Jasmine opened the door. “You’ll teach me another stitch today?”

Thea nodded. “As soon as I leave Lord Ware. Come to my chamber.”

“I’ll try to bring Tasza.” She started toward the servants’ quarters. “It would be easier for her to learn from you than me.”

That was all she needed, Thea thought wearily—a difficult confrontation with Ware and then a lesson with a sulky, rebellious Tasza.

She braced herself, then strode quickly down the long corridor toward the Great Hall. She had deliberately kept herself from thinking about Ware or the words he had spoken last night. They brought a twisting pain that filled her with too much confusion and sadness. She must not think now. She must just reiterate her refusal and leave him.

He turned away from the window when he heard her steps. “It took you long enough. Where were you hiding?”

“I wasn’t hiding. I was tending the trees.”

“All day?”

She brushed the question aside. “What do you wish of me?”

“I told you what I wished.” He lifted his hand as she opened her lips to speak. “Don’t worry, I’m no longer out of my senses. I’ve no intention of either coupling with you or getting you with child.” He smiled sardonically as he added, “Today. I don’t speak for tomorrow. I woke this morning full of guilt and torment, but I can’t be sure it will last.”

She felt oddly deflated. After bracing herself to resist him, he had changed again and made resistance unnecessary. “Such conduct was most selfish of you.”

“I’m a selfish man. You should know that by now.”

A truly selfish man would not be tormented by guilt at taking what he wanted most in the world. By the saints, she was making excuses for him again, she realized with exasperation. “You can be very selfish…on occasion.”

He waved away her words. “But that’s not why I asked Jasmine to find you. I wanted to tell you that I’m going to Acre tomorrow. I’m leaving Abdul here to watch over you, but you’re not to leave the castle. Do you understand?”

“Acre?” she asked, startled. “Why?”

“To seek word of Kadar.”

“You said that it wasn’t unusual for him to take this long.”

“It’s not unusual.”

“Then why are you going?”

“It will do no harm to give Kadar and your sister safe escort back to Dundragon.”

“You didn’t think Kadar needed an escort when he left here. Why should it be necessary now?”

“Because I wish to go,” he snapped. “Stop questioning me. I’d think you’d like to see the last of me for a while.”

The last of him. Sudden fear iced through her. Every time he left the castle, there was a possibility it might be his last. “Not when you ride foolishly into danger for no reason.”

“I’m taking a small force.”

“And will that be enough if you’re attacked?”

“Of course it will. Do you think I’d let anything happen to my men?”

“No, you’d probably tell them to leave you and let yourself be cut down.” She tried to steady her voice. “It’s stupid for you to go when it’s not necessary.”

“It is necessary.”

“Why? When you said—”

“Dammit, because it will happen again.” His eyes were suddenly blazing down at her. “I have to get away from you. Some night I’ll drink too much and I’ll come to your bed. I want it too much. I want you too much.”

“So you would die for lust? You’d die for a child who doesn’t exist?” She wanted to shake him. “You said you were back in your senses, but I see no sign of it.”

“I’m not going out to die. I’m going to Acre to escort Kadar and your sister to Dundragon.”

“And risk your life doing it. You’re a stupid, stupid man.”

“Not only selfish but stupid.” He started for the door. “I’d best go before I become more of a monster than I am already.”

He was leaving her. Tomorrow he was leaving Dundragon. “Wait!”

He stopped and looked at her.

“This is madness,” she whispered. “Don’t go.”

“I can do nothing else,” he said haltingly. “I’ve hurt too many people already. I find…I cannot hurt you, too.”

She was shaking, she realized, as she watched him leave the room. She was cold and shaking with a knot twisting in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to strike out at him. She wanted to yell and scream.

She wanted to hold and comfort him.

It was the same emotion that had nearly overwhelmed her last night, but now it was stronger, much stronger. She turned and stared out at the mountains. Death could be waiting for him when he rode out tomorrow. The enigma that was Vaden could strike him down. Why would he not listen to her?

She knew why he would not listen. She understood him now, and she wished with her whole heart that she did not. She should not have allowed herself to come this close, but she could not hold at a distance someone she had embraced in friendship. It was not possible.

Any more than it was possible for her to let him ride out of Dundragon tomorrow into danger.

Her hand was trembling on the candlestick as she moved down the dark corridor. Her shadow looked small and fragile in the light cast on the stone walls. Mother of God, what was she doing? She wanted to run back to her own chamber and jump into bed and pull the covers over her head. He might not even be alone. She had purposely waited until the middle of the night, but Ware’s lust was great, and he might still be engaged in coupling.

Well, she could not help it if he was. She paused outside his chamber, drew a deep breath, and then threw open the door. “Wake up. I must talk to you.”

“I wasn’t asleep.” Ware sat up in bed and watched her impassively as she came into the chamber and closed the door. “But I have no desire to talk. We’ve said what we had to say.”

There was no woman in his bed, she saw with relief. “You are alone?”

“Obviously.”

“Will she be back?”

“Who?” Then he smiled crookedly as he understood. “No, I sent for no woman tonight.”

“Why not?”

“Perhaps I’ve decided to embrace once again a monk’s abstinence.”

She grunted with derision.

“And it’s none of your concern what my reasons were.”

“It’s my concern if she comes back while I’m here. It’s bad enough that I must do this, I refuse to share your bed.”

He went still. “Share?”

She glanced away from him as she set the candlestick on the table by the bed. Her chest was constricted and she was finding it hard to breathe. Get it over. It would be better when all was settled. She took off her sandals, then pulled her gown over her head and dropped it onto the floor. “Move over.”

He didn’t move. “What is this?” he asked hoarsely.

“It would appear evident to anyone who is not a monk, and you are certainly not that.” Since he had not made room for her, she went around to the other side of the bed and slipped beneath the cover. “I’ll not have your blood on my hands. I have other things to do with my life than sit and brood and wonder if I could have stopped this nonsense. I
will
stop it.”

“Get out of my bed.”

“Touch me.”

Every muscle of his body appeared rigid and locked in place. “I told you that I’d changed my mind.”

“And in the next breath that you were leaving to avoid temptation. If you yield to temptation, there will be no reason for you to leave.” He still did not move, and she didn’t think she could bear the tension much longer.

“
Touch
me.”

“I won’t have you sacrificing your life for—”

“I’m sacrificing nothing. I won’t let anyone deprive me of one thing that I value. Not my life, or my freedom, or anything else. I do this because I choose to do it. You wish my body? Take it. I’m not like my mother. I’ll be the same after the coupling is over.”

“You may not be the same.” He muttered, “I’ll probably do my best to make sure that you’re not.”

“A child?” She shrugged. “I’ll leave it in God’s hands. I like children, and I’d find a way to protect myself and my babe.”

“Not from the Templars.”

“They are only men.”

“You’re wrong, they’re not like—” He inhaled sharply as she rolled against him. “Get away,” he said through his teeth.

His flesh was hot and burning against her own, but his muscles were still locked and knotted. He had to break. She could not stand this. “Besides, you may not find me so easy to get with child. Nicholas used my mother for three years before she bore me. I’ll be here only a few more weeks.”

He turned his head and looked at her. He said thickly, “If I touch you now, I may not leave your body until you ride out those gates.”

Heat coursed through her, and for a moment she couldn’t speak. She moistened her lips. “Don’t be foolish. We both know coupling does not take long. I’ll be back in my chamber by dawn.”

“Will you?” He took her hand and placed it on his chest. “I think not.”

The hair on his chest prickled her palm and sent another spasm of heat through her. She could feel his heart drumming fast and hard beneath her touch, and his chest was moving rapidly. She had done this to him. She had stirred him, made his huge body respond. The knowledge brought her a strange sense of power. For the first time she could understand Tasza’s pride in her ability to arouse and please.

Tasza. The memory of the girl brought a twisting pang. She didn’t want to think of Tasza bringing Ware this pleasure. She reached down and began to stroke his abdomen.