literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (16 page)

“That’s right. I almost forgot. She wanted to help us find a Christmas tree and put up some lights,” Hunter said. If he had any enthusiasm, he sure hid it well, but I didn’t mind. Gertie and I had more than enough holiday spirit to light up the entire block.

“Right. We are decorating for two holidays, Hanukkah and Christmas, so we should plan to double the lights,” I reminded him.

Chapter Twenty

Oh Christmas Tree

Traveling by magic broom is a big advantage during the holidays—a huge, huge advantage. Goodbye to parking ramps, lots, meters, valets, and all of the risky winter driving. When I say risky, I’m actually talking about white knuckled, lip biting terror. And if you’ve ever traversed the city of Chicago in a snowstorm—when eight inches of snow has already fallen and four more are expected—and you somehow survive, you should be given a goddamned gold plated driver’s license. If it’s during rush hour, they should throw in a pet unicorn—complete with a diamond encrusted collar and twenty prepaid hours of therapy. And a stiff drink.

“Here we are, Daley Plaza. You guys wanted to start the season with seeing decorations and lights. It doesn’t get any more Christmassy than here. There’s the big tree and of course the Christmas market with vendors from all over. If you can’t feel Christmas here, I don’t know where else to look. Have you been here much, Gertie?” Hunter asked.

“No. It sure is a big improvement from what it was before the big fire. What exactly is that thing? It doesn’t look much like a Christmas decoration.” Gertie was pointing towards Chicago’s famous Picasso structure. A fifty foot tall monumental structure donated to the city by Picasso that has become one of the city’s landmarks.

I spotted the thing Gertie was pointing out. “It’s the Picasso. It’s not for Christmas, just some work of art that has been here for decades. I don’t really know what it’s supposed to look like. Personally, I just avoid looking at the eye. Or eyes. It makes me uncomfortable. What do you think it is, Hunter?” 

Hunter stared at it for a minute. “Hmm, I’ve never thought about it too much. It reminds me of some statue of an Egyptian pharaoh. Or maybe one of those Afghan hounds. Or maybe a baboon? I don’t think anyone knows for sure. I think most people from Chicago are probably so used to it, they don’t think about it much either. It’s just…there. We should show Gertie the ‘Bean’ in Millennium Park. Now that one is cool, but it really puzzles me. It’s exactly what I picture a UFO would look like.”

“I think the giant modern art is really nice in the city. It breaks up the boring buildings with something to look at. And yes the Bean is something I’ve seen. Brad told me it’s called the Cloud Gate. When the sky is blue and there are puffy white clouds, the Bean reflects all of it and it’s amazing. Magical really.” Gertie stared off into the dark sky, a big smile on her face.

“Okay Gertie, what’s bouncing around in that head? You’re not planning on doing any magic on these sculptures, are you?” I asked. Worried what she was cooking up.

“Oh, no. No magic. Brad and I kissed next to the Cloud Gate. For a long time, too. It was the best sex we’ve had with all of our clothes on.”

“Jesus! That must have been some kiss!” Hunter laughed.

I tugged for Hunter to lean his ear down, “That’s how I felt when we kissed at Buckingham Fountain.”

“You know. I’m glad Randy isn’t in charge of placing art here. We’d be staring at two giant red noodles rubbing together,” Gertie said.

We wandered over to the monstrous Chicago Christmas tree. It was blazing with lights that lit up the plaza in a fun holiday glow. “Now that…is a tree,” Gertie said. “You guys have ceilings that are maybe twelve feet high. You need a big one, Leigh! One that’ll really make you just want to enjoy looking at it.”

“I’ve got mine right here.” I nodded towards Hunter’s crotch and winked at Gertie.

Hunter was completely oblivious to my reference and unwittingly kept Gertie and me snickering. “I don’t know how big is considered big. Everyone sees that differently.” The giggles started. “I suppose it all depends on how much room you have, what you can really fit in there without problems.” Our giggling intensified. “If you get the real thing, you’re stuck with what Mother Nature created.” Now it was getting hard for us to maintain control. “If you go artificial, well, then you can just get exactly the size you’re looking for.” Gertie was losing it more than I was at that point. “And of course, no matter what you have, it comes down to what you do with it.” Then we were practically rolling on the ground. “Have to keep in mind that your presents will be under it, too. Don’t want to squash them.” Gertie and I were actually holding each other up at that point. Poor Hunter just looked at us like we were out of our minds. “What’s so funny?” Neither of us could catch our breath long enough to explain. Hunter simply shook his head as we continued walking.

We were in the covered vendor area of the Christmas market, or Christkindlmarket as they bill it. It was there that our festive, giddy mood turned dark. Hunter pulled both of us close and whispered, “Don’t turn around. We’re being followed. There are two guys. Two big heavy guys actually. They’ve been watching us, and I’m certain they’re following us now. You can’t miss them, they are wearing these ugly knit Christmas sweaters.”

I was skeptical and just had to give my head enough of a turn to get a glimpse of them. “They are big and they might be watching us, but if they were spying on us, why? And why would they wear those sweaters? They would want to blend in, not stand out.”

Gertie took a look also. “They’re hairy, too! Did you see their eyebrows? You could braid those things.”

“I don’t know about the eyebrows, but those ugly sweaters tell me something. My guess? They aren’t from here. Maybe they’re foreigners. They assumed people would be wearing some cheesy Christmas garb at a place like this. I think we should quietly get out of here. Just stay close to me.”

Hunter carefully led us out of the plaza and to a secluded place so we could use our brooms. Once we arrived at home, Gertie and I tried to relax in my weird pornographic orange living room. “What do you think those guys wanted?” Gertie asked with a somewhat shaky voice.

“Nothing. I wouldn’t worry one bit. You see all sorts of people in the city. Your voice is kind of shaky. Are you all right?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s not the creepy huge guys in the sweaters that bother me. It’s that screaming person on your rug. And those statues are making me imagine awkward things that I’d rather not think about,” Gertie explained.

“So, what are you getting Brad for Christmas?” I asked, hoping to get some ideas.

“I have absolutely no idea what he needs. I don’t want to get him some firefighting themed thing. He seems to have enough of that. What about you? What are you getting for Hunter?”

“I’m not too sure. I think we are going to forego any big gifts and save the money for the wedding and a trip after. Still, I really want to give him something. It’s our first holiday season together.”

Just as I finished saying those words, Hunter walked in carrying the turkey. “I have to bring him inside. He won’t shut up. The neighbors will be complaining for sure. I’m going to put some newspaper down on the floor in that spare bedroom, close him in there for the night, and hope for the best.” Luna trotted along behind him, intensely curious to what was going on.

“Oh and that’s another thing, Gertie. What are we going to do about that…turkey?” I paused because I thought I saw something fluttering through the air above us. “Did you see something? I thought I saw something…flying, like a little bird.”

Gertie looked around and then we both saw it again. It fluttered almost randomly around the living room ceiling. “I think a little bird got into the house.” Gertie got up and went to chase it away. Then I heard the words that nobody ever wants to hear. Certainly not me. “Bat! It’s a bat in the house!” Gertie screamed. Apparently Gertie and I have a fear of bats in common. And the worst thing is to have your sanctuary invaded by one of the flying devils. Gertie dove towards me like she was sliding into the home plate in a baseball game. I turned and ran out of the room and went for the stairs.

“Hunter! Hunter! There’s a fucking bat in the house!” Gertie and I charged up the stairs and into the bedroom out of instinct and fear.

Hunter and Luna came out from the turkey’s temporary lodging and joined us. “What did you say?”

“There is a fucking bat. Flying around. In the goddamn house,” I huffed.

“It can’t be a bat. It’s too cold for bats to be out. They have to be hibernating…don’t they?” Hunter wondered.

“All I know is there is a bat in the house. Can you please find it and chase it out?” I begged.

“All right. Stay in here. You know those things carry rabies,” he said before he walked out.

“Rabies? Did he say rabies?” Gertie yelped.

“Great, just what I wanted. A rabies infested bat flying around the house. It’s probably foaming at the mouth,” I mumbled.

“If I knew it didn’t have rabies, I could change it into something nice like a flying squirrel. But if it has rabies, I don’t want to end up creating an even worse rabid flying monster,” Gertie added. We heard Hunter chasing it downstairs. Then he charged up the stairs and down the hall. Luna, Gertie, and I sat silently listening for any more noise.

Hunter finally returned empty handed. “It’s gone. I’m sure it went up into the attic. There must be a place for it to get through by that attic access hatch in the hallway.” Hunter looked at us in our pathetic state. “Hey, don’t worry. I’ll sleep in the chair tonight, you guys take the bed. No bat will get in here. Tomorrow I’ll call someone I know at animal control. Maybe they know what we can do about this.”

Chapter Twenty One

Bat Out of Hell

It was early on Saturday and I heard Hunter on the phone, apparently he got ahold of his friend from animal control. Unfortunately I couldn’t hear the guy on the other end of the conversation.

“Well, it was a bat. I don’t really know how else to describe it,” Hunter said.

I interrupted, “Put him on speaker, in case I have any questions, please.”

The man continued his conversation, “Well, sounds like you have what’s called the Big Brown bat. That’s the name of the species. They don’t leave for the winter, as long as they have a place that is cold. Just above freezing but not too warm. Like an attic in an old house.”

“Wouldn’t they be hibernating, though?” Hunter asked.

“No, they go into a state of semi-hibernation. They’ll wake up occasionally during the winter. Move around to get the most comfortable temperature and go back to sleep. Sometimes they’ll fly around and see if there is anything to eat or look for water to drink. That’s when they get in the house.”

I interrupted him with my pressing question, “So how do we get rid of it?”

“That’s the problem, in the winter, once they’ve found a good spot, all their little buddies come and stay and they form a colony. If you see one in the winter, you’ve got a colony in your attic. It’s against the law to disturb a colony of bats. You have to wait until spring, and close off all outside openings, and put in a one-way bat door. They’ll leave, but won’t come back.”

That was when I freaked out. “A colony? A colony? How many is that?”

“Could be hundreds of them,” he said.

“Hunter? We have to move again. I can’t live with a colony of goddamned bats. No way in hell.”

“Hold on, babe. Thanks, Gary. I’ll call you if I have any more questions.” Hunter hung up the call and then answered me, “Listen. I’ll seal off the attic access panel for the winter. Hopefully that’s the only place they can get in. Their mostly asleep anyway.”

“No! No, no. No! You don’t get it. I can’t handle any chance of a bat getting in. Asleep or awake, the thought of a colony of giant brown—”

“Big Brown.
Big
brown bats, not
giant
.”

“I don’t care if they are miniature yellow bats…with pink fucking polka dots. A colony of bats in the same house as me? I’ll die of a heart attack.”

“You heard the man. It’s illegal to mess with a colony. You’ll see, they won’t get back in.”

I walked away disheartened. This was the worst possible scenario. I had a whole
colony
of damn bats in my house. Just the words ‘colony of bats’ made my heart pound. It was time for me to take matters into my own hands.

I remembered Hamster Dick mentioning that he ran a pest extermination business. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t even blink over some law that protected bats. I needed action before nightfall when bats would wake up. I made an emergency call to Kelly to put out a contract on those bats. Kelly in turn set up the emergency top secret bat removal operation through Hamster Dick and Johnny Nipples. I advised her to have them arrive while we were out hunting down a Christmas tree.

“Whew! I got it under control, Luna.”

“Meow. Meow.”

“Always have to play devil’s advocate, don’t you?”

Gertie heard me talking to Luna and I thought that I wouldn’t mention my illegal activity to her. Her loyalties to all critters could override her bat phobia and get me in trouble. “Oh, nothing. Apparently we have a colony of bats that are too lazy to go find a cave to hibernate in, so we have to let them stay in our attic all winter.”

“What? A colony of bats? Sweet baby Jesus!” Gertie nearly fainted. “What can you do?”

“Nothing. Apparently we have to wait until they leave in the spring. Then we have to seal up those old attic windows, which are pointless as far as I’m concerned. Hunter is sealing up the place where they came into the hallway as we speak. And I don’t even want to talk about the bats any more. Let’s get out there and find a nice Christmas tree.”

And that is how I handled it with Gertie. Brad came by just as Hunter had finished sealing up the attic access. “Well, you guys all ready to go? You all look worn out!” He commented on our appearance.

“We were up most of the night hiding from a bat that got into Leigh’s house,” Gertie said. “Oh, but we’re not even going to talk about the bats anymore. Leigh’s orders. Let’s all have some fun and get a tree.”