literal leigh 05 - joyful leigh (6 page)

This seemed dangerous to me. “No, Hunter! You said that this would be safe.”

“It’s not like we’re talking armed robbery, Leigh. Besides, I’ll be undercover, in a Furry suit.” He pointed to the duffel bag. “It’s in there.”

“Wha ha ha ha! Hunter’s going to be a Furry? Oh, I am going to be there recording this. It’s going to be fucking epic!” Kelly was clearly plastered and laughing hysterically.

“I’m going to choose to ignore you, Kelly.” Hunter took another drink of the magically strong Mad Dog. “And don’t worry, Leigh. I’ll be fine.”

“I think you are just downplaying the danger for my sake. I’m going to worry regardless.” I sipped the sweet banana flavored rocket fuel. “Don’t you think you should try that Furry suit on? After all, Gertie
is
a seamstress. If it needs to be altered, she can take care of it.”

“Yeah, Hunter! Give us a little show.” Randy pulled out a pile of orange and white fluffy material from the duffle bag and handed it to Hunter. A chorus of pleas echoed from the rest of us. We were all curious to see how he’d look.

“All right, all right. But you have to understand this is top secret police bus…busanence…business.” Hunter stumbled out of the room, dragging the costume behind him.

Kelly went over to the old spell book and flipped through some of the pages. “While he’s getting changed into his fur freak suit, I’d like to get back to the whole Spell Club thing. So far we haven’t done anything. Unless of course you want to include Lindsey’s accidental spell that turned shitty cheap wine into something even stronger and shittier.”

“I’m with Kelly,” Randy agreed. “If we’re going to be casting spells and using witchcraft, I don’t want to continue to embarrass ourselves. We’ll always be looked at as the backwater oddballs of witchdom, the bush league witches.”

I had to disagree. “At this point we’re all getting slightly smashed. I say we just start over and have another meeting right after Thanksgiving. Otherwise, you never know what we might do. I certainly want to improve my skills, but I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight. What do you guys say?”

“I suppose your right, Leigh. Let’s reconvene next weekend.” Kelly closed the book and just before she sat back down, she looked at the entrance to the living room with a strange look. It was as if she had seen a ghost. Thankfully, it was only Hunter. He was dressed in a fluffy, orange and white cat costume. “Oh. My. God. Schrödinger’s cat lives!”

Not another reference to that stupid hypothetical cat.
I had to say something about it this time. “Wait! I’ve been hearing all of these references to that goddamned Schrödinger’s cat lately. And I have to be completely honest about something, I don’t get it. Not one bit. I mean, really, what’s so hard to figure out what will happen to a cat locked in a box with a bottle of poison? It’s just plain cruel if you ask me.”

“What? Who is this Schrödingerlinger guy? He should be skinned alive! Or at least thrown in jail!” Gertie was on the verge of a full blown conniption fit.

Lindsey did her best to soothe Gertie and calm her down. “Relax. No cats were harmed. Well, I don’t think so anyway.”

“That discussion should keep those two busy for a while. Well, Leigh, that sure is a cute pussy you’ve got there. A tad bit on the furry side, though.” Kelly winked at me and then went to get a closer look at Hunter. His suit was filled with padding that made him appear to be a very
round
cat. He seemed to be having a problem with a zipper on the front.

“Leigh? Can you help me out? This zipper won’t budge. I want to pull it down and get out of this. It’s so damn hot in here to begin with, but when you wear this outfit, it’s just too much.”

I pulled on the zipper’s little metal tab with all my might. “I can’t even budge it.” I looked over my big pudgy cat and started to laugh. The outfit had a hood that came over his head and down over his eyes and nose. The collar even covered his neck and chin. There was a rubbery black nose and long white whiskers. The only parts of him still visible were his mouth and his blinking eyes that peered through two holes in the hood. “I just love your ears, though!” I reached up and swatted them. My eyes roamed down Hunter’s cat suit body. “Hey, Kelly, check this out. Velcro trap doors! Easy access! One in the front and one under his big fluffy tail.”

“Of course! You know, I’ve heard that some of these Furry get-togethers can get pretty damn kinky. They would need some sort of access like that.” Kelly noted and it struck me as such a funny thing to say. The laughter I was trying to contain erupted. I couldn’t control myself. That only spurred Kelly on, “Here, kitty kitty. Now Hunter, you need to get into character.”

“I can’t. I’m having traumatic flashbacks from being possessed by Little Schlitt!” Hunter tripped over the big cat paws on his feet and laid there on his back, helpless. His arms and legs waved around at random as he clawed the air for something to pull himself up on.

Kelly looked to see what Hunter tripped on. “It’s got footies, too! Like a giant sized onsie that you’d put on a baby.”

“Oh! Stop, Kelly. Stop already! I, I can’t breathe. It’s so damn fu-fu-funny!”

Luna returned to the room and jumped up on Hunter’s chest. She sat only inches from Hunter’s face, staring at him intently. It was a little creepy the way she looked at him. I swear I saw her little tongue flop out of her drooling mouth.

“All right, all right. You two have had your laughs. Please, help me get me up and out of this damn thing,” Hunter begged. “I’m getting itchy, and I think I’m a little drunk.”

“Okay, Okay.” I calmed my laughter and tried to pull Hunter to his feet. “Kelly, give me a hand.” It was useless. Kelly and I couldn’t stop laughing and we were both dizzy from the magic wine. Then Luna pawed open the Velcro tabs on Hunter’s fly. “Oh my God!” I shouted.

Kelly clapped her hands and cheered. “Wow! Bravo! You are kinkier than I thought, Hunter. Sweet looking thong you have on.”

“It’s a jock strap. I figured it would be appropriate for this.”

I noticed that Kelly’s eyes were fixated on the skimpy material that barely contained Hunter’s large bulge. I scrambled to put the fly back in place, but Luna kept pulling the material out of my fumbling hands.

“Let me give you a hand there, Leigh,” Kelly practically drooled as bad as Luna.

“No, no, I can handle it by myself. Put your eyes back in your head, Kelly.” I was straddling Hunter’s legs, fighting with Luna over the flap of furry material. In the background I thought I heard someone at the front door. “Randy? Would you see if someone is here?”

Luna hissed at me and pounced on Hunter’s coiled love snake. It was too much. I started laughing again, I just couldn’t help it. Poor Hunter shrieked a nearly unintelligible string of profanities as if he were Satan with Turret’s Syndrome. “Ow! Mother fuckin’ cat claw, God damn you fucking cat! Oh my God! Get that cat off of me!” Luna scooted further down inside the depths of the suit.

“I think your cat just ripped open Hunter’s ball sack,” Kelly commented.

“Oh my God! I don’t know what kind of unholy den of perversion you are running here, but I am here to talk to you about how you frightened my daughter the other day.” an unfamiliar female voice shouted.

We looked up and saw a woman that I recognized from up the street. She was the mother of the young girl I met on my way home. “Sorry, Leigh. I tried to tell her to come back later, but she insisted on seeing you,” Randy said apologetically.

I was still straddling the huge Man-Cat and my hands were now inside Hunter’s open fly as I probed around for Luna. Kelly was feeling the material around Hunter’s chest to help locate my insane cat. Hunter continued to yelp out cat-claw-induced obscenities.

“I’m sorry. It was just a little joke. I didn’t mean to say anything wrong. I’m not really a witch. Where is that thing? Come on kitty.” Hunter writhed under me and I was bouncing up and down.

Lindsey and Gertie just had to pick that exact moment to walk over carrying the Grimoire. “I’ve got a spell that should work to fix this!” Lindsey slurred out some intoxicated version of ancient Latin prose.

“Lindsey, stop! You don’t know what could happen with that witchcraft!” Gertie squeaked.

“I’ve got her!” I dragged Luna up through Hunter’s fly. Hunter held back his scream, growling through clenched teeth as Luna’s claws ripped his thighs.

“It’s a girl!” Shouted Kelly when I finally freed the cat and held her up.

The woman who came to scold me fell to the floor in a dead faint at the sight of Hunter apparently giving birth to a black cat during a crude caesarian operation.

Gertie applauded. “Ooh! Congratulations! I didn’t know you were expecting. Wait…isn’t that just Luna? Awww…” The effects of the alcohol only seemed to enhance Gertie’s ability to make some pretty quirky observations. Okay, to be honest, Gertie sometimes stretched the definition of quirky.

Lindsey rushed to the aid of the stricken visitor. The woman came around to her senses and as soon as she did, she made a dash for the door and scrammed out of the house, leaving one of her shoes behind.

“Great. Now we have to do the whole Cinderella bit,” Randy lamented as he examined the brown leather loafer. “Never mind that, this is the most ghastly slipper ever made! I’ve seen better shoes on horses.”

Chapter Eight

A Bad Cattitude

“What got into you?” I asked Luna before she scurried away.

“
I
know what she got into,” Hunter growled as he managed to roll over. “Hey, did someone use some magic?”

“I might have. I was trying to help,” Lindsey said sheepishly.

“I think there’s a problem. Something weird is happening.” Hunter was slightly panicked. “It feels…Oh shit! This suit feels like it’s gluing itself onto me now!”

“Look at the zipper now, Leigh. That thing looks like it’s welded together.” Kelly actually leaned back to exert her full force and weight against the frozen zipper. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m guessing that Lindsey’s inebriated ass threw some sort of spell on this Furry costume.”

I pulled to no avail. “Gertie? Lindsey? Can you guys do something?”

“I don’t know what spell I cast. I had no idea what the hell I was trying to pronounce. But I’m kinda’ proud of myself for casting not just one but two spells tonight! Come here Gertie. Give me a hug.” Lindsey drunk-tackled Gertie onto the couch.

“There isn’t anything I can do. We need Marie. Again,” Gertie said from underneath Lindsey. “Can someone help get Lindsey off of me? I think she fell asleep.”

“Marie and Esmeralda aren’t going to be available until tomorrow night.” Kelly replied.

I nodded towards Lindsey. “I think Lindsey has the right idea about just getting some sleep. Let’s get her on the couch. Gertie and Kelly, you can take the extra bedroom upstairs across the hall from ours. There’s a big old bed in there. Sorry, it might look like something from an old haunted house movie…but,” I held my hands up and looked around, “it’s the old Schlitt house after all. And Randy, there is another bedroom next to that one. Same deal. Original old bed.”

“Hold on a sec. You mean I have to stay in this ridiculous costume overnight? No way.” Hunter growled.

“Leigh, do you have any big scissors? I could try cutting him out.” Randy suggested.

“Thanks, Randy, but that won’t work. I can tell this thing is glued onto me now.” The tone of Hunter’s voice had softened. He seemed resigned to his fate of spending the night as an obese orange cat. “And I can’t ruin it. I still need it for my assignment tomorrow afternoon. I suppose I can survive until I’m off duty. But then, I swear I’ll rip it to shreds if I have to.”

Lindsey was belly flopped down on the couch and the rest of our guests found their rooms. Hunter, Luna, and I crawled into bed. Actually, Hunter just sort of flopped on top of the bed with his arms and legs splayed out. Luna looked at him for a minute and then ran out the door.

“Well, Hunter, I think we’ve finally found a way to keep Luna out of our bed when we don’t want her in here. You just have to dress up in a cat suit.”

“Leigh? Will you crack the window just a bit? I swear I’m going to die of heatstroke. Ever since the furnace was repaired, it’s been getting warmer and warmer in here. Add the cat suit and I feel like I’m being cooked like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

“Sure. And now that we’re in bed, how about I open your trap doors? It should let some of the heat out.” I opened the window an inch and then went to work opening the suit’s handy flaps. “Kelly is right. There are some people that get pretty kinky with these Furry suits. I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but…”

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking of something tonight, Leigh. Try wearing one of these cat suits. Christ, it’s itchy! Sex isn’t even something that crosses my mind.”

“No. I witnessed something once. When I was in college, I would sometimes walk through a park. One time I was passing through there later than usual and I witnessed something…something very disturbing.”

“What was it? Don’t tell me it was Furries.”

“Not exactly, at least not the way I imagine Furries. I saw people dressed up as fairy tale and nursery rhyme themed characters.”

“Nothing too crazy about that. I’d worry more about gang activity or something.” Hunter shifted his furry body in a futile attempt to get comfortable.

“Oh, it wasn’t so much that people were dressed like that. It was what some of them
were doing
. Let me just say, seeing Peter Rabbit giving Humpty Dumpty a blowjob really bothered me for quite a while. And you don’t even want to know what Snow White was doing to entertain the seven dwarves. I got the hell out of there because I was afraid. It was fall, and guess what I was wearing? My scarlet red peacoat and a red knit cap.”

“Aha! You were afraid you would be mistaken for Little Red Riding Hood! Good thing you realized it.”

“Yep. Red Riding Hood. I had nightmares of being chased by a guy in a wolf suit. They went on for months.”

“Huh. I’m still trying to figure out how Humpty Dumpty…the anatomy isn’t right for a big egg.” Hunter was finally cooling down. “Ahh, I feel a little better now.”