Little Fish (5 page)

"Sure thing, sweetie. Give Alex a call when you get a chance."

I was able to restrain my tears all afternoon until I saw Calder standing in my doorway. His face was painted with brotherly concern for how shaky my voice had been on the phone when I had called him and asked him to come over, his hair just as tousled as ever. All I wanted to do was run a brush that damn mop every time I saw him. "What's goin' on, Win? You sounded upset."

"Alex," I sucked in my breath, feeling the words weigh on me as I was about to speak them aloud for the first time, "Is married. To this gorgeous, awful woman. And he's been using me to try and get her to divorce him." Hearing it aloud completely destroyed the composure I'd been fighting to maintain all day, and I felt the tears start rolling from my eyes. Calder looked shocked, rushing forward to embrace me. I don't think I'd ever cried in front of him before; It seemed to alarm him greatly.

"I'll fucking kill that piece of shit bastard, Win. I swear to God..." He muttered into my hair, his warm breath against my skin making it uncomfortably moist. I shook my head against his shoulder, the fabric of his shirt rubbing my forehead scratchily.

"No, I don't want that. I just want to forget about this all." I refused to tell him about the sex and the SD card that was still sitting on my coffee table, all small and vile and incriminating. I would smash the thing once he left, I decided, after battling myself all afternoon about whether or not to admit to Calder the worst of the situation. The image of his face mirroring his dad's expression of disappointment clouded my judgment, and I knew at that moment I couldn't bear to face that feeling.

"I knew he was slime, I fucking knew it! I should have-"

"Should have what? Told me no? I wouldn't have listened." I looked up at Calder as I swiped my fingers beneath my eyes, seeing the wet eyeliner that now marred my fingertips. Calder looked at me strangely, an expression on his face I'd never seen before. Like he was thinking very hard about what to say next. I beat him to it. "I didn't know who else to call. You were the first person that came to mind."

"I was on my way to surprise Anna anyways," he said quietly. "But I'm glad you came to me."

I didn't like the way he spoke, his words exiting his mouth a little too quietly, like he was whispering me a secret. Calder had always been so loud and charming and had a way about his speech, but now he seemed confused, like he wasn't sure of his own words. I looked into his face and he seemed to be struggling, like me being upset was hurting him. I looked up at him with confusion. "What's wrong?"

Calder blinked, like he just realized I was speaking to him, and without warning his lips crashed down forcefully onto mine.

VIII.

I had already felt lightheaded enough without Calder kissing me, but once his lips pressed down upon mine I nearly fell backwards in a stupor. His arms around me middle back and waist kept me upright, my legs threatening to slither out from beneath me and leave me to land where I may. The kissing continued, first slow and questioning, like he was testing hot bathwater with his toes before completely delving in. I couldn't respond, I didn't know how. I just stood there and allowed him to kiss me. It was like I was in a trance, reliving everything that had happened in the past few days and wondering how I had gotten to this point. His kiss became more demanding, frustrated at my lack of response. His hand slid up my spine to the back of my neck, trying to press my head close to him in encouragement. "C'mon,Win, kiss me," He breathed against my lips.

I couldn't even force myself to shut my eyes, and I watched him half-lidded as his hair fell in his face and he continued to try and force a reaction out of me. I couldn't handle it, and very gently I pressed my hand against his chest to push him back, the feeling of numbness finally exiting my mind and allowing me to remember my faculties. His eyes opened as he let go of me, dropping his hands from me as if he just realized that had the plague. His beautiful dark eyes, once friendly, now reminded me of those of a feral cat: Wild and confused and afraid. "Win, I'm sorry. I can't..."

"You need to go, Calder." I found that my mouth could utter no other words. I wanted to be outraged, to throw things at him and express how betrayed he had made me feel, to tell him how he was the only guy I felt I could trust besides his own father and how he'd just destroyed it. My brain couldn't process, the words wouldn't form. I felt very fatigued suddenly, like I just wanted to curl up in bed and forget that an outside world existed. He looked hurt, like he wanted me to tell him to stay. Running a hand through his hair he nodded slightly.

"Y-yeah. I'll go. See you later."

The strength to uncurl myself from my couch eluded me for the rest of night after Calder left. I was still in my work clothes, tightness of my denim shorts cutting off the circulation through my thighs, but getting up and changing seemed completely fruitless. I was still in shock the next morning, images of Alex's charming grin as he so easily lied to me and Calder's confused look as he left floating sporadically through my brain and making me want to vomit. I couldn't believe that Calder had done what he had. My own brother (I knew he wasn't really my brother, but the betrayal seemed almost as bad) had kissed me when I was crying on him, looking for support. He tried to force me to kiss him back, even, and my stomach turned at the thought. There was a knock at my door, and I felt acid rise in my throat and burn my flesh.

"Winnie! Open up, it's Anna! I need someone to run lines with me before this audition today!"

I felt my chest heave. I couldn't see Anna now, not after what had happened with Calder. Christ, I had set her up with him! I had so happily looked forward to them being the perfect couple, so right for each other in every way, and he was over here the previous night kissing me. What kind of friend was I? I put Anna in this position only for her to be hurt. Obviously he hadn't told her, and I couldn't look into her face and see her happy smile and tell her the truth. "I'm sick, Anna. I can't."

"Want me to make you some soup or something?" I heard her call through the door, and I felt wicked, burning tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I pressed the palms of my hands against my face roughly, feeling my eye sockets become uncomfortably compressed until the tears stopped themselves.

"No, I'm just gonna sleep. I'll call you later." My voice didn't sound like my own, all scratchy and false. Lying to Anna made me feel like I'd just kicked a homeless puppy, and once more I felt that numbness try to creep back into my psyche.

"Oh, okay. Well feel better, hun!" I heard her footsteps go down the empty hallway, I assumed back to her apartment. My throat still burned with the bile that I had swallowed back down, and the urge to cry overtook me again. I wanted to just disappear, not have to feel any of this insanity, this complete and utter bullshit, anymore. I looked through bleary eyes to see my cellphone on the table beside that damned taunting piece of plastic and wires no bigger than a quarter. I hadn't had the strength to break it yet, and it sat there accusingly staring me in the face. I reached lazily for my cellphone instead, going through my contacts until I found the 'D' section.

"Hey, Winnie! Long time, no talk. How's LA treating you?" Dan Vidalia's voice was so soothing to me, a sound that made me feel at home and safe, like a security blanket. He had been the most stable thing in my life, despite only being in it for a few years of my late teens. Dan was my dad, as far as I was ever concerned. I needed his advice.

"Um, it's different for sure," I tried to sound like a normal human being instead of the hollow shell I felt like. I curled up against myself as tightly as I could. "I need to talk to you about something. I don't really have anyone to talk to out here, y'know?"

"Sure, kiddo. What's going on?" He said congenially enough, as if the fact that I hadn't called since my first week in LA meant absolutely nothing. The thought that he wasn't mad at me for not getting ahold of him more often made me want to crawl out of my skin a little less, but still I felt bad to just call and unload on him. But then again, that was the kind of person Dan was: He liked to care for others. I sometimes think that's why he stayed with my mother as long as he did, because he liked trying to piece together our shitty little family and make it seem whole. I certainly never minded any.

"Well, a lot actually. But, um, I found Calder out here. Totally by accident. And... I don't know, things got messed up," I heard my voice break when I said 'up', and the tears began to fall again. God damn it. I heard Dan sigh after a pause, like he was preparing himself for the worst. I could imagine him taking off his glasses and rubbing the brim of his nose between his thumb and forefinger like he always did when he got stressed out.

"Winnie, I have a feeling I already know what you're going to tell me, so can I just tell you some stuff and try to explain myself?" His voice sounded almost pained, and my stomach twisted into knots uncomfortably. I rested my cheek against the phone, ready to listen.

"Go for it."

Dan sighed once more. "Well, you know Calder and I always had a difficult relationship. After Maria passed away, he started thinking that he needed to act out to get my attention. Never made an effort at school, fucked off with his friends, you remember how he was. And once I and your mother got together it just got worse. I loved you all very much, but Calder... I went through a phase where I thought he resented me for remarrying. I told him it didn't mean that I never loved his mother, and that I didn't expect him to think of you as a sister or Pauline as his mother."

"I know, I remember hearing you guys fight about it. A lot." I quietly interjected, flashing back to the days when I would sit with my ear pressed against my bedroom door and listen to Calder and Dan argue. It wasn't as if it had been a daily thing, but it had certainly been a weekly thing. Calder had always treated me like a little sister, though: He picked on me enough, where I would run errands for him and find him girls to try to hook up with. Obviously I'd never had another sibling before, so that seemed normal enough to me.

"I thought the problem was that he didn't accept you two as part of our family. But, one night I was going through Calder's drawers because I'd found a roach in the toilet bowl before he went out with some of his friends. In his nightstand he had some porn magazines, which was normal, but then I found that he had some pictures of you in there from the summer before, when you and your mom went to your Aunt Sarah's beach party."

I vaguely remembered that day, hanging out with my mom's small family (the ones she talked to at least) and playing beach volleyball with my cousins. I had gotten a new sparkly pink bikini to go with my hair; back when I had first started dyeing it the burgundy shade I kept it still. A chill went up my spine thinking about Dan finding pictures of me in what was obvious a drawer meant for nasty things I didn't want to think about, but suddenly the cloudy haze in my brain was making more sense.

"I confronted him about it, obviously, and he told me that it was my fault he couldn't be happy. It was my fault he couldn't have a shot with the girl he'd grown to fall for, and that if I ever cared about him I'd leave your mother and give him a chance to try and be with you," he sighed remorsefully," I told him he was too much of a fuck up, told him it was wrong to think of you that way. I could've handled it better, I wish I had. That was the night he left."

A dry lump grew uncomfortably in my throat. I wish I had known about these things before, but I could see why Dan never told me. All it would have done was make Calder hated him, wreck any chance of them reconciling. I felt pity for my ex step brother, in honesty; We had all loved him, me and his father both, but he was too wrapped up in his own mind to realize it. That was just Calder though, always wrapped up in himself. He did whatever he wanted with no concern for anyone else, and if things didn't go the way he planned or he didn't get what he wanted, he completely forgot about it, ran away. Like I was trying to do with the Alex situation. The light went off in my brain.

"I'm gonna go see him tonight and talk to him. If you want, I'll tell him to call you

," I offered, sitting up and running my finger through my knotted ponytail. Upon this revelation I suddenly felt revitalized, like a burst of energy coursing through me. I wasn't going to hide from my problems or run away from them. There was fixing to be done.

"Good luck, Winnie. Love you, sweetheart."

IX.

I couldn't make myself go inside that damned strip club. I had this horrible thought in the back of my head that if I went in there, Calder would see me and assume that I wanted to see him get naked and I didn't need any more awkwardness. I waited outside once I knew they were closing, hoping to catch him on the way out and not have to run into Freddy Danvers or any of the other guys either. The streetlight above me made the glitter on my pink flats shimmer in the darkness as I shifted my weight from foot to foot, my hand tucked in my pink hoodie pockets as I nearly snapped my neck turning to look whenever I heard a sound near the door.

He walked out; sweat still beading his forehead but his hair was finally slicked back out of his face. He wore a simple pair of jeans and a white button down, and when he turned to see me standing by the door his face changed from thoroughly satisfied to completely mortified. "Win, h-hey," he sputtered nervously, and I felt my heart thud in my chest sorely. I was trying so hard not to lose my nerve, remembering everything Dan had told me on the phone earlier. This wasn't a secret I could avoid or act like I didn't know about. We had to discuss it.

"Hey... wanna go for a walk? Go sit on the beach, maybe?" It was probably the most awkward I had ever felt talking to Calder. Before it was so easy, because he was my brother. But now, it was something different. I couldn't see him as my brother anymore, or any type of family. I had to level the playing field. He motioned with his hand for me to lead the way, so I began walking down the sidewalk where I knew the quickest back alley route to the beach two blocks over. Calder was quick to catch up to me, and I could feel him gazing at me and burning holes into my flesh with his eyes.