Little Fish (6 page)

"I'm sorry, Win." His voice was quiet again. "I shouldn't have done what I did. You deserved better than what me and that scumbag did to you." I didn't like when he spoke like this, sounding like a completely different person. I exhaled through my nose, trying to regain my nerve now that he had opened the conversation.

"I called your dad this morning," I let the words carefully slide from my tongue, glancing over at Calder from the corners of my eyes. I was afraid mentioning Dan would cause him to shut down and stop talking to me, considering the fact that he'd pointedly avoided asking about him after asking me about the divorce. He looked even tempered enough, so I continued as we crossed the empty street and our feet sunk into the sand a few yards away from the ocean swell: "He told me about why you really left. And now knowing all of this, I really wish you had just talked to me back when we were still in high school."

He laughed dismally despite himself, the air growing only slightly chillier around us as we neared the water's edge. The salty smell was welcome; giving me a comfort that somewhat reminded me of home. I watched him drop into the sand, planting himself on his ass and shoving his hands in his pockets, knees bent. I, a few steps ahead, stopped and turned around. "Win, you were my sister. My fucking little sister, as I kept being reminded. And I know you well enough to know you would've freaked out if I ever even tried to talk to you like that. My dad would've probably kicked me out after that anyways."

"You're the one that left, Calder. You act like everyone abandons you when really you just run away from everything." The words came out before I could control myself, and I felt myself plop down in the sand with my legs sprawled out before me. I slid my flats off before the sand could get trapped inside beneath my feet.

"I'm not running now, am I?" He looked at me meaningfully, like he wanted me to realize how important this really was to him. How important I really was to him. I sighed again. As long overdue as this conversation was, it wasn't one I particularly wanted to be having. I felt like this was going to be a therapy session, what with all the issues I suddenly realized plagued Calder. His secret feelings for me, his inability to realize when people just wanted the best for him, how he clearly wasn't over his mother's death. I almost felt guilty that this was the one thing he could deal with.

"Not yet. But I think you and your dad need to-"

"I don't want to talk to him. I've been fine without him this whole time, and I damn well don't need him for anything," His voice hardened defensively and his jaw tightened, my lips pulled tightly together to resist from speaking again and making him angry. It pissed me off that he would just interrupt me when I was trying so hard to just get through the conversation, but he looked at me with that expression that reminded me so much of his father and I felt my nerves settle a little bit. "Win, I wanted to talk about us. I've had these goddamn feelings for you for years and every time I see you smile or laugh I have to fight with myself to not do stupid shit like I did the other night."

"Yeah, that was really... awkward." Much like this conversation, I ruefully recognized. Wisps of hair flew across my face from the ocean breeze, no matter how many times I tried to tuck them behind my ears. Calder shifted slightly, wrapping his arms around his knees and leaning his chin on his left kneecap.

"You still think of me as your big brother, don't you?" His voice as hollow, like it was a question he really didn't want to be asking me. I shuffled my feet in the sand, feeling them grow colder and colder the further down I buried them. The moon was bright and full and made Calder's eyes look solidly black, making it more difficult for me to look into them and try not reading them.

"I did, up until you kissed me. Then that brother thing kind of went out the window." I tried to laugh a little, to try and make things less uncomfortable, but failed miserably. "But I feel like when I think about you years from now, when I have a husband and kids of my own, I'll look back and tell them you were my big brother. And maybe, if you'll grant me as much after tonight, they'll call you Uncle Calder when you visit us."

He nodded slowly, registering what I was telling him with silent resolve. I could never see myself in a relationship with Calder because I already loved him, but in a familial way that I couldn't ever put ignore of try to masquerade as anything different. It hurt me to hurt him, my heartbeat throbbing through my entire body while I waited anxiously for him to say something.

"I'd like that, Win. I really would... but I think I need to be away from you for a while. Just to finally wrap my thick skull around this," he resumed running his hand through his hair like the normal Calder would, and such a simple gesture strangely filled me with relief that things would eventually be back to normal with us. If I had simply run away, I would have lost one of the most important people in my life. In a lot of ways, I considered him more of a family member than I did my own mother, as I had begun to realize since that night I accidentally walked into Showponies.

"What about Anna?" I asked, thinking about one of the other most important people in my present life.

"I'll talk to her in the morning, don't worry. What are you gonna do about Alex?"

"Already left him a message. Though I'm pretty sure he's not gonna call me back."

"Hey, Alex, it's Winnie. I didn't think you'd answer since you clearly have just as much difficulty talking to your wife, so this is just fine. I guess this is partly my fault for thinking that having sex with you would empower me or something equally idealistic, but you used me and lied to me and that's totally on you to live with. I just wanted you to know that as much as I believe you really had feelings for me, even just a little bit, you're a fucking loser, and you and your wife completely deserve each other. And, by the way, I don't think the Senator's gonna enjoy reading my concerned citizen's letter about how easily people are breaking into his place. Have a good life, Alex."

I snapped the SD card in half, fearing my fingertips would bruise beneath the pressure. I peered out my apartment door, checking to make sure Anna didn't happen to be in the hallway while I exited, and headed down the hallway after locking my door behind me. I unlocked my mailbox and placed the envelope inside, and I couldn't stop grinning as I locked it back up. I felt so much more empowered than having sex with Alex ever could have made me feel. With a little more bounce in my step, I headed out of the building and towards the dumpsters around back. I tossed one piece of the broken SD card into the opening of the first dumpster, following suit with the other half into the second dumpster. I rubbed my sweaty palms together, like you saw the people in the movies do when they felt accomplished in something, and decided it was time to head to Showponies.

After a long and semi-awkward hug on the beach, Calder walked me back to Showponies. We lived in opposite directions, and after many protests I convinced Calder it was perfectly fine for me to walk home on my own. He seemed very skeptical about the idea, but after reminding him that I had walked there on my own to begin with, he relented and told me he would give me a call in a few days and not to seek him out. The pit in my stomach sank down low; the way he spoke made me feel like I'd never see him again. But I couldn't really protest. He said he needed some time and space to figure out everything in his head, and I wanted him to be at peace with himself, even if that meant that I wouldn't see him for a while. It wasn't like I hadn't gone without seeing him before.

I watched him walk away beneath the streetlights, and I felt like it was the end of an old film and that any moment the camera would pan up to the night sky and the credits would start rolling. I wasn't totally sure where to go from here, at this point in my life. Was I supposed to just go to work and call my mom and act like nothing had happened? I turned around and began walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction, ready to go home and sleep and have sweet dreams about other things that had nothing to do with Alex or Calder or anything for that matter.

"Winnie?"

For a split second, I thought it was Calder. But then I realized it wasn't his voice, instead a timid, low-timbered voice that was beckoning me. I stopped a turned a little, seeing the somewhat familiar face of Rob, Calder's stripper buddy. He was exiting Showponies himself, wearing a red tracksuit jacket and black basketball shorts and a pleasant smile. "Hey," I said, not really sure what else to say. I didn't know Rob that well, having only met him once.

"Hey, what're you doing out here so late? Calder already left-"

"Yeah, I know. I was just walking home." I said simply as he walked up towards me. I smiled at him even though I felt a little strange that he was just talking to me like this. He stood with his hands in his pockets, standing a good six inches taller than me. I felt like I would get a crick in my neck if I kept looking up at him.

"Oh, um...your boyfriend's not coming to pick you up or something?" He seemed to be struggling to find something to say, obviously finding this to be a weird situation that I would just be hanging out outside Showponies alone at 2 AM. Which actually was kind of weird. I shook my head dismally.

"That didn't work out. Turns out he's a sleaze."

"I... kinda got that feeling, since he was friends with Freddy. He's pretty sleazy, too. That's why I quit tonight." He smiled, looking very pleased with himself. Even without knowing him very well I was happy for him. I wished Calder had had the brains to quit as well. He needed to be better friends with this kid.

I gave him a nod. "Good for you. Now what are you going to do with yourself?" I unconsciously stood on my tiptoes to see him better without craning my neck so much. I leaned forward a little bit as my balance wobbled, and then fell back onto my flat feet. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to come onto him or something.

"I was thinking maybe going to the waffle house a few blocks down," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice. "You wanna come with me? I'll buy."

I thought about it for a minute. After everything with Alex and Calder, I was a little shaken. Putting on a strong front was a lot easier than actually feeling strong within you. I had some time to go before I could get back to the old me. Rob looked at me with dark blue eyes, so much darker than Alex's but still much lighter than Calder's.

I grinned.

Epilogue: The Take Back

"I just can't believe you're moving already. I don't want you to go!" I set the pile of Anna's clothes in her black duffel bag, hearing her sniffle behind me sadly. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, folding the rest of her clothes with tears in her eyes that she was trying to keep from falling.

"I know! I'm gonna miss you so much. I'll call you whenever I can, time-zone permitting. Long Island is gonna be so cold and lonely," she replied rather sadly, but I knew once she got there her attitude would change. She had been cast in an HBO show that required her to move all the way cross-country, and she had found this success to be bittersweet when she realized that meant she had to pack up and leave in a week. Once she became big and famous she'd never worry about traveling again. I sat down on the couch in front of her, smiling as much as I possibly could.

"Anna, you're gonna be living your dream. Just make sure you visit me whenever you're in LA for all your future talk show interviews and magazine shoots, okay?"

With a small smile, she rose from her spot on the floor and wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she possibly could. "I promise," she said quietly, and I rubbed her back softly as I recalled the last time she had hugged me like this. Back when Calder finally called her and told her he was leaving to go back to Washington, and that he needed to work on himself before he could ever be anything for her. She had been upset but not cried, and I never told her about the kiss that Calder and I had shared. It was something only Calder and I knew about, and it wasn't worth putting her through. When I had talked to Dan a few months back, he told me that Calder was staying with him.

Two large boxes stacked on top of each other emerged from the kitchen, Rob's legs only slightly visible beneath them until he set them down beside Anna's duffel. "Alright, that's the rest of it. Want me to take it down to the car, Anna?" He asked in that polite, unassuming voice I had grown to become so fond of. He always sounded like he was talking to his grandmother whenever he talked to us girls, having adopted us as his new best friends once he left Showponies. Anna pulled away from me and nodded.

"Yeah, please. Thanks for helping out. I'm gonna go check and make sure you grabbed it all," She stepped carefully over my feet and around Rob, giving him a pat on the shoulder, as she headed through the kitchen back to her bedroom. My eyes flickered to the TV as she walked past, seeing the local news anchors talking about some new dog leash law. Along the bottom of the screen, I saw the lesser news stories roll across quickly and with little description. The one that read
'LA based architect setting records for highest child support payment in the state; Designer wife filed for divorce in May, expecting twins this summer...'
gave me a silent satisfaction.

Rob walked over and planted a kiss on my head, and my heart fluttered. I didn't know what had changed with us, but his typical affection was becoming increasingly thrilling to me with every little touch. I was the one who said I didn't want a relationship with him, that I had been burned too much in the past couple months to even consider it. And yet here I sat, increasingly caving to his subtle advances. "So Anna said that we have to give her a parting gift," he said, settling on the couch next to me and putting a lazy arm along the back of the couch behind me.

I laughed a little. "Yeah, cause us helping her move wasn't enough." I looked over at Rob and felt my heart leap a little. Those dark blue eyes, that midnight blue gaze of his, was piercing through me intently, and it was like I could see the past few months replaying back to me in his eye: Us getting waffles in the middle of the night and laughing about how un-strippery he truly was, him taking me and Anna on a drive in his Jeep along the beach and getting pulled over, him showing up with pink carnations at Agacelli's on my birthday and asking me out (and my refusal), me staying on the phone with him for hours when his grandmother passed away in Pasadena, and the two of us taking Anna out to get piss drunk when she thought she bombed her first audition for the show she was now going to star in. I wanted to shudder; his gaze was so intense.