Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster) (16 page)

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You know who you are.

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You know who you are.

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Not really. I love to generalize.

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You're thinking, “There's a
point
?”

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I am using the phrase “researching this essay” in the sense of “farting around on the Internet to avoid actually writing this essay.”

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I refer here to the Scots, who, it turns out, are not in fact wearing anything under those kilts. They are
hard-core
partiers. If the World Cup were a drinking competition, Scotland would always finish first, as well as second through tenth.

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Seriously: No.

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Russia will host the 2018 World Cup.

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South Florida's hurricane season runs from June through the following June.

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You loser.

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OK, I actually have done that. But only a few times.

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For the record, my wife owns an estimated 356 purses.

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Russian for “little sput.”

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True fact: In writing this essay, I tried to read the Wikipedia plot synopsis of
The Brothers Karamazov
and I could not get through
that
.

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It wasn't me.

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BARTENDER: Why the long face?

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Really. Book of Exodus, chapter 25, verse 5.

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The biblical name for the land that is now known as Long Island.

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This might not technically be true, but it adds strength to my argument.

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Actually, we call them “assholes,” but I don't want you learning that word from your grandfather.

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