Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster) (8 page)

“OK,” he said. “But this is the last one. I need to start drinking.”

(It turns out that the Belgians speak English better than we do, which is another reason to dislike them.)

We sat in a heavily pro-USA section, right in front of a large group of flag-bedecked twenty-something American fans who spent the entire game jumping up and down and bellowing songs and chants, as they have seen fans of other nations do. I admired their spirit, but at times it seemed kind of forced and wannabe-ish, like when one of those bands made up of wealthy white middle-aged orthodontists performs a blues song.

Also some of the American fans' songs were, frankly, lame. They kept singing one to the tune of the 1963 hit by Little Peggy March, “I Will Follow Him.” Unlike the twenty-somethings, I am old enough to remember when that song was a big hit. I hated it then, and I still hate it, because—this is an objectively provable scientific fact—it sucks. It sucks even more with the strikingly unimaginative lyrics that the soccer fans have given it, which are:

We love you! We love you! We love you!

And where you go we'll follow! We'll follow! We'll follow!

'Cause we support the U.S.! The U.S.! The U.S.!

And that's the way we like it! We like it! We like it!

Seriously, USA soccer fans? “And that's the way we like it”?

The thing is, there are many popular 1963 recordings that would make much better soccer songs than “I Will Follow Him.” Take, for example, the Angels' 1963 classic hit “My Boyfriend's Back.” I came up with these alternative lyrics in mere seconds:

America's back and we're better and bolder

Hey la, hey la, America's back!

So you better not try to bite us on the shoulder

Hey la, hey la, America's back!

Granted, that's a tad Uruguay-specific. But it's still better than “And that's the way we like it!”

I don't mean to be too harsh on the American fans. They made a genuine effort to be original in their chants against Belgium, which included this one:

Your waffles are good!

Your team is shit.

Unfortunately, this was not accurate. The Belgian team was very good—better, overall, than the USA team. But the Americans had Tim Howard, who proved that day that he was the best goalie in the 2014 World Cup, and maybe the world, as well as clearly not a biological human being. He made a record 16 saves, some of them ridiculous. If Tim Howard had been aboard the
Titanic
, the Atlantic Ocean would never have gotten in.

So after 90 tense minutes it was 0–0, which meant the teams had to play 30 minutes of extra time. The Belgians finally managed to beat Tim Howard, scoring a quick goal, then another one. Two goals is a big lead in soccer, and the spirits of the American fans were sagging. But then, with 13 minutes left, the USA scored, making it 2–1, and the American fan sections exploded.

The last 13 minutes were nonstop, sphincter-clenching action, as exciting as any game I've ever seen—the U.S. team taking chances, trying desperately to get the second goal they needed to at least have a chance of keeping their World Cup hopes alive, the players knowing that if they failed, they wouldn't be back for four more years, if ever. In the stands, we were all on our feet, basically just roaring incoherently, getting even louder when it looked like our team might score. And a couple of times the U.S. came
sooo
close . . .

But in the end, they just couldn't get that second goal. (Nobody ever scores in soccer. It's so boring!) The USA's World Cup run was over. In the stands, we applauded the exhausted players, especially Tim Howard. They applauded us back, as soccer players do. More than a few fans were crying. Next to me, Sophie had tears trickling down her face paint. And I have to say, I was moved to the point where I almost joined in the final singing of the Little Peggy March song, although I managed to restrain myself.

As we left the stadium, we passed a Belgian fan, who, seeing my USA shirt, shook my hand and said, quite sincerely, “You did a good job. Don't feel too bad. See you in Russia.”
*

Damn Belgians.

The next morning (I am skipping over some beers) we took a taxi back to the airport on the Mystery Invisible Lanes Expressway. Our driver was a lovely gentleman in his seventies who, having determined that we were visitors to his country, delivered a lengthy informative talk about Brazil, entirely in Portuguese. Michelle was able to understand some of it and translate the gist to me. Among the Brazil facts our driver told us were these:

• Brazil produces many things.
  
• Fruits, for example.
  
• Also, nuts.
  
• Brazil has very good soil.
  
• There are a great many Brazilians living in Brazil.
  
• An American who is well known to Brazilians is John F. Kennedy.
  
• Other people well known to Brazilians are the Pope, Princess Diana and Elvis.
  

Our driver kept this up for 30 minutes solid, providing us with information about Brazil all the way to the airport. There he presented us with his card, which said that he worked for the John Lennon Taxi Company. He explained at length why a taxi company in northern Brazil was named after a Beatle, but Michelle didn't really follow his explanation, other than that it also involved Frank Sinatra.

From Salvador we flew back to Rio, and from there, after a few more days, back to Miami.

The next World Cup, as the Belgian fan noted, will be in Russia, and I hope to be there, although I'm having a hard time imagining how the Russians could be as friendly and fun as the Brazilians. They lost, but they won. I'd go back to Brazil in a heartbeat. There is
nothing
about that country I didn't like.

Except the damn Belgians.

* * *

* * *

REMOTE CONTROL:
CLICK.

ANCHOR:
If you're just joining us, something has reportedly happened. At the moment we don't have specific details, but we're following the story closely, and as soon as we have any additional information we will pass it along to you. Right now we're going to go to our Washington correspondent, Rex Farmtrout. Rex, what can you tell us at this point?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, I'm standing here in front of the White House, which you can see behind me. At this point I can tell you that we don't have any specific information about what has happened, other than, as you say, something reportedly has.

ANCHOR:
Do we know whether the president is aware of the situation?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
We have received no specific details regarding whether the president has, or has not, been apprised of the situation. I do, however, think we can assume that it is a distinct possibility.

ANCHOR:
What is?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
At this point, Bob, it's too soon to say.

ANCHOR:
How would you describe the mood there in Washington?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
I would describe it as uncertain, Bob. Although at this point it's probably premature to speculate. Again, the White House is right behind me.

ANCHOR:
Thank you, Rex, and keep us posted. Joining me now is H. Carlton Prongdale, a former high-ranking government official who we keep here in the studio at all times in a suit and tie in case we need him to provide insights on something. Carl, thank you for joining us.

FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL:
My pleasure, Bob.

ANCHOR:
As a former high-ranking official, what is your take on this situation?

FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL:
Bob, given what we know at this point, I think it is highly likely, based on my years of experience as a former high-ranking official, that we are dealing with a situation that at this point has too many variables—unknowns, so to speak—to make any definitive assertions regarding possible scenarios or outcomes, if you will.

ANCHOR:
If I will what?

FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL:
I have no idea.

ANCHOR:
Fascinating. Thank you, H. Carlton Prongdale.

FORMER HIGH-RANKING OFFICIAL:
Please don't put me back in that room.

ANCHOR:
We'll be right back with our continuing coverage of this breaking story after this commercial message aimed at the easily alarmed near-death demographic watching twenty-four-hour cable news.

SPOKESPERSON:
Hi, William Devane here for Buy Gold or Die. You may know me as a fading, semi-obscure actor reduced to doing commercials, but I'm also a senior citizen like you who is alarmed by all these stories on cable TV news. That's why I invest in gold, and you should, too, unless you want to wind up homeless eating dog food in an alley. Because the world economy is about to collapse and your money will be worthless. That's why we want you to send it to us in exchange for gold. Call the number on your screen right now. I'm not talking about the good dog food, either. I'm talking generic. Take it from me, William Devane. I played that guy in that movie.

ANCHOR:
If you're just joining us, we're covering a breaking story concerning something that has reportedly happened. I am joined now by a female co-anchor who is here in the same studio with me but standing roughly thirty feet away for no apparent reason. Janet, what have you got for us?

CO-ANCHOR:
Bob, on this high-definition screen next to me is a computer-generated graphic representing the Earth. As you can see, it's a sphere divided into two hemispheres, the northern and the southern, with the northern on top.

ANCHOR:
Fascinating. Do we know which, if any, of these hemispheres could be involved in the current situation?

CO-ANCHOR:
At this point, Bob, our best guess is that it could be either one, although it's probably too soon to speculate. We do know that the Earth rotates on its axis once a day, so the degree of darkness, or lightness, is dependent upon—

ANCHOR:
Hold that thought for a moment, Janet. I'm getting word in my earpiece that we're going back to Rex Farmtrout in Washington for an update. Rex?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, I'm still here in front of the White House. That's it there, right behind me. Back to you, Bob.

ANCHOR:
Thank you, Rex.

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
No, Bob. Thank
you
.

ANCHOR:
And now for this commercial message.

SPOKESPERSON:
Hi, Dick Clark here. When it comes to today's active senior lifestyle, there's only one name to trust in home delivery medical supplies: Catheter Planet. They offer great service and instructions written in a really big font. And for you seniors concerned about the looming world economic collapse, they even have investment-grade catheters made of solid gold! Take it from me, Dick Clark: I died in 2012.

ANCHOR:
If you're just joining us, we're following a breaking story concerning some kind of development that has reportedly occurred. To help you better understand this story, we've created a dramatic computer graphic logo that we'll put on-screen before and after commercial breaks. Also we'll be playing four somber musical notes as “bumper” music to indicate how serious the situation potentially is.

BUMPER MUSIC:
Dum dum dum dum.

ANCHOR:
And now to get an international perspective on this developing situation, we're going via satellite to foreign correspondent Knowles Cardigan, who is currently in a foreign country located abroad. Knowles, how would you describe the international reaction to this breaking story?

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, I would describe it as subdued.

ANCHOR:
So the international community is concerned?

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT:
No, Bob, the international community is asleep. It's the middle of the night over here. I myself am wearing pajamas under this suit.

ANCHOR:
Can you speculate on how the international community is likely to react when it wakes up?

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT:
It will probably go to the bathroom, Bob. But it's too soon to speculate.

ANCHOR:
Thank you, Knowles Cardigan. Joining me now in the studio is Veronica Bargewater, one of our staff experts that we bring in on these breaking stories to provide specialized expertise. Welcome, Veronica.

EXPERT:
Good to be here, Bob.

ANCHOR:
I understand you have some video to show us?

EXPERT:
I do, Bob. Take a look at this.

ANCHOR:
My God.

EXPERT:
As you can see, the neonate, which at this point is only thirty-three days old and completely blind, emerges from the mother's uterus and uses its forelegs to climb up the mother's abdomen to her pouch, where it latches onto one of the four teats and begins to feed.

ANCHOR:
Is that a baby kangaroo?

EXPERT:
It is, Bob.

ANCHOR:
So this story that we're covering involves kangaroos?

EXPERT:
Not necessarily, Bob. I was the only staff expert available on short notice, and my specific area of expertise is native Australian wildlife. But at this point we can't rule anything out.

ANCHOR:
Let's check back in with Rex Farmtrout in Washington. Rex, your thoughts on this latest development?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, I'm curious as to how big that baby kangaroo is.

EXPERT:
It's 1.5 centimeters, or about the size of a jelly bean.

ANCHOR:
Fascinating.

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
If you need me, I'll be right here. In front of the White House.

ANCHOR:
Thank you, Rex Farmtrout. And now for this commercial message.

BUMPER MUSIC:
Dum dum dum dum.

SPOKESPERSON:
Hi. William Devane again. If you bought gold in response to my earlier commercial, you have made a huge mistake. Because of very recent world developments, what you need to buy now is silver. You need to buy it right away, before everything changes again. So hurry up and call the number on the screen or . . . Wait! It's changing again! Now you need to buy platinum. Hurry! There's not even time to call! Just throw money out your window and we'll retrieve it. I'm William Devane.

BUMPER MUSIC:
Dum dum dum dum.

ANCHOR:
We realize we've been throwing a lot of information at you viewers as this story develops. So now to try to make some sense of it all, let's turn to two professional political commentators, representing the left and right wings, to give you a balanced perspective.

LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR:
Bob, at this point the last thing we want to do is politicize what could be a tragic situation, which is clearly the result of the racist, homophobic, anti-woman policies of the Republicans, unless it turns out to be something good.

RIGHT-WING
COMMENTATOR:
Oh yeah? What about Benghazi?

LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR:
You're an idiot.

RIGHT-WING COMMENTATOR:
No, you're an idiot.

ANCHOR:
Thank you both for that perspective.

LEFT-WING COMMENTATOR:
We're also available for paid corporate events.

RIGHT-WING COMMENTATOR:
Sometimes, for fun, we exchange roles.

ANCHOR:
We'll be right back after this commercial message.

BUMPER MUSIC:
Dum dum dum dum.

SPOKESPERSON:
Hi, Wilford Brimley here. I want to talk to you about something that's very important for all of us senior citizens. But I am God damned if I can remember what it is. I'm Wilford Brimley.

BUMPER MUSIC:
Dum dum dum dum.

ANCHOR:
Joining me now in the studio, as we continue to look for answers in this developing story, is a Magic Eight Ball. Based on what we have learned so far, what do you make of this situation?

MAGIC EIGHT BALL:
Reply hazy, try again.

ANCHOR:
Fascinating.

MAGIC EIGHT BALL:
Ask again later.

ANCHOR:
I'm now hearing in my earpiece that there has just been a new development in Washington, so we're going back now to correspondent Rex Farmtrout at the White House. Rex?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, we received a report that just a few minutes ago somebody may have seen something fly past the White House, which you can see behind me here.

ANCHOR:
Do we know what it was?

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
I don't want to speculate, Bob, but apparently it looked like some kind of small flying animal, like a bird. Or a bat. Or possibly even a large insect.

ANCHOR:
Could it have been a kangaroo? As we've established, they can be quite small.

WASHINGTON
CORRESPONDENT:
At this point, Bob, I don't think we can rule out the possibility of a small kangaroo.

ANCHOR:
Is it possible that this kangaroo—assuming it was one—could be linked to this ongoing situation that we're covering?

MAGIC EIGHT BALL:
Too soon to speculate.

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT:
I would have to concur, Bob.

ANCHOR:
Good work, Rex. Keep us posted on this developing angle. Joining me now in the studio is professional pollster Lance Pemmican. Lance, what can you tell us about the public reaction to this story?

POLLSTER:
Bob, our latest scientific poll shows that Americans are deeply divided about this story, with 31 percent saying they are moderately alarmed, 24 percent saying they are very alarmed, 12 percent saying they are undecided, and 33 percent agreeing with the statement that the world is controlled by a giant invisible telepathic clam named Ronaldo.

ANCHOR:
Can you tell us about the scientific methodology you use to conduct your polls?

POLLSTER:
Bob, we call people at random, and if they are stupid enough not to hang up on us immediately, we ask them questions about subjects they know absolutely nothing about. We then convert their answers into scientific-sounding percentages, which in turn are reported as if they were actual news.

MAGIC EIGHT BALL:
Fascinating.

POLLSTER:
Sometimes they ask us to sell them gold.

ANCHOR:
Lance, I've got to let you go because I'm hearing in my earpiece that we have a major new development breaking on Wall Street. We're going now to financial correspondent Drake Halyard at the New York Stock Exchange. Drake, what's happening?

FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT:
Bob, we're seeing a sudden, massive, across-the-board plunge in stock prices caused by investor panic in response to reports that there has been some kind of attack on the United States.

ANCHOR:
My God. What kind of attack?

FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT:
The reports are sketchy, Bob, but from what I've been hearing from panicked investors, it may have involved an airborne marsupial.

ANCHOR:
A what?

FINANCIAL CORRESPONDENT:
I assume it's a military term, Bob. I don't want to speculate, but it could possibly refer to some kind of drone, or missile.