Live to Tell (23 page)

My father and mother had chosen everything for the service including the flowers, and I was so grateful to them that they had taken the burden away from me. Unable to think straight, for more than a few seconds at a time, I know I would have made a total mess of the whole thing and I felt I owed it to Danny to get it as right as possible. That was the least he deserved.

Reverend Jackman began by saying that although he had never met Danny, he knew that anyone so loved by his parents-in-law must be a fine man. I mentally drifted away as he spoke of how devoted Danny and I were to each other and of a marriage cut short by death, and it was only when my father’s favourite hymn Jerusalem began and we had to stand, that I focused again on the moment.

Although Mum had bought me a dark purple coat made of wool with a black fur collar, I felt colder and colder in the church. I drifted in and out of the seemingly endless ceremony, hugging the coat around me and shivering.

Two other men addressed the congregation, one of them a master from Danny’s school, who said that he was the school’s first old boy who had died in combat since the Korean War and how proud they were of him. He said that Danny’s overriding ambition had always been to be a soldier and that he was a fine example to younger boys. He talked about duty and personal responsibility, and allegiance to your country. I listened intently to his words and thought he spoke beautifully with conviction and care.

Although I didn’t know we had been to war with Korea and it sounded a very long time ago, I was glad that this man stood there and talked about it, stood up to be counted, as Danny would have said. I remembered the satellite we looked for from Hampstead Heath and I felt so proud of Danny’s achievements, too. I wanted to tell everyone about them but I couldn’t interrupt him. They sang another hymn, and then someone from the Army spoke about loss and sacrifice. What does he know, I thought contemptuously, echoing Aidan’s tirade against the priesthood. I suddenly wished that Aidan were here, beside me now.

Finally the vicar said, “Now, Danny’s father-in-law, Alan Scanlon, will read the twenty-third psalm, which will be followed by The Londonderry Air, also known as Danny Boy, during which, the coffin will be taken to its final resting place.”

I knew the significance of the words to the song and its title but Mum, Dad, and I had talked about it and decided it was fitting, as well as being a beautiful piece of music. Anaesthetised as I was by vodka and Valium, I was sure that I would not cry out or faint, and watched silently as the coffin bearers stepped forward to take my husband away. While the Londonderry Air was being played, we followed the coffin borne by the soldiers into the graveyard. Beside the grave a bugler sounded The Last Post and I clutched Dad’s hand.

I heard the shots explode over the grave and then I knew that it was all true. Danny was dead and the surreal ceremony that I had been taking part in was real. They would not have gone to all this trouble if there were any doubt. Danny would never come home to me and I would feel alone for the rest of my life. Then the soldiers moved away but I did not see them go, as my eyes were tightly shut.

“Mrs. Powell? Mrs. Powell.”

“Yes?” A woman’s voice behind me answered and I opened my eyes sharply. My head was reeling from the shots and the bugle and the melee and now this confusion.

“Mrs. Powell?” Facing me, an army officer spoke softly. “I have these things for you. Mrs. Powell?”

“For me?” A cold wind was blowing strands of hair across my face and I frowned and blinked at him.

He held a bundle out to me. The flag from the coffin had been folded into a cushion supporting a Royal Signals cap, some medals propped against a small box and a wedding ring. Pushing back my hair, I stared at him not comprehending what was happening.

“Please take them,” he said quietly. “Your husband was a fine soldier. I’m proud to have known him.”

I hesitated again but Dad took my hand and placed it underneath the cushion. Afraid that Danny’s wedding ring might fall, I picked it up and slipped it onto my middle finger. “Thank you,” I said.

“If you need help with anything, contact us,” the man said and walked away.

“Can we go home now, Daddy please? I feel so weary.”

“Yes Dear, of course, but I must just see the vicar on our way out. You know, to thank him. It was a good service, wasn’t it? He did our Danny proud.”

Dumbly I nodded.

A burly man with a florid complexion and grey curly hair pushed his way through to us. “Here,” he called out to me. “How dare you upset my wife like that? How could you play The Londonderry Air, especially in view of where Daniel died?”

I stared at him. What was he talking about?

“Who do you think you are, glorifying his death in this ridiculous, tawdry way? If he hadn’t married you, at too young an age, he might even have come to his senses and still been alive today. It wasn’t natural, cutting himself off from his own family. He should have kept in touch with his mother. She’s got to live with this now, for the rest of her life.”

I opened my mouth to try to answer him but my father stepped in front of me.

“No,” he said. “How dare
you
! I can understand, Mr. Powell, whom I presume you are, that you are mourning the loss of your child.”

“It’s Viscount Powell,” the man spluttered.

I was amazed. How could this rough looking man be a viscount?

“Whatever you call yourself,” my father continued. “I can understand your grief, but how dare you speak to my daughter like that. It is not, I repeat, not my daughter’s fault that your son has died. She has lost the love of her life, the man she chose to marry, who chose her and with whom she planned to spend the rest of her life, the man with whom she planned to raise a family of their own. She has lost not only the finest husband she could possibly have had but also the chance to become a mother. And my wife and I have lost the love and comfort of a great young man whom we regarded as a son and the opportunity to become grandparents. So don’t you dare try to tell me that any of this is her fault. You heard that man. Danny loved the Army and always wanted to be a soldier. It was not my daughter’s right to take that away from him.”

My mother rushed forward and grabbed Dad’s arm. “Enough, Alan. That’s enough. Please don’t say anymore.”

At this commotion my composure finally snapped and I started to cry. Aunt Jess who was standing close by, caught me and wrapped me in her arms and the Army officer who had handed me the flag turned and looking very angry, walked quickly back to us.

Another woman, tall and elegant spoke quietly to the man who had accosted us and I realised with shock that this must be Danny’s mother, the woman that he felt had betrayed him.

“John, let us please just go home,” she said. “I can’t take anymore.”

She did not even glance at me.

After we left the church, I returned to Mum and Dad’s house and went to bed. I felt traumatised by my encounter with Danny’s family. It hurt that his parents obviously did not want to know the person who had shared their son’s life for the last three years and whose father had gone to so much trouble over his funeral. Three days later, the afternoon was becoming dark outside the house when Mum knocked on my bedroom door and came quietly into the room.

“Please come downstairs Dear, even if it’s only for half an hour. Your dad will be home soon and he worries so much about you.”

She switched a side lamp on in my bedroom and leaned over me, gently turning back the covers a little.

“I know, Mum, I know. It’s just that I can’t stop crying. I’ll get up, I promise. I
will
make an effort and thank you so much for being so patient with me. I must be a real pain to have around.”

“To be honest Dear, I can’t imagine how awful you must feel, thank goodness. I’ve been so lucky that nothing this bad has ever happened to me. Even when your Nana died, we knew she was very ill and had reached an old age, which does make things a bit easier to bear.”

I nodded. “I’ll have a shower and come down for the evening then.”

Later that night, the three of us were watching something on TV. I had lost all concentration and had no idea what it was about when the phone rang. Dad picked it up. He looked across at me warily.

“Er, yes. She’s here, but she’s busy at the moment. Can I help? I’m her father.”

Covering the mouthpiece, he whispered to me, “It’s someone called Tom. Says he’s a friend of Danny and Adam. Mean anything?”

I felt puzzled. The only Tom that Danny had mentioned was his brother-in-law but I suppose he could have had a friend in the Army called Tom as well. I held out my hand and Dad passed the phone to me. “Hello. Tom?”

“We haven’t met but Adam Kaminski, the best man at your wedding… Of course you know that. Well he rang me with the news of Danny’s death and I… we, we felt that we needed to speak to you. First… I’m sorry I haven’t explained. I’m married to Danny’s sister. Oh also… God I’m making a real mess of this. Gwenny is terribly upset and you must be feeling even worse. So forget how I’ve just messed up this conversation as I’ll start again. Firstly, we are terribly sorry for what’s happened. We loved Dan and although we haven’t seen much of him since the bust up with Gwen’s dad, we never forgot him. It’s been such a shock, all of this.”

He sounded genuine but after what had happened at the graveside, I was nervous of any further contact with Danny’s family. “Yes. Thank you for calling me.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“I, that is, we, we were hoping we could meet up. You know, talk about everything. But I realise from your phone number that you are not in London. Adam gave me two numbers but I tried the other one and you weren’t there.”

“I’m staying with my parents, in Hertfordshire, but you live in Clerkenwell, don’t you?”

“He’s told her about us,” I heard him say.

My parents looked up at me, surprised to hear that I seemed to know this about the caller.

“Did you want to meet me in a wine bar or something,” I asked, trying to think of one.

“Well we were wondering if you would like to come for supper here, perhaps. What do you think? It’s very easy to get to.”

I felt apprehensive at the suggestion, but I hesitantly agreed and he gave me the address.

When I replaced the phone, Mum looked worried. “I hope you’ll be alright Dear. After the last encounter, I wouldn’t want you to be exposed to anything… er, difficult.” I felt the same way but given what Danny told me about them, was quietly optimistic.

A few evenings later, Dad insisted on driving me to my appointment in their home but I told him that afterwards, I planned to return to the flat in Maida Vale. Both he and Mum offered to come with me when I told them who I was going to meet but I declined. I knew that things would be difficult enough.

When he parked the car, he pushed a ten pound note into my hand, saying, “Now just look, my girl. I’m not having you roaming around London late at night, even if you are twenty two now and think you know it all. Get them to book a mini-cab for you. OK?”

“Yes Dad. Love you.” I kissed him and got out of the car. He might sound cross with me but I knew really he was worried and wanted to protect me.

The smart warehouse apartments where Tom and Guinevere lived had a video entry-phone system and I felt anxious standing there in the dark while they viewed me from on high. To my surprise, Tom opened the outer door for me in person and kissed me lightly on the cheek.

“Hello. I’m Tom. This way. Gwenny’s waiting upstairs. She feels a bit nervous about meeting you. Dan told us he was married and she felt upset that we weren’t invited to the wedding. He said it was a rush job, but even so.”

Oh, no, I thought. Already, she dislikes me. I bet she thinks I stopped them attending. She probably thinks I was pregnant.

“No-one came except Adam and my parents,” I said. “Danny was being posted to Germany and there was no time to arrange anything else. I’m sorry.” We climbed the stainless steel lined staircase to the next floor.

“Don’t apologise to me. I didn’t enjoy our wedding at all. Sounds like yours was much better. Here we are.”