Living in Sin (Living In…) (6 page)

A rent boy. She hadn’t known his background but she’d wondered about it many times. Wondered why the beautiful, poised Anita kept bringing this rough, uneducated Maori guy around for dinner. In her naivety she’d imagined they were friends or maybe he was her adopted son or…something.

But no. She’d found him on the streets. What kind of life had he had that made him turn to prostitution? A shitty one clearly. Not at all like the world of privilege she’d been brought up in. No, her father didn’t pay much attention to her these days but he had once. And at least she had a roof over her head and food to eat. A warm bed to sleep in.

Where had Kahu grown up? How had he ended up doing what he’d done?

Across from her, Kahu sat in his usual sprawling posture, his legs outstretched. He was in jeans again today and a dark purple shirt that contrasted beautifully with his black hair and smooth, brown skin. So gorgeous.

She’d been looking forward to this all week, unable to concentrate on much beyond what her next move would be. It had wreaked havoc with her dancing lessons, her concentration shot to hell. Her teacher had been most unhappy with her. But she’d assured herself it would all be worth it when she got here. Last Monday he’d let slip the fact that he was interested and she was going to build on that.

Except then she’d gotten here and found the room cold and empty, the fire unlit, Kahu not there. Disappointment had gripped her, heavy and…painful.

“What’s the matter, ballerina?” he said, his voice low and rough. “Don’t like the idea of playing with a guy who used to suck rich men’s cocks for money?”

He was being deliberately provocative, she knew that about him now. Perhaps it was how he defended himself, how he kept people at a distance. And maybe that worked on some people. Not her, that was for damn sure.

Lily leaned back in her chair like he was doing and put one leg over the arm of it, her foot dangling. Then she lifted her tumbler of scotch and swirled the liquid around inside it, giving him a considering look over the rim of the glass. “I don’t know,” she said calmly. “Did you like sucking rich men’s cocks?”

Firelight flickered over the hard planes and angles of his face. Heavy, dark brows. Proud, straight nose. Sculpted cheekbones. Lines etched into his skin around his eyes and mouth. Silver in his thick, black hair.

The face of a man who’d seen lots of things. Done lots of things. Who’d experienced the world in all its darkness.

“That depended on the man,” he said at last. “And how much they paid me.” He paused. “But on the whole, I prefer pussy.”

The word jolted her, made her blush. Which was stupid because it wasn’t like she hadn’t heard it before. It was just the way he said it in that rough, gravelly voice of his, making it sound so dirty. So completely sexual.

“That’s good,” she said, trying to ignore the catch in her own voice. “It would make this seduction a bit more difficult, seeing as how I don’t own a cock.”

“It’s a moot point regardless of your genitalia, sweetheart. I did say this seduction wasn’t going to be about touching, remember?” He tilted his head. “Though of course, if you wanted to pay me, I wouldn’t say no.”

She forced herself to laugh. “Shit, you should have told me that earlier. I would have brought some cash if I’d have known it would be that easy.”

The atmosphere had changed again, not so chilly now but still hard-edged. And there was something dangerous and rough building between them. Something explosive. Like gas in a room, any spark could set it off.

A strange combination of fear and exhilaration settled inside her, chasing away the cold. She made herself hold his gaze, trying to relax and appear as loose and lazy as he did. And failing probably.

“Well,” he murmured. “I could always do you an I.O.U.”

He was pushing her now and although she could tell herself she was blasé about it, that didn’t stop the little shiver of shock from chasing over her skin. Would he really? If she said yes, would he really come over and…

She was suddenly hyperaware of the way she was sitting, with one leg over the arm of her chair. All he’d need to do was lift her other leg over the other arm and she’d be all splayed out, ready for him… A deep, hot ache pulsed between her legs. An ache she’d never been fully conscious of before. She’d always had an awareness of her body but only in terms of how it responded to dance. To the way it moved to music, performed under pressure. A perfectly poised machine that she’d lost control of the day she’d gotten sick.

And now another uncontrollable feeling. Except this time it wasn’t bad. Oh no, not bad in any way.

Lily swallowed, her mouth dry. His dark eyes glittered as he stared at her and she could see something hungry in them, that spark of heat she’d seen the week before. The one that had made her want to reach out and grab it.

“Except,” she forced out. “You said no touching.”

“Ah, that’s right, so I did.” One side of his mouth curved. “Are you afraid?”

She wanted to move, wanted to shift into a less obvious position but her innate stubbornness wouldn’t let her. “No. Why would I be afraid?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. I can see it in your eyes, though.”

“Maybe it’s not fear. Maybe I’m just angry because you’re being a dickhead.”

“Am I? You’re not going to get very far with this seduction, love, if you’re afraid of a little sex talk.” His smile deepened. “Or maybe it’s not sex talk you’re afraid of. Maybe you’re worried I’m going to come right over there, spread those long legs. Bury my face in that sweet little pussy of yours.”

Another hot jolt. More intense this time. Heat flamed in her cheeks and even though she despised herself for it, she looked away, making a pretense of putting her tumbler down on the table beside her chair. “Maybe it’s not me who’s afraid,” she said, trying to keep her voice light. “Maybe you’re the one who’s worried I might come over there and suck your cock. Why else would you institute a no-touching rule?”

Something fierce flashed over his face then, an emotion she didn’t recognize but saw nonetheless. It made her freeze in her chair. Had she got to him? Was it true? Was he really afraid of her doing that?

He lifted his tumbler, drained it and placed it back on the table with a precise click. “I instituted that rule to discourage overenthusiastic virgins. And as much as the thought of a blowjob from an inexperienced girl such as yourself fills me with delight, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.” The fierce expression was gone now, as if it had never been. “Shall we get on with the seductive chess playing or do you have something else you want to do?” He glanced down at his watch. “You don’t have a lot of time left.”

Prick. Why did he do that? Why did he make her feel all shivery and hot, like he might do
something
? And then the next instant sound bored and like he couldn’t wait to get away?

It made her feel powerless. Made her aware that he was the one in the driving seat, not her. Yet another thing like this heavy achy feeling between her legs, the heavy feeling that just wouldn’t go away, that she wasn’t in control of.

God, how she hated it.

“I guess I could do something,” she said, an idea forming in her mind. A crazy and probably downright stupid idea. But shit, if she had the nerve to go through with it, that would wipe that cynical smile straight off his face. “I mean, I know you said no touching each other but…” She steeled herself. “You never said anything about touching ourselves.”

The atmosphere gathered tight, the look on his face not changing and yet somehow his features hardening into granite. “You think I haven’t had that offer before? Some sweet young thing touching herself up for me? Come on, I thought I said original.”

“You think I won’t do it?”

“This isn’t Truth or Dare, love.” That lazy, bored note had entered his voice again. “And I’m not your boyfriend. I mean, really, do you even know how?” He wasn’t even looking at her, reaching for his tumbler as he pushed himself out of the chair. “I’ll get myself another drink while you make up your mind.”

Anger shot up inside her. He didn’t care. He really didn’t. Wonderful. This seduction thing was going so great. Perhaps she should quit now while she was ahead.

You’re going to give up just like that? Is that it?

No, of course she wasn’t. She’d never given up in her life and she wasn’t about to start. It was just clear that she would have to form a new strategy.

She stared at him as he stood at the drinks cabinet, pouring himself another measure of scotch. Wide, powerful shoulders, lean waist, strong thighs. Everything a man should be. Making her ache. Burn.

She could spread her legs, undo the zipper of her jeans and touch herself while he watched, that would be easy. But that’s exactly what he was expecting her to do, wasn’t it? With the subtle challenge in his voice and the cynical look in his eyes. Like he’d already pointed out, he’d had many women do that very same thing, she wouldn’t be any different.

But she wanted to be different. She wanted to be the one who surprised him. She wanted to be the one who challenged him.

She wanted to be the one who seduced him so completely he would never remember anyone else.

Lily slid out of the chair and began packing up the chess set.

“What are you doing?”

She didn’t look up, sliding the board and the chessmen away into her satchel, before grabbing her coat. “I’m leaving, what does it look like?”

There was a silence.

Lily shrugged her coat on, slinging her satchel over her shoulder and straightening. He was staring at her, his surprise evident.

About fucking time.

“If you think I’m going to sit there touching myself for you while you give me the bored once-over, you’re shit out of luck,” she said staunchly.

The surprise vanished. He arched a brow. “Does that mean you’re giving up this whole seduction farce?”

“No.” She began to move toward the door.

“You’ve still got at least fifteen minutes, Lily.”

“Yeah, I know. You can add it to my hour next week.” She put her hand on the door handle. “Don’t worry, I can show myself out.”

He moved toward her, just one step. And she was positive it was involuntary. “Are you sure?”

She smiled, because somehow this wasn’t ending as the desperate failure it had started out being. Leaving like this was a victory, she could feel it. Could see it in the frown on his face. “Quite sure. See ya next week, Kahu.”

Then she walked out, making sure to close the door very, very quietly.

Chapter Six

Lily turned the bath taps off and stripped. The water looked so goddamned good and despite the two-hour lesson she’d just had, she was already feeling cold.

Fucking cancer. She felt the cold so much more these days. Then again, that was why baths had been invented and she couldn’t regret that. In fact, it was almost worth being constantly cold so she had the pleasure of sliding into hot, scented water.

She shivered as she got in, fully submerging her body and lying there, waiting for the heat to penetrate her cold and aching flesh. Because, yeah, she ached too. Her muscles were screaming and her feet hurt like the damned. She’d pushed herself too hard again. Her teacher had been pissed at her and rightly so.

Then again, how else was she supposed to get back into form and compete for a position? She’d missed three years of a career in a hugely competitive industry and the only way to get back to where she was supposed to be was by pushing.

And if you don’t…

No, she wasn’t going to think about that. It wasn’t going to be an option.

She sank lower into the water and put her head back against the tub as the heat eased the soreness in her muscles. Closing her eyes, she let herself float, weightless.

Better to think of something else. Like Kahu and how she was going to shock the pants off him—hopefully.

It had to be something that would stop him talking, since that’s how he took charge of the situation. Shocking with his blatant words and his own particular brand of in-your-face honesty. At least that’s how he was controlling things between them, not to mention having the added advantage of holding her at a distance.

What she had to do was surprise him. Do something he didn’t expect. Get closer in a way that he couldn’t fight.

Man, it was a pity she didn’t have a girlfriend to talk this over with, but she didn’t even have one. She’d lost touch with the girls she’d met via ballet and the couple of friends she’d made in hospital didn’t keep in touch, not that she blamed them. It was a reminder of sickness and pain and desperation, and who wanted to revisit that? Good times. Not.

The tension in her muscles uncoiled and she relaxed completely.

Behind her closed lids rose the image of Kahu, sitting in the armchair with that hot, dark look in his eyes. And the rough sensuality of his voice…
Maybe you’re worried I’m going to come right over there, spread those long legs. Bury my face in that sweet little pussy of yours…

That deep, exquisite kind of ache was back as she remembered the moment. How the words had touched something inside of her, something she wasn’t expecting. Response. What would he have done if she’d unzipped her jeans in front of him? If she’d put her legs over the arms of that chair? If she’d spread herself out for him?

He’d get up and walk over to you, hungry as a panther. Then he’d drop to his knees and his hands would be on your thighs, pushing them apart. His head would lower and you’d watch as he put his mouth on you…

Lily moved her hand, reaching down between her thighs. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears, her breathing fast.

Do you even know how to do it?

Kahu’s taunting voice…

Once, before she’d got sick, she’d discovered how to make herself feel good but it had only ever been as a kind of relaxant. A stress relief. And after that had come the leukemia, destroying her sex drive along with her white blood cells.

She’d never thought her body would be capable of making her feel good again, had totally lost interest in anything remotely sensual or sexy. She only wanted to be well, to be strong, her body once more under her control.

But this feeling… It was good. And hell, she
was
in control. And she
did
know how. It was easy. You just…put your hand there and…

Lily moved her finger experimentally, brushing over her clit, shocked as a white-hot stab of pleasure moved through her. Holy crap. She didn’t remember it being intense as that.

Screwing her eyes shut tight, she moved her finger again, the breath escaping her as more pleasure flooded through her aching body. Oh yeah, she knew how to do it all right.

Take that, you bastard. Don’t you wish you were here right now?

She imagined him standing at the end of the bath, watching her, that hungry, hot look in his eyes. Unable to touch her but wanting to, so fucking desperate to…

It didn’t take long. Another couple of strokes and the orgasm washed over her, brief and blinding. For long moments afterwards she just lay there in the warm water, waiting until her heartbeat slowed and her breathing had returned to normal.

Then she opened her eyes and looked down the length of her body. Long legs and narrow waist. Tiny breasts. There was muscle building but it was slow. Thin and bony, her skin pale, tiny, barely seen marks from biopsies and IV lines and catheters and injections. So many things wrong with it…

And yet it had just given her pleasure. Quite a lot of pleasure.

Oddly proud of herself, Lily pointed her toes, arching her spine, the aftershocks of the orgasm moving through her in little electric jolts. She felt sensual, languid. Pleased with the body that had before caused her so much pain.

So much for Kahu’s arrogant “do you even know how” comment.

And even as she thought that, an idea began to form. A daring and no doubt shocking idea. Which made it perfect, especially if she had the guts to go through with it.

Of course you do
.

She smiled. Yeah, she did. And with any luck it would shut Kahu Winter up once and for all.

Reaching for her towel, she got out of the tub and dried herself off. Then, wrapping the towel around herself, she grabbed her phone from where she’d left it on the vanity and hit Kahu’s number.

It took some time for him to answer and when he did, he didn’t sound pleased to hear from her. “What?” he demanded with preamble. “Please tell me you’re calling to cancel next Monday.”

“Nope.” She leaned back against the sink, nervousness gathering inside her. “I’m calling to tell you that you’re wrong. I do know how to do it.”

“Do what?”

Her cheeks heated but she ignored the embarrassment. “Touch myself.”

There was a silence.

“Lily,” Kahu began. “I don’t—”

“I imagined you watching me while I gave myself an orgasm and it was really, really good.”

Another silence. Longer this time.

Her palms got sweaty as she waited for his response, nerves tying themselves in knots in her gut.

“Jesus,” he said at last. “Why the hell are you telling me this?”

“Because if you didn’t want to watch me do it, you could listen to me to do it.” She took a little breath. “I could right now, if you want.”

There was no sound down the other end of the line.

The knots inside of her pulled tight.

He muttered something harsh under his breath and there was a creaking sound, like he was shifting around in a chair. “I’m in the middle of doing the fucking payroll.”

“So?” Lily gripped the phone tighter. He hadn’t hung up. And there was an added roughness to his voice that hadn’t been there earlier. That didn’t mean he definitely
wasn’t
into it. “This won’t take long.”

He was silent.

She swallowed. God, what was he waiting for? What the hell else did you say when you wanted someone to have phone sex with you? “I’ve just had a bath.”
Lame, dude.
“And…I’m only wearing a towel.”

More silence.

Then his voice, the rough edge in it pronounced. “That’s really all you’re wearing?”

Oh hell, did that mean he was into this? “Yes.”

“Take it off.”

Her breath caught. Holy shit. He
was
into this.

Lily’s fingers shook as she pulled the towel away from her body, letting it slip onto the floor. Her skin was still flushed from the warmth of the water and the earlier pleasure she’d given herself. But she was ready for more. So much more.

“It’s off,” she said unsteadily and placed her hand on her stomach. “I’m going to touch myself.” Her hand slid down. “I want you to touch yourself too.”

Another pause, though this time the quality of the silence was different. As if she’d said something wrong.

“Kahu?”

She heard him let out a breath. “No.” A hard note lay beneath the roughness. Like he was angry. “You don’t get to tell me what you want, little girl. You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“But—”

“You want to seduce me, sweetheart, you’re going to have to up your game.” This time there was no mistaking it. He
was
angry. “Because you’ve just made a very bad mistake.”

There was more silence and it took her a couple of moments to realize it was because he’d cut the call.

The building heat of desire began to fade, a sick disappointment gathering in her stomach instead.

Shit. She’d fucked up.

You don’t get to tell me what you want.

God, she’d said the first thing that had come into her head, hoping he’d be into it, but clearly that had been the wrong move.

Cursing, Lily put the phone down on the vanity and bent to pick up her towel, pulling it around herself, cold again.

Jesus, what more did she have to do?

You could give up.

No. No fucking way. She’d come this far, she wasn’t giving up because it was getting far tougher than she’d expected. Surrender wasn’t part of her makeup and she wouldn’t let it get a toehold now.

She needed a new plan. A better plan.

And just like that, another idea formed. It would be daring, different. It was going to surprise him because, dammit, she’d bet no one else had ever done this one thing for him.

Only her.

The ball slammed hard against the wall, the sound echoing around the squash court.

“Out,” Connor said as he bent to pick the ball up.

Kahu shrugged. He didn’t much care since the weekly squash games he had with Connor weren’t about competition—at least not on his end—but about exercise and spending time with a friend. Connor, though, was not only a stickler for the rules but a competitive bastard and was always in a fine mood when he was winning. As he was now.

“You want to keep going?” Connor tossed the ball in his palm, grinning.

Cocky prick. “Sure.” Kahu tightened his grip on his racquet. Squash wasn’t his game but he rather enjoyed the conversations he had with Connor, not to mention the beer they always went for afterwards.

Connor slammed out another serve that had Kahu reaching hard to respond to. He missed. Again.

“Your form is sloppy,” Connor pointed out helpfully. “Got something on your mind?”

Only a woman who was getting under his skin in a way no woman had done since Anita. And yeah, he was pissed off about it.

She’d walked out on him at their last meeting and then there had been that fucking phone call where she’d told him all about how she’d touched herself while thinking of him. Which hardly made the situation easier.

Last Monday he’d gotten angry, mainly with himself and his confused feelings about her, and the way she’d brought up Anita. Making him feel like he cared about her opinion of him, and he didn’t care. At all.

Which you then proceeded to prove by being a prick to her.

Putting her in her place with rough, blunt words. Distancing her. Not that she’d let him get away with it completely, oh no. Then had come that phone call, where she’d put thoughts into his head, of her naked in the bath, her hands between her thighs…

He’d gotten hard. Told her to take that damn towel off. And he probably would have gone further, too, if she hadn’t demanded more. Hadn’t told him what to do. Hadn’t kept pushing.

Kahu turned abruptly away from Connor and strode over to the edge of the squash court where he’d left his water bottle. Stooping, he picked it up, covering his annoyance by taking a long swig.

That phone call had been such an obvious move and he’d been stupid to get sucked into it.

She’s been doing so well up till now.

He took another swig, the cool water sliding down his throat. It was true. She had been doing well. Surprising him at every turn. And even the Monday just gone, she’d still managed to surprise him. By bringing up Anita. By not batting an eyelid when he’d told her about his past. By calling him out on his motivations for dirty talking.

When he’d fully expected her to answer his challenge and touch herself in front of him.

But she hadn’t. She’d left then turned the tables on him with phone sex instead.

“Hey,” Connor said from behind him. “What’s up? You’re distracted.”

Lowering his water bottle, Kahu wiped a hand over his face. “Just thinking about the club.”

“Having second thoughts about selling it?”

“Maybe.” He let out a breath. “Have you ever been tempted by something you know you shouldn’t have?”

Connor’s intense blue eyes gave him an enigmatic look. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“It isn’t. Which is why I asked you that question.”

“The fact that you’ve been tempted was reason enough for the comment,” Connor said dryly. “You usually don’t bother with temptation. You usually just take and fuck everything else.”

“This is a special case.”

“Clearly.” Connor bent to drop his racquet and pick up his towel, wiping his forehead. “I suspect you already know my answer. You ignore the temptation. It’ll stop after a while. Temptation soon ceases to become tempting if you wait long enough.”

A typical Connor answer. Nevertheless, he knew the guy was right—unfortunately.

You weren’t supposed to even be tempted.

No use denying it, though. Or at least, he couldn’t say that Lily Andrews did absolutely nothing for him. And the problem was the more he saw her, the more she got under his skin. Which made the answer to that problem simple.

He had to stop these visits right now. If it had been purely physical he could have handled it. But it wasn’t. She got to him on another level and that disturbed him more than anything else. Maybe it was because she surprised him and continued to do so, or maybe it was her sheer unguarded honesty. Maybe it had more to do with the stubbornness of her will. Whatever it was, he had to stop it. Because he knew how vulnerable you were at that age, no matter what front you put up. Hell, he’d been twenty when Anita had come blazing into his life and look what had happened then?