Living With Regret (2 page)

I clear my throat and wait for him to finally look at me. He’s chewing on his lip and his eyes are glassy. He’s clearly in pain but that does very little to ease my own.

“Beyond your outside layers is a wonderful man. I hope as you go through life you’ll stay true to him because you deserve nothing less than an amazing life. And when . . .” My voice unwillingly cracks. “When you do find a woman you want to spend your life with, I hope you don’t settle.”

Panic takes over Chase’s face as he quickly responds, “I don’t mean forever. God, Jordan—I can’t—I just think while we’re both going to different colleges that we shouldn’t be tied down. Hell, we’ll hardly see each other. Taking a break makes sense but we belong together. I won’t have to settle because it’s you. It will always be you. One day, we’ll be together again.”

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break any more, but I was wrong. He’s dumping me while he goes off to play the role of superstar—which I know will involve other women—and he actually thinks I will be waiting for him afterward?

“I—I can’t . . .” I shake my head, allowing myself a few seconds to collect my thoughts. “The man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with won’t need a break from me. He’ll know from the moment I enter his life that I’m worth keeping. That’s the type of man I deserve to be with and I’m not going to settle for anything less.” Chase’s eyes flare with anger but otherwise, he doesn’t respond as I slowly close the distance between us.

I bring my hands up and place them on each side of his face. I see the anguish in his eyes as my lips slowly find his. When our mouths meet, I close my eyes and allow myself to think of happier times, a time when our love was all we needed to survive. All too soon, I drop my hands and step away.

The agonizing look on Chase’s face is one that might haunt me for the rest of my life because I know in my heart that tonight wasn’t his choosing, but the end result is still the same. If he’s not willing to stand up for us then it’s best I find out now.

“That’s how you say goodbye,” I softly say as I turn and walk away.

“Wait, can I—I don’t know...call you sometime?”

I stop and turn back towards him. With a half-smile, I give him the only answer I can. “No.”

“No?” he asks as his eyes wildly take me in.

I swallow, pushing down the lump in my throat. “You’re my first love, and you’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but unfortunately, our story is over.”

He can’t have it both ways and that’s something he doesn’t seem to understand. I know he wants me ...wants us, but he allowed his desire and maybe even fear of the future to override everything we’ve shared. There’s not a doubt in my mind that his father convinced him that his dreams won’t happen if I’m involved, but now it’s time he lives with his decision.

I give Chase the best smile I can muster before I walk out of Cove Park, a place that up until tonight held so many beautiful memories, a place I always felt safe in, but that’s not the case anymore. Now it’s the place where my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, a place, after tonight, I never plan to visit again.

I knew today was going to change my life; I just wish I had predicted the real outcome and not allowed myself to dream about a fairytale ending that was never going to happen.

My head doesn’t hurt. Actually, it feels better than it has for a very long time and that is why I’m tuning out everyone.

“Hello? Chase? Are you even listening to me?” an annoyed voice says, bringing my attention back to the people sitting around me.

I’m not a mean guy, but I’m big and am used to intimidating men almost twice my size, but nothing I do or say has Dr. Mark Wallace backing down.

“Chase, you’re one serious concussion away from altering your life.”

I sigh and roll my eyes. This is a conversation I’m sick of having. During the playoffs last season, I was sacked. The God’s honest truth is I was more than sacked. I had my ass handed to me.

At the age of twenty-one, I was a first-round draft pick for the NFL. Now, depending on who you talk to, at the age of twenty-eight, my professional football career might very well be over. However, that’s not a reality I’m willing to accept.

“Chase, you have two serious concussions documented. This last one was relatively minor, but medically speaking, I don’t think you’ll recover from another severe blow to your head.”

I turn my face away, not wanting to listen to the same ol’ crap. Dr. Wallace started this song and dance after my concussion last year. During preseason this year, I was sacked during a game I never should have played in the first place, but I got up and walked off the field without a problem. Then three weeks ago, I was tackled and I was slow getting up. If I had a concussion, it was minor, but a concussion is a concussion, or so I’m told. I haven’t played a game since.

“Doctor, I understand your concern but if my son is one concussion away from retirement, then I think it makes sense for him to wait it out. For all we know, he may never suffer another in his life or, God forbid, that does happen, I don’t see why he shouldn’t keep himself in the game until then.” My father’s voice, like normal, is firm, almost demanding.

Without a doubt, my NFL career means more to my father than it ever has to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m living the life I always dreamed of, but during my twenty-eight years on earth, I’ve learned that there is more to life than just football. My dad, however, didn’t get the same memo.

“Mr. Adams, I didn’t say anything about your son retiring. If, or realistically, when Chase suffers another concussion, the best-case scenario is early retirement, but no one in this room other than myself seems to be concerned about the long-term effects of another concussion.” The doctor takes a deep breath then looks back at me.

“Chase, I’ll sign off on your clearance papers if you’ll look at me while I explain to you why I don’t think this is in your best interest.”

I heard Dr. Wallace’s request but I didn’t respond fast enough to keep my father from kicking my leg to help garner my attention. After giving my father a go-to-hell look, I turn and stare Dr. Wallace in the face.

“Chase, concussions with athletes, especially football players, is a very common occurrence, but hardly anyone wants to talk about the lasting effects.” The doctor clears his throat. “I have personally cared for athletes that have suffered from both short and long-term brain damage. I’ve seen everything from losing control of their basic motor skills to severe emotional problems. I have a patient that spends hours each day confused about things he learned to do as a small child. Other patients deal with anything from headaches, nausea, depression, and I have even seen cases of amnesia. For some, these symptoms can go away relatively quick, but I’ve also seen patients dealing with symptoms even decades later.” The doctor pauses before sighing. “Chase, I need to know that you understand the risk you’re taking by being on the field.”

I heard every word that came out of Dr. Wallace’s mouth, but I can’t walk away from the only thing I know ...the only thing in my life worth having. I’m in my sixth season with the NFL, but I’m only in my third as a starting quarterback. I have the rest of this season and next year before my current contract is up. If I take the proper time off to allow my brain time to heal, I might as well kiss my football career goodbye.

“I understand what the risks are, Doctor,” I say in a tone that lacks any emotion.

“And even understanding those risks you’re still willing to go back out on the field?”

I look around the room, first at my agent, then his assistant, and finally my father. They’re all waiting for me to say one very simple word. “Yes,” I answer.

At this point, I really don’t care what, if any, long-term effects I may suffer because the only solution the good doctor has offered is to give up football, and that’s not an option. That will never be an option.

“Will you please go out with me?” After my fifth request of the day, the most amazing pair of blue eyes move up towards my face.

“The answer is the same as the last five million times you asked me. No.”

Jordan gives me a frustrated sigh before pushing her dark hair over her shoulders and turning to walk away.

“Hey, where are you going?” I ask as I run to catch up with her.

“To class, like everyone including you should be doing.”

It might sound cocky, but I could date any girl in this school I choose, and that includes the ones that have boyfriends. But until I met Jordan, I never even considered giving a girl the time of day.

My family owns and operates a citrus grove and when I’m not at school or practicing football with my personal trainers, I’m expected to pull my weight. My father employs hundreds of people during peak season, but I’m always expected to do my part. Honestly, now that my mind is completely consumed by the beautiful Jordan Taylor, I know this is exactly why my father has tried his hardest to keep me so damn busy.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, she’s all I can think about. Her first day at OCH, she walked into class and my brain and heart stopped at the exact moment my eyes landed on her. When I was finally able to regain my composure, I looked around the room and noticed that I wasn’t the only male that had that same reaction. I knew right then and there if I wanted any chance with Jordan, I had to act fast and make sure my impression was the only one she remembered.

“Give me one solid reason why you won’t go out with me and I promise I’ll stop asking you out ...at least for a few days.” I give her what I hope is my friendliest smile. I want her to feel safe and comfortable with me, and I know asking her out every few hours is probably not the best way to accomplish that.

Instead of answering me, those piercing blue eyes penetrate straight through me. “I’m serious, one good reason. Do I smell funny? Do my looks offend you? Do you ...have a boyfriend back home where you came from?” Out of all the things I asked, I really hope the last one isn’t the reason she continues to turn me down flat.

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking for one, either.” Jordan’s sass and attitude are another reason I want her to say yes. Any other girl in this school would die for me to ask them out for the sole purpose that everyone expects I’ll make it big one day. But right now, whatever my future holds doesn’t seem to matter to this girl.

“Well, the good news is I didn’t ask to be your boyfriend. I only asked for a date. Just one. If you hate it or me afterward, I promise I’ll leave you alone for good.”

Jordan jerks her head a little to the side like she’s trying to decide if she should believe me or not. “I don’t know . . .”

Holy hell, that wasn’t a flat out no. I’m finally wearing her down. “That’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers. I’ll pick you up, we’ll go out to dinner, and then afterward if you’re ready to ditch me I’ll take you home. If not, I know a local place that I think you’ll love.”

The way Jordan looks at me, it’s unlike everyone else. Her eyes take in everything I do, and when she looks straight at me, I swear she can see past the heavy armor I always wear.

“If I go on a date with you, you promise afterward you’ll let go of this crazy idea you have that we should be together?” She tilts her head, waiting for me to answer.

I need to choose my words wisely. I’m not a liar and I’m not about to form that habit, but I’m not positive I’m capable of walking away when it comes to Jordan Taylor.

“I promise that if you absolutely hate our date that I won’t ask you out on another one.” And I plan to do everything in my power to ensure that she loves every moment we spend together. And if for some crazy reason she doesn’t, then I’ll stop asking her out, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop taking every opportunity I can find to talk to her. My promise probably isn’t what she’s looking for but it’s all I can give her without running the risk of becoming a liar.