Living With Regret (7 page)

“Please, Chase, talk to this doctor. Do whatever you need to do to be healthy enough to go home.” Her eyes are pleading with me to do what I’ve been asked.

I fight the urge to smile because I know there isn’t anything this woman could ask me that I wouldn’t do for her, which now includes talking to a quack doctor.

“Okay. I’ll talk to him, but you better start working on those release papers.”

“If you’re willing to talk to him then absolutely. Jordan, could I have a word with you?”

My heart speeds up as a panic sets in at the idea of Jordan leaving. “NO!” I shout. “I mean, I don’t want her to go.” They both appear shocked at my desperate outburst, but I don’t care. I have this sinking feeling that if I’m not careful Jordan could disappear from my life and I may never see her again.

My heart continues to beat wildly in my chest while I wait for her to agree not to leave me. Jordan looks sad as she turns away from me. Dr. Wallace motions for someone by the door to come in. Seconds later, I see Jake and my nurse push past them.

“Well, you can fuck me sideways, dude. I haven’t seen you look this happy in...well, a long fucking time.” Jake plops down in the chair next to my bed while Jordan and Dr. Wallace move even closer to the door.

“Jake, I’m going to step outside with Jordan for a second. Why don’t you stay with Chase until we get back.”

Before I have a chance to protest, Jordan is gone and I see the nurse shooting something into my IV. My fear, irrational or otherwise, takes over as I feel whatever crap that woman gave me already taking effect.

“Jake,” I desperately plead his name until he jumps to his feet then moves to stand over me. “Make sure she doesn’t leave. Make sure whatever happens, she’s here when I wake up. Please.”

Jake, who is always a comedian, turns serious when he hears my request. I think he can see and hear my fear and knows now is not the time to joke around.

“I promise. No matter what, she’ll be here.”

Hearing him and knowing that Jake never makes a promise he doesn’t keep allows me to relax. Whatever drug the nurse gave me lulls me away from Jake and into a world where everything is peaceful.

“Jordan, you’re aware of Chase’s memory problems but Mrs. Adams has granted me permission to fully discuss his medical condition with you. I’d like you to know that this information hasn’t been made public. Mr. Girard is the only other person outside of Mr. and Mrs. Adams that knows about Chase’s condition.”

After leaving Chase’s room, Dr. Wallace asked me to visit with him for a few minutes. When we arrived at his office, we walked in on Steve and Donna in the middle of a very heated argument.

“I understand. I won’t say anything.”

Dr. Wallace gives me a reassuring smile. Everyone’s eyes follow Steve as he grunts his displeasure about me still being here.

“Chase has an unusual case of retrograde amnesia. He knows who he is, who his friends and family are, and he even knows that he plays football for the Arizona Cardinals. However, somehow his brain has made up a role for you in his life and Chase believes he has the memories to support this. I was hoping that once he saw you that it would dispute his memories to the point that he remembers you’re no longer a part of his life, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

Dr. Wallace taps his fingers on his desk. “One or all of us could go into his room and confront him, tell him the truth, demand that he listen, demand that he shows proof of this reality he feels he lives in. However, I feel blindsiding him with this information will send his mental state spiraling out of control.

“I believe, for whatever reason, Ms. Taylor, that Chase was thinking about you before his concussion, or it’s possible before he regained consciousness he was dreaming about you. Either of those situations could have tricked his mind in to believing his thoughts are real.”

Steve makes another rude noise but this time everyone ignores him.

“Since Chase didn’t immediately know after seeing you that his new reality doesn’t actually exist, I think we should give him a little more time. I would like Chase to talk to Dr. Matthew Stein. He’s a colleague of mine that happens to be one of the best psychologists on the west coast.”

Steve jumps to his feet. “My son doesn’t need a quack doctor. He’s not fucking crazy!”

Mr. Adams appears to be done listening and pretending to be respectful because next he turns his vile attitude on me.

“Were you calling him? Were you talking to him?” He shakes his head in anger. “Lord, I knew—hell, everyone fucking knew—you were a huge distraction for him and now you’ve finally done it. Instead of paying attention during a goddamn game, he was thinking about you and now ...fuck! Now he may never get to play again. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself.”

My heart sinks and my anger spikes. The only thing I ever did to Chase was love him. It was Chase that broke my heart, even though I now have a better understanding of why he did.

I do my best to push my anger down as I stand up. Steve and Donna got their wish ten years ago, but I’m no longer the teenage girl they can treat however they want.

I give Dr. Wallace the nicest smile I can manage to fake. “I wish you the best of luck on Chase’s recovery.” I turn to walk out of the office but Donna is already up on her feet, running after me.

“Please don’t leave. Please. He needs you. He wants you here. I’m begging you, Jordan, please don’t leave my son.”

I never questioned Donna’s ability as a mother, and her concern for her son right now just proves what a wonderful mother she actually is. She’s clearly going against her husband’s wishes and the Donna I remember always agreed with Steve.

“I’m sorry, Donna. I really am.” I reach out and give her hand a big squeeze before I turn back towards the door.

“Don’t be sorry. Stay and give him time. That’s all he needs. Just a little bit of time, please.”

I breathe out a sigh and decide to try a different route. I move towards Mr. Adams and look him directly in the eyes. “Why exactly do you hate me?”

Steve’s face shows a frenzy of emotions before he decides to answer me. “I don’t hate you. I just don’t think you’re what my son needs.”

I hold his stare. “If you don’t hate me, then maybe you shouldn’t act like you do. I didn’t ask to come here. I didn’t ask to be pulled into his mess. And it’s time that you stop treating me like I’m a despicable person that’s out to ruin your son’s life because I’m not and I never was.”

“But you already have.”

I gasp loudly as Donna hollers, “Steven!”

I’m not one to throw around the word hate often but I’m almost certain that’s the feeling I have for Steve. I take a step closer, invading his personal space. “I don’t know the way it works in your world, but in mine, when someone acts like a pompous asshole, then that’s exactly how I treat them. Which means I’m going to ask you the question that both Donna and Chase have been too fucking chickenshit to ask.” The room goes quiet while I stand toe-to-toe with Steve. He straightens his back and glares at me. He doesn’t appear to be backing down any more than I am which is fine.

“Why does Chase play football? Have you ever stopped for even one goddamn second at any point in your life and asked Chase what he wants? Was it his dream to play in the NFL or was it yours? You had trainers working with him before he even started school. You may have fooled everyone including Chase that this is his dream, but you never fooled me, and that’s the reason you’ve always hated me. I’m the only person who’s ever crossed your path that had the power to undo all of your hard work. But guess what? That happened anyway and I didn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Chase may never play football again, and if you want to stand here and blame me for Chase thinking about me when I haven’t spoken to him for over ten years, then you’re only proving what I already know: that you’re a huge jackass.”

The room is deathly silent to the point that I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Then someone behind me starts clapping. At the same time, all four of our heads turn to see Jake standing inside the door with a huge smile on his face.

“Damn, girl, you pack quite the punch and you’re entertaining as hell.” I’m not positive but judging by the way he’s smiling at me, I think that was a compliment.

However, Donna speaks up before I can. “Jake, not now.”

Without another word, Steve pushes past me and out of Dr. Wallace’s office, slamming the door shut as he leaves. I have no idea if I’ve made Donna mad and I’m not about to apologize if I did.

“Looks like I made it to the party a few minutes too late. Are you always this dramatic, sweetheart?” Jake’s eyes are dancing with amusement.

“You know what? You can all go screw yourselves. I have a life, a very busy life, and I don’t have time for this.” I grab my purse and move towards the door when Jake steps in front of it, blocking my exit. “Excuse me,” I say, trying my best to maneuver around the beast. But instead of moving, Jake continues to stand in my way.

I roll my eyes and glance up at him. Instead of the jokester he’s been since I arrived, he looks concerned, almost worried.

“I promised my boy that you would be here when he woke up. And I never go back on a promise.” The sudden change in Jake’s behavior has me rattled. Before I can think about it further, Donna is back to begging me to stay.

“Please don’t listen to Steven. He’s mad and upset and wants someone to blame, but none of this is your fault. I know that and deep down so does Steve. And you’re right. Every single word you just spoke is closer to the truth than Steve is willing to admit.

“Jordan, I know my son truly cared about you when you two were in high school, but it wasn’t until after he left for college that it became clear to me that he was in love with you. He changed and not for the better. Being away from you, it broke something inside of him, and while I never predicted the condition he’s in now, I’m also not the least bit surprised that he allows his mind to believe you two are together.”

My back is to Donna while my glassy eyes are cast to the floor. “You came before football, at least to Chase. And I know you think he had a choice but he didn’t. Not really. He was forced to sacrifice the one thing he was told he could live without.” Donna takes a deep breath and sniffles. “Sweetheart, he was eighteen, and right or wrong, parents can influence their children into doing things they don’t really want to do. Ten years ago, I played a part in Chase’s decision to let you go, but I refuse to stand by and do that again.

“He loves you. He never stopped loving you and you might not be in love with him anymore but I’m begging you ...please stay and help him.”

Tears streak down my face while I wonder what I should say. I don’t want to think of Chase suffering but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle this. Because, hell ...I’m being asked to save the man responsible for destroying me. And if I’m not careful, history is liable to repeat itself. Only this time, I know in advance that I’m about to sacrifice more than my heart can handle.

Instead of answering Donna, I turn to Dr. Wallace. “What exactly do you want from me?” I quickly brush away my tears, hoping no one else witnessed them.

“Only what you’re willing to give, Jordan. I’m not up to date on the history you share with Chase, but it’s evident that being here is hard on you.” His voice is filled with compassion.

I was hoping he’d act like an ass like Steve so I’d feel justified in my choice to leave. Instead, he acts concerned about me.

Can I really agree to do this? Can I put my life on hold to help Chase? But the bigger question is: Can I go back to New York with this on my conscience? Go back to living my life wondering and worrying about him even if he isn’t my burden to carry? And that’s the problem ...I don’t think I can. Like it or not, I’m involved and from what Dr. Wallace has said, my involvement plays a large role in his recovery.

I square my shoulders and clear my throat. “One week. I’ll stay and help Chase work out his memory, but I have a life back in New York and I’m not willing to put my life on hold indefinitely. One week, that’s all I’m willing to give.”

Donna sags with relief as Dr. Wallace speaks up. “Chase might not be able to appreciate what you’re doing for him at the moment, Ms. Taylor, but when he does, I know he’ll be very grateful.”

God, I hope he’s right. I can’t help wondering how grateful he’s going to be when I get on an airplane next week and disappear from his life.